Space

You revealed a silly thing you do to them, your friends, during a moment of vulnerability where you let them, your friends, in on your silly little vulnerable secret. And now, to let you know they enjoy being your friend, silly eccentricities and all, they tease you about this particular silly eccentricity in the private bubble of You(Us) while in public spaces where everyone else(Them) isn't in on the joke.

It's (generally) a nice thing.

Guilt-tripping is manipulative, shitty behavior, no matter who it's done to. Ignoring & blocking guilt-tripping is valid no matter who you are or how stressed you're feeling in the moment or any other rationalization that isn't actually necessary in the first place.

You don't deserve to be guilt tripped. Period.

Guilt tripping is bad behavior on the part of the guilt tripper. Period.

You have a right to block posts, people, etc for engaging in bad behavior.

(It's the internet - you have a right to block anyone, for whatever reason. But you especially have the right to block anyone for engaging in shitty behavior that stresses you out.)

It would be great if no one engaged in shitty behavior that stressed out other people who are just trying to live their own lives.

Simultaneously, I’m an adult who, in my spare time, enjoys engaging in adult fiction spaces. As a result of that, I have, unfortunately, been shouted at a decent number of times by young adults (18-25 seems to be the common range) about children, and their well being, and how what happens in adult fiction spaces causes harm to children, and themselves by proxy. (I’ve also been yelled at by actual children, but I’m happy to ignore them, given many of them have been influenced by the previously mentioned young adults to behave that way.)

“Grooming” isn’t truly a technical term, though my industry uses it as one often. It doesn’t have a precise definition or pattern of behavior beyond “inappropriate conduct with a child.” It’s had other uses, of course, like saying someone was “groomed to inherit a title” or similar. But generally what we mean online is “this has to do with child abuse.”

Children are, no joke, one of the most uniquely oppressed classes of human being in the world. Most of the time, they simply have no recourse, no legal right to self-advocate, no ability to retain counsel, choose their own living environment, what they do, how they dress, what they eat. To even report their own abuse — which I assure you, most children are perfectly aware is abuse — they must first be believed by an adult, who may then choose to do something on the child’s behalf, or not. Any option a child has for safety or freedom of choice is entirely dependent on an adult deigning to humor them in the first place.

When you turn the age of majority in your country, you are automatically given a new set of legal and social rights. Even a severely disabled adult, in most places, may advocate for their rights on the basis of their legal adulthood. (There are constant failures here by the legal system, of course, but the point is that you are allowed to advocate in the first place.) You become a different class of person, who can do and ask for things that children are simply not allowed to.

When you try to say that “adults can be groomed,” by bringing up all kinds of random possibilities like “well what about cults” “what about age gaps and different levels of life experience” “what about this or that,” you’re still ignoring the idea that the exploited adult has recourse, in those situations (again, leaving out that there are many failings with the system that allows that recourse does not eliminate the fact that recourse is an option.) Restraining orders. Moving away. Going no contact, with no parent to force you to continue to see that person on holidays. Even if you are young, you are not helpless. You have an agency allowed to you that children simply are not given.

Of course, an 18 year old can be abused and exploited. And I absolutely am wary of a 19 year old dating a 40 year old — personally, I question the shit out of that. I’d even suspect that that 19 year old was previously groomed in some way. But the distinction is important to me, here, not to diminish the abuse that young adults can face, but to ensure that the plight of children is properly understood.

One major difference between most privilege/oppression dynamics here is that everyone, everyone, every last adult alive, started out as a child.

It's the cycle of abuse, with no escape from the starting gate.

Every adult has experienced being a child with no rights, beholden to the compassion of adults around them. Some adults remember this, and are more compassionate to children in their lives as a result.

Children are a uniquely vulnerable group.

Not all children are victims of abuse. Not all children are oppressed by the adults in charge of their care and upbringing.

Children, especially young children, need compassionate adults in their lives willing & able to raise them and guide them until they are old enough to start guiding their own lives as independent adults.

(Where is that line? Now there's a messy question with no clean, clear-cut answer that will apply to every child the same. There is, however, a side of that line on which children should absolutely not be without adult guidance.)

So a legal expectation that a parent/guardian/etc, will be involved in legal decisions about a child's life does not make children an oppressed group who are abused.

That's why people who are hurting are encouraged to 'be the bigger person.'

Simultaneously, I’m an adult who, in my spare time, enjoys engaging in adult fiction spaces. As a result of that, I have, unfortunately, been shouted at a decent number of times by young adults (18-25 seems to be the common range) about children, and their well being, and how what happens in adult fiction spaces causes harm to children, and themselves by proxy. (I’ve also been yelled at by actual children, but I’m happy to ignore them, given many of them have been influenced by the previously mentioned young adults to behave that way.)

“Grooming” isn’t truly a technical term, though my industry uses it as one often. It doesn’t have a precise definition or pattern of behavior beyond “inappropriate conduct with a child.” It’s had other uses, of course, like saying someone was “groomed to inherit a title” or similar. But generally what we mean online is “this has to do with child abuse.”

Children are, no joke, one of the most uniquely oppressed classes of human being in the world. Most of the time, they simply have no recourse, no legal right to self-advocate, no ability to retain counsel, choose their own living environment, what they do, how they dress, what they eat. To even report their own abuse — which I assure you, most children are perfectly aware is abuse — they must first be believed by an adult, who may then choose to do something on the child’s behalf, or not. Any option a child has for safety or freedom of choice is entirely dependent on an adult deigning to humor them in the first place.

When you turn the age of majority in your country, you are automatically given a new set of legal and social rights. Even a severely disabled adult, in most places, may advocate for their rights on the basis of their legal adulthood. (There are constant failures here by the legal system, of course, but the point is that you are allowed to advocate in the first place.) You become a different class of person, who can do and ask for things that children are simply not allowed to.

When you try to say that “adults can be groomed,” by bringing up all kinds of random possibilities like “well what about cults” “what about age gaps and different levels of life experience” “what about this or that,” you’re still ignoring the idea that the exploited adult has recourse, in those situations (again, leaving out that there are many failings with the system that allows that recourse does not eliminate the fact that recourse is an option.) Restraining orders. Moving away. Going no contact, with no parent to force you to continue to see that person on holidays. Even if you are young, you are not helpless. You have an agency allowed to you that children simply are not given.

Of course, an 18 year old can be abused and exploited. And I absolutely am wary of a 19 year old dating a 40 year old — personally, I question the shit out of that. I’d even suspect that that 19 year old was previously groomed in some way. But the distinction is important to me, here, not to diminish the abuse that young adults can face, but to ensure that the plight of children is properly understood.

One major difference between most privilege/oppression dynamics here is that everyone, everyone, every last adult alive, started out as a child.

It's the cycle of abuse, with no escape from the starting gate.

Every adult has experienced being a child with no rights, beholden to the compassion of adults around them. Some adults remember this, and are more compassionate to children in their lives as a result.