we killed the biggest roach earlier. i canβt explain the size of this animal to you. i could tell you to imagine the biggest roach youβve ever seen, i could show you a picture of a big roach, one of those hissing ones people keep as pets, this thing was bigger. it didnβt hiss, it whispered the names of people i care about. this thing did not belong in new york. it was a mistake, an anomaly. it was a monster forgotten on earth by a god who wanted to take me down a peg. iβll be real, i heard new york had roaches and i said pish posh! βiβm from florida!β iβd say, βi know what tropical roaches look like! roaches that donβt have to fight to live, roaches that just chill in palm trees all day! roaches supersized by oxygen rich environments!β iβd see little roaches here and there and roll my eyes at every new york horror story iβd ever heard. i was being punished for my arrogance.
this thing, man. itβs common knowledge that after a bout of heavy rain or strange weather some animals get displaced and end up in places where they normally wouldnβt venture. like in winter when a mouse ends up in your basement, or when nuclear bombs awaken godzilla and he destroys a city. this was like the latter, this is the ancient mutant hell iβm talking about.Β
the worst part was it being in the bathroom. like, nowhere is safe, eh? the bathroom? where iβm arguably most vulnerable? whatβs next, my bed? iβve had bedbugs too, so check! whatβs left? some kind of thing where i am the bug? the bug is what i see when i look at a loved one? bugs appear in the backgrounds of old photos iβm in? iβll be real, i have an unhealthy and specific fear of coming into contact with a bug while peeing. i give every bathroom i walk into a quick search just out of habit. and thatβs why this was so fucked up. i walk in after getting home from work, glance in the tub at the mark that i always think is a bug, but isnβt, then, hey, while iβm indulging my dumb little paranoid quirk why donβt i glance up at THE BIGGEST ROACH I HAVE EVER SEEN. like, way to confirm every fear iβve ever had in my life. remind yourself here, you arenβt picturing a big enough roach. i know! but it was bigger! i sensed it before i even saw it, my body got all cold and i could see my breath like a ghost was passing through. i ran out of the bathroom in my boxers and closed the door and i swear if i had been home alone i would have just left. like i would have abandoned everything. goodbye girlfriend, goodbye life, forget about all my papers and money and things, iβll find a new identity untouched by the devilβs antennae.Β
anyways how did we kill it. we sprayed it with the beautiful elixir of death that is raid. it fell into the bathroom trashcan, we sprayed the bag, closed it up, put that into another bag, closed that, and then put that bag outside in the buildingβs hallway. i always see my neighbors leaving their garbage out in the hall and iβm like,Β βwhy? why do that?β and itβs clearly to distance yourself from the corpse of the insect king. i half expect to open the door tomorrow and see the bag ripped open, just a trail of poison leading to an open window. it was bigger than youβre picturing it.Β
