oikawa defender

You knew that this was destined to end, this arrangement with him. It was all physical, all carnal desire and passion and need. There was no room for anything else. So why did your entire being crave this closeness with him? And why did he treat you like you mattered, like he wanted you around for something more than your body?

You’d hardly been more than acquaintances with Issei when this all started. A friend of a friend, a plus one invited out to a reunion dinner. You’d insisted that you didn’t want to intrude, but Iwaizumi wasn’t one to take no for an answer. So you’d met all of his friends from highschool around a table at the back of some cozy restaurant. It was a few drinks in when it all started.

“I think it’s dumb,” Issei said, his posture somehow even more relaxed than it had been when you’d first seen him. He was leaned back in his chair, long arm slung around the back of Oikawa’s chair, half smirking while he sipped his beer. “Relationships are an emotional scam. They’re lame.”

This was, of course, in response to news that Hanamaki had scored a partner. The debate had spiked immediately. And maybe, if you ever let yourself think back properly on the moment, maybe that’s when it all started. When something began to tug at you. After all, you’d never backed down from a challenge and maybe that’s what this feeling was. Not anything more than a desperation to win, to conquer, to come out on top.

The night was a little blurry in your memory. You weren’t sure when everything happened. But at some point, Mattsun agreed to take you home, all of you significantly more sober than you’d been some hours prior. You lived closer to him than you did to Iwaizumi. So you’d ended up in Issei’s passenger seat. You agreed with him, saying that relationships were overrated.

Then you’d ended up in the back seat. Under him, around him, soaking him in and feeling the sounds he made vibrate against your shoulder. Then you took him into your apartment, let him invade your space, invade your body, your mind. Your heart.

The two of you never really talked about it, never laid out the boundaries in black and white. You just slid preferences into conversations. You mentioned once how you sometimes got a dopamine drop if you were left alone after an orgasm, and he’d never left you alone after one again. He mentioned that he liked being marked up, and he’d never left your bed without a new sign of your time together again.

And at some point, being together came as easily as breathing. It wasn’t just sex anymore, it wasn't just drinks and a quick dinner. He’d come over for movies, leave clothes at your place. He stopped talking to other people, even on the down low. He always claimed they asked too much of him. If he ever noticed how you stopped asking for his time, or asking a favor here and there, he never said anything. But you pulled it back, reminding yourself that you were here for a good time, not a long one. You’d rather not end it prematurely just because you wanted him.

God, you wanted him. You needed him like you needed food, or sleep, or air to breathe. But you refused to let it slip, refused to let him go. But moments like this, it kept you awake, kept you floating ever so slightly above the moment, but too deep in it to feel anything but him. Him and the ache in your chest when you thought about all the things you couldn’t say.

You couldn’t escape your mind, thoughts swirling too fast and too chaotic to relax. Did you love him, like really love him? Did you need him, or did it just feel like it? Were you ready and willing to suffer without him? Did you care deeply enough to say those damn words and rip the bandaid off? And maybe – this was always the part that hurt the most to think – maybe if you told him everything that was begging to come out, he’d stay. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked. His voice was low. You opened your eyes, looking up at him. His eyes were barely open, but you could still feel the intensity of his gaze locking with yours. Your stomach dropped. You didn’t want to be lame, you didn’t want to be dumb, didn’t want to drain him or demand too much or be too needy. You didn’t want to end this, but it was never meant to last forever. Not like a relationship was.

“I think you knew before you asked,” You whispered. Your voice still sounded too loud. He gripped your hip tighter, and your heart stuttered.

“What did I know?”

It was supposed to be a peaceful evening, but you'd heard a man talking badly about his girlfriend in front of her and all of his friends, all while not so subtly flirting with another girl that had been dragged into the conversation, and all the thoughts had flown from your mind. You had no patience for that, storming up to him with a finger in his chest and telling him off loud enough for the entire city block to hear.

You probably could have gotten yourself into a sticky situation if Asahi didn't look like he could bowl everyone involved over in one fell swoop as he stepped in, grabbing your arm and bowing to them with a panicked apology before dragging you off. You'd briefly heard one of the men shouting about how he needed to keep you on a leash. And if you'd barked and growled in response, spinning around to lunge back at them before Asahi dragged you away completely, well....that was between you and him.

"Do you think.." You started. The silence felt like it shattered around you, the peace of the evening torn to shreds. You blinked a few times, pressing your lips together as you searched for the right words to say. You could feel Asahi's eyes on you, so gentle that it seared into your skin, always so gentle.

"You're not too much," He said, not needing to wait for you to finish your question. You looked back, but his eyes were already looking at the sky. Back home you could see the stars so easily, but here all the light pollution dimmed them. You both stared at the murky blue-black anyways.

"Do you want to know something?" Asahi asked you after a long pause. You didn't look at him, just hummed in response. You could hear the nervousness in his voice, and the last thing you wanted was for him to lose what little confidence he'd mustered up.

"I've been in love with you since our first year."

He was quiet, you were quiet too. Your heart rattled and skipped and twirled in dizzying circles in your chest. He was in love with you. Asahi, your Asahi, was in love with you. Had been for nearly five years now. He loved you back.

"All of you," He added, "Ever since you stood up for me on the way to the gym. I still remember how angry you were about all of the things those boys were whispering. Everything about how I must have been held back a lot, and how I was a delinquent."

He chuckled, warm and hearty, and you could remember the day so vividly.

Classes had been desperately boring, and you'd found salvation in walking with Asahi towards volleyball club practice. By the beginning of first year, Asahi had already grown much taller and much wider than he was before, and his little goatee had begun to fill in, leaving him with noticeable stubble most days no matter how often he shaved. You thought it made him look rugged and mature, and with his hair grown out past his jawline, most people agreed. However, while you found it charming, many others steered clear of him or, the worst option in your eyes, they'd begun to spread vicious rumors about him behind his back.

Fortunately for them, you'd never caught the culprits of the rumors, but this day was different. This day, you saw the boys whispering, saw the way their eyes shifted towards Asahi as one of them said, with far too much confidence "I saw him steal their homework once. I bet that's why they hang around him so much. He probably forces them to stay around."

You'd stiffened, ears perking up and eyes turning dark. Those boys weren't even in your class, and surely if they were, they would have noticed by that point that you were much more likely the one forcing Asahi to stick around. You were inclined to roll your eyes and move on with your day when the other one spoke up, maybe a little louder than intended if the look on his face when you turned on him was anything to go by.

"Yeah," He'd said. "He seems like a total thug, no wonder he's still stuck in highschool. Freak."

Asahi had begun to shrink in on himself, a few steps ahead of you now with his shoulders pulled in, but you were seething, rage rolling off of your body like a tidal wave when you turned to look at them. You stormed closer, bookbag falling off your shoulder as you closed in.

"You should really watch what you're saying behind people's backs." You warned, glaring up at them. The boys both looked alarmed, but hardly threatened. "You have no right to make such vile accusations when I'm sure you're falling behind in your classes."

Your hands collided against one of the boys' chests in full force, sending him stumbling back and knocking into the other. His shoulder hit the locker, but you pressed closer anyway, too far gone in your anger to think clearly. Asahi was an angel, he was far too nice to defend himself. But you? No, you didn't give a damn about your reputation or your permanent record. Not when it came to Asahi.

"Whoa, relax!" The second boy hissed, backing away from you, but all that did was turn your attention to him.

"Who are you to speak, anyway? Some worthless, pathetic, stupid bully!" You lunged at him next, but then Asahi's arms were around you, pulling you back with his face beet red. You were drawing attention, students lingering behind after school peeking out from classrooms and club rooms to watch as you kicked and squirmed in his iron grip.

"Sorry about them. They're not always like this, I swear!" He said sheepishly, even as you continued to cuss and shout at them.

In retrospect, you probably should have realized you had feelings for Asahi sooner. Even so, you hadn't processed your feelings until third year.

You blinked, taking a deep breath before looking back to him. He looked so small despite his stature now. His nervousness was palpable, but so was the adoring look in his eye when he met your gaze.

"You really fell in love with me? For what? Being loud and rude and vulgar?" You looked away, picking at your nailbeds.

"No. I fell in love with you for caring. You always care so much about everyone. It's like you can't contain your own hurt when other people feel bad. It's sort of like those superheroes in the manga you like so much. They don't sit back and take anything." He smiled, looking away from you again. Without the weight of his undivided attention on you, it felt like you could breathe again. "I've never been like that. I guess I just admire that about you. You're so different from me, different than I could ever hope to be. I like that...I love it."

You didn't say anything, you didn't know what could be said at all. So instead you reached out, let your fingertips brush his where they hung at his side. You opened the door, and he walked inside. His fingers curled around yours, not quite holding your hand, but cradling your fingers

just like he did with your soul; Gentle, and warm, and inviting. You didn't say anything, you weren't good with words. That was more Asahi's style. But he heard you, loud and clear, the way that your hearts were beating in time, and the way you vowed in the silence to always be beside him, the storm to all of his ever-present calm.

And you were many things; Loud, brash, aggressive, passionate, loyal. But most of all, you were Asahi's. For as long as he could love you for who you are.