Your Daily Textual Healing

It's Father's Day and Lobster Day! Today's real easy if your dad's a lobster. I'm just going to eat lobster and watch Harrison Ford films. In 1846 the Oregon Treaty was signed, establishing the 49th Parallel as the border between Canada and the US. It's mostly the case. The Pig War started in 1859 about it. Edward the Black Prince was born in 1330. He was popular for his military victories and was one of the founder of the Knights of the Garter. He was also the first prince of Wales not to become king, cause his dad outlived him. Thomas the Tank Engine creator Wilbert Awdry was born in 1911. Country music artist Waylon Jennings was born in 1937, he was also the narrator and sang the theme on the Dukes of Hazzard. Redwall author Brian Jacques was born in 1939. Comic artist Neal Adams was born in 1941. Actor and comedian Jim Belushi was born in 1954. Robin Curtis, who played Saavik in Star Trek III and IV, was born in 1956. Friends and Cougar Town actress Courteney Cox was born in 1964. Rapper and actor Ice Cube (not to be confused with Ice-T or Vanilla Ice) was born in 1969. Neil Patrick Harris was born in 1973. He was Doogie Howser and Barney on How I Met Your Mother. The flower of the day are backspace and send buttons that are too close together. And this has all been brought to you by the onomatopeia "pop"

It's Bourbon Day and Strawberry Shortcake Day and to me that sounds like a good follow-up to supper. Munich, now Germany's third largest city, was founded in 1158 by Henry the Lion (who, I am sad to report, was not a real lion). Norway granted ladies the right to vote in 1907. In 1949 Albert II, not a king but a rhesus monkey, became the first monkey in space. The European Space Research Agency (now without the research!) was founded in 1962. Mariner 5 launched toward Venus in 1967, in yet another attempt to determine the origin of women. Harry Turtledove was born in 1949. He's best known for his work with the alternate history genre. Culture Club frontman Boy George was born in 1961. He's Boy George! Juno and Jennifer's Body writer Diablo Cody was born in 1978. Lucy Hale was born in 1989. She's on Pretty Little Liars and also makes music. The flower of the day is the fine china. I don't own fine china because I don't have dinner guests. And today's text was brought to you by the letter 1. One is a number. Maybe I need more sleep?

Oh hey, it's Friday the 13th. It's also Weed Your Garden Day, which is probably a sex thing. In 1886 a fire destroyed much of Vancouver. Guess what they called it. That's right, the Great Vancouver Fire. Why not the Cool Conflagration of Vancouver or the Burning of Vancouver? Naw, gotta be like everyone else. The Yukon Territory became a thing in 1898 and it's still a thing today! In 1966 the US Supreme Court ruled that police must inform suspects of their rights before questioning them in Miranda V. Arizona. That's why they're called Miranda Rights. Pioneer 10 became the first man made object to leave the solar system. When interviewed, Pioneer 10 claimed "I had just gone through a bad break up, and like, needed some space, you know? Maybe see something that doesn't remind me of Cheryl." Holy Roman Emperors Charles the Bald and Charles the Fat were born in 823 and 839. They were clearly not popular guys. Irish poet William Butler Yeats was born in 1865. He has a Nobel prize. Basil Rathbone was born in 1892. He was an actor, and was in a buttload of films, and played Sherlock Holmes in 14 movies. Concept artist Ralph McQuarrie was born in 1929. He designed stuff for Star Wars, and the original Battlestar Gallactica. Caligula, Clockwork Orange, and Star Trek Generations actor Malcolm McDowell was born in 1943. Stellan Skarsgard was born in 1951. He played Bootstrap Bill in the Pirates of the Caribbean and Dr. Erik Selvig in the Avengers and Thor. Tim Allen was born in 1953. He played Tim "the toolman" Taylor on Home Improvement and was Buzz Lightyear. Chris Evans was born in 1981. He played Johnny Storm in the Fantastic Four movies, and was Lucas Lee in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Also he's Captain America. Kat Dennings was born in 1986. She's on 2 Broke Girls and played Darcy in the Thor movies. She's great. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were born in 1986. They were on Full House as a single person and had a tween empire. The flower of the day is mini pizzas. Like a regular pizza but mini. Today's text was brought to you by the letter P. P, available soon at your local grocery store.

Today is Red Rose Day. It's also Peanut Butter Cookie Day. You can have one or the other: love, or snacks. In 1758 James Wolfe led an attack on Louisbourg. This was only the like thirtieth time the British and French fought over the fort. The Soviets launched Venera 4 in 1967. It would become the first probe to enter another planet's (Venus') atmosphere and successfully send data back. That data was, of course, in regards to the origin of women and was non-conclusive. In 1987, Ronald Reagan famously challenged "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall!" And hey, eventually Gorbachev did. Not personally, though. Berlin Wall was big. OJ Simpson certainly did not murder Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman in 1994. Nope. No siree. It was the one armed, one eyed, one legged man. Halifax native Desmond Piers was born in 1913. He was the first graduate from the Royal Military College of Canada to join the Navy, and eventually rose to the rank of Rear Admiral. During WWII he was awarded the Distinguished Service Cross and the Legion d'Honneur from France. Jason Mewes was born in 1974. He's best known for his portrayal of Jay (alongside Silent Bob) in Kevin Smith's films. The IT Crowd, Mighty Boosh, and Neighbourhood Watch actor Richard Ayoade was born in 1987. He is hilarious. The flower of the day is stickers. Did you know they stick to things? Today's text was brought to you by bananas. Bananas are not a letter at all.

It's Corn on the Cob Day. Not to be confused with the very specific Corn on the Bob fetish. Troy was sacked AND burned in 1184 BC. Troy had a bad day. Lost his job, and probably his medical benefits too. He'll probably never be able to afford treatment for the burns now. I have just been informed that this means the city, not an unfortunate dude. Henry VIII married Catherine of Aragon in 1509. She was his first, evidently unsatisfactory wife. Sir Barton won the Belmont Stakes in 1919 (which are not a weapon from Castlevania), simultaneously making him the first horse to win the Triple Crown. Before Sir Barton, only a gryphon, a griffon, a griffen, and a griffin had won. By cheating, because they could fly and its a horse race. Jacques Cousteau was born in 1910. He did a whole bunch of water stuff, co-invented the Aqua-Lung and was a marine conservation pioneer. He did a lot. Actor Gene Wilder was born in 1933. He was in Blazing Saddles, and The Producers, but his most famous role is probably that of sociopath Willy Wonka in the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Robert Munsch was born in 1945 in Pittsburgh, but moved to Canada later in life where he gained his fame as a children's author. He wrote Paper Bag Princess, and I'll Love You Forever and a whole bunch more. Blackadder and House star Hugh Laurie was born in 1959. On top of being a stellar actor, he's also a comedian, author (his first book, The Gunseller, is one of my favourites), and musician. He's bad at nothing. Peter Dinklage was born in 1969. He's only six inches shorter than Judy Garland. He was in Days of Future Past as Bolivar Trask, Knights of Badassdom and is currently Tyrion on Game of Thrones, which he is owning. Dawson's Creek and Fringe star, Joshua Jackson was born in Vancouver in 1978. The flower of the day is tongues. They have a variety of uses. Like eating! And more! Today's text was brought to you by the cone. Cones are great, huh?

It's Herb and Spice Day! So take some thyme to er, other herb/spice puns. (Nailed it!) In 2003, the Spirit Rover was launched by NASA, the first of the Mars Rover (dogs on Mars) program. Slow day, June 10th. Judy Garland was born in 1922. She was Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. She was only 4'11! Gold medal winning figure skater Tara Lipinski was born in 1982. She won her medal at age 15 at the Nagano Olympics. Most people at age 15 are too busy napping all day to win medals. Especially Olympic ones. Or maybe that was just me. Joan of Arc and Deep Impact actress Leelee Sobieski was born in 1983. She never really hit superstardom, even after early success. The flower of the day is how magnificently handsome I look in a suit. It's unfair to other men, really. Today's text was brought to you by the number 5. (3, sir.) Ah, yes, by the number 3.

Sorry for no text yesterday, I was going to do it after I napped, but I napped till 530 this morning, so yesterday was Best Friends Day and Oceans Day so I hope you and your bestie(s) went swimming in the ocean. Maybe met a whale. Today is Strawberry-Rhubarb Pie, a fine pie flavour, though not my favourite. In 53 Nero married Claudia Octavia. In 68, on their fifteenth anniversary, Nero killed himself. Granted, by then, Claudia had already been banished on false charges of adultery and had killed herself because Nero was a shitty guy. In 1973 Secretariat won the Triple Crown. Sadly, he could not wear it because he was not the Cerberus of racehorsies. In 1979 the Sydney Ghost Train Fire killed seven people. I'm not going to explain it, I'm going to let your imaginations run wild. I'm also glad they didn't call it the Great Sydney Ghost Train Fire. They showed restraint instead. The same can not be said of Russia, as Peter the Great (eh, he was okay) was born in 1672. He was Tsar for a while, and won a bunch of wars and did the whole cultural revolution thing. I'm going to drop you his full titles here too: By the grace of God, the most excellent and great sovereign prince Pyotr Alekseevich the ruler of all the Russias: of Moscow, of Kiev, of Vladimir, of Novgorod, Tsar of Kazan, Tsar of Astrakahn and Tsar of Siberia, sovereign of Pskov, great prince of Smolensk, Tversk, Yugorsk, Permsky, Vyatsky, Bulgarsky and others, sovereign and great prince of Novgorod Nizovsky lands, Chernigovsky, of Ryazan, of Rostov, Yaroslavl, Belozersky, Udorsky, Kondiisky and the sovereign of all the northern lands, and the sovereign of the Iverian lands, of the Kartlian and Georgian Kings, of the Kabardin lands, of the Circassian and Mountain princes and many other states and lands western and eastern here and there and the successor and sovereign and ruler. James Newton Howard, a composer, was born in 1951. He did the music for the Fugitive, the Hunger Games, and Batman Begins. Back to the Future and Spin City star Michael J. Fox was born in Edmonton in 1961. Johnny Depp, who some people are familiar with, was born in 1963. And Natalie Portman, who I have often married in my dreams, was born in 1981. She was Padme in the Star Wars prequels, and was Jane Foster in the Thor films and went to Harvard and has been published in science journals and is rad. The flower of the day is butts. Butts. In the next election, we should all vote for butts. After all, last time we elected an ass. Haha. Political humour. Today's text was brought to you by the letter J. But just you. Not the others. Their text was sponsored by the letter Q, Q's a shitty letter though, so you get a J. But just you.

It's VCR Day. I fondly remember my now obsolete VCR. Good times. It's also Chocolate Ice Cream Day. I fondly remember my now obsolete chocolate ice cream. Good times. The flower of the day is thighs. Some thighs cause sighs. My thighs wear ties and enjoy mai tais. Today's text was brought to you by the sphere. Spheres are similar to circles, but fuller. You get no more cause I'm doing stuff.

As you tumblrers already know, it's Doughnut Day! A day for doughnuts! It's also the anniversary of D-Day, when the Nazis started to really get kicked in the ass. Canada of course did the best, advancing further inland and taking more objectives than their Allies. And it's Drive-In Movie Day. I'm saddened by the lack of drive-in theatres left to us. The movies always portrayed them as such great places to make out, and lament Sandy leaving you at the drive in. The Great (eh, it was alright) Seattle Fire (hell of an original name) destroyed the city's downtown in 1889. Obviously D-Day happened in 1944. The NBA was created in 1946. They play basketball. Soyuz 11 launched in 1971. It was the only manned mission to board the world's first space station, Salyut 1. Unfortunately, Soyuz 11's crew were killed while preparing for reentry, the only people to die in space. Tetris released in 1984. It's about lining things up. Maria Theresa of Naples and Sicily was born in 1773. She was the last Holy Roman Empress and the first Empress of Austria. Russian author and poet Alexander Pushkin was born in 1799. He also fought a whole bunch of duels. VC Andrews was born in 1923. She was an author, and wrote a whole bundle of books (she died of breast cancer in 1986, and the books that have come out under her name since are being ghost written). Robert Englund was born in 1947. He's best known for playing Freddy Krueger and auditioned to be Luke Skywalker. Lucius Malfoy's actor Jason Isaacs was born in 1963. He also was in Dragonheart, and voiced Satan in a couple Castlevania games. Paul Giamatti, who was in Barney's Version, Sideways, and the Illusionist, was born in 1967. The flower of the day is pillow cases. So you can case your pillows. Today's text was brought to you by the number 658. It's certainly a number.

It's Hot Air Balloon Day, they're way better than cold air balloons. In 1829 the five-gun schooner HMS Pickle captured the armed slave ship Voladora off Cuba's coast. HMS Pickle is not a threatening name. The first regular scheduled Orient Express departed Paris in 1883. It's the best known train/route ever. And didn't even go to the Orient. It went to Istanbul. In 1965 on the Milton Berle Show, Elvis debuted Hound Dog and used his hips to shock the audience. Shock the audience into a wild new age of inhibition, because no one had ever had sex before in the entire history of the world. Before Elvis and the rise of rock n' roll babies really were brought by storks from the island of Atlantis where they were molded from clay by industrious dwarves. The Six Day War between Israel and Egypt began in 1967. It actually lasted six days! Unlike most timed wars. Robert Kennedy was shot in 1968 because he was going to run for president. I blame the CIA. The morning after the Tianamen Square protests in 1989 an unidentified man stopped a column of tanks by standing in their way. The pictures of it have become iconic, and the identity and fate of the man are unknown. He was on his way home from buying groceries. Another six day war, the Six Day War in Kisangani happened in the Congo in 2000. Much of the city of Kisangani was destroyed. Old West sheriff and bartender Pat Garrett was born in 1908. He brought down outlaw Billy the Kid. Former Canadian Prime Minister Joe Clark was born in 1939. He was prime minister for all of eight months, replacing and being replaced by Pierre Trudeau. He's a professor now at McGill. Kathleen Kennedy was born in 1953. She was one of three founders of Amblin Entertainment (with Steven Spielberg and her husband Frank Marshall) and is now head of Lucasfilm and will hopefully do better than George Lucas has recently done. Kenny G was born in 1956. He's the name in smooth jazz saxophone so you or your parents (or both) have probably had sex to his music. Author Rick Riordan was born in 1964. He's written the Percy Jackson books. Band of Brothers and Office Space star Ron Livingston was born in 1967. He went to Yale! Mark Wahlberg, better known as Marky Mark, the front man of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch was born in 1971. He has since become an actor and no longer goes by Marky Mark which is the most disappointing career transition ever. Ellary Porterfield was born in 1989. She's on Video Game High School as Ki Swan and was in The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio which is apparently good, but I've never heard of it. It's a real movie though. The flower of the day is hand sanitiser. For when you run into people who probably don't wash their hands much. Today's text was brought to you by the letter U. For Uranus. But not for you

It's Hug Your Cat Day! Do that! It's worth it. It is also Running Day. Do that too. It's also worth it. In 1855 Major Henry C. Wayne set out aboard the USS Supply to procure the camels needed to establish the US Camel Corps. For some inexplicable reason, it didn't catch on. The first Pulitzer Prizes were awarded in 1917. I didn't win one for some inexplicable reason. Sir Christopher Cockerell was born in 1910. He invented the hovercraft, which he sadly did not name for himself. Keith David was born in 1956. He was in Pitch Black and the Chronicles of Riddick, Platoon, and The Thing, and voiced Goliath from Gargoyles (who my old cat was named after), Vice President Keith David in Saints Row IV, Admiral Anderson in Mass Effect and the Flame King from Adventure Time. And more! Izabelle Scorupco was born in 1970. She's best known for playing Natalya Simonova in GoldenEye. Battlestar Gallactica star James Callis was born in 1971. He played Baltar. Comedian and actor and really nice person Russell Brand was born in 1975. He is great. Hackers, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Salt, and Girl, Interrupted star Angelina Jolie was born in 1975. She's Angelina Jolie. Oona Chaplin was born in 1986. Her grandfather was Charlie Chaplin and she recently played Talisa in Game of Thrones, and was killed along with her husband, their unborn baby and all their friends. The flower of the day is weddings. I really love weddings. Today's text was brought to you by the hexagon. Which is useful for getting rid of witches I think.

It's Egg Day! It's Egg Day! Presumably, this is a day for eggs. Presumably, this is a day for eggs. It's also Repeat Day. It's also Repeat Day. And this gimmick is going to get old fast. And this gimmick is going to get old fast. I mean, it's bad enough reading it, but try typing it. I mean, it's bad enough reading it, but try typing it. Hernando de Soto claimed Florida for Spain in 1539. The king had apparently tasked him with claiming a giant land wang for Spanish glory. In 1866 the Fenians were kicked out of Fort Erie and back to the US, though the Canadian soldiers apologised and recommended they try sending a strongly worded letter to their member of parliament to free Ireland. The last military engagement fought on Canadian soil went down in 1885. It was part of the North-West Rebellion. The Canadian Pacific Railway was finished in 1889, and it spanned the continent. From sea to sea, as it were. NASA's Gemini 4 launched in 1965, their first multi-day space mission (the Soviets had already done it). Marion Zimmer Bradley was born in 1930. She wrote books! Like the Darkover series, which is large, and the Mists of Avalon. James Purefoy was born in 1964. He's an actor, and I quite like him. He fantastically played Marc Antony in HBO's Rome, and was in A Knight's Tale as the Black Prince and in John Carter (which is better than its box office returns) as Kantos Kan. John Hodgman was born in 1971. He's one of the Daily Show's correspondents and has written books and is rad. Also from the Daily Show, Hamilton native Jason Jones was born in 1973. He also did Molson Canadian's I Am Canadian ads from a while back, and is married to Samantha Bee. So that's cool. The fleur of the day is my new toothbrush. The fleur of the day is my new toothbrush. It's a Cision Pro Mark 4. It's a Cision Pro Mark 4. I bet you're jealous. I bet you're jealous. Today's text was brought to you by the number 2. Today's text was brought to you by the number 2. It's like 1, but twice. It's like 1, but twice. Repeat day is annoying. Repeat day is annoying.

Today is I Love My Dentist Day. And hey, if that's your thing, then that's cool. Must be awkward for the hygienist though. It's also Leave The Office Early Day. Good luck with that one. The Vandals sacked Rome in 455. Well, they started sacking Rome. They sacked Rome for two whole weeks. Portland, Maine held the Portland Rum Riot in 1855. It was caused by prohibiting alcohol. In 1866 the Fenians won both the Battle of Ridgeway and the Battle of Fort Erie. Despite that, everyone was still confused about how they were going to free Ireland from British rule by attacking Canada. Queen Elizabeth II was crowned Queen in 1953. She's still the queen now! The European Space Agency launched the Mars Express probe to Mars in 2003. It sadly was not a space train. As for birthdays, we were cutting it pretty close here. I thought there would be nothing, and then BAM! The late '70s hit. Zachary Quinto, who is new Spock and Sylar from Heroes was born in 1977. 1978 gave us Dominic Cooper and Justin Long. Dominic was Howard Stark in Captain America and was in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Justin Long is Justin Long. He'll eternally be playing teenagers. Morena Baccarin was born in 1979. She was Inara on Firefly and is going to be at HalCon this year and we're going to get married, if she wants. Also from Firefly, Jewel Staite was born in 1982. She played Kaylee. The flower of the day is giraffes. They can lick their own ears, a talent we all wish we had. Today's text was brought to you by the letter L. For lemon, and linoleum.

It's Flip A Coin Day and Heimlich Manoeuvre Day! So, I guess we know how you're catching the coins. OMG guys! It's June 1st! And you know what that means! Today we remember when Roman emperor Didius Julianus was assassinated! In 193. Anne Boleyn was crowned Queen of England in 1533. Later, she would die. Benedict Arnold, hero of the British empire, was court martialed by the Americans in 1779. In 1794 the British and French navies fought the first naval battle of the French Revolutionary Wars, the Glorious First of June. Obviously, Britain won because it's not called le premier de Jun glorioux or whatever. My French is clearly not the best. The Beatles released their Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band in 1967. It had songs and stuff. Actress and singer Marilyn Monroe was born in 1926. She's Marilyn Monroe. Magically voiced Morgan Freeman was born in 1937. He was in The Lego Movie and has played God more than once to the complaint of no one. He also drove Miss Daisy. Rene Auberjonois was born in 1940. He's best known for playing Odo on Deep Space Nine. Brian Cox, who was in Braveheart, Troy, and X2, was born in 1946. Jonathan Price was born in 1947. He has the honour of playing one of the crappiest Bond villains, Tomorrow Never Dies' Elliot Carver, and was in Pirates of the Caribbean as Governor Swan. Heidi Klum was born in 1973. She's a model and actress and buisinesswoman and quite rad. The flower of the day is cannibals. Those scamps. Today's text was sponsored by the letter D. The letter D; for when a B just won't do.... I don't know what I meant by that, so let's go with innuendo.

It's Save Your Hearing Day and Speak In Complete Sentences Day. So, I guess whisper. Or that will strain your ears. Talk regular but with complete sentences. Which I have not been doing. Oh well. This is written not spoken. In 1279 Ramesses II the Great (eh, he was okay) became Pharaoh of Egypt. Big Ben began keeping time in 1859. It is still a clock. The Fenian Invasion of Canada, or Fenian Raids began in 1866. They were an attempt to free Ireland from England's rule. So of course, the best way to do this is to take 850 guys and attack Canada. Mickey Mouse's first talkie was released in 1929, the Karnival Kid. A poet who's name I recognise, Walt Whitman was born in 1819. He had a bitchin' beard. Denholm Elliot was born in 1922. He played Marcus Brody in Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Last Crusade. Famous squinter Clint Eastwood was born in 1930. He's well known for squinting his way through films like Dirty Harry, Unforgiven, Heartbreak Ridge, and the Dollars trilogy. Tom Berenger, who almost got to be a movie star after making Sniper, was born in 1949. He was also in Gettysburg and Platoon and recently Inception. Corey Hart, who wears his sunglasses at night, was born in 1962. He's from Montreal and is Canadian famous! Hugh Dillon was born in 1963 in Kingston, Ontario. He was the lead singer of the Headstones, who were sorta big, but I've never heard of them. He also voiced Nick in Left 4 Dead 2 and played Ed Lane on Flashpoint (which I quite like). Irish person Colin Farrell was born in 1976. People think he's quite the looker. He was in the Total Recall remake, which is not as good as the original andd was Bullseye to Ben Affleck's Daredevil. The flower of the day is tapioca. Delicious stuff, tapioca. Today's text was brought to you by the letter V. V, for veritable and vertical and vegetation and vernacular and vendetta.

It's My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day. You all know what to do with that (throw it out and get a new bucket). Joan of Arc was burned at the stake in 1431 for being a witch. It was probably not true. In 1536 Henry VIII married Jane Seymour (My note: Wow. Dr. Quinn is old.) Jane had been the lady-in-waiting to Henry's first wives. Napoleon was exiled to the island of Elba in 1814. Likely he met Idris Elba there. Ontario's Rideau Canal opened in 1832. It allows ships to get from the Ottawa River to Lake Ontario. Mariner 9 launched in 1971, on the way to Mars to map it. Sir Roger Newdigate was born in 1719. I just like his last name. Newdigate. Sounds like a door that only opens for naked folk. Mel Blanc was born in 1908. He voiced an absurd amount of cartoon characters, most notably Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Pepe Le Pew, Barney Rubble and Woody Woodpecker. And he had a moustache. Dublin native Colm Meaney was born in 1953. He is best known as Chief Miles O'Brien from Star Trek: The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine. He was also in Con Air and is currently on Hell on Wheels. Actress Idina Menzel was born in 1971. She has a Tony award and voiced Elsa in Frozen. She was also in Rent, both on Broadway and on film. The flower of the day is socks. Socks are great. Today's text was brought to you by the letter pineapple. Pineapple for pineapple.