DailyJournalOfSurviving

Today the trauma doesn't feel so heavy. I know my body is mine, my truth is real and that I deserve joy and safety. Today I love all the past versions of me who got me here, even the parts I hold shame for. I might not remember that tomorrow, but today is a good start. And there will be other days like today, too.

I am constantly angry that the world does not accommodate trauma. They treat survivors brutally, make it hard to get justice, abusers go free, you're picked apart and invalidated but still, somehow, expected to be over it. Im sick of doctors implying my feelings are the problem- my depression and anger makes sense in a system and world that do not support me. My feelings are the only thing in this world telling me that my truth is real and important.

How can I hold onto hope for healing when the trauma is so extensive? I dont even know if there was a time before the trauma, let alone who I was or should have been. Cptsd is a whole different beast, how can I have hope for a life I've never known?

How do I move on from my trauma while still honouring it? Sometimes I'm scared moving forward means letting go of my truth. Am I moving forward or am I just pushing the pain down?

Lately I've begun having hope that I can live a happy and healed life despite all of my trauma. Tonight I try to hold onto that, despite how far away and hard to reach that future feels. The bad days don't take away from all the healing I've done so far. I'm proud of myself, and I'm proud of all of you.

There is a deep grief to a chronic mental illness. Some weeks I'm better and able to function and move through my trauma and I forget I have PTSD and feel hope. Other weeks without reason I'm suddenly reminded how bad it can be and feel stuck all over again.

Today is my abuser's birthday. It's a day I cannot separate from him. So, today I celebrated my life without him. I celebrated me leaving, I celebrated me learning to love myself, I celebrated knowing I'd be safe tonight. I will not let today be about him or what he did- I am the one who allowed me to survive.

The grief hits every day. Flashbacks, triggers, panic. Why am I not "fixed" yet? I don't want to think about what he did anymore. I don't want to feel this anymore. I want to just get back to my life.

I keep being told that if I forgive them, I set myself free. This just doesn't apply to trauma and an abuser who will not change. You cannot forgive for an ongoing act. I do not need to forgive to do my healing- distance, self-love and therapy is how I set myself free.

Just because you can push through the pain doesn't mean you should need to all the time.

I don't know how to be a real person anymore. I don't know how to enjoy small talk anymore or how to care about deadlines. The trauma hits so hard, how am I meant to just function like it didn't happen?