yuu says, βi want to see you smileβ¦ to see you happyβ¦β
sentence prompts ( accepting ) .
she's silent; the only betrayal of calm is the pause of her hands instilling runes, life itself, into a withering flower. hers are no longer a priestess' hands, nor are they a regular woman from wherever she came from. whoever she was.
happy, kaguya almost tests it on her tongue. for someone who walks with gods, heals and protects both earth and spirits, weaving them together in a dance, how does she not know her own steps? for herself? what is the color and concept of happiness to someone whose existence is 'hope' and not 'indulgence'?
sunrise to sunset, be it purifying corruption, awakening another half - gone god, battle after battle, to simpler things. like the desperation understated in simple, mundane things that are so much more, like farm work to keep a village alive against a blight that would see it fall. a land starved of its energy is a land starved of its life.
kaguya may not remember anything about herself, but she thinks even if she did, even if she hadn't lost all her life's memories prior to meeting mokorun - that . . . she'd still be taken by surprise by these kinds of words.
" yuu-san . . . " she speaks the name as if unsure of what else to say. it's the same gentle, soft-spoken voice that carried immense strength. now, it just sounds a bit guilty, notes of awareness creeping in that would not be there if not for it presented right in her face.
politely dusting her palms across the front of her clothes, she faces her and wonders when the last time was that someone was mentioning it. her happiness. concern, yes, everyone was so good-natured but when the world is crumbling, is there time to ask the one who could heal it what made her happy ? she never really paid it much mind. if anything, she never did.
had she had people wishing for it before she lost all her memories? were they as concerned as the people from the villages she protected, the realm that rested on her shoulders to heal? the longer she walks uncharted road, the more kaguya understands she is no different. within fullness of days spent with new friends, allies and companions, people not unlike yuu herself, are just as many that are spent wide awake wondering what woman she was.
or if she was anything at all. if kaguya was even her name. what her original favorite color was, what her favorite foods were, if she had a family, if her chest didn't ache with things unfilled - taken away. if they'll come back.
but she does know the smiles of all the people she's grown to love, and the way the sun rises without fail in the morning, and the way the moon still lands in the sky of stars. how despite the world telling her through the land and all within it that its dying, that she can still hear children singing as they do their chores.
it may not fill the hole, but imagining those constants, those faces now familiar and real in this new life of whatever 'old' had been . . . despite the ache that so much was missing that was important . . the fact someone is here, worrying about her, wishing for her, standing before her offering not a plead or request for salvation or a promise that their land would be saved . . . but kaguya's joy . . .
why wouldn't she smile at that? it's so terribly kind to do that she wonders why she even hesitated to answer at all.
" it's true that i'm not sure what things made me happy before, and while i may not have much in the way of memories, or many things, i also have just as much of new things.
i don't know how to 'define' happiness . . . but i think i see a vision of it every day. after all, everyone is still doing their best. aren't you, doing your best too, yuu-san?"
the emptiness can curl up in her ribcage at night when the moon is hidden by the clouds and the cicadas are quiet in summer village. or in the rainstorms of the shrine that broke her fall and started this new life. for now, she feels warmth in her heart instead, that spreads to calloused, worn down fingers and tired violet eyes.
it doesn't need to be here right now.
" i don't regret this path. i don't know what the 'me' before would have done, but i don't regret it. not when i see the faces of people doing their best to live in a world where it's fallen apart. i'm sure the 'kaguya' of before would feel the same. ah and . . . " hands clasp together, against her half-empty all-full heart.
"yuu-san, i'm grateful for you. " her cheeks tinge a humble pink with the warmth her kindness instills in her; the woman's eyes bright with energy despite everything in her ever pushed to its limits.
" don't you see ? you've already made me happy just wishing. the faces i see every day, and the friend i have in front of me, i want them all to live and be happy. i want them to keep seeing warm sunrises and seasons changing. it may not be a good answer, haha.." almost shyly does she brush her fingers against the white plum hairpin.
" it's not much, but it's all i have to give right now. even if it's not enough, i'm happy to have that much. let's both watch each other's happiness, yuu-san. until days go by without the fear we have now. we'll learn and grow in what makes us happy together. "
it's not enough, but it is enough. what is empty can be made full, can't it ? as surely as things have to be protected. so maybe it's enough. it has to be.
