When someone says they like me I think “no you don’t” and when they say they want to be with me, I think “you’ll just leave” and when they say they’ll never hurt me I think “I don’t believe you”

I feel terrified for the first time in my life to fall in love, to believe someone, to be vulnerable with anyone. I have closed myself off to love. 

Everyday is ordinary, but when I look back on ordinary memories, they are bound together in extraordinary books. A sum of every day life compiled into one feeling, one experience. I can flip the pages of the one titled “senior year of high school” and remember all the sounds and smells and feelings pulsing again through me. It has it’s own taste, it’s own color, it’s own aura. 

That isn’t me, has never been me. I don’t know why. Attention validates my voice that constantly asks “Am I lovable? Am I good? Am I valuable?” Other people don’t wonder these things. They don’t question at all their value to people around them.

I just have this inner feeling that I’m trash, that my core is trash and if someone were to know this about me, they wouldn’t like me as much. They’ll see that underneath the nice exterior is trash. 

I thought that would be me soon, but instead I’m alone this Christmas and probably will be next Christmas soon. 

Everyone tells me that it’s fine, I’m young. The later you get married the more likely it’ll last. Well, my parents were married in their mid 30′s and they didn’t last. 

I was really in love with my ex, but was he right for me? I don’t know. I thought we were great up until recently. 

Today I feel kind of lonely. 

I’m looking in the mirror, looking at my flaws and wondering if anyone else will look at them the way he did and still think I was enough. 

Boys have never liked me, ever. I was not a pretty girl growing up and even now I’m nothing to look at lack. Painfully average... but he always looked at me like I was the best thing ever. 

So I skip breakfast, down a mug and a half of coffee and hit the treadmill despite my sinus infection because I think maybe if I lost 15 pounds I’d be exponentially cuter. I met my ex when I was 215 pounds, and he still thought I was a home run. Now I’m much thinner, but still wonder how much more I would be if I lost another 15. 

I look at my pale skin and wonder if I would look better a few shades browner, how my ass would look a little lifted, if my stretch marks can be remedied and if I would look better if I saved up for a boob job. 

I wonder all these things, and remember how he fell for me at the worst I’ve ever looked.

That’s how I am as a person really, when things get hard I turn blue. All the blood retreats back to my vital organs to keep me alive in a cold classroom... All my energy and happiness is directed to the holes in my soul, trying to repair the damage and keep me at least with enough energy to function. 

I am a high functioning clinically depressed individual, I always have been. 

In nursing school I learned about dysthymic disorder and double depression. 

The textbook mentioned that those with dysthymic disorder will often say “I can’t remember ever feeling any different.” 

Sometimes I think I was born defected. I have thought about suicide since I was ten years old. I didn’t want to grow up, not because I liked being a kid but because the responsibilities of being an adult felt overwhelming even as a child and I knew that I wouldn’t have the energy in me to make a decent adult. I could barely muster up the ability to take spelling tests. 

I got my period and cried because I realized, this is happening. I am becoming an adult. How awful. No adult I knew was happy, certainly my mother wasn’t. 

Even now I pretend, pretend to be happy and well adjusted. Ignore the sadness in my chest. It is a levee holding back what I fear could be a major depression episode. All it needs is a good hurricane and I’ll break. The sadness will spill over and out of my eyes, every pore. 

I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. 

I was in a happy relationship for 2.5 years. He broke up with me 5 days ago. I stopped crying three days ago. 

I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not bitter. I’m... optimistic. I feel powerful and strong and happy inside.

What an odd feeling to have. 

When I was 19 a boy I barely knew would reject me and it would send me into a tail spin of sadness and self aggression and bitterness. This week, the love of my life, the man I thought I was going to marry cruelly broke my heart over a phone call the week before finals. Essentially, I wasn’t good enough for him. The ultimate rejection. I hung my hopes for the future upon him like jackets on a coat rack. I thought to myself.. if we ever break up, I will be void of every mentally healthy thing I’ve worked towards these past 3 years. I will be back to my 19 year old self, perhaps even worse. 

Here I am though, not even a week out. I’m acing finals, I’m laughing, I’m looking forward to the future with great expectations and looking back at the past with a soft smile for all of our good times. I can’t even think a negative thought. Everyone says “wow, you are so strong.” Me?? Strong?? 

I cut my hair, shaved my legs, bought lingerie just to lounge around in and feel sexy. I love myself, so it doesn’t matter if someone else decides they don’t love me. It doesn’t make him a bad person, just not the right person for me. I’m glad it happened this week, and not 5 years down the line.  

over two years ago i started this blog and since then i filled it with love letters for him, thoughts from life with him. thoughts in general

 he broke up with me friday