To my first, that i thought would be my last. To Jesse: If this is Goodbye.
If this is goodbye I wish I could take back all the words that I said, all the I like yous, all the I miss yous, maybe you would stay. I don’t know how to start again if I’m still hoping for all the promises that we’ve made. I still think of all the good memories we’ve shared, that made me try harder to hold on. I guess a huge part of us is afraid because we refuse to confront how we feel, maybe that’s why we failed.
I met you not long ago, but it felt like I've known you forever. I met you when everything was easy and exciting and all the possibilities in this world seemed so endless. They still are.
If this is goodbye, I want you to know that I'll miss all the things about you. I will miss all the random facts you say and how optimistic you are about life. I will miss how obsessed you are with books and highlighters. I will miss it when I annoy you and you will always say “you’re too much”. I will miss it when you say “you’ll be fine” whenever I feel doubtful or the “I’m proud of you” whenever I do something great. I will miss how you love light beer so much and how messy you eat. I will miss your colourful socks and your ripped brown jacket. I will miss how you pronounce “leggins'' or long johns as you call it.
And in the morning, I will miss waking up next to you, how we fix your bed together and drink iced coffee. And you’ll wait for the ice to melt, just like the first time we met. I will miss all the laughter, the long walks and the long drives. And just how beautiful each moment was, I somehow found meaning from it, from you. A hundred different ways of goodbyes, but still it was left unspoken.
The world still keeps spinning. The universe never stopped. And the days flew by. Your jokes are slowly fading, consistency is becoming more inconsistent and deep conversations are getting more shallow. That's how life isn’t it? We’re living in a world with constant change. And consider everything is temporary. If losing you is the only choice I had to make, I'd take it, rather than lose myself along the way. I don't want to be drawn to the idea of you, and me, and eventually end up with false hopes in my hands.
For the past week, I’ve gotten tired of running. And the reality finally caught me. Maybe if we meet again, in another world, another life, or another universe, maybe somewhere between here and there we will do differently. Maybe if we meet again, the time would be right and we’re both ready. In this lifetime, it doesn’t. In this story, I have to let go.
But, how am I going to trust anyone ever again? How am I ever going to believe in love and greatness? How am I ever going to think that the next good thing that’s going to happen, isn’t going to be taken away from me as it did with you? For a moment, I believed that I had the chance to be happy again. For a moment, I was sure of something, I was sure of you... of us. Because you’re the kind of person who doesn’t come too often. I was sure of you and of us because of what we’ve had, it is kind, it is good, it is great and it is special. And I’ve come to realize that even if this story didn’t end us up together, maybe that’s enough because for a while we got to experience something great. For a while… we were happy.
So, if this is goodbye… I, thank you for everything.
