claudia :)

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Name: Claudia

Pronouns: any/all- feel free to mix it up a little bit!

I'm aroace, autistic, and genderqueer/genderfluid (also a minor so no weird stuff plz~)

I mostly post abt stuff i like lol

dni if: homophobic/transphobic, support trump/the current administration in the US, aro/acephobic, racist, abelist, terf, anti-environmentalist, uhhh yeah. the basics.

outsiders sideblog: @darkesthourofthedarkestnight

dps roleplay blog (one im most active on lol): @camtastic-i

ao3: czache78 (im so creative guys 🙂‍↕️)

letterboxd: you guessed it... czache78

i was gonna put my pinterest on here but it lowk doxxes my full name so like dm or smth if you want it LMAO

Cameron and Neil who reunited years later, when Cameron came to Welton after a couple years of Neil going there. They recognized each other, but didn't get a chance to talk until they were partnered up in math class one day. Both of them were great at math, and slightly irritated by their classmates who relied on them for help, so they sat next to each other for the rest of the year, becoming fast friends.

They clicked right away because of everything they had in common. Firstly, they were the only two in their grade who had the full-ride scholarship-- thus, they had something in common no one else ever could. The both of them, they'd soon learn, had overbearing and strict fathers who were way too concerned about grades, and Cameron's mother was slowly becoming more like Neil's-- passive and a pushover. They both were really smart and got good grades, especially in topics like math, and they liked it, too. And, though they couldn't name it, the both of them were high achievers-- overachievers, you might even say. And friendships-- and approval-- meant a lot to them.

Cameron also knew Charlie and Knox by then, and sort of Meeks and Pitts, but he was closest with Neil, at least for a few months. Neil would invite him to things he hadn't been brave enough to ask about, and talk to him during class, and he had a built-in person to clarify anything, school or social. They'd call over the summer, talking about random things and their friends and what classes they're taking next year. Often, they'd study together in silence without having to worry about their-- or, Neil's-- friends wanting help, and often, those would escalate into conversations.

Cameron and Neil talked a lot in the confines of that library. Or, Cameron likes to think it was a lot. And not only about school stuff. Cameron, mostly, would talk about his struggles with his insistent parents, and maintaining his grades for the scholarship so he could stay at Welton. Neil understood that better than anyone, as the only other kid in their grade with that scholarship. Neil also understood the part about parents, but he didn't talk about his own quite as much. Instead, he tried his best to offer up help or a kind word to Cameron.

In fact, Neil helped Cameron a lot. Not only with everything he said during their study sessions, but also in social situations. He'd talk him through struggles with his roommate, or a long night of studying before a big final, even, once, when Cameron's dad called and left him crying over a slightly low grade. Cameron didn't realize it at the time, but Neil was the one who helped him into the group in the first place, so seamlessly that he didn't even realize it. Looking back, Cameron wishes he would have thanked him.

It's less often that Neil talked about his father or mother, but Cameron was always there to listen, though he wasn't as good as Neil at offering up a kind response. He didn't seem to be as good at Neil at anything, really, besides academics. Neil seemed to be so put-together with the scholarship and everything, Cameron almost hated himself for complaining about it. But considering they were the only two in their grade who had it, and thus had something in common nobody else could, Cameron ignored that feeling in favor of being friends.

And it was true: they were close, really, for a good few months when Cameron first arrived. Then their friend group fleshed out more and everything got a little hectic. One summer, there was a trip Cameron didn't even know about until the rest of his friends were raving about it when he got back to school. They went boating, which, in Cameron's opinion, is about the most rich-kid thing you can get, and neglected to invite him. Though, of course, they invited Neil. Neil's not rich or fancy either, but he got invited. Of course. Why wouldn't they? Neil was much more exciting anyway, a better friend than Cameron. And the worst part was, Neil seemed happy about it. No trace of a thought about this being wrong, no trace of a thought about Cameron who didn't get invited. Maybe Neil didn't understand him as much as he thought.

That was the year when everyone started to label Cameron as this stuck-up brat, and no wonder. Maybe because he was upset and no longer felt like part of the group, even with his own roommate? Maybe because he'd have liked to go boating with them and they didn't care? Maybe because Neil was a much better friend and person anyway? It hurt so much to see Neil with them, not even considering Cameron anymore, not like he did at first. That was when Neil and Cameron began to drift apart. Neil was never outright mean to him, it was more that he didn't often say anything when everyone else was being rude. Actually, Neil was probably the one that spoke out for him the most, which Cameron thought was honestly just sad.

Cameron who started to resent Neil, along with the rest of the group, if only for being so happy without him to the extent that they acted like they didn't even want him in the first place. Neil looked so happy with everyone else in a way he didn't look like when he hung out with Cameron, ever, and maybe that's what he really wanted, what he deserved, and Cameron just drew the short end of the stick. His fault anyway for being such a "stuck-up brownnoser" and a "rat."

The next year is when Todd comes in, and the feeling of "he looks so much happier with him than with me" magnifies by ten, probably because Neil lookes ten times happier with Todd than with the other poets, even. Cameron hates Todd. He really does. How does he fit in so easily, so smoothly, while Cameron's been friends with them for years and still struggles to get through one lunch without being called a mean name or teased by his roommate? Neil still isn't outright mean, if anything, his efforts to include Cam have slightly increased, but it confuses Cameron because he sees a lot of himself in Todd. They're similar, even if nobody realizes it. If he and Todd are so similar, then why does Neil look so much happier with Todd? Even though Todd's not perfect, just like Cameron? Why does he love him for his faults and all while Cameron doesn't get a word?

There's one night, after a study group, that Cameron and Neil are the only ones left in the library. It's the night before a big final, and neither of them care about getting enough sleep. They talk. Cameron tells him how his classes and the scholarship are going, but he doesn't bring up what's really weighing on his mind-- the jealousy of Todd eating him apart. Neil laughs and says "Yeah, my father is ensuring that I do good this year. Won't even let me do the school annual. I swear, it feels like he's suffocating me sometimes. I hate it." Cameron passes it off as nothing, not realizing the significance until much too late.

When Cameron first came to Welton, and they'd have those talks in the library, Neil told him: "It's okay to not be perfect. You don't have to live up to your father's standards. Like... I'd still be your friend, even if you were failing all your classes. Even if your dad was pissed at you for some reason. Even if you were at your lowest. I'd still be friends with any of you." So Cameron knows that Neil wouldn't have wanted him to do this. By this, he means try to live up to Neil. He's not sure why he feels the need to do this, but Neil has always been perfect. Academically, socially, anything you could think of. No matter how hard Cameron tries, he can't do the same. He may be good, really good, at math or chemistry, but not at much else. Not like Neil. But Neil was his first friend. The first one to invite him to things, bring him into the group, let him talk about things that bothered him, actually seemed to care. He has to do something for him. And if that something is protecting the rest of his friends, the ones he loved more than Cameron, then so be it. Even if they don't understand it. Even if they hate him more than ever, for a real reason now. Even if he's ruined any chances of ever having friends again. Maybe that was his purpose all along. Good for nothing, except someone for the rest of them to hate.

pearl 🤝 cameron