Alice

I heard my alarm clock go off as groaned, quickly stirring up out of my deep sleep that I was enjoying. I turned around in my bed and noticed it was seven in the morning, on the dot. I took a deep breathe and started pushing my way out of bed; beginning my morning routine.

Things have gotten a lot better in the last month or so, I finally started to feel at home here. Johannes even offered me a full time position at the shop, he even offered to help me look into applying for some kind of permanent solution to actually stay here. We had dinner last week, after I was struggling at work and I finally opened up to him; much to his horror. He kept telling me, ‘we’re gonna figure out something’ and ‘I’m not sending you back to that environment’

It had been over four weeks since I last saw a certain blonde haired musician, after reading his text message that came in that night; I did something completely deplorable. I snuck into my bedroom as I tried to use his sleeping face for the Face ID on his phone, finally getting it to work after a few tries. An hour later, and scrolling through multiple text threads and finding out there had to be at least three other women. I heard a “what the fuck are doing?” From behind me as I was huntched over, sitting on my knees on my couch.

That lead to at least a three hour fight as he kept throwing words like ‘psycho’ and ‘insane’ towards me as I cried and tried to defend myself, finally ending our fight with a “we’re not even together, this is ridiculous.” As he walked out of my apartment, slamming my door behind him.

After that, I took some deep reflection on my habits and trauma; deciding it was time to turn a new leaf. I needed to try and move on from my past, as much as it was going to hurt; oh boy it hurt despite the strides I was making. I allowed myself to start opening up more and making connections, allowing my coworkers to invite me places and make friends with their friends. Allowing myself to feel my hurt and pain, and crying it out. I even started looking into therapy, once I got my status in place.

And that’s how I met Mark. We’ve been hanging out for the last two weeks or so, nothing serious at all but he’s been making actual efforts to get to know me and make plans with me. I met him at a dinner party that I got invited to by a friend of a friend I met through Maria; he was quiet and shy until he made a sarcastic joke while we were sat next to each other and I piggybacked off his joke, making both of us have to stifle our laughter. He was safe, he worked in IT for a company in the city and had his own condo, two cats and was raised by a single mother and two older sisters.

That’s how I ended up with plans for this Saturday night, he told me to clear my schedule because he absolutely just had to see me and wanted to take me out; even if we had just had dinner at his place the Thursday before, and went to see a movie on Monday.

I made my way through the streets of the city, deciding heels weren’t my best friend tonight. I looked down at the strappy platforms I decided on and cursed myself before moving my handbag strap farther up my shoulder and trucking along before seeing a familiar face in the crowd. “Beautiful!” He called out to me and I hurried my pace up, forming a big smile and threw my arms around Mark as I got near him. “Well, if it isn’t the most beautiful girl here in the Netherlands,” he quipped and gave me a small kiss on my cheek while helping me pull down the back of my dress that had ridden up as I gave him a hug. “And if it isn’t the most sweetest and handsome man in the Netherlands, standing right in front of me.” I replied back, pushing the slight feeling of ‘ick’ that popped into my brain; telling myself this is the new me. The new me doesn’t get the ick with nice men, she welcomes them in her life with open arms.

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Fourty minutes later and we were situated in a bar area that apparently had the best food in Rotterdam, as he put it. It was a nice change of pace not wanting to drink to get absolutely hammered and instead, have a few drinks with dinner.

Mark was telling me something about what was happening in his current workplace drama. When I heard a voice that I knew all too well behind me, enter into the bar area. I swiftly took a sharp breath, and moved my hand to my vodka cran; pulling it up and taking two large gulps of it. I cut Mark off, telling him sorry but I had to go to the bathroom real quick and how I was just dying to hear the rest of his story but I was about to pee myself. He let out a laugh and waved me off in a friendly manor.

I quickly got up from the table; cursing that of course the bathroom was towards the front of the space. I quickly turned around and scanned the area, locking my eyes on my avoided target; a certain blonde boy named Joost Klein, who was accompanied by a few friends and what looked to be a small model-like girl, who was hanging off his arm and letting her head rest against his bicep.

I took a deep breathe and told myself, ‘you’re okay.’ As I tried to duck behind other tables and patrons of the bar, basically crawling on the wall to try and avoid him. Realizing I probably looked like a freak, but I’d rather look like a freak than embarrass myself in any other way. I successfully made it past them as I walked into the women’s restroom and made my way to the sinks; turning the water on and washing my hands, aptly splashing some water onto my face. I looked up into the mirror and tried giving myself a pep talk, about how I was a ‘bad-ass bitch’ and how I deserve to be here as much as anybody else, even if I only half believed my mantras.

10 minutes had gone by before I doubled checked myself in the mirror one more time after replying my lipgloss and gave myself a nod. Making my way to the door and flinging it open, right as person who I was dreading seeing began walking down the hall to the men’s restroom. He abruptly stopped in his tracks as I stood in the doorway, slightly beginning to panic. He almost looked like he seen a ghost, and I couldn’t imagine my expression was much better.

“Uh… um, hey.” He said and I almost wanted to start backing into the bathroom and spend the rest of my night there, “hi.” Came out of my mouth before realizing it, I made my way out of the door and let it slam behind me before slightly inching toward him; realizing there was realistically only a couple feet between us. “Um… how are you?” He rubbed the back of his neck, “I’m fine. How are you?” I replied lowly, beginning to pick at my cuticle. “Fine….” He trailed off and that’s when I noticed he moved his eyes down my body; specifically my chest. That fucker.

“I actually have to get back to my table, my dates waiting for me.” I started walking forward, trying to push past him. “Date?” He asked, it almost sounding hurt. I nodded and moved my hand to his shoulder, slightly pushin him. “Yeah, date. I kind of, sort’ve, met somebody.” I nodded to myself and finally got past him, “and it looks like you did to. Or at least somebody for the night.” I said over my shoulder and sauntered off before even giving him a chance to reply to my snarky comment.

────୨ৎ────

After the small set back, the night went really good despite it all. I noticed joost and his friends quickly left after our awkward encounter in that hallway and I had a good dinner and allowed myself to get slightly tipsy. Mark insisted to at least walking me to the metro station, I still wasn’t comfortable letting him in his space yet and he respected that, which in turn made me realize that being truly respected was nice.

I got into my apartment, and started taking my shoes off and gave myself a deep breath and started up my mantras again, hoping they would help whatever feeling I had deep in my stomach at the moment. I decided a shower was much needed, and maybe one of the canned cocktails that Mark had gifted me a four pack of after mentioning I liked it. I grabbed one of the cans from my fridge, opening it and grabbing my small speaker from my counter; going to get myself set up in my bathroom. I walked back out and grabbed my phone from my purse, remembering I had told Mark I’d text him when I got home.

I unlocked my phone as noticed a notification from none other the man I’ve been trying to forget about for the last couple weeks. I furrowed my brow and opened it seeing he sent me his location, followed by a ‘come over.’ I quickly closed out of the thread before moving over to the text thread with Mark and sending him a quick ‘made it home’ text, connecting my phone to the speaker and turning some music on low.

I finally made it into the shower, washing my day off my skin and hair. Twenty minutes later, I finally felt clean enough and got out of the shower; turning it off. Quickly getting my robe on and beginning to dry my hair off, I heard my phone start ringing, without thinking I picked it up and and brought it to my ear. “Hello?” I asked into the microphone, “schat.” I heard come through the phone, and I my eyes snapped open, “what do you want.” I asked in an accusing tone, recognizing that voice all too well.

“I know you saw my text, I want you to come over.” He replied. “Are you drunk? On some type of hard drugs? Have you fallen and hit your head in the last twenty four hours, and could possibly need to go to the emergency room?” I replied, in a rude tone and moved into my living room, sitting on my couch.

“I had a few beers, no and no,” he said, “I just…. I’m thinking about you in that dress. And thinking about whatever nerd had the pleasure of taking it off of you tonight.” I laughed, genuinely let out a guttural laugh and went on, “and even if somebody did get to take it off me tonight, what does that have to do with you?” I heard him take a breath in that sounded like it came through his teeth, “It doesn’t have anything to do with me but that doesn’t stop me getting annoyed about the thought of your pretty, tight pussy around some other’s cock, baby.”

────୨ৎ────

An hour later on the phone later, I was in the back of a ride share service car, biting my nails. After going back and forth, until he started talking dirty to me in Dutch; I realized I might need to do this, truly the ‘go back till you hate them’ method. I promised that after tonight, I was truly a changed woman. I had a gnawing feeling in the back of my brain and stomach, knowing it had to do with the man I was on a date with just a couple hours ago, I knew I was gonna have to tell him but that’s for me to worry at a later date.

My phone kept going off with pings signaling incoming text messages, mostly telling me what he was gonna do to me and a couple explicit photos of him from what looked like his couch. I thumbed up the pictures and sent a few sexts back, mostly half assing them.

The driver slowly came to a stop, and said something to me softly in dutch, I think about how this was my stop. I gave them a quiet, ‘thank you’ and made my way out of the car; clutching onto my bag as I felt the breeze hit my bare legs. I decided on wearing a pair of sleep shorts and tshirt, he didn’t get anything special out of me. I quickly made my way up to the door and unlocked my phone sending a ‘im here’ text before shoving my phone in my bag; after turning my location off. I crossed my arms over my chest and shifted my weight over to one leg while waiting a few minutes.

I heard fumbling with the lock and the door slowly creeped open, revealing him standing there; shirtless and in a pair of pajama pants hanging low on his waist. He gave me a smirk as he opened the door wider, taking a step back and motioning for me to come in. I rolled my eyes and began to walk into the space, feeling stupid and embarrassed I found myself in this situation but I had nobody to blame but myself at this point.

I took a few steps in, looking around the front entrance of his home while I heard him close and lock the door behind me, slowly creeping up and snaking his arms around my waist; placing his hands on my stomach and pushing the tips of his fingers into the top elastic of my shorts. “I knew you would come,” he said in a low voice and he pressed a kiss to the side of my head, “and I’m so glad you did.”

I bit my lip and decided to play into it, pushing my back up and his chest and leaning my head back into his shoulder, “I’m so glad I came to, hopefully in more than one way tonight.” He let out a chuckle before removing his hands from my waist and walking into the main living area, calling out for me to follow. He motioned to his couch, which I noticed was leads better than mine and asked if I wanted anything to drink. “I’m all out of wine but I have beer,” he teased me as he made his way into what I assumed was the kitchen and I yelled out that should be fine. He returned with two open bottles of beer, handing one down to me as he sat next to me on the couch, picking up his remote and pressing play on whatever he had paused from before. I nervously took a sip of the beer and kept my hand on my knee, staring straight ahead.

“Liefde,” he whispered, and I looked over, “you don’t have to be so scared. Its only me.”

I nodded and took another chug of the beer, moving forward to sit on the coffee table, removing my bag from my shoulder and letting it slip onto the floor; while kicking my shoes off. I could feel his eyes bore into the side of my head before I slowly leaned back into the couch, picking my legs up to tuck them under me and turn towards him. He took a big swig of his beer and followed suit, setting it next to mine on the table. “Come over here, come closer.” He commanded me and I began to lean forward, slightly crawling towards him like scared puppy. He smiled and brought his hand up to my face as soon as I was close enough and rubbed his thumb over my jaw.

“I don’t know what it is about you and driving me nuts, making me think about you all the time. Making me so fucking mad. Making jealous.” He almost spat that last part at me, before grabbing onto my chin and bringing my face forward to crash his lips onto mine, kissing me with force and power. I closed my eyes and let my lips work around his, placing my hands on his thigh and felt his bulge rub up against the side of my fingers. He pulled away and I let my eyes snap back open, he looked at me for a good second, licking his lip and smirking; “But it looks like I won anyways tonight, I have you here right now.”

He let go of my chin and asked me to lay back onto the couch and I followed commands, laying back and resting my head on one of the decorative throw pillows. He sat on the other side of the couch, palming himself through his thin pajama pants and said my name in a low voice that almost made me melt right into the fake leather of his couch. “What?” I asked, “I want you to touch yourself for me.” He threw out into the air and let out a deep breath, as I harshly bit down on my lower lip. “Okay,” I replied, “but only if you do it at the same time.”

He nodded and I stood up, moving my shorts and underwear down my legs and sitting back on the couch, as I watched him shimmy out of his pants; cock springing out. I lazily moved my leg up onto the back of the couch, resting the foot of my other on the floor; giving him a full display. He stopped for a second, staring at me with amazement as I noticed his pupils dilate. I gave him a half nod and moved my hand down my stomach and onto my own clit, slowly moving my fingers in small circles as he moved his hand to his dick; beginning to tug on it slowly.

I leaned my head back and leaned my hips up into my hands, picking up pace before I heard him call out to me, “keep your eyes on me.” I picked up head up lazily and push my fingers down my folds, pushing them in myself, pumping them a few times before bringing them back to up to my most sensitive area. I watched as his lazily jerked his own dick, moving his eyes between my face and my fingers going to work.

This went on for a few more minutes before he let go of himself, and I followed his lead. Dropping my leg back down, resting my foot down on the top of his calf. “Fuck,” he muttered, “come here again. Stand in front of me.” He began to sit up straight on the couch as I stood up, coming to stand in front of him. “On your knees.” He directed me, before I slowly dropped to them; folding my legs under me as he moved his fingertips to the hem of my shirt, helping me take it off; leaving both of us fully naked and exposed.

“I’ve tasted you and now I think it’s my turn to get pleasured.” He leaned back, slightly spreading his legs. I bit my lip and looked up to him through my eyelashes, nodding and moved forward, taking his rock hard length into my hand moving my body up; sitting over it before letting some spit dribble out of my mouth onto the tip of his dick, as he let out a sharp breath and bit his lip. I began moving my hand up and down, opening my mouth open and moving my head down, letting my mouth fully engulf the tip. Flattening my tongue out against the bottom of it and moving down, hearing him let a out a string of ‘fucks’, before quickly moving back up, finding my rhythm for the next couple minutes.

I reached the tip again, circling the tip with my tongue as I bought my hands to his thighs, grabbing onto them as he let out the most pathetic moans into the air. “You keep that up and I’m gonna cum all over your face again.” He let out a sigh and brought his hand down to push some hair off my shoulder. I moved off his dick and set the side of my head on his thigh, looking up to him once again. Taking in how the moonlight hit his skin from the wide windows in his living room, as I watched his chest move up and down rapidly.

“I want to fuck you.” He finally let out as he sat up from his position on the couch and ran the back of his knuckles on my cheek bone, as I nodded in complacency. I moved back and felt my shoulders hit the coffee table, placing my hands on the edge and lifting myself up from my kneeling position. He watched from his position, taking a few swipes at his dick as I decided it was my turn to take command of the situation, moving over to the couch and climbing onto it; setting my knees on the edge and letting my head rest against the back of the couch.

“Then come fuck me.” I said as I closed my eyes, feeling him push himself up from his sitting position. I waited for a few seconds before I felt his hand grab my ass, rubbing his thumb over the skin and quickly letting his core meet mine; slowing pushing his tip into my open and aching hole. He started pushing down into me while I let out a string of whines and moans. “Fuck,” he started, bringing his free hand up to my shoulder, “so tight and warm…. Just like I remembered. I don’t think I can share this pussy with anybody.” He let out an almost whine as he reached my cervix, sitting there for a few minutes.

I folded my arms across the back of the couch and laid my head down, he mumbled something I didn’t catch before pulling his hips away from my ass and began thrusting against me. I bit my lip as I let out small mewls and whines, calling out his name as I could feel his hand sneak up my spine, resting his hand on my shoulder and slightly pulling me back; moving my hands to hold my body weight up. “Fuck, moppie. You feel so good. I don’t know how I’m suppose to last long in you.” He groaned behind me as his hand slowly made its was up my collar bone and rested his fingers on the front of my chest.

I took a shaky breath and moved to pick my hand up, putting it ontop of his as I moved his hand to my throat; encouraging him to grab onto it. “You stretch me out so good, better than anybody could.” I felt his fingers clasp onto the sides of my throat as he let out a strangled cry, I could tell his orgasm was coming so I started moving my hips back to meet his; letting his pelvic bone bounce against my ass.

A few more thrusts and I could feel him come unraveled as I felt the soft liquid of his cum pool inside of me, he let out a string of whispers as he removed his hand from my throat and set it against my shoulder and leaned forward; resting his body against my back. “Holy shit,” was I all I picked up before I felt a pair of lips connect with my shoulder blade. He leaned back up and slowly started pulling out of me, telling me to stay still while he went to go grab something to wipe me up with.

He quickly left the room, as I stayed in my position; feeling completely vulnerable and trying to push back terrible thoughts in my head; I kept telling myself this was exposure therapy and maybe letting him fuck me from behind would help unravel all the trauma behind it. He quickly came back into the room and squatted behind me, pushing what felt like a warm washcloth to my center and wiped me down, moving his hand up to my ass and spreading it slightly; trying to clean me thourougly. I felt him drop his arm as I felt his lips connect with my pussy, giving it a soft kiss before he stood back up.

I took a deep breath and started standing up myself, shaking slightly and moved to grab my shirt and shorts. “What are you doing?” He asked in a puzzled tone, “I’m gonna get dressed so I can head back home… where’s your bathroom?” He raised his eyebrow at me, “well the bathrooms over there if you have to pee or something…. But you know you could stay the night?” I turned around to look up at him, holding my crumpled clothes against my chest and letting out small sniffle, trying to push some tears back from my eyes.

His face softened and he moved forward, grabbing my clothes from my hands and throwing them on his couch. “Are you okay? Was this okay for you?” He asked me and that alone made something in me break as the tears sprung forward, rushing down my cheeks. He pulled me into his chest and started petting the back of my hair, giving the top of my head a kiss. “We don’t have to talk about it.” Was all he mumbled as I nodded, against his chest.

We stood like that for a few more moments as he suddenly leaned down, bringing the back of my thighs into his hands and lifted me up against his body, wrapping my legs around his hips as he kept his hand steady on my back. He slightly wobbled as he started backing up, making his way through the living area and down a hall; into a dimly lit space and I realized it was his bedroom.

He sat me down on the edge and told me to make myself myself comfortable, I nodded in a submissive nature and laid back; laying my head on the pillow and pulling my knees up slightly towards my chest and moving one of my hands underneath my head. I felt the bed behind me slightly dip and felt his presence behind me, pulling the sheet over our bodies until he he settled in, moving his arm around me and his chin ontop of my head.

“We can’t keep doing this,” I whispered, “it can’t be good for either of us.” I felt him huff slightly and hum out, “I know, schat.” He whispered out into the darkness, “I wish I could’ve met you at a different part of my life, maybe when I wasn’t so broken and not repairable.” I whispered back to him. I felt him press a kiss to the top of my head, “do you actually think that? That you can’t be fixed?”

I closed my eyes and let a deep sigh out, “sometimes. Yeah, I feel like something in me is just… not right and can never be right again. I mean, I just… don’t know.” He tightened the grip on my waist and said, “nobody’s truly evil. We all make mistakes at the end of the day.” I nodded and moved my hand down to his, setting my palm onto the back of his hand, rubbing my fingers over the flesh of his fingers.

“So… that date you were on?” I could tell he was nervous to ask me, almost like he was testing the waters. “It’s just some guy I met at dinner party, nothing serious I guess. I don’t know, I think he likes me more than I like him.” I felt him slightly stir behind me, “is that so?” I let out a soft ‘mhm’ and laced my fingers through his.

A couple moments of silence followed before he broke it, “let me take you on a date. An actual date.” I opened my eyes and whispered, “you want to?” I felt him nod, “yeah, let me make up for this. How I should’ve done it in the first place. Take you to dinner, have a conversation with you… get to know about you, on a deeper level.”

I sleepily agreed and felt his body relax against mine as he nuzzled his face into my neck, slowly letting sleep overtake both of our bodies.

you don’t mind the quiet so much anymore.

it used to leave your head spinning; bits and pieces, different fragments, old,  faint bad memories all seeping in through the cracks because there were no more distractions left behind to stop them. sometimes even the thought of it, being left alone to rot in silence so loud that you’d hear nothing but the ringing in your ears, it used to make your skin crawl. made it easier to chase after the noise that you so deeply craved for years upon years of your life, actually. 

that’s what made it all so easy with joost. with him it was always just go go go — never stopping, never slowing down, hardly even sleeping half of the time. and for months at the start, he’d been so kind about it, reminding you almost daily that if it ever got too much for you, if you ever needed a break from it all or even just from him, then he’d understand. a different country every other day, always scheming over something, it would be a lot for anyone.

just not for you, though. you love the chaos of his everyday life, don't you? seeing the world, the creation of his art and how it breathes; simply just being a part of it even if it’s only ever from the sidelines. you live for it almost as much as you live for him, because it’s always about him, for you, isn't it?

not even a full month in, you knew that you were in love with him — that you would follow joost anywhere, at any time if he asked you to. how lucky was it for you that he actually did, because really, he’s always loved you just as much as you’ve loved him — maybe even a little more, somehow. to this day, he still tries to brag about being the first one of you to say it, the three dreaded little words that you’re never supposed to confess after such little time, just because it still annoys you that he got there first.

all those friends of his that had adopted you as one of their own, they call you his ‘partner in crime’, don’t they? and those of them that hadn’t believed in soulmates before definitely believed in them now, because of you. even after so many years together, glued to your laptops and working from inside countless different hotel rooms, or passed out and squished in the bunks of a tour bus, you’re both still so helplessly obsessed with each other.

and that was what made the quiet all themore tolerable for you now.

because as you sit here, curled up on such an uncomfortable plastic garden chair, on a hotel balcony somewhere in spain, you know that you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. the warm, early evening air gently blows past you, making you grip onto the pages of your paperback book all that much harder. it pulls the odd strand of your hair loose from the bun that sits on the very top of your head; the sun-bleached strands still a little damp from your swim together an hour or two earlier. surprisingly, despite how humid it actually was, it makes you shiver. 

“cold?”  joost murmurs from an old, horrible, squeaking chair of his own; his soft eyes already dancing over the goosebumps that pricks at your skin.

“i’ll warm up in a minute.”

you just don’t want to move, do you? you don’t want him to suggest moving inside, or to disappear inside himself just to grab you a hoodie — you don’t want anything to change at all, not even for a moment. because this is unbridled bliss, no matter how cold you suddenly are. you want to stay out here with this book of yours in your hands, the sound of calm, ocean waves still within earshot, and the smell of joost’s cigarette heavy inside your nose.

as you have been quietly reading, he’s been smoking yet another one of his duty-frees and doodling on his ipad. the only real noise was your phone rotating through your liked songs on spotify, as it lays almost forgotten about on the equally, and partially stained table. 

and i love her — kurt cobain.

“no you won’t; come here.”

but much to your dismay, joost still starts to shift. he kicks his legs up and off the balcony railing, and swivels carefully in his seat, putting down his ipad as he does so. with wide, spread legs and a now empty lap, he pats his thighs and beckons you over as though this is the only possible solution to your problem. when you don’t move at first, still with the idea in your head that he was about to get up and walk away, joost pouts and makes grabby hands at you until he can’t contain his laughter anymore.

“cmon, you’re making me look needy now. come sit on me.”

you snort quietly underneath your breath as you stand, leaving your book to lie forgotten about too, next to your phone. “what? out here?”

“shut up, not like that.”

he hadn’t needed to ask you a third time. just as you had in your chair, you quickly get comfortable and curl up in his arms, feeling the steady beating of his heart beside your ear as you rest your head against his chest. those long, inked arms of his wrap around your waist and pull you impossibly closer, tucking you up neatly underneath his chin.

he takes a minute just to breathe you in, and nestles his cheek against your hair; he shifts again just to kiss the top of your head. “better?”

“much better.”

“hungry yet?”

“no.”  — a little white lie.

your own stomach betrays you and rumbles, because neither of you have eaten since lunch. the small sound of it makes him laugh and you wiggle yourself even deeper into his hold, somehow, desperately trying to weigh him down. you know that it’s pointless because he could still pick you up, throw you over his shoulder, move you as though you weigh nothing to him. you’re just trying to make a point.

“move and i’ll cry.”

you really do love the quiet now. you treasure it, actually. you have to, considering how fleeting it always is. 

“okay, okay, we’ll stay here. it’s okay.”  you feel him sigh against you, and miss the sight of his eyes fluttering shut just as yours already have. “think i might fall asleep if we do, though.”

he really loves this quiet, too.

“five more minutes?”

the words come out all slurred in a way that you just can’t help, sleepy — you’re not really asking for five more minutes, are you? and you know that he knows that.

————————————

A gentle breeze hit your face as you walked through the city. It wasn't unpleasant, but it was definitely surprising to feel in the beginning of July. You had hoped for a summer day, the kind that makes your clothes stick to your body with sweat and your eyes squint from the sunlight. But instead, the temperature was just... nice. The sun was up in the sky, but the wind kept you from feeling your skin melt. You just had to avoid the shadows of the big buildings, or else you'd freeze with no natural warmth to balance with the slight breeze. Especially when your hands were already turning into two big ice cubes. The cans of Monster you were holding were quickly transmitting their coldness onto your fingers, while your digits did the opposite, making the energy drink not so refreshing. Still, you hoped your boyfriend would appreciate it. You knew he would. He always appreciated your love gestures. It was so easy to put a smile on that man's face. A simple drink from the small grocery shop located a few minutes away from the hotel and he was all yours. In fact, just the thought of you going downstairs to get him a Monster had been enough to make him grin like an excited little kid. Of course he told you that you didn't have to; that if the hotel mini fridge didn't have Monster, he could just drink a different thing. But you wanted to. You wanted to treat him like a princess. A princess who waits in her castle as her knight in shining armor absents himself to go get her any thing she desires. And that was exactly what her knight was doing. Leaving the comfort of their hotel room only to fulfill the beautiful princess' wishes. A princess who was probably drinking beer in bed at that exact moment.

You finally got to the hotel, entering the building and leaving the Finnish wind gently blowing outside. The warmth of the lobby immediately hugged you, involving you in a tighter embrace as you made your way to where the rooms were. The faint sound of music could be heard, becoming a bit louder - but never losing its softness - as you walked down the corridor. It sounded muffled, what lead you to believe it wasn't the hotel's new addition to the atmosphere. It seemed rather like it came from behind one of the doors. Each step made you closer to the mysterious source of the music, finally allowing you to make out which song was playing. You could recognize one of your boyfriend's dearest bands anywhere. The melody of 'Super Trouper' by ABBA became unmistakable once you stood by a certain door. Of course the music came from your room. You smiled to yourself and inserted the hotel card into the door reader, pressing on the handle and gently opening it.

As soon as you caught a glimpse of the interior, you saw Joost moving to the slow beat, quietly singing along while his arms and hips swayed in a delicate way.

"Tonight the super trouper beams are gonna blind me

But I won't feel blue

Like I always do

'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you"

You watched him with a dopey smile, eventually putting down the cans you were holding so you could cross your arms and lean against the doorframe while enjoying the private performance. His movements had always mesmerized you, how he balanced that duality of soft and chaotic so well... In moments like this, he didn't even seem like the same guy who humped speakers during concerts. His sweet voice a huge contrast to the loud screams he usually lets out when he's excited. You couldn't help but melt as you saw him dance towards the bed - completely distracted and unaware of your presence - to grab his rosary necklace and add it to his gorgeous outfit. He was wearing black pants with a plain white t-shirt that hugged his body in all the right places, showing his belly, and the nipples through the fabric. It accentuated his curvy waist in a Venus-like way, almost distracting you from the fact that he had just jumped slightly as he finally saw you through the mirror. Dance moves stopping at the same time that he stuttered the words he was singing.

"Jesus, baby, you scared me!" Joost chuckled, turning to face you.

"Sorry..." You let out a little laugh yourself at the way his chest was heaving and his hand was resting over his heart. "Don't stop just because of me, though." A lazy smile appeared on your lips as you teasingly stayed in the same place, waiting to see him resume his movements. "I was enjoying the show."

"Don't put that kind of pressure on me!" He giggled and averted his gaze from your face, turning down the music instead.

You pushed off from the doorframe with a grin and walked up to him, immediately wrapping both arms around his waist and planting a lingering kiss to his mouth.

"So shy all of a sudden..." You mumbled the words against his lips as your smile widened, hands finding his hips to knead at the soft skin. He was so squishy. "I brought you Monster." You said once you pulled away.

"My hero!"

He surprised you with a hug, and suddenly you found yourself smothered by his big chest. Sometimes Joost could be a bit forgetful of his own strength and size, especially when he was all giddy and excited. You would never dare to complain, though.

"No, but seriously, you didn't have to, you know?" He pulled away, beaming like the ray of sunshine he is.

"I know. But I wanted to." You smiled back and moved your hands to his waist, caressing it over the wrinkles of his shirt. It was way too tight on him, but damn if it didn't look good. Delicious.

Your thumbs rubbed the fabric, almost absentmindedly, although your brain was well aware of how much you craved him. Even the smallest touch was enough to ground you, at the same time that it made you experience a floating sensation... and at the same time that it always left you wanting more. Admiring eyes shifted to where you were holding, then a little lower, taking in his tummy. The shirt didn't reveal all of it, but it was enough to drive you crazy. He looked even more beautiful to the sound of ABBA quietly playing in the background. But you couldn't help but wonder what was the occasion for that particular outfit.

"Mmm, and what is my baby wearing?" You hummed appreciatively.

"You weren't supposed to see this yet... It's for tonight's show."

"I wasn't supposed to see it yet?"

"No, it was a surprise."

"Kinda like a 'can't see the bride before the wedding' type of thing?" You teased, poking his waist and watching him squirm before continuing to explain.

"No... that's to avoid bad luck. In this case, it was just so you'd drool all over me once you saw me on stage in these clothes." He smirked. “But you were too quick to get back from the store…”

"And who said I won't still drool? Hm?" You squeezed his waist. "It doesn't matter if I've seen the outfit, you know I'll always be crazy about it."

"Good, because-"

Suddenly, he interrupted himself with an excited gasp. You had no idea what had just happened to make him that happy... not even as he pointed to the right, apparently showing you the reason of his behavior. You couldn't see anything out of the ordinary in the room. But then, you understood. A simple turning up of the music was all that you needed to understand what this was about.

"I love this song! Now there's nothing at aaall, that can keeep us apaaart~" He started singing in a mock-serious tone, eyebrows furrowed and puckered lips in exaggerated expressions. "Touch my liiips..." He brought your hand to his lips and you playfully rolled your eyes, letting him give a quick peck to your fingertips. He continued his singing, letting go of your wrist to point at you. "And you knooow I'm crazy 'bout youuuuu~"

Just when you thought he was going to serenade you with some romantic slow song, the beat changed to an upbeat one, scaring you a little, but filling him with energy.

"Kisses of fire!" Joost lifted his arms in a theatrical manner. "Burning, burning!" He then lowered and opened them in the same way, swaying his hips as he danced with a grin on his face. You were close to telling him the music could be heard by the whole hotel, but you didn't have the guts when he looked that happy, so you just smiled.

He kept on dancing and singing, never stopping the movements of his arms and hips, making you look at him with a dopey expression.

"I've had my share of love affairs, but they were nothing compared to thiiis~" He shook his shoulders, getting closer to you. You didn't budge from your spot, so he took the chance to grab your waist as he pouted at you. "Dance with me, babyyy~"

He guided you to the beat while you tried to stifle your giggles. It was clumsy and uncoordinated, but neither of you wanted it to be perfect. At least, not according to the definition of most people. In your eyes, this moment was definitely what appeared in front of the word perfect in the dictionary.

He took your hand, dramatically making you spin and pushing you down onto the bed. You fell on your elbows, laughing as he swayed his hips provocatively in front of you. Still, in the midst of his silly motions, you found him incredibly attractive. You always did. His bubbly personality and pretty looks were an irresistible combination and you weren't strong in the slightest when it came to it. You eyed him up and down, in what you thought was a discrete way of taking him in. Joost noticed your appreciative look, but didn't say anything, instead crawling on top of your body and kissing you while the music kept playing. After a few seconds, he pulled away, revealing your smile.

"You're heavy. Did you know that?"

His grin widened at your teasing words and, in one swift motion, he rolled over to the side, shirt riding up in the process, revealing all of his tummy. You let a hand wander to the fuzzy yet soft skin, petting it. When you glanced up, you noticed that he had turned his head to look at you - half-lidded eyes and lazy smirk.

"So, what did you think of the 'show'?" Joost asked.

"10/10, would recommend. Way different from that 'Super Trouper' bit you were performing when I got here, but equally as incredible."

"That's a Joost Klein show for ya." He chuckled. "A little preview of tonight."

"Interesting..." You slowly got on top of him, straddling his thighs while your hands rested on his stomach. "I also have a little preview of tonight for you."

His eyes widened slightly as you began talking in a sultry tone, but the heavy eyelids quickly returned once you started massaging his tummy. You smirked, moving your hands to his waist - and taking the opportunity to pull up his shirt even further - so you could plant soft kisses on his belly pouch.

"My little born dancer~" You murmured against him. Your hands slid down a bit lower as your mouth replaced them on their previous spot. They held his hips now, thumbs tenderly rubbing the skin. It was always a battle in your brain to decide whether to use your hands or your mouth on a particular part of his body, ending up with you choosing to desperately alternate between the two. "... With his little born dancer hips~" You gave him a series of gentle pecks on his waist, listening to his giggles. "You really were blessed with the most beautiful body... Look at these curves... Jesus..."

"Blessed?" More adorable little chuckles left his lips as you nosed at his side.

"Mhm..." You pulled away to look him the eyes. "You know those sculptures from Ancient Times? Women with curvy bodies and little belly pouches in skin-tight clothing? You look like one of those sculptures." Your mouth moved to worship his tummy again, distributing kisses like he was something sacred.

"You're so biased." He scoffed with a smitten expression.

"I'm not! It's the truth." The words barely made your lips leave his skin, but you could sense the fond shaking of his head. "It was viewed as a sign of wealth back then, you know?" You said after a beat of silence, going back to that topic. He furrowed his brows with a smile as he waited for you to continue, and once again, you turned to face him, gentle hands massaging his soft figure. "Having a plump body, I mean. They associated it with high status because those were the people who could afford to eat well and didn't have to do manual work."

"Well, aren't you a little nerd?" He flashed you a grin, teasingly messing up your hair. "Tell me more."

"The Greeks actually had a word for that: 'Eusarkos'. It was used to refer to that desirable state of wellness, meaning something like 'fleshy'. It was a weird time in many things, but showing non-skinny bodies some love is definitely something we should do nowadays." You returned to kissing his tummy, making sure to accompany it with loud 'mwah' noises.

"Can't believe you're using your Ancient History knowledge to worship my body." He laughed.

"Those were just fun facts. My hands and mouth are doing all the worshipping." You smirked and let your hands squeeze his waist while your mouth sucked some hickies onto his tummy. "You're way more beautiful than those sculptures, anyway." You sighed against his pale skin, mumbling praises. "So much more beautiful..." In a slow, deliberate movement you started pulling down his black jeans - not yet with the accessories he would wear to the concert.

"You're the beautif-"

"Shhh, this isn't about me, baby, it's about you." You interrupted him, taking his pants off completely and leaving him in just his dark boxers - the ones with his name all around the waistband. He looked perfect with that tight shirt pulled up to his chest and bare legs on display.

More kisses were planted on his tummy while you began kneading at his waist, making him impatient now that he was in his underwear. But you weren't cruel, so you let your pecks trail to the bulge at the front of his boxers, getting closer to what you two wanted. One of Joost's hands buried in your hair, scratching as if unconsciously telling you to take him into your mouth. But you didn't need to be told twice. Faster than when it came to his pants, you pulled down his boxers, exposing his beautiful cock. It was half-hard already from all the kissing and desperately waiting for your lips to wrap around it.

"So needy, liefje~" He giggled as you stared hungrily at his dick.

"Look who's talking..." Your hand wrapped around his length, giving it a couple of strokes and watching it twitch. "You're the one getting hard from tummy kisses." A smirk appeared on your face as you made him blush.

"You weren't just kissing it, okay? Besides, I like being worshipped. Feels nice."

"And I'm the needy one? Riiight." You leaned down to give the head a little lick, enjoying the immediate furrow of his eyebrows in pleasure. "Let me help with that neediness, pretty."

Your hand slid to the base, giving it some attention, as the tip of his cock disappeared between your lips, allowing you to finally feel his warmth inside your mouth. A hum escaped you as you made a few up and down motions before slowly taking him deeper, forcing yourself to reach where your fingers were. Realizing you didn't need your hand there anymore, you interrupted the stroking and moved both of them to his hips, wandering up and down in an exploration of those gorgeous curves. You bobbed your head, carefully trying not to choke on his thick length, while his moans encouraged you to keep going. And if they weren't the perfect sign of how good you were doing, the feeling of his dick growing fully hard against your tongue definitely was. It praised you in an indescribable way, only making you more focused on pleasing him. The tip hit the back of your throat repeatedly, making you let out wet, struggling sounds while your hands squeezed his hips tighter. You still wanted more, though. You wanted to bury your nose in his pubes and feel him as deep as you could, already picturing the delicious sounds that would come out of the man underneath you. Suddenly, you felt a gentle hand in your hair; tattooed fingers burying between the strands in a warm caress, almost like he understood what you were trying to do.

"Baby~ You don't need to take all of it, you know?"

You furrowed your brows even further and made a stubborn noise of disagreement. Like most things, you knew you didn't need to, but you wanted to. Besides, it wasn't your first time sucking Joost's dick. You knew you could make it fit all the way in. You were just too impatient today, wanting to feel more of him right that second, without taking it slow. Alright, maybe he was right. Maybe you were needy.

You took a deep breath through your nose, slowing your movements so you could sink your mouth onto his cock in a controlled manner; watery, half-lidded eyes looking up at him for approval. He tried to keep watching, but your lips meeting the base of his dick made him throw his head back against the mattress with a broken moan.

"Fuck, babe, always so good for me~" His fingers twitched in your hair, trying not to force you down, but desperately needing you to move.

You nuzzled your face against his pelvis, closing your eyes as you tried to ease all of his length into your mouth. The feeling of your nose rubbing his pubes overwhelmed you in the best way possible and you could tell it also drove him wild.

After managing to move up and down again with less struggle, you glanced up, involuntarily moaning at the sight. Joost was back to watching you and he had the most pathetic, needy look on his face. Brows furrowed in pleasure while heavy eyes threatened to roll back, his plump lips parted and letting out tired whines between those shaky breaths.

"I'm close~" Joost sighed the words, completely in bliss.

You weren't cruel, but right now you had other plans for your poor boyfriend that didn't include letting him come down your throat. No matter how good he looked with that begging expression. Slowly, you pulled away, running your tongue across the underside in the process and watching the string of saliva connecting your lips to his cock break in what was a downright filthy sight. His half-lidded eyes quickly widened at your interruption, pretty mouth opening and closing without knowing what to say. You didn't need his words, though. You could read his thoughts perfectly in that moment.

"I know..." You took his dick in your hand, stroking it with a firm grip. "But you're not coming in my mouth this time."

Joost stared at you with his best puppy dog eyes, but you ignored it and pointed his hard length slightly up to his face while you kept jerking it off. It took his mushy brain a few seconds to understand what you were planning to do, but once he figured it out, he complained in a lazy voice.

"Careful not to get any cum on my shirt. I'm wearing it to the concert tonight, liefjeee!"

"It won't get on your shirt, don't worry."

"Babe. Then I'll have to change my whole outfit if it does."

You shook your head with a smile and lifted the fabric with your free hand, revealing his hairy chest.

"Better?"

"Mhm~" He hummed weakly, so close to his orgasm. "Y-You're gonna make me come on my tummy?"

"Yes, but don't you worry. I'll clean the mess, okay, angel?"

"Okay~" He parroted dumbly.

"You just worry about letting go all over yourself."

"Yes~" Another sweet, mindless answer. "Please?" He asked simply, but you knew exactly what he was referring to.

"Yes, you can come, baby."

His hips twitched involuntarily as you gave him permission, and in a matter of seconds, white ropes shot out of his cock, painting his tummy and a bit of his chest. Maybe it had been a good idea to get the shirt out of the way. His moans of pleasure filled the room, stealing your attention from the mess on his stomach and directing it to his pretty face. Blue eyes slowly opening while he recovered from the aftershocks, and disappearing once again as he gave you a tender smile. You retributed it with one of your own, leaning down to kiss his pink, inviting lips and calming his labored breathing with your mouth.

“Perfect…” You whispered after pulling away, admiring his features for a moment. Then, you switched to trailing kisses down his jaw until they reached his chest. “You’re literally the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.” Your tongue darted out to lick the drops of release that had missed his tummy. “The most beautiful person.” More kisses met his skin as you finally got to his belly, licking a long stripe there. After releasing your grip on his shirt - which stayed glued to his chest - you held his waist again, kneading it as you cleaned the mess on his stomach. “Can’t wait to see you on stage tonight. You’re gonna crush it, like you always do.”

“Thanks, babe.” He tried to suppress his giggles as your tongue tickled his skin. “I’m gonna make sure to move my hips just for you.”

“Mmm, in this outfit? Oh my, I’m drooling already.” You purposely let a string of saliva dribble from your mouth onto his sticky stomach. He laughed as you immediately lapped at it, amused by your silly antics.

“How are you even gonna hold it together during the show?”

“I won’t. That’s why I need my fix now.” You showered his belly with kisses. “… and after.” You alternated the gentle pecks with slow licks, giving it all the attention you could and moaning softly at the taste of his cum.

“You sound like an addict.” Joost chuckled.

“That’s because I am one. I’m completely addicted to you.” After a good cleaning of the sticky fluid, you moved to kiss the curve of his waist. “I still think your body is a blessing. Just look at you… Perfect from head to toe.” You mouthed at his skin before pulling away. “And all mine.”

it started with hushed voices; some distant, lighthearted giggling down a couple stories below on the street, just outside the living room window. heels scraping across cement, the jingling of keys as marleen held you up and lennie rifled through your bag, desperately trying to find your phone. joost could only hear it all because you’d actually already called him a while ago, just to then immediately forget that you did before he’d even picked up. with such an easy grin on his face, he listened to you ramble about something or other, your words too slurred to make out anything other than his name before another voice suddenly drowned you out.

“babe, it was in your fucking bra the whole time! i can’t-wait…joost? what?…hello?”

“hey lennie; you okay?”  

the penny finally dropped. you’d called him from outside the club, just wanting to tell him that you were safe and finally making your way back home when the uber had pulled up, and you’d tucked your phone into your bra for ‘safe keeping’.  you hadn’t even realised that it was still there until alanis eventually saw it peaking out the corner of your dress after several, rather long minutes of rummaging through everybody else’s bags instead.

“how are you…? you’re already there…uh, yeah, we’re just…we’re outside and we can’t-she needs carrying up, i think, and we…”

she wasn’t that far away from being just as drunk as you were, was she? joost could hear it in her voice; he had to bite back a small laugh.

“i’m on my way down.”

everything tilted on its axis as you pushed yourself away from marleen to stand on your own two feet then, making her wobble slightly because she wasn’t exactly that sober, either. 

you didn’t want joost to see you like this, this close to being absolutely fucking blackout. back when you’d first mentioned the idea of a ‘no boyfriends allowed’ night out with the girls, you’d even tried to promise that you wouldn’t, teasing him that you could handle your drink a lot better than him and his little red nose ever could. and for whatever reason, you can’t even remember anymore, it somehow became such a silly little competition between you that without a doubt, you were really fucking losing. you just didn’t think that he needed to know that just yet. 

you also really wanted him to touch you, and it was greedy of you to want that as painfully as you did. you’d spent most of the morning wrapped around him, biting down onto his shoulder, eagerly nodding your head yes every time that he asked you if he was making you feel good; if you were already close to cumming again. but god you just couldn’t help yourself, could you? even four years down the line, you’re both still so insatiably obsessed with each other. 

maybe if alanis had been lying before, and you weren’t in fact too drunk to even make it up a couple flights of stairs on your own, you would have gotten away with it. if you weren’t swaying on the spot with such tired eyes, your eyelids drooping as your bag threatened to slip off your shoulder and into the puddle beneath your feet. if you weren’t standing with your back to the door of your building, unaware that joost was now behind you still grinning, because you were too caught up trying to focus on your own breathing to have heard him chuckle at the sorry sight of all three of you, plastered.

“hey guys.”  

a shrill, drunken chorus of ‘hey joost!’’s only worsened the slight pounding behind your eyes as you jumped, rocking on your heels until you fell into his chest. large, warm palms gripped your hips; 1982 and 1983 on either side, giving you a squeeze and holding you steady. 

“ppft, they really weren’t kidding, huh?” 

there was nothing but a dazed, blank look in your eyes as you tilted your head up to gaze back at him, holding onto his arms for balance, but a sweet, sweet smile still pulling at your lips. you had no idea what he was talking about, you weren’t really listening; you were too distracted by the faint, honey-blond stubble that lightly dusted his jaw. you forgot that he still had that; it wasn’t helping the ache you felt between your legs. 

“hey baby.”

joost only chuckled again and held onto you a little tighter.  “hey liefje, you feeling okay?”

“mmhm, yeah, good, good…like i’m ready to go to bed now.”

you hoped that by leaning even further into him, fluttering your eyelashes and wrapping your arms around his neck, that he’d take the hint. that he’d throw you over his shoulder, take you to bed, and have you caged beneath him crying as he ruins you several times over. it was all that you had thought about back in the cab and so now that you were actually here with him — fuck, you didn’t care anymore if the girls could see just how desperate you really were for him. 

“let’s get you upstairs then, yeah?”

except even if joost had caught on, which he definitely hadn’t, he’d never want to touch you like this, would he? whilst you’re so far gone that the slurring of your words made you almost incomprehensible; the teetering on your louboutins so severe that you couldn’t help but rest your entire body weight against him. the only thing that he was planning on doing to you tonight was helping you to get into some pyjamas and under the fresh cotton of your duvet.

as you nodded your head, your eyes falling closed again and a too-large, too-soft yawn tearing through you, he cast his eyes back up for a moment. “what’re you guys doing? wanna come up as well?”

there was already a sofa, several blankets, and a couple old big t-shirts with their names on it if they did. and for the sake of his peace of mind, joost actually found himself hoping that they would, that he’d find himself with three drunk girls to take care of instead of just the one. because neither lennie or marleen seemed that much sober than you, both of them stumbling, almost tripping over their own feet as they squinted down at their phones and giggled between themselves. he’d rather deal with all the noise and mess of it then have to wait to find out if they ever made it back home safe.

“oh! no, we’re…uh, we’re fine, we’re waiting for appie to come get us. he’s uh…like two minutes away? i don’t know, i can’t really see right now.”  

joost shook his head, smiling —  giggling when lennie almost dropped her phone and fell into marleen trying to catch it. “alright, but if he’s not here in five, you come straight up, yeah? and text me when you’re home!”

he didn’t dare move until they both promised, waving their pinkie fingers in the air and singing their goodbyes as appie’s car finally appeared from around the corner. only then did he crouch down a little, curling an arm under both of your knees to scoop you up, making you shriek and grip onto his hoodie that much harder.

it was almost definitely a symptom of all the alcohol, but you really couldn’t remember him ever being this stupidly tall. suddenly being so high up off the ground as he only just about managed to kick the heavy doors to your building back open, slipping the both of you inside and taking each stair back up to your floor one at a time; you hated how it made your stomach turn. how your mouth slowly started to fill with a saliva that you just couldn’t swallow down. 

“you okay?”  joost had felt your breathing change; every fast exhale through your nose tickling the side of his neck.

“i’m really trying not to throw up right now.”

the silence that followed was only brief, broken by him muttering a quiet, only slightly-panicked “fuck.” underneath his breath as he then started to take the steps up two at a time. “going as fast as i can, liefje. if you could keep trying not to throw up on me, i’d really love you for that.”

“aren’t you supposed to love me anyway?”

trust you to still be so stubborn whilst this fucking hammered. 

“i will never ever not love you, moppie. i would just really prefer it if you didn’t throw up on me, okay?”

there was another short beat of silence. your breaths deepened; the steady rise and fall of your chest starting to slow as you really did try to push through the nausea that sat right in the back of your throat. the feeling of his hands squeezing, almost kneading the soft flesh of your thighs, the heat that you felt beneath his skin, the cold air that nipped at the very tip of your nose; you needed it all to be enough. a big enough, good enough distraction to keep your mind busy and away from the need that you felt to suddenly start gagging. 

“would you hate me if i did?”  you couldn’t help the way that your words still slurred all together. “like…would you…would you get really angry? like… ‘want to break up with me’ angry?” 

“what?”  and his light, almost out-of-breath laugh was more confused than anything. “when have i ever been that angry with you?”

“no but…i don’t know…it just sounds like you’d be really upset if i did.”

you just wanted him to be ready, prepared for the worst possible case scenario, because you were actually starting to sweat a little now, weren’t you? no amount of deep breathing or ‘mindfulness’ was shaking the feeling of the inevitable, and the last thing that you’d be able to handle right now is joost being angry at you too. he was right, he never really had been like that with you before, and you weren’t exactly eager to change that.

the few tears that ran down your cheeks were just mere consequences of you thinking about it more than you should have been. imagining the disgust on his face and in his voice as he’d drop you on the spot, wiping the vomit from his sleeves and yelling at you to go away and never come back. the sharp, harsh way that you sniffed and wiped your running nose on the back of your hand, it was just silly; you’d never be drunk enough to believe that he’d actually ever be like that. you just weren’t sober enough to not still cry over such a made-up hypothetical. 

you felt him kiss the roots of your hair, saw him start to shake his head from the corner of your eye. “could never hate you.” 

and he meant it. 

there was no life for him without you in it — vomit or not. 

“so you wouldn’t break up with me even if i was sick on you?”

“i’d honestly let you be sick on me everyday if it really made you that happy.”

it almost knocked the air out of your lungs, didn’t it? made your eyes widen and your bottom lip wobble just as your knees did, as joost carefully set you back down on your feet just outside your front door. and to his credit, you weren’t really thinking about gagging anymore, because how could you be? you were too busy thinking about the hands that still lingered on your waist, just in case. the sudden, terrified look in his eyes when you then burst into tears, sobbing into his chest.

“that’s so disgusting! i can’t believe you’d do that for me. i love you so much.” 

if joost didn’t just laugh, he’d probably start crying too. “i love you too.”

surprisingly, it wasn’t too hard to eventually waddle you inside. even though the temperature had dropped enough to make you shiver, a late night breeze bringing a layer of goosebumps to the surface of your cold skin, you showed no indication of letting go any time soon. with your face still smushed against him and your arms wrapped around his middle, joost had to guide you back, rocking you from side to side by the hold that he still had on you. for once, it was actually a good thing that he’d forgotten to lock the front door behind him on his way out earlier.

the warmth of your flat engulfed you, the tips of your fingers tingling as you hummed, nestling yourself further into his chest. the aching of your feet still clad in your favourite pair of heels wasn’t enough to stop you from yawning again, convinced that you honestly could fall asleep right here, standing in the middle of your hallway. 

he slung one of your arms around his shoulders — his way of keeping you balanced as he bent down to slip the red-bottom’s off your feet. 

“still need to be sick?”

you shook your head, unaware that he couldn’t quite see it. “i’ll be fine. just tired.”

joost still made the mental note to find you a bowl to keep by your side of the bed, just for the night. “go lay down for me, i’ll be there in a sec.”

it was putting an awful lot of faith in your ability to still walk, asking you to go off on your own whilst he disappeared inside of the bathroom. the walls swayed with every step, leaning in to listen to each one of your small squeals every time that you almost lost your balance and fell, coming far too close to knocking some of daan’s framed canvases from off their hooks. you managed to avoid it, somehow, though not without bumping into a couple doorframes instead.

and of course he could hear all the commotion from down the landing; the muffled bangs and crashes — the loud giggles every time that you managed to still trip over your own feet. it made him rush to get back to you, shaking his head, throwing your makeup wipes and hairbrush into the old mixing bowl underneath his arm before turning on his heel. there might’ve been no cracked picture-frames or fallen keepsakes on the floor like he thought there might be, but joost still found himself picking up random items of your clothing along his way, didn’t he? 

because you might’ve misunderstood him a little when he asked you to ‘go lay down for him’.  it didn’t matter how tired you were, you still wanted it, still tried to strip yourself down to nothing because you wanted to save him the time and trouble of doing it himself. you just couldn’t have anticipated just how soft your mattress felt beneath you as you finally collapsed down onto it face first. how it beckoned your eyelids to droop again even though your bra was still on and your skirt was all twisted up around your knees.

only another minute or two passed before you heard his footsteps; the quiet shuffling of joost moving around the room, too hesitant to make any noise just in case you really had succumbed to sleep already. he tossed your stockings and little corset top into the washing basket, left your face wipes and hairbrush on your bedside table and the sick bowl on the floor, closest to your head. he didn’t notice the cheeky, lopsided smile pulling at the corners of your lips at the touch of his fingers curling around the waistband of your skirt, gently tugging it down, over, and past your ankles. 

“been waiting for this all night.”  

he only hesitated for a moment. at first, he hadn’t quite heard what you’d said; your voice low and breathy, muffled by the blankets that you’d smothered yourself with. and then it clicked once he’d deciphered that you weren’t talking about the comfort of your bed, and he smiled, rolling his eyes in a way that wasn’t mocking. 

it was like trying to move dead weight as joost helped you to sit up, the palms of his hands then finding the warmth of your cheeks after brushing all the loose hair away from your eyes. even now, as you sat with slumped shoulders and smudged makeup on the edge of your bed, the bra strap of your matching set falling down your arm and your underwear somehow all tangled up, leaving nothing to the imagination — you were still so gorgeous to him. 

“tomorrow.”

you couldn’t hold back your groan; how you threw your head back and frowned. “but that’s ages away…why can’t we fuck now?”

“because you’re hammered, baby.”  still with a hand holding you up, he spoke in a laugh as he leaned over to grab your makeup wipes from off your bedside table. “tomorrow we can do it twice, okay? to make up for it.”

joost brought a wipe up to your face, whispering for you to close your eyes and giggling as you pouted. “promise?”