Gronda Gronda Y'all

“Perish the thought!” I said with a smile, taking in the sights anew. “It really is pretty out here, though. Some of these plants are fascinating. Look at the stripes on those! Like huge bamboo with tiny segments. And they’re flat on top! So weird.”

I pointed the tree things out as we passed, and to my surprise, Zhee flicked out a leg to kick one. The telephone-pole-sized column collapsed like a stack of dinner plates. Flat segments scattered beside the road.

“Wow!” I said, craning my neck. “That’s cool!”

“They’re seeds,” Zhee told me. “With some complicated name based on the spine of a local sea creature. If you’ve ever heard Mur talk about food with spine seeds in it, he probably meant those.”

“Neat.” They were out of sight now as we turned a corner, but plenty more waited up ahead, just out of kicking range. “Maybe we should grab a few on the way back. I wonder if they’re safe for human biology.”

“The odds are good,” said Zhee with the faint exasperation of someone dealing with a coworker whose species was famous for eating all sorts of things, even things they shouldn’t.

“Hope so. I wonder what it tastes like. Those would be great for picnics; you could eat all the food off them, then take a bite of the plate. Or just fling it into the bushes.”

“Don’t humans already have edible food containers? I could swear I saw an ad for them somewhere.”

“Yeah, probably,” I said. “Seems like something we’d do. Though it can’t beat Waterwill technology, with the shopping bags you can drink.”

Zhee grumbled about the unsanitary nature of drinking anything made from hard water, even once it had dissolved into regular liquid, and I privately congratulated myself on distracting him after all. He was still running plenty fast, just not complaining about it.

And we were almost there. Plant-covered sand dunes blocked the sea from view, but the sound of waves was loud and the smell of salt water strong. A sign at a fork in the path announced a bridge toward the town center, and a pathway towards the beach.

Zhee took us toward the bridge. “They really could have put the spaceport closer.”

“I’m sure they don’t want the more explosive ships close to town.”

“Those ones can use the far port. A close port for polite engines isn’t too much to ask.”

I smiled into the wind. “Just for us personally, right?”

“Of course. We deserve it after the annoying day we’ve been having.”

And because fate has a wicked sense of humor, that was when we rounded the last corner to get a look at the bridge, which had a brand new problem on it.

A very large, scaly problem, colored in speckled grays and smugness, looking entirely uninterested in moving out of the way. It reminded me of an animal cargo we’d had a while back, just much larger and unlikely to have any training. A wild alien seal the size of a single-person cruiser.

Zhee hissed and skidded to a stop while I gripped the straps holding the packages down. A cluster of Strongarms dithered at this end of the bridge, most carrying their own bags of belongings. They probably could have scooted through the water like the squid they resembled, but the bags didn’t look waterproof.

Zhee demanded, “How do we get it to move?”

A dark green Strongarm held up a phone of some sort. “I’ve already called the authorities. They’ll send someone as soon as they have a person available.”

Zhee hissed again, freeing his pinchers to click them in irritation. “That does not sound fast.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

Other Strongarms chimed in with what they knew of the creature, most of which wasn’t exactly helpful, though it boiled down to a recurring headache for the locals. This large beastie enjoyed sunbathing in civilized areas and generally getting in the way. There were rules against causing him harm.

“Why?” I asked. “Because he’ll attack back, or is this just a protected species of some sort?”

The second thing. Oh good. I really didn’t relish the idea of being in extreme danger as well as being late.

Zhee asked, “Are we allowed to annoy this creature?”

A small brown Strongarm laughed. “You’re welcome to try! His hearing is terrible, so he ignores loud noises.”

Zhee hissed again.

I looked at him. “Were you going to suggest I make some obnoxious animal call to drive him off?”

“Maybe. Sounds like it won’t work though.”

“What does?” I asked the Strongarms. “What are the authorities going to do?”

They had a few different answers for that, and none agreed. Sounded like there wasn’t a perfect system for this. At that point, I was expecting the authorities to show up with brooms and do their best to pester him back into the water.

“Definitely don’t get too close,” one Strongarm said. “He doesn’t chase anyone, but he’ll snap at you given a chance. Can lunge quite a distance.”

Zhee flung his pinchers in the air, clearly robbed of another option. “What about threat displays?” he demanded. “Can this creature be intimidated?”

The brown Strongarm gave him a brazen once-over, in all his insectile predatory glory. “Not by you, sorry to say.”

Zhee hissed some more and folded his pinchers. “It’s a pity ships aren’t allowed this close to town. I’m sure we could manage some proper intimidation from above.”

I had my doubts about that, if this behemoth was as stubborn as they said. But in looking around for other ideas, my eyes caught on a nearby stand of those tall plants. The things that broke into round, flat, plate-sized discs that even had a raised edge on one size.

Frisbees.

“Zhee!” I said with a grin. “Help me gather some of these!” I didn’t wait for him, scrambling off the sled and across grassy sand to deliver a roundhouse kick to a seed tower. I jumped aside as it fell, belatedly glad that I’d hit the side of it, so none fell back toward the path.

“Why?” Zhee asked.

“Gonna throw ‘em!” I piled a stack of discs into my arms. “I won’t hurt him; it’ll just be annoying.”

Zhee tilted his head to gauge the distance. “I know we joke about human throwing prowess, but that’s a bit of a distance. And the water is off to the sides, so you can’t do that trick you did with the flat rocks.”

“No need!” I assured him. “Different trick. These are a little heavy, but they ought to work like something from home. Sport game thing.”

“You sure have a lot of those,” he said as I stepped past him.

“Fun is fun; what can I say?”

Zhee just flicked his antennae and grabbed a few more discs in his pinchers, then left the hoversled where it was and followed me past the Strongarms.

They were curious. They were politely skeptical that I could get a seed all the way to the middle of the bridge just by throwing. But they stood aside and wished me luck. I said thanks.

Then I scoped out the scene and got into position. The bridge was low, a sturdy stonework affair at the same level as the road with only a slight lip at the edge. Easy for a big heavy beastie to clamber up onto. Hopefully just as easy to leave. The water looked deep enough to splash into.

Zhee set down his discs and moved back. I hefted one; a little heavier than the plastic kind I was used to, but close enough. The scaly gray seal-beastie was looking away, but at an angle that suggested he was keeping an eye on the tiny creatures who might possibly present a problem.

Time to be a problem, I thought, then I flung the seed disc as hard as I could.

The weight brought it down early, but even so, it sailed a fair distance and skidded across the ground to smack into the animal’s side.

He jumped, levering himself up onto his flippers for a better view at the thing that had just interrupted his lounging. While he was sniffing it and the Strongarms behind me were exclaiming in excitement, I threw another one that scuffed across the pavement to hit his flipper.

Again he was surprised. This time he looked up to see where the things had come from, and I threw two more. He bellowed a lung-shaking honk of aggravation. I took a deep breath and did a weak human imitation, which lacked impact but still got the message across. Then I threw more seed discs. That was more effective.

He honked some more and made a couple of lunges toward the seeds at his feet, but as they kept coming, he gave ground before giving up abruptly and galumphing over the edge into the water with an almighty splash.

The Strongarms cheered.

Zhee was already walking back to the hoversled, having an imaginary conversation. “‘How did the delivery go?’ ‘Oh fine, there was native fauna blocking our path, but the human threw food at it from an exceptional distance, and that solved the problem.’ ‘Normal day, then.’ ‘Yes, except we’re late.’”

I shook my head, smiling, and grabbed the rest of the stack before darting past the Strongarms (accepting their thanks), and getting back into place on the sled. I held the seeds in my lap.

I said, “Don’t forget I made noises at it too.”

“I’m not going to forget that in a hurry. At least now we have two excuses for being late. Here’s hoping the client is understanding.” He took off and got up to speed on the bridge.

I waved at the Strongarms who had stood aside to let us go first. “If not, maybe they’ll want some tasty spine seeds as a gift. Or a story about clearing the bridge by being annoying.”

“A particularly human talent, that.”

“Thanks!”

~~~

Good news! Volume One of the collected series is now available in paperback and ebook form! (Check your local store, or this handy link hub.)

~~~

These are the ongoing backstory adventures of the main character from this book.

Shared early on Patreon! There’s even a free tier to get them on the same day as the rest of the world.