Spoiler alert; she does heal.

It started slowly. And to be honest, I didn’t even know it was happening. All I knew was that I went to therapy every week, felt awful and cried, and still somehow went back. This was for years. I didn’t know that was healing. I didn’t know moving out was healing. I didn’t know taking baths was healing. I didn’t know I would never forget to unplug the curling iron. I didn’t know that the opposite side of the shower curtain was safe. I didn’t know that there werent any monsters in the closet.

They never were.

I had already known them. The real monsters slept in their beds at night, got up in the morning, did their job, watered their plants, paid their bills, and ate leftover pad Thai. The monsters just got good at playing human. I should know. I was one of them.

Consumed with my own self loathing, I made everything about myself. If I was miserable then everyone else had to be. If I was suicidal, everyone had to drop everything to care. If I hurt myself, why didn’t someone stop me. All delusions from a clear mind. Its funny how someone so self obsessed can be the most self critical. Or maybe it makes perfect sense. I don’t know. I’d like to say Im not that girl anymore but she still lives inside of me, whining every time I get rejected or stomping her feet when I make her drink a glass of water.

Almost 5 years later and I’m still on the same medications. But so much has changed. I live with my sister. I’m fully immersed in the hobbies I never got to do. I have a beautiful, wonderful cat. I took some time off from school. However, some things remained; my job, my hopeless romantic tendencies, my writing, all the necessary things of course.

Right now Im still figuring some things out. How to pay taxes, how to be a healthy partner, how to treat others the way I want to be treated, how to spell restaurant without using autocorrect, etc.

Now I know that healing is possible. But I don’t think “fully” healing is ever possible. There will always be that voice in the back of your mind. You just have to learn the right tricks to override it. What I want to know about future me is; will love ever stay? Does it fade? And why am I so obsessed with it?