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The greatest thing about dominance and submission is how it brings closeness to your sex life, and makes the physical, psychological, and emotional aspects of sex much more intense for both of you. (Incidentally, physical, psychological, and emotional connections are the three staples of well-rounded love).

(1) Physically, by keeping him in chastity, teasing him, or making him edge for hours before you let him cum, you make his orgasms more pleasurable and intense in ways that you just cannot attain with vanilla sex.

(2) Psychologically, by teasing him with your words, by making him watch porn while he’s locked, whispering dirty things to him, keeping him handcuffed so he can’t touch you while you strip, or later begging him to cum for you, you engage him mentally and make love to his mind. Without a psychological dimension to sex there’s almost no difference between making love and masturbating alone.

(3) Emotionally, dominance and submission in a loving relationship requires and indicates a huge amount of trust and respect; much more than vanilla sex does–you can have plain sex with literally anyone, but dominance and submission takes actual closeness. Moreover, it lets you experience more intense emotions (like earth-shattering lust, desperation, frustration, and submission) in a safe space. Experimenting with ruined orgasms or having him wait for permission to cum or masturbate requires a lot of trust and open emotional commitment. His letting you put a lock on his cock represents an INCREDIBLE amount of trust. Making him hump a pillow for you and teasing him for being such a naughty boy might make him feel a bit silly, but if you are doing it right and he knows that you’re not really degrading him, it will be exhilarating for him. (In the same way, when my bf is in the dominant position and he spanks me, I can enjoy feeling submissive because I KNOW his intention isn’t to actually hurt or humiliate me).

The emotional and trust dimension seems to be the one that most apprehensive couples (or individuals) struggle with, which is something that I don’t understand. Do you really think that your partner wants to be cruel to you? Do you think that they secretly disrespect you? Do you think that they don’t enjoy making you cum? If you really do think any of these things, then you should ask yourself why you think that, and possibly re-evaluate your relationship. And in the very likely case that your partner really does love and respect you, then you can enjoy dominance and submission. Connect physically, psychologically, and emotionally. Tease his body and his mind while he’s safe at heart, and enjoy it when he does the same to you. Edge him, make him wait, make him desperate to cum, and then make him explode just for you. Or submit to him, realize how horny you can possibly be, and beg for him to cum on your face. You are safe, loved, and free to release your inner slut–the perfect combination. And you provide that same safety to him.