Cryptic Authour Writes

Currently away from home on a general life break/writing retreat. The greatest struggle is just time zone difference. Writing sleepy is one thing, but when your body thinks it's midnight while the sun is up is a level of hind-brain confusion that tends to muddle creative efforts.

I think I'll work on ABWB. It's a nice, sweet story. Even in my fan works, the caramel bites that people can easily pick up, be delighted by, and maybe think about again one day have garnered the best success. That and as it is a pro-trans love story during June and times where us under the LGBTQIA+ label find our rights further under attack-

-well comfort story may be needed.

Existing in happiness as a radical statement.

Tragically when I set up at the desk by my hotel bed, I found that my Scrivener doesn't have my most recent or any of my notes on this project. And CryptDrive has a few copy and pasted scenes, but nothing like my research on the trans men I was using as inspiration for the main love interest.

I'm still going to write. I'm far enough along in my writing journey to only momentarily get stalled in that. There's not even a first draft, name details can be put back in as easily as ctrl+f these days.

Started warm up by writing down all the characters I'm aware of. I also have the current list of events down.

Still debating on ending. I'd prefer a happy one, but it needs to be earned and the audience rooting for that catharsis.

Eh first draft first. First draft first.

Wish me luck!

On a personal note and respect to all parties, Illustrator and I have started couples therapy as friends. We've had such a long history and cycles of communication breakdown that I hope a professional can help us. I especially hope that I stop hurting them.

On a personal note as well, I also opened up that the only circumstance, that I think could ever happen between the two of us in terms of returning to being project partners in any capacity-

-is if there is a third party helping us navigate.

Just a producer of some kind to keep us both in check. Illustrator on keeping up with deadlines for perfectionism/ADHD and me with my anxiety with strong need for immediate feedback. (I definitely have worst flaws, but that's what's coming to mind at the moment)

In terms of projects, I am enjoying my year of Cringe.

Honestly I could stand to be embracing it more. I've worked with at least one other artist and am trying to reach out to another for a fun fanfic thing. I'm writing semi-regularly with only personal fatigue due to chronic health being what stops me.

Have started writing WHN again.

Current new prologue:

"Where the dragon’s body and blood struck the earth, scales formed. 

The air still broiled and the magma around it had yet to cool. Queen sucked in ragged, ash-poisoned breaths. Sweat turning to steam on her body. Her arms as much deadweight as the sword cleaved into the ground. 

Winning had seemed like an impossibility even when it was decaying before her eyes. She blamed what was left of her helmet. She blamed the part that was torn clean off by a swipe of the dragon’s talons. The gash in her side, the bloodloss, her knees hitting dirt. Still it all was impossible to her mind. Her eyes betraying her. 

She played it back to herself. The campaign that lead them there. Knowledge gathering, skill sharpening, and one last feast the night before. Her husband’s hands in hers as they made sure that no matter what - they would go out with a belly filled with warm food. Now what remained of the duck and rabbit stew in her gut was lead."

Which I think is fun. Showing the stakes of what the main protagonist Gwen's predecessor dealt with. And last night I even made a note on how it could thread that into the flashback start of chapter one.

Looking over my notes has been one of the greatest sources of inspirations for getting me back into writing. How creative and passionate I have been. How I want to be that kind of writer always.

Also adding Ursula K LeGuin to my regular reading helps. Ocean Vuong for emotions and lyrical genius to the prose. Terry Pratchett for innovation in both twist on familiar fantasy themes and structure of prose. Basically expanding my diet of what I take in.

Started this entry with shame honestly. My actions as a friend (or rather my failure and hurt therein). My non-perfectly consistent schedule to writing. My barren results of what I have eked out.

Though I know next week will be very demanding at work, I can always try while being patient with myself. How did someone put it? Don't be too hard or easy on yourself. Be medium!

At least compared to other projects. WHN came with a cast. HSP is more like TellTale's The Walking Dead (Season One at least) where each character basically represents a philosophy in regards to an apocalyptic scenario. And so on.

WSOL (need a better acronym) is ... well there's the main character, but the rest are conceptual. Even the main character's lover.

I'm trying to figure out a cast that are small town values while also subversions. Basically the dream version of this will read like it was written with the spirit of Rian Johnson.

If I had to pick one hope for the new year in terms of writing (and maybe if I'm feeling fanciful: all my healthy habits) is to be consistent. Actually carve out at least a dedicated hour a day at minimum. Each day. Every day of the week.

The Illustrator and I have spoken since my last journal entry, but no change. At most the Illustrator admitted that leaving WHN breaks their heart.

So WHN is still on hiatus. I have no idea what to do with it. I'm partial to not giving it up. Full creative control was just dropped into my lap. Coupled with there are ideas, imagery, and themes that I truly believe in. Several times I'll see literary or artistic analysis and think "I want to throw my hat into that ring with What Happens Next".

The other hand is this has been such a long, long project that I'm weary of it. There's emotional problems that I can't simply sweep under the rug for every word put down feels like I'm a thief.

Each day I'm possessed with the want to write and more critically, complete works. Yet that has yet to manifest no matter how many self-imposed deadlines fly past.

This whole month has been a blur honestly.

Oddly enough Where She Once Lived (WSOL? Need a short hand for that working title...) is going oddly well.

Most likely because it's at the fun conceptual stage. The thing I'm hoping stands out about the work is the purple, poetic prose and emotional poignancy.

Still haven't sat down really and planned out what I want to write and when in 2026.

Like saying "Year of Cringe" is one thing, but what does it actually mean?!

I truly have fallen into the standard work-media consumption-sleep-repeat pipeline. Which means I might actually have to force schedule in things that I want to happen then enforce that.

How does one find the spontaneity of life while also keeping a structure forced by society?

We're almost there we got this!

I write with... mixed emotions. These journals for me and I'm certain no one else reads these. Yet they are available for anyone to keep up with. Part of me feels like I'm making a press statement.

Last Monday I let the Illustrator know about some personal matters. After that we spoke Thursday where I did something out of character-

-I was bluntly honest.

Not my strong suit in the slightest. Preferring instead to dodge and weave and elude rather than hold the line.

We didn't speak for long. Less than an hour. I made a friend cry.

Later when they said, "I've calmed down. I think the obvious answer for creative endeavors is that you should go on without me. It's clear that I can't dedicate enough time to it. I'm still happy to talk and bounce ideas around, but my visuals are no longer necessary."

Illustrator: "It's been true for some time, I just wouldn't admit it. I'm happy to support where I can."

I... read all of this with mixed emotions. Elation certainly. A freedom so heady that I felt a long-standing migraine clear.

The other was shame. So I offered, "As kind as that is to offer, are you sure? WHN could go on hiatus till life is more settled post-doctorate. Also it feels like I'd be taking a major source of joy from you."

Still remembering when I suggested the Pokemon comic be aged up. Then when I suggested it become a novel instead.

Now this.

Not my suggestion, but I can't deny that I feel the blood (metaphorical though it is) stains my hands.

Where do I go from here? Do I continue WHN? Do I wait? Do I offer the whole of the intellectual rights to the Illustrator who may want to do something with it another day? Why did I finally turn to the drug of honesty when for years I was able to sustain myself upon the clemency of hidden frustration? Why did I finally kneel?

Other works are going fine. My main complaint is I'm going so slowly. I wish the last few weeks were truly mine to do with as I pleased. To sit and ponder or sketch or mock-up and such.

What do I want to do with my 2026?

My time is precious. I want to honour that.

I believe in the project. It's fine. The development as never been more streamlined hand ontrack. Certainly the sunk cost fallacy is hilariously deep. So on and so on. From characters to world ideas.

But also I can cannibalise what I need to and move on.

Or hand over intellectual rights to the Illustrator and move on.

Which leads me into why I'm so emotionally charged at the moment. In all honesty of keeping a tumblr at all (over ... like 16 years at this point) I've referred to The Illustrator, but never confessed that...

Well, for me at least, they're not a very good project partner.

And after so long, I can say in learned shame that I'm growing resentful and tired. We're touching base soon so I'm planning to suggest a paradigm shift or cutting the rope.

In positive (and bittersweet), when I'm not working on WHN my mood improves as does my overall mental health. I'm overflowing with mental energy and ideas. Suddenly this becomes easier!

Still haven't decided the tentative writing schedule for next year though.

I had made serious plans for 2025. Trading on and off of what each month would be. January would be an original work then flip over to fanfiction in February. Maximising what I get done. Progressing my writing career as well as my hobby.

That ... didn't really work.

It didn't really not work either.

But it wasn't a result of satisfaction. And if this is going to be a hobby while I survive turbulent times in the modern apocalypse. My mind is not the kind that can just jump shifts from creative endeavour to creative endeavour. Most people don't operate like that I'd imagine.

So while my intentions were ambitious and the works I selected for each month were fine - often times I found myself just sawing through something while something else demanded my attention because it was holding my creative spark.

Some degree of writing will always be a pain. A slog that I just have to get through, but that doesn't mean I can't try and find joy where I can.

Also going to change up communication with the Illustrator. They're a very busy person in general as well as having to juggle mental health. A flaw of mine is if I put in a large amount of effort in something then I want/expect a project partner to do the exact same. Which isn't realistic. Different people put in different things depending on where the project is or what's going on in their lives.

Basically WHN is going to much less of a focal point for myself. I'll give it attention before and after meeting with the Illustrator, but probably not much on my own.

More to think about, but I think I'll end it here for now.

And it's when we're not meeting that my mind turns and doesn't shut up. I have several questions and answers and then they become questions again in my brain. Essentially the ending has always been the same. And we now have up to... I'd say 70% or more plotted out from beginning to the encounter in King Arthur's Tomb. The final encounter with the Fae will most likely be around 5-10%, which leaves about a 20% of wiggle room that I'd like to use to build up to the big finale. 

I made some notes last night in a fuzzy state, but let's review them. 

"In the time and space is weird idea for WHN, who would be best to show up for Maris? I think Gwen's parents but younger is best for her. Rowen is also a debate for me, but Maris feels like the tip of my tongue. Is it also her parents but younger? Herself but younger? Is she the only one who is alone and she has to grapple with that? Is it Emily Snow? Some memory of her alive in this fae wild space where magic has murdered reality?"

That's a really good start from the above, but I think since then I've thought about how maybe we could also do time forward? The inheritor of Excalibur or someone else. 

Next: "Thinking maybe having the ruins of Camelot filled with bipedal fae who like to essentially do make believe and role play as people. So there's volunteers to get in graves even though they won't die and take turns on birthdays. Human stuff but uncanny as they don't quite understand why people do the rituals that they do." 

That's really fun to me. It also has evolved from last night. Like the idea is there was a great calamity, let's go with flood, that so changed the world that essentially the island of Britain has been cut off for hundreds of years. Who were the people who got trapped then? Say you're a tourist from a completely different culture? How did that affect people and their life styles? Was hegemony forced or did natural mutations occur? Do I even have the ability to be capable of that? What kind of perspective am I trying to convey? Are there Arthurian characters who best represent that? 

Still trying to figure out Modred's arc and when Morgen returns.

Off WHN, I've discovered with the state of the world, I don't have it within me to write dark things.

When I escape into writing my work, I find that I don't want a dark reflection of a lot of what's happening in the news, I do genuinely want to explore softer emotions that survive harsher climates. I want to think I'm putting a rest spot for myself and others when I do. 

Did work on "Like and SubBite" which as I go on makes me realise how dark a short story where a livestreamer gets bit by a zombie and decides to run a character stream while she turns...

... I can be a touch slow! 

I think on top of thinking about the last part of the book in general, I'd like to do a character deep dive on Arthurian figures like we have. Decide how I want to personify them. Plus research, I find, can be a rather fun puzzle. 

On the OFMD fic... I've yet to figure out the through-line with the mom being a dragon and I feel that as a personal failure. Will not give up though! 

Mainly it's fanfiction. The fact there's a timer ticking down as the health points of whatever fictional beast they have me typing to "defeat" doesn't leave much for original works at the moment. We'll see if that's forced to change next month when the Fic of the Month challenge swaps back.

Before I get too excited and just talk about that, what I have accomplished isn't bad. I'm working on "Our Flag Means Death" where Stede is a dragon. Even rewatching to try and remember everything. The idea came about sometime... around the end of season 1. Now it's trying to decide what major tension for the oneshot that I want. I have Stede's mother as a dragon! That can lead to a number of things!

Almost done with another fic under a different pen name. It's one where the fandom is actually active in communicating with fic authors... which I've never had before.... kind of terrifies me. 

I should use it as practice though to not internalise every bit of negative criticism. Plus it will be another feather in my cap of completing something. 

In WHN news, my goal this week is two-fold 1. Read over draft 2 and decide what I'd like to keep (can be cool or meaningful or just gut instinct that I'm supposed to keep it) 2. Decide how I want the Arthurian characters to be used in the story. King Arthur is easy for me, but there's still a few sticking points on if I have the others figured out. 

Am still liking the outline development for draft 3 so far which is a positive. My hope is to have the outline done by end of month, maybe into October, then essentially bum rush draft 3 into existence. Then clean up till it's readable to others and find/then pay an editor till it's polished enough/we're sick of it so try and pitch it to publishers.

Now onto my excitement of next months. It's the historical trans romance story I came up with around this time a year ago. It's very simple compared to WHN and I think having something just earnest will be nice 

HSP doesn't have huge numbers to show for it, but right now it's the fun idea phase. I just get to day dream, do research, and splash paint across the canvas. Excited to come back to it when I can/

For WHN I'm doing anchor points. As I put it to the Illustrator: "

I'm going to write out to the best of my ability a rough draft version of that anchor point. To say, "here it is. This is what we're doing." And I don't expect that rough draft to be what we send to prospective publishers, but it does make the version we agree upon exist. With only three changes that can be made

Addition/Polish - the scene reads a little short/needs more detail for clarity or foreshadowing/or just isn't a version that we can live with but don't obsess over,

Cutting - the scene just isn't working or another scene does its job better or it's the sacrifice to the wordcount ceiling,

This final one I feel should be used very, very rarely as it opens up to too many artist loopholes (if that makes sense)

Fusion - where two scenes can be brought together to be a stronger scene

hoping this speeds up stuff production wise"

because if I'm not seeing enough progress to present to an editor by end of the year, I will shelve this work.

September's Fic of the Month is going to be a Our Flag Means Death one that should be a lot of wacky fun. Wonder how many chapters. Could be just a long one-shot that jumps around from scene to scene. Just get the general cute idea across and be happy with that.

Also trying to finish another fic that's been at 3/4 chapter wise for too long. Another birthday present for myself.

It's been good lately.

I'm happy and excited.

Trying to even the month of July. Some more developments at work, but that's just a daily thing. The Fic of the Month was supposed to be an old Hades idea, but I found I didn't have the passion for it.

This month is working on the original work I hope to be my next book project HSP.

One because it's a project I'm genuinely interested in. Two because it feels very relevant (maybe even a little heavy handed on the world right now). Three because when I pitch various projects to work on this is the project everyone picks (in strong part because of the title).

Yet somehow we're halfway through the month and not much progress has even happened.

I respect that personal life comes first from a hobby. On the other hand,

It's a tightrope.

One WHN, I've identified a metaphor that helps verbalise my frustrations with that.

So forever ago now, the Illustrator and I were working on a massive canvas with oil paints. The key feature being less the medium and more the Illustrator was the one at the brush and our goals were quite lofty. Bordering on unachievable.

Now instead we've moved onto a mixed-media style cross stitch hoop with me at the needle and hopes to have it be accepted to a local fair.

But we have over a decade of material we find ourselves still trying to squeeze onto the hoop and more so...

... we have a problem where

Me: working on the pattern and looking over what we have already stitch

Illustrator: runs in with excitement "You know how we have blue thread/paint/similar to evoke an ocean in our piece?"

Me: "Yeah, and we already have blue/green/so on we've already collected over the years so we're good. Plus we already have where that will be mapped out."

Illustrator: "Yeah, but I found this blue thread that's been intertwined with tinsel! That way it will evoke light refracting off seafoam and water! Oh and we'll need to put the ocean in a different spot to make sure that is perfect!"

Usually at that point we begin to unravel what work we already had and this cycle will inevitably repeat.

I want stuff on the hoop. If this is a puzzle piece we're putting together then I want corners to work off of.

That or I want to call off the project.

Which is a very very tempting thing to do.

Big personal goal is to finish one of my fics and upload another chapter to a separate fic. Plus an outline for HSP. Topping it off would be the WHN draft 3 hardpoints.

Wish me luck in the personal life too. Good luck would be nice.

Most typically my writing is like a terrarium in a bowl. It develops and fills until I take it and tip it over. Then it needs time to refill and develop again. But now it's more like as I'm unwedging one small facet, more pour free. Even things completely unrelated. Plus the notes app and random scraps of paper or my sheer determination to try and crowbar in to my current works.

Actually an idea for a Writing Thoughts I've had is how I've seen the development of different drafts of WHN.

It's basically been a microscope. How each draft increases in precision and the vision clears up.

Final point on my mind is I finding out why, for me personally, the middle slump exists. Simply put, again just for me, is the effort. A brand new WIP is inspiration and unfettered joy. I can throw paint willy nilly or strike lines across the canvas as the vibe feels right. But the more gets invested, the more small changes need to be addressed on their ripple effects.

Just today a different direction for a scene in WHN came up, but immediately I froze because... well where does this lead? And so on.

Basically the things that needs to get done

do information layout per chapter

character profiles for design docs

illustrator concept art for design docs

terms coined in an reference index

And I have started to work on all those things and the Illustrator is making good progress on concept stuff, but it's still not ready. I'm not even to plotting out 50k worth of information - the supposed midpoint of the book.

Today I wanted to finish up chapters 7,8,9 or past the 30.5k~17k to the midpoint. In more exact terms:

chapter 7 - 27.5k ~ 12k

chapter 8 - 24.5k ~ 7k

chapter 9 - 21.5k ~ 2k

Which... if I do truly end up writing the latter number of 5k per chapter then by chapter ten we're already at 50k which is supposed to be big reveal turning point.

To be fair it doesn't need to be at 50k words exactly. It's more that I'm aware a first time debut novel is against all the odds. Especially with how competitive the publishing market is. One thing I hear regularly from people who publish is anything over 100k is put under greater scrutiny. Much less anything over 120k. So I want to make WHN as tight as possible to maximize that probably limited wordcount.

Another point of struggle is the solution to the book's thematic problem is community.

Which requires... some more thought I suppose. Effort if I'm being cynical. Because I could introduce hundreds of new OCs. Just dozens of characters per line, but that won't really mean much if they don't have substance.

So it's not a quantity of characters, but the quality. How do I integrate more characters into the trio's journey so there's a sense of community? As well as the integration of the Arthurian cast...?

Honestly in a perfect world I would do even more research into Arthurian canon (the jumbled mess that it is) to decide on other little details and how I want to characterise these legendary figures. Like they're free for use, but I want them to feel right and grounded in a sense that's... that can connect to others.

Meeting with Illustrator later to decide the plan for July. Here's hoping things pick up more than June

So goals for this week were renaming Karri Grey, giving Maris Black a new last name, starting to do chapter breakdown with a focus on when readers learn what information, and character profiles.

Illustrator is busy with real life stuff until July so that comes first.

Good news is: - Karri Grey is new Rowen Arvel - Maris Black is now Maris Starling - Prologue, chapters one through three are set up for draft three

Was working on the character profiles, but the OC template didn't save properly. So will need to redo those. Plus finishing the rest of the chapters for draft 3 which I was hoping to start in July.

Summer is terrible on my focus. What was supposed to be a warm up fic was me updating a chapter of one of my fics and making notes for other fics that I want updated or posted.

I do have to acknowledge progress has happened. Even if I'm still my own worst critic.

So this upcoming week I'll try to get greater chunks of the goals done.

The month off was needed. Got less done than I wanted or thought I would. Which is typical.

Read plenty of Urusla K. Le Guin and absorbed as much art as possible. Finally saw Sinners which was incredible. Also checked out how other people did Arthurian characterisation like "Guinevere Deception" by Kiersten White

Now almost half-way through the month, I'm hoping that I'll have all the necessary ducks in order to get started with draft 3 in July.

Already met up with the Illustrator. We both agree with my gut instinct that this will be the last Major Rewrite version from the ground up.

Things to get done before July- - answer questions I wrote during hiatus - have confirmed character details (blurbs and vital details) - have confirmed reference sketches - world terms and definitions - how information is distributed through draft 3

so far the first one has been done. Illustrator and I are touching base once a week. Right now I'm trying to finish character blurbs and the Illustrator is doing monster reference sheets.

With the 15th around the corner I want to start ironing out the info distribution cause I feel that might be the biggest headache. Wish I had a giant board where I could lay out post cards and separate them out using conspiracy string.

Concern for me is we haven't restarted, but I'm already struggling with motivation.

Not in a "I want to put the project down". I do want that. I want to write other books. It's more "should" statements that appear in cognitive-behavioural therapy. I keep tying up my own energy in what I "should" be doing.

I should be working on WHN. That's the main project. I should be updating the two fics I through up on AO3 during the hiatus. I should be making time on the other books I want to be working on. I should be working on the short story for Pride.

And in those SHOULDS doubt seeps in.

Doubt that shackles my hand entirely. Each word out is less a flow and more a painful carve into a stubborn rock.

While I keep making my efforts forward, I'm hoping to find that thing that inspires me past this fog. Put away the shoulds and such.