#cryptic journal

Didn't actually write on my time away. Years ago my brother told me a story about how Stephen King had the top floor of his home made into his office with this clear glass to see around the wonders of nature.

Supposedly he locked himself in his laundry room to actually focus on writing.

Never related to it before now. How could a place be so awe-inspiring that it strips me of the ability to produce words??

And yet-

With that finally happening I got to experience such a calm that I now long for yet when I was in the thick of it couldn't image it being my day to day life. Then again I'm still discovering what I want to be. That'll probably be my whole life doing that.

For WHN, the Illustrator made a suggestion of giving a character the Loch Ness Monster as kind of beast summon - which my gut disagreed with. But it did spur me on with a different suggestion! Or different ways the world can just be a bit more magical.

And when on project is doing well, that tends to spill over into others. Do have to smother that voice that points out similarities that also spills over into other projects making me feel unimaginative.

Now to... actually write.

Currently away from home on a general life break/writing retreat. The greatest struggle is just time zone difference. Writing sleepy is one thing, but when your body thinks it's midnight while the sun is up is a level of hind-brain confusion that tends to muddle creative efforts.

I think I'll work on ABWB. It's a nice, sweet story. Even in my fan works, the caramel bites that people can easily pick up, be delighted by, and maybe think about again one day have garnered the best success. That and as it is a pro-trans love story during June and times where us under the LGBTQIA+ label find our rights further under attack-

-well comfort story may be needed.

Existing in happiness as a radical statement.

Tragically when I set up at the desk by my hotel bed, I found that my Scrivener doesn't have my most recent or any of my notes on this project. And CryptDrive has a few copy and pasted scenes, but nothing like my research on the trans men I was using as inspiration for the main love interest.

I'm still going to write. I'm far enough along in my writing journey to only momentarily get stalled in that. There's not even a first draft, name details can be put back in as easily as ctrl+f these days.

Started warm up by writing down all the characters I'm aware of. I also have the current list of events down.

Still debating on ending. I'd prefer a happy one, but it needs to be earned and the audience rooting for that catharsis.

Eh first draft first. First draft first.

Wish me luck!

On a personal note and respect to all parties, Illustrator and I have started couples therapy as friends. We've had such a long history and cycles of communication breakdown that I hope a professional can help us. I especially hope that I stop hurting them.

On a personal note as well, I also opened up that the only circumstance, that I think could ever happen between the two of us in terms of returning to being project partners in any capacity-

-is if there is a third party helping us navigate.

Just a producer of some kind to keep us both in check. Illustrator on keeping up with deadlines for perfectionism/ADHD and me with my anxiety with strong need for immediate feedback. (I definitely have worst flaws, but that's what's coming to mind at the moment)

In terms of projects, I am enjoying my year of Cringe.

Honestly I could stand to be embracing it more. I've worked with at least one other artist and am trying to reach out to another for a fun fanfic thing. I'm writing semi-regularly with only personal fatigue due to chronic health being what stops me.

Have started writing WHN again.

Current new prologue:

"Where the dragon’s body and blood struck the earth, scales formed. 

The air still broiled and the magma around it had yet to cool. Queen sucked in ragged, ash-poisoned breaths. Sweat turning to steam on her body. Her arms as much deadweight as the sword cleaved into the ground. 

Winning had seemed like an impossibility even when it was decaying before her eyes. She blamed what was left of her helmet. She blamed the part that was torn clean off by a swipe of the dragon’s talons. The gash in her side, the bloodloss, her knees hitting dirt. Still it all was impossible to her mind. Her eyes betraying her. 

She played it back to herself. The campaign that lead them there. Knowledge gathering, skill sharpening, and one last feast the night before. Her husband’s hands in hers as they made sure that no matter what - they would go out with a belly filled with warm food. Now what remained of the duck and rabbit stew in her gut was lead."

Which I think is fun. Showing the stakes of what the main protagonist Gwen's predecessor dealt with. And last night I even made a note on how it could thread that into the flashback start of chapter one.

Looking over my notes has been one of the greatest sources of inspirations for getting me back into writing. How creative and passionate I have been. How I want to be that kind of writer always.

Also adding Ursula K LeGuin to my regular reading helps. Ocean Vuong for emotions and lyrical genius to the prose. Terry Pratchett for innovation in both twist on familiar fantasy themes and structure of prose. Basically expanding my diet of what I take in.

Started this entry with shame honestly. My actions as a friend (or rather my failure and hurt therein). My non-perfectly consistent schedule to writing. My barren results of what I have eked out.

Though I know next week will be very demanding at work, I can always try while being patient with myself. How did someone put it? Don't be too hard or easy on yourself. Be medium!

At least compared to other projects. WHN came with a cast. HSP is more like TellTale's The Walking Dead (Season One at least) where each character basically represents a philosophy in regards to an apocalyptic scenario. And so on.

WSOL (need a better acronym) is ... well there's the main character, but the rest are conceptual. Even the main character's lover.

I'm trying to figure out a cast that are small town values while also subversions. Basically the dream version of this will read like it was written with the spirit of Rian Johnson.

If I had to pick one hope for the new year in terms of writing (and maybe if I'm feeling fanciful: all my healthy habits) is to be consistent. Actually carve out at least a dedicated hour a day at minimum. Each day. Every day of the week.

The Illustrator and I have spoken since my last journal entry, but no change. At most the Illustrator admitted that leaving WHN breaks their heart.

So WHN is still on hiatus. I have no idea what to do with it. I'm partial to not giving it up. Full creative control was just dropped into my lap. Coupled with there are ideas, imagery, and themes that I truly believe in. Several times I'll see literary or artistic analysis and think "I want to throw my hat into that ring with What Happens Next".

The other hand is this has been such a long, long project that I'm weary of it. There's emotional problems that I can't simply sweep under the rug for every word put down feels like I'm a thief.

Each day I'm possessed with the want to write and more critically, complete works. Yet that has yet to manifest no matter how many self-imposed deadlines fly past.

This whole month has been a blur honestly.

Oddly enough Where She Once Lived (WSOL? Need a short hand for that working title...) is going oddly well.

Most likely because it's at the fun conceptual stage. The thing I'm hoping stands out about the work is the purple, poetic prose and emotional poignancy.

Still haven't sat down really and planned out what I want to write and when in 2026.

Like saying "Year of Cringe" is one thing, but what does it actually mean?!

I truly have fallen into the standard work-media consumption-sleep-repeat pipeline. Which means I might actually have to force schedule in things that I want to happen then enforce that.

How does one find the spontaneity of life while also keeping a structure forced by society?

We're almost there we got this!

I write with... mixed emotions. These journals for me and I'm certain no one else reads these. Yet they are available for anyone to keep up with. Part of me feels like I'm making a press statement.

Last Monday I let the Illustrator know about some personal matters. After that we spoke Thursday where I did something out of character-

-I was bluntly honest.

Not my strong suit in the slightest. Preferring instead to dodge and weave and elude rather than hold the line.

We didn't speak for long. Less than an hour. I made a friend cry.

Later when they said, "I've calmed down. I think the obvious answer for creative endeavors is that you should go on without me. It's clear that I can't dedicate enough time to it. I'm still happy to talk and bounce ideas around, but my visuals are no longer necessary."

Illustrator: "It's been true for some time, I just wouldn't admit it. I'm happy to support where I can."

I... read all of this with mixed emotions. Elation certainly. A freedom so heady that I felt a long-standing migraine clear.

The other was shame. So I offered, "As kind as that is to offer, are you sure? WHN could go on hiatus till life is more settled post-doctorate. Also it feels like I'd be taking a major source of joy from you."

Still remembering when I suggested the Pokemon comic be aged up. Then when I suggested it become a novel instead.

Now this.

Not my suggestion, but I can't deny that I feel the blood (metaphorical though it is) stains my hands.

Where do I go from here? Do I continue WHN? Do I wait? Do I offer the whole of the intellectual rights to the Illustrator who may want to do something with it another day? Why did I finally turn to the drug of honesty when for years I was able to sustain myself upon the clemency of hidden frustration? Why did I finally kneel?

Other works are going fine. My main complaint is I'm going so slowly. I wish the last few weeks were truly mine to do with as I pleased. To sit and ponder or sketch or mock-up and such.

What do I want to do with my 2026?

My time is precious. I want to honour that.

I believe in the project. It's fine. The development as never been more streamlined hand ontrack. Certainly the sunk cost fallacy is hilariously deep. So on and so on. From characters to world ideas.

But also I can cannibalise what I need to and move on.

Or hand over intellectual rights to the Illustrator and move on.

Which leads me into why I'm so emotionally charged at the moment. In all honesty of keeping a tumblr at all (over ... like 16 years at this point) I've referred to The Illustrator, but never confessed that...

Well, for me at least, they're not a very good project partner.

And after so long, I can say in learned shame that I'm growing resentful and tired. We're touching base soon so I'm planning to suggest a paradigm shift or cutting the rope.

In positive (and bittersweet), when I'm not working on WHN my mood improves as does my overall mental health. I'm overflowing with mental energy and ideas. Suddenly this becomes easier!

Still haven't decided the tentative writing schedule for next year though.

I had made serious plans for 2025. Trading on and off of what each month would be. January would be an original work then flip over to fanfiction in February. Maximising what I get done. Progressing my writing career as well as my hobby.

That ... didn't really work.

It didn't really not work either.

But it wasn't a result of satisfaction. And if this is going to be a hobby while I survive turbulent times in the modern apocalypse. My mind is not the kind that can just jump shifts from creative endeavour to creative endeavour. Most people don't operate like that I'd imagine.

So while my intentions were ambitious and the works I selected for each month were fine - often times I found myself just sawing through something while something else demanded my attention because it was holding my creative spark.

Some degree of writing will always be a pain. A slog that I just have to get through, but that doesn't mean I can't try and find joy where I can.

Also going to change up communication with the Illustrator. They're a very busy person in general as well as having to juggle mental health. A flaw of mine is if I put in a large amount of effort in something then I want/expect a project partner to do the exact same. Which isn't realistic. Different people put in different things depending on where the project is or what's going on in their lives.

Basically WHN is going to much less of a focal point for myself. I'll give it attention before and after meeting with the Illustrator, but probably not much on my own.

More to think about, but I think I'll end it here for now.