Should A Dominant Ever Apologize
I believe that it is inarguable that in offering an apology, the Dominant gives up power. By itās nature, an apology asks for forgiveness, and in a D/s relationship, the āDā tells instead of asks. Thatās part of the fantasyāthe submissive has no choice but to comply with the Dominantās wishes. Asking for forgiveness breaks that paradigm, and in doing so, weakens the dynamic between the couple. If that were the only consideration, then perhaps the right answer would be āNoā¦never apologize.ā
However, it is not the only consideration. There is also the small matter of trust.
In BDSM, the submissive literally places themselves in the Dominantās hands. They give up power to the point that they may be made helpless and unable to move, may be made to experience pain, may be required to do things that they ordinarily would never do. To do so, the submissive must trust that the Dominant will take care to see that they come to no harm, that they are kept safe. They must not only trust their partnerās intentionsāthat they will not do something harmful or abusive on purposeābut also their competenceāthat the Dominant is sufficiently knowledgeable and practiced to take proper precautions and avoid causing harm by accident.
Any Dominant mistake threatens the perception of competence, and any mistake that goes far enough to have unintended consequences to the submissive, such as discomfort or pain (the bad kind of pain, not the good kind), calls it into real question. In situations like this, where something has gone wrong enough that the submissive has felt the consequences, it is not only okay to apologize, but it is imperative that the Dominant do so.
If you, as the Dominant, do not acknowledge your error, it leaves the impression that you do not realize that you made a mistake. It also builds resentment within your partner, who may feel guilt that the activity did not go as planned, and who may easily believe you blame them for the problem. And it eats away at that bond of trust between you, the trust that allows submission to exist.
Asking forgiveness for your error does give up a modicum of power, itās true. But it also conveys that you realize that things went wrong, that you take responsibility, and that you donāt blame your partner. It demonstrates that you are willing to learn from what happened, and therefore are less likely to make the same misstep again. And it shows as well that youāre not afraid to admit a mistake. Thereās an old saying that āit takes a big man to apologizeā, and there is much wisdom in these words.