inter • stellar

I believe that it is inarguable that in offering an apology, the Dominant gives up power. By it’s nature, an apology asks for forgiveness, and in a D/s relationship, the “D” tells instead of asks. That’s part of the fantasy–the submissive has no choice but to comply with the Dominant’s wishes. Asking for forgiveness breaks that paradigm, and in doing so, weakens the dynamic between the couple. If that were the only consideration, then perhaps the right answer would be “No…never apologize.”

However, it is not the only consideration. There is also the small matter of trust.

In BDSM, the submissive literally places themselves in the Dominant’s hands. They give up power to the point that they may be made helpless and unable to move, may be made to experience pain, may be required to do things that they ordinarily would never do. To do so, the submissive must trust that the Dominant will take care to see that they come to no harm, that they are kept safe. They must not only trust their partner’s intentions–that they will not do something harmful or abusive on purpose–but also their competence–that the Dominant is sufficiently knowledgeable and practiced to take proper precautions and avoid causing harm by accident.

Any Dominant mistake threatens the perception of competence, and any mistake that goes far enough to have unintended consequences to the submissive, such as discomfort or pain (the bad kind of pain, not the good kind), calls it into real question. In situations like this, where something has gone wrong enough that the submissive has felt the consequences, it is not only okay to apologize, but it is imperative that the Dominant do so.

If you, as the Dominant, do not acknowledge your error, it leaves the impression that you do not realize that you made a mistake. It also builds resentment within your partner, who may feel guilt that the activity did not go as planned, and who may easily believe you blame them for the problem. And it eats away at that bond of trust between you, the trust that allows submission to exist.

Cafe: our characters meet in a coffee shop

Learn: your character teaching mine something

Teach: my character teaching yours something

Ding dong: my character visiting yours

Fuss: our characters arguing about something

Allies: our characters fighting something together

Enemies: our characters fighting each other

Confess: my character confesses something to yours

Advice: my character coming to yours for advice

Mystery: our characters solving a mystery together

Sick: my character nursing yours back to health

Wild card: any scene of requester's choosing, mix or match

*AUs: (specify your character's role when when requesting AUs)

High school AU: our characters in high school

Western AU: our characters in the old West

Fairy tale AU: our characters in a fairy tale

Science fiction AU: our characters in the future

Cop movie AU: our characters are partners on the force

Zombie AU: our characters in a zombie apocalypse

Gangster AU: our characters in a gangster movie setting

Mirror AU: characters swap personalities (either to opposite personality or with each other)