™

i love you ilya rozanov herding shane like cattle. i love you ilya rozanov circling shane like prey. i love you ilya rozanov backing him into walls and on top of counters and carrying him to the bed and guiding him to his knees and yanking him around by the chin and getting right in his face and shoving him onto the bed and straddling him and holding him down by the wrists. go where i tell you. hands where i put them. eyes on me.

I'm going to fix everything in the next three hours everyone wish me luck. if i dont then probably ill dig a hole and lie down in it for a bit in the rain/sun/whatever outside looks like these days

the hole isnt even that bad

cd has a hole. record has a hole. casette has 2 holes. streaming? zero holes. i think i’ve made my point

[suddenly disillusioned] my illusions..

I just keeping thinking about a Shane who didn’t have Ilya to guide him through his desires. A Shane who discovered he liked men and discovered he liked it hard but had to satisfy his desires through secret anonymous hookups. A Shane who learned to spot the glint of desire in a man’s eye and the edge of a smile that carried the promise of rough hands and rougher treatment. A Shane who sought out men who did not treat him kindly, because they met a physical need. A Shane who never learned that tenderness is not the antithesis of domination. A Shane who thinks a lingering coldness in his body and cruel self-talk is just what naturally follows the shame of having allowed himself to give into his desires. A Shane who doesn’t recognise the symptoms of subdrop because aftercare is never offered and never sought out. A Shane who sees his submission as a weakness he is rightfully punished for. A Shane who earnestly believes love cannot coexist with the treatment he craves.

yeah i just love it when a character is in an inescapable torment nexus for a huge portion of their life and it defines every aspect of their existence forever. also whats cptsd

need a hat that says I WONT SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO AND ITS NOT BECAUSE IM DISINTERESTED AND DONT LIKE YOU I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND SOCIAL INTERACTION AS WELL AS MOST PEOPLE AND ASSUME BY DEFAULT MY PRESENCE IS UNWELCOME AS A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE SO I KEEP TO MYSELF BUT I DONT MIND IF YOU INITIATE so i can wear it to work