BISEXUAL'S FOLLY

my sideblog is under @coruscqte (marvel/fhr)

- to draw the full crew scene during 7.8 with my legacy toons

- finish the “second in command drabble”

- draw the zanya progression art (baby zanya is very cute and also. horrors)

- start chidera (rassmancers ive LOST i need him)

- get phae through ord mantell and coruscant (horrors georg)

- finish chapter 1 on erzi

- do chapter 1 on cele (world’s worst meet cute ever)

- finish chapter 2 on francesca

- reorient myself on kotor (again)

- find world peace

anyway.

I’ve told a mutual about this before but I’m becoming a little more solidified on it because I think Osiris is force sensitive after Khar Shian.

I think.

It hits like a truck to think he might have finally been able to tap into what he thinks is his birthright, but it’s also so angsty to consider that he finally was able to be touched by it. After thirty eight long years of beating himself up about it, being the only force null child of five and he couldn’t even build bonds with his family like everyone else could. His destiny was taken away from him before he even realized. He was mistreated by his father and everyone else because he was fully incapable of making use of such a thing. He was entirely less than, and spent so many years trying to make up for it, trying to bridge the gap with talents of his own, almost allowing the augment that Intelligence gave him to be a power he could make use of — because he just couldn’t let this set him back.

He was convinced there was a good reason for it all because if there wasn’t, then why was he born to a Sith lord with nothing to show for it? What was the point of his life if he had no abilities to make use of? Osiris had never been able to answer these questions, but in a weird way, had made his peace with it by the time the later expansions rolled around. Content was the word that he preferred to use. With a real goal in front of him working for the Alliance, breaking ties with the Imperials and being able to be something more beyond the broken idea of what he’d spent so many years thinking he was, Osiris had moved past that feeling of needing the Force to be someone.

Here’s what I think though.

I think Osiris’s connection to Force was almost snapped off completely and he couldn’t sense it because of his maternal grandmother’s manipulation of him as a child. When she took control of his mind, took control of what lingered inside him, that weak perception was completely overridden. She took away any opportunity he would’ve had to nurture that connection when she’d puppeted him about, and the malignance that she felt about him gnarled it’s way around his mind in a way that never quite left him. So, his mind did the only thing it could at 3-4 years old. It shut down everything it didn’t need to survive. And that included any burgeoning Force sensitivity.

(What I DO also believe is that because of this, Osiris is more difficult than others to manipulate later down the line with the Force. He still can be, far easier than Jedi or Sith, but if anyone tried they’d be met with a great deal of resistance. It’s why Cele and Zanya never pick up on it. They just figure Intelligence made him that way. Eventually he does start to allow them into his mind, so by then there’s little room or reason to question it.)

Given, even if he hadn’t been manipulated like that, his sensitivity would still be pretty weak. Nothing would change massively except for the fact he might be more perceptive. Might be able to lift some stuff with help. If anything he probably would be able to manipulate people in the same way his augment does — slows them down, makes them pause, keeps them from breathing. It’d be messy, but he could do it. He’d be nowhere near on par with any of his siblings, and had Lioran been particularly dismissive/evil/etc., he would’ve died on Korriban or during his trials on Ziost.

Anyway. My point being is that Osiris, being thirty eight and never touched by it in any memory he could dredge up, would be wildly overstimulated by this newfound power. His senses are already overtuned, to be able to pick up on anything during stakeouts and stay focused, but adding the Force to that would make it ten times worse. Having heard that call from where he was on Odessen, putting together the pieces on why he did, and only being able to realize with a lot of fear and confusion that he was hyperaware of everything and everyone around him, it’s terrifying. It’s terrifying and it’s worrisome because if he’s capable of hearing the Force, in the way that Malgus explains it, then — where was it before? What did Malgus touch? What did anyone touch?

Why now? Why, when he’s already made his peace with everything, does the Force come to him? It feels like a rude show in a mirror, reflecting back to him what he could have been. What he should have been. What he could have had.

Would his life have been different if he wasn’t here as an adult lying in his quarters with all the lights off and clutching his head like it might explode? If he were trained from day one? Would his father have looked at him differently? Would he have loved him like he should have? Would a sensitivity have demanded respect from his family, overridden the fact that he was an alien, made them love him like they should have?

… Was this his own fault, for never picking up on it? Was his whole life his fault, all this suffering at everyone else’s hands, because he just couldn’t notice that he did have that power?

He doesn’t know. And he’s scared to think about it.

Osiris had thought he was over this years ago. Had been over it when Thara and him finally broke off whatever fucked up relationship they’d been harboring for years. But it makes him feel like a little boy again, with tears in his eyes and cursing the galaxy because it overlooked him.

Except, now it didn’t.

Now it didn’t.