(link to ao3) valentine! she/he. 21. black. bi. jane of most trades, master of none. sci-fi nerd extraordinaire. mass effect + dragon age + swtor + rogue trader
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I think something people don't seem to get about sex repulsion is that it's not some easily definable thing? It can fluctuate. I can be repulsed by sex irl, but not by it in media. I could actively seek it out in media while also being absolutely queasy at the thought of that same thing happening irl. I can sometimes feel repulsed by it in media, and sometimes not. I can sometimes feel neutral about sex irl and sometimes be actively disgusted by it. I can enjoy casual touch but get averse when that touch becomes sexual.
I just feel like people treat sex-repulsion like it's a monolith and you need to fit into one particular slot where you're either repulsed by all things sex, or you're neutral about all things sex, or you actively enjoy all things sex. Where's the in-between? Human experiences are not so easily carved out and defined
just took Cantik through Taris and she had. a bad time. spoilers for the consular story depending (if i recall my first two playthroughs correctly) on the choices you make. Being a good but abrasive person has its drawbacks... I want to do a second part to this but my head hurts so this is what we've got. At least I'm getting my writing groove back!
Sonnas had promised he would wait for Cantik in the Taris spaceport. He was always true to his word.
âHead back to the ship,â Cantik told Qyzen as soon as she felt Sonnasâ unmistakeable light in the Force. âIâve got something to do.â She darted through the spaceport, dodging the few poor saps who had to work here, and only had to listen for Sonnasâ delighted exclamation of her name before she was tucking herself into his arms.
âYour ship or mine?â she asked, slipping her arms around him and pressing her face into his chest. He smelled like swamp, probably the same as her, but he was as solid as ever.
âWhat, we arenât going to catch up?â Sonnas laughed. Cantik ground her teeth together. She didnât want to talk about what theyâd been doing here. Sonnas was saving the galaxy, and sheâd murdered a Jedi.
âCantik,â Sonnas said. He reached for her chin, trying to get a look at her expression probably, and she snapped at his fingers.
âYours or mine?â she repeated.
âCantik,â Sonnas sighed. âI can tell something is wrong.â Heâd been startled by her sudden attachment to him, but now he wrapped his arms around her. Cantik shuddered in his grip involuntarily, and hoped he wouldnât notice. It was a futile hope, she knew; Sonnas noticed everything. Normally she liked that about him. He really paid attention to her.
She didnât want anyone looking at her right now.
âAre you going to take me to your ship and screw me if I ask nicely?â she said plaintively.
âTell me whatâs wrong, first,â he said. âThen weâll see how you feel.â
He wasnât going to drop it. He never did. He cared too much to let Cantik get away with glossing over her emotions.
But sheâd never done something this awful before.
âI killed a padawan today,â she admitted quietly. Sonnasâ arms went slack around her for a moment as he stopped breathing. Cantik winced, waiting for him to pull back entirely.
âWhat happened?â He pulled her a little closer. Cantik couldnât respond for a moment, with the relief sitting so large and painful in her throat.
âShe wouldnât listen,â Cantik said. âShe kept â her master was â he was suffering like Yuon. He kidnapped her, and she bought into the crazy shit he was spouting and she wouldnât fucking listen to me!â
Cantik had been told she was lucky she couldnât cry. She didnât think that was true, because the lack of eyes for tears left her with nothing but dry, heaving sobs in her chest. It was loud and painful and embarrassing and now she was doing it directly into Sonnasâ robes no matter how she tried to bite it back.
âOh, Cantik,â Sonnas sighed. âWhat hangar are you in?â
âWhat?â Was he seriously going to take her up on her proposition now?
âDoesnât seem like now is a good time to introduce you to Kira,â he said. âAnd we should talk in private. Iâm sorry I made you tell me out here in the spaceport. ThatâsâĻ awful.â
Cantik swallowed, her horrible sobs fading to hiccups. âYeah.â This wasnât how sheâd wanted him to make her feel better, but maybe it was. She knew what Sonnas was like. She knew what he would do for her. He always put effort into the ugliest of feelings, and Cantik couldnât deny that was part of what she loved about him.
âShe was such a good kid,â Cantik murmured as she pulled out of Sonnasâ arms to lead him back to her ship. âShe and her master were close. Like you and yours.â
Sonnas knew how jealous Cantik was of the years heâd spent with his master. Nobody ever passed him around like a piece of junk they didnât know what to do with. Typically, he didnât say anything, just hummed sympathetically.
âI told her it was stupid. That nothing Tykan was saying made sense. She wasnât an idiot. Why didnât she listen to me?â
âI donât know,â Sonnas said. âIt wasnât your fault. You tried everything you could. She made her choice.â
That was what Cantik had said to the soldier whoâd wanted her to kill Tykan. She clenched a fist thinking about him. He was so angry sheâd let Tykan live, when it was never his fault this happened, but heâd been broken up over the girl who heard Tykan spout nonsense and still thought he was worth fighting for? How was that fair?
âCantik?â
âNothing,â she said. âLook, if weâre not going to sleep together, you donât have to come with me. Not much left to talk about. I told you everything.â
âI have a little time,â Sonnas said. âMy ship needs maintenance before we can leave. Iâll stay.â
âGreat,â Cantik muttered. âJust great.â At least Qyzen would have already tucked himself away in the depths of the ship like always. He was reliable like that.
âItâs obviously bothering you,â Sonnas said quietly, stopping Cantik just before she stabbed her finger at the button that would take them down to the hangar. To her embarrassment, he reached out and tapped the button below the one sheâd aimed for. Sheâd been so caught up in herself she hadnât been paying attention. Stupid up and down arrows, always painted on and never textured. âI donât want to walk away until I know youâll be all right.â
âWhat if you have to? What if your ship gets fixed and they need you somewhere right away?â
There was a flicker of guilt in Sonnasâ Force presence. Cantik pounced on it.
âYou do have somewhere to be. What are you doing with me?â
âI canât go anywhere until my ship is fixed, so I might as well help my best friend,â Sonnas said firmly. âYes. I should go as soon as I can. But I canât right now, so Iâm here.â
She wished just an ounce of that care was because he loved her the way she loved him. Then again, she was bad enough at being a Jedi in most peopleâs eyes, for all that she followed the code and tried to do everything right. Clearly she hadnât been Jedi enough to convince ArisâĻ
Maybe Sonnas not loving her back was another way he was saving her.
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some things tend to slip through the cracks when youre fighting a war. and uh. well some others really shouldnt. like telling your sister you got engaged while she was gone.
You are allowed to find things hot in theory while also never wanting to actually do them in real life btw. You can get off on whatever wild shit in your imagination and still prefer to be very vanilla in real life. Or not want to have sex at all in real life. You don't owe the universe anything in exchange for your dirty mind.
hilarious thought. cele accompanied arcann and sanarae out to those ruins during LOTS so she wasnt around until they went to voss, comes back with a haircut. says its for easier maneuvering in the field.
fine. all is good. she looks eerily like ektaâs force ghost but okay. whatever happened out there is between her and the force.
she accompanies zanya to help out with the restoration, missing her sister and itching for some real work again. she seems âĻ different but cele canât really put a finger on why. lighter. stressed about the holocron, but she seems more open for some reason. actually smiles, laughs at one of celeâs terrible stories. thats weird. zanya never does those things, especially when theyre away from home.
it uh. all suddenly makes far more sense when, like clockwork after a long day of running errands for the interpreters, she slips on a pair of rings to her left hand before sitting down to eat after taking off her gloves and cele just Stares.
and zanya follows her gaze down to her hand because she doesnt understand why she stopped talking before she realizes shes levels of Fucked, and shes now in for quite the scolding.
and just sends the most cryptic âshe found outâ holomessage to her chat with theron and malavai before cele makes the most OFFENDED noise in her life
10. How do friends/family of each character view the relationship?
*cracks knuckles* okay who do we all have...
Vette: this sure is a thing, huh. Best friend is falling in love. Holy shit. Sheâs happy that Qyrhu is happy, no doubt. Definitely great fodder for teasing him. But she also watches Theron with something like: Buddy, are you ready for this? You better not waste his time. She just doesnât know, man. Qyrhu has never shown interest in having a relationship like that before, except with her, and itâs weird, and she canât help being a tiny little bit wary and defensive about it. She keeps this to herself though, and the longer this goes on the more she relaxes and gets used to the thought. Up until Theron pulls a traitor and shakes both her and Qyrhu up badly. It kinda ticks her worst boxes: That is not what friends do, faking it or not! She takes longer to forgive Theron for this, even after Qyrhu did. But Theron is a good egg, and Qy and him only get better with each other, so you know, at some point Theron is just part of the fam, and continues to be for life.
Lana is both critical and supportive of them, itâs complicated. What comforts her is the thought that both of them would be professional enough to keep working together if things went south between them (at least thatâs what she sincerely hopes). With each of them individually she has an important relationship with, so she often gets to see both sides of how they live their relationship. She really tries to draw the line at being any kind of mediator or getting stuck in between some quarrel and almost always succeeds.
Koth pretty much got to know them like that anyway so itâs just the usual state of things. He doesnât really judge them in one way or another although at first he doesnât quite get what Qyrhu sees in Theron, he seems kinda stuffy and boring to him. That impression will eventually change though and that will delight him.
Quinn learns of this possibility in an intelligence report about the Alliance when he gets up-to-date under Empress Acinaâs command and acknowledges it in theory but internally kind of dismisses it as nonsense, my lor- I mean Lord Khovar would never. Well, he would, he later realizes, but by then this is not his biggest revelation or problem, itâs just another thing. Sometimes, he resents Theron and sees him as the one stealing Qyrhu away to "the Republic", but in reality, he knows this isnât true, that Qyrhu was bound to clash with the Empire about things that had been simmering for a while already...
Jaesa: I donât think Jaesa even thinks about the possibility that Qyrhu might be dating / have a romantic partner by the time they meet each other again. They have other fish to fry, anyways, and Qyrhu doesnât tell her either (it just didnât come up). So, I donât think she even knows. Maybe from a throwaway comment by Vette and sheâs like âwot?â. She doesnât talk about it for the rest of the stay.
Teffâith: She knows very well Theron has some loose screws in that head of his. Whatâs a smuggler to do about that. Whatever. Sheâs just not gonna touch this. He shouldnât come crying to her when heâs gottenâĻâĻâĻ. Oh for fuckâs sake! Does this guy not have any ounce of survival instinct in him??! Sheâs so pissed at being stressed about Theronâs stupid decisions in his place she sends him a random holo yelling about it. Theron sends her some kind of stupid emoji back, and thatâs their interaction. She repeats that every few years, checking in if his windpipe is still intact. (will Theron ever feel like getting Teff and Qy to meet each other? I do not know. I am outlining a fic where they are celebrating Theronâs fortieth birthday and it might happen there. maybe.).
And the family sideâĻ Qyrhuâs parents are both dead by the time they are together, but he knows they would have strongly disapproved. He suspects his father would not have understood at all, and his mother might have been less scornful, though still very disappointed about not continuing the bloodline (and the leaving the Empire part would be unforgivable. Thatâs what he thinks at least. Though I know she would be more torn about it than she would show).
I do have an AU where she is alive for the whole complicated situation of Qyrhu being very protective of his partners when it comes to her, and eventually telling her about Theron and itâs a massive olive branch that is not lost on her and that she respects because she regrets being so estranged from her own son. Also, even further away from reality, the comedic meet your Sith mother-in-law is happening. Theron (âWhat could go wrong? I shouldn't have said that...â) and her are in for a bewildering, culture-shocking ride and Qyrhu will have cracked his ribs by the end trying not to laugh during the whole thing.
Bonus awkward non-family:
Satele Shan doesnât know about them during kotfe bc there is now way of knowing that, their relationship not being officially communicated or known (and Qyrhu sure as hell is not telling her). She only knows somewhen before Echoes of Oblivion, unsure from where (Qyrhu getting paranoid while itâs probably Theron who mentioned it to her fjdkfj). I think Satele does not presume to have an opinion about who and how Theron is having relationships with because she doesnât feel like she has the right to his private life. But of course, she still does have an opinion (she is a judgy Jedi after all), and the Sith part is a cause for concern. But then, after chatting with Qyrhu still in the EoO mind-scape she has a better feeling about it, because after she started talking about Theron, Qyrhu stopped being careful with her and couldnât hold back scolding her for Theronâs sake (âMake up your mind, Jedi. If you regret not spending more time with him, heâs still alive. Heâs right there. One could think, nowadays, doctrines neednât be followed to the letter. But if you think of breaking off contact again after, because you cannot handle it, then donât even bother starting. Donât be cruel.â). Qyrhu would rather bite his tongue off than tell her outright how important Theron is for him. Satele gets that anyway. And she is glad to see Theron genuinely happy and settled into the Alliance and a private relationship. So sheâs actually, surprisingly okay with it.
Jace Malcom: Goes into grieving as soon as he hears of this. He does not approve. Heâs not telling that to Theron outright because he has already fucked things up too much between them, but has to bite his tongue often. He only learns of this after the Iokath events, and at that point (if heâs still alive) he would have interacted with Qyrhu for a bit. It would help him in the arduous process of acceptance because he has at least some other reference (competent and professional commander) than the evil conniving Sith image Qyrhuâs name evokes. But sTILL! Why, Theron, why?! Why canât I understand you?!
Another comedy bit: Malcom is actually the one who tries to invite both of them for dinner anyway, if Theron and him are on better terms, to get to know your partner, Theron, it would mean a lot to me. I donât know how Theron would agree to this but I want him to for comedyâs (and extreme awkwardnessâ) sake!
21. What are their favorite everyday activities to do together?
for the truly everyday things...
Existing next to each other when winding down from the day. For instance, Qyrhu doing his stretching exercises on a mat on the floor while Theron lounges on the couch doing some reading or checking his last(?) mails, and they just banter occasionally, or glance over at each other enjoying the otherâs presence.
They donât manage to do this daily but Qyrhu started the thing that they have one meal in the day together, so that usually means heâs getting breakfast (bc Theron sometimes leaves early without a real one) or lunch and picks up Theron and they go for a quick 30 min break somewhere in a corner of the base, or when the weather is good then outside on one of the platforms, and they eat it together and just have a quick update, or vent if needed, or just sit shoulder to shoulder looking over the Odessen wilds in companionable silence.
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you'll get the urge as an artist or a writer to say out loud the things you're worried about "the proportions are off" "kind of out of character" "i'm not good at summaries" "didn't get as much detail as i wanted" "i made a mistake and here's how" and that's the self-conscious part of your brain telling you "it's bad and if you don't tell them you know it's bad then they'll think you're stupid" but you've got to ignore that little voice and pretend you think it's good or else that little voice is going to ruin your life
Some of the best advice I have ever gotten was from a creative writing professor. She said never apologize for your work. Never critic it before someone else does.
Her reasoning was you are the creator. You made your work from nothing and can see all the flaws and seems and holes. But your audience may not see any of it. Maybe they will; maybe they won't. But if you TELL them about the holes and the mistakes and the problems....they will 100% see them. So don't tell them. Don't sabotage yourself just because you think you're not good enough.
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job well done, or perhaps they're just out for a stroll?
borrowed @ebitenpura's grail for a doodle with him and miri. there's a little tiny world in the back of my head where these two are good friends and miri is a hired gun for grail's alliance. i wonder what sort of missions the lost prince and pride of clan cadera are going on ...