âIt started with a heavy chest.  Then I began to have a fever and dry cough.  Theyâre doing car tests in Minnesota, but I didnât have a car.  So I ended up walking to the ER.  They put me in isolation.  I wasnât even allowed to use the restroom so I had to pee in a bucket  Then they tested me and sent me home.  Iâve been waiting on the results for days.  There hasnât been much to do, so naturally Iâve been scrolling through Grindr.  A couple days ago this older guy sent me a message.  My profile name is âBernie2020,â so he says: âHi Bernie.â  I explained that Iâd just been tested.  And he tells me that heâs a retired doctor.  He starts asking about my symptoms.  He wants to know if he can bring me anything since my family lives out of state.  And this whole time heâs calling me âBernie,â but I donât have the heart to correct him.  I wanted to test to see if he was a real doctor, so I took a picture of my hand and asked him to identify my congenital birth defect.  He nailed it in less time than he could possibly google it, so I figured he was legit.  And whoâs going to kidnap a person with coronavirus?  So I gave him my address.  The next day he shows up with a perfect little portion of salmon, asparagus, four pears, and some very expensive looking granola bars.  We barely spoke.  He seemed more nervous than I did.  He just dropped it on the steps, walked quickly back to his car, and said: âGood luck, Bernie.ââ Â
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