Linchpin Teddy Bear

I am someone that believes that if you were going to sum up what life should entail, it should end with you being exhausted and so full of experiences and memories that they’re spilling out of you and you’re struggling to hold them all, laughing. Everything comes down to what you experience and who you go through that moment with, whether it be good or bad.

But always remember that you are allowed to want certain experiences. You are allowed to chase them. Make a plan. Write it down. Drill that fucker to the wall. If you want something, go get it.

Experiencing life doesn’t mean you have to turn down what you want and just take everything as it comes. It doesn’t mean you just give up control and whatever happens, happens. Fuck that. Go out and make it what you believe in your heart it should be.

Your life should serve you, not own you.

If you want something, go do it. If you commit to a genuine idea and desire to achieve something, you will get to the end result you’re after.

That’s the plan.

That’s always the plan.

But, I need you here to do it. Do you hear me? I need you to be here to accomplish all those beautiful and wonderful things you want out of this crazy burning moment that is a life.

I don’t care if I know you.

I don’t care if I hate you.

I don’t care if I love you.

I don’t care if we’ve never talked to one another or haven’t spoken in years.

I do not care if you have wronged me or I have wronged you.

I need you here.

We need you here.

The world wants you and needs you and loves you.

You don’t take up space. That space is here for you.

And if you can’t see that right now, just get to tomorrow.

Just keep working. And I’m sorry that I have to suggest something that feels so enormous and that feels so terrifying and futile, but you have to keep working.

I know you don’t think you’re worth the effort, but you are.

Look in the mirror.

Go on, look.

Look at you! You standing there! Damnit, what a beautiful fucking thing you are! Look at you, dude!

Tell me something I don’t know! Tell me something that scares you! Tell me something that makes you laugh, that makes you cry! Tell me about your day, your goals, your fears...

Tell me your favorite story and take a good long while to get all the words out.

I got time.

You got time.

We’ve all got time.

I want to know everything you want to tell me. But I need you around to tell me everything.

Look, I’ve been there. I’ve been curled up in a ball on my floor, laying in a puddle of my own tears and snot. Wishing it was over. Wishing something would just make it end. Wanting more than anything for the days to stop passing and to just disappear. I’ve screamed myself hoarse. Not eaten for days. Laid in the dark and gotten blackout drunk to try to numb myself to everything.

I worked. I worked really fucking hard. And I haven’t been in those spots in a very long time, but some days are still a struggle. I know how enormous and suffocating the notion of just “living” can be. It can be a horribly daunting thing sometimes. And I’m sorry it can be that way so often.

The sun does come up and I had to go to work. I had to feed my cats and dog and I had to answer my phone when my loved ones would call. I had to sober up and be a part of the world.

Because I have things I so desperately want to do. Things that I want so badly from my life that it makes my stomach churn. Find something, anything, to hold on to. Big or small, daunting or safe, doesn’t matter. Just find something that can get you through to tomorrow.

The plan is not for anyone to checkout early, especially not by our own hand. The plan is to fill life with moment after moment like an overflowing bucket and try to keep them all inside, so that when we do run into one another, we’ll have so much to show one another. So much to talk about. So much to see.

We’ll have so much to look at and say, “I’m so glad you got through yesterday.”

And then we can help each other get through today.

If you’re fighting right now, know that I am so happy that you are. That might not be what you want to hear and those words might make you nauseous, but know that I am happy that you are still here.

You are not deserving of suffering or pain.

You are not deserving of an early end.

You do not deserve the torment that trauma and mental illness can bring.

It’s like drowning and I really wish that people could see it like that, that they would take it that seriously. See it as gasping and thrashing for air, looking for a lifeline in the middle of some kind of raging tide.

A lot of people will tell you to get over it or suck it up. That’s bullshit. It’s dangerous, irresponsible, and bullshit.

You are not weak because you’re experiencing these things.

You are not a coward or less courageous than anyone else.

You are still valid.

Still wonderful.

Still deserving.

You are still a human fucking being and I am still so proud of you for being here.

I know it feels impossible, but please remember that life will always arrive. It will always show up, as long as we keep working. It will step in front of you shrouded in everything you’ve ever wanted and everything you’ve ever needed.

It will love you.

It will take care of you.

It will not toss you aside.

It will not make you feel less than.

It will provide safety.

It will provide warmth.

It will provide love.

But, we have to get there.

I know you feel alone.

You’re not.

I promise you, you’re not.

I love you.

I am so, so proud of you.

You are worth it.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

Something that I think physical culture is lacking in is honesty about training and what you can expect from it. I think people look for ways to draw people in and convince them that THIS is the way to go. You can call it marketing, I personally call it bullshit.

When I refer to physical culture, I’m using that as an umbrella term to talk about every sort of physical training and activity that exists all at once.

To name a few...

-Bodybuilding

-Powerlifting

-Distance Running

-Adventure races

-Martial Arts

-Mainstream Sports (i.e. baseball, basketball, football, soccer, etc.)

-Olympic Weightlifting

-HIIT Training

-Zumba

-CrossFit

-Gymnastics & Calisthenics

When I talk about training, I’m referring to anything that places a stimulus upon your body that invokes a neurological reaction and adaptation to the imposed demands of that activity.

To simplify that: when you train, the style in which you choose to train will have a stronger adaptation in one area of your body than it will another, simply due to the movement patterns you’re going to encounter in one sport to the next. If you are going to prepare for a marathon, you should not be concerned about hammering away at your Back Squat. You should be concerned about your ability to maintain proper movement and breathing mechanics while under high levels of fatigue and with an elevated heart rate.

If you are going to enter a powerlifting meet, your concern should not be improving your Fran time or how you’ll feel the last three miles of a half marathon. Your concern should be improving your all around strength with a focus on the Back Squat, Bench Press, and Deadlift.

A gymnast needs to be worried about their ability to maintain proper posture and position during the long amounts of tension they’ll encounter during their routine on the bars, rings, or floor.

If you are a CrossFitter, you cannot be concerned about one single modality of fitness. You have to give equal time to each branch and move every needle a little bit at a time.

Training in one specific area can and should increase performance somewhere else, assuming you’re actually training those other areas as well. But if you want to get good at basketball, you can’t spend all your time playing football. The demands of those two sports are very different and need to be trained for with a certain level of specificity, at a certain level. If you’re not a broad generalist (like a CrossFitter) then you don’t need to be concerned about how you’re fastball would compare to your ability to make a free throw.

Now, the majority of sports can be broken down into seven movement patterns...

-Vertical Push

-Horizontal Push

-Vertical Pull

-Horizontal Pull

-Squatting

-Lunging

-Stepping

From there, depending on how you combine them, you have pretty much any sport you can think of. It’s the different combinations of those seven movements that creates the different movement patterns of different sports.

Similarities within the movement patterns across all of sport is the reason why a lot of Off-Season Training looks the same: lift, condition, build good coordination and movement mechanics. From there, your targeted and desired stimulus will determine how you program and what you program. When it comes to lifting, for example, the load on the bar will have a cellular effect on an athlete (muscle building) and a neurological one (balance and coordination). Whatever your goals within those two areas are will determine reps, sets, percentages, and what lifting style you choose to use.

When it comes to conditioning, again, the demands of the sport will determine what you do and why. A football player needs to be explosive and fast in short bursts of time, but also needs to be able to recover between those violent bursts of power. A baseball player needs a focus on hand-eye coordination, balance, and the ability to move from core-to-extremity time and time again without running into fatigue within smaller muscle groups.

I don’t know all that much about the rules of sports and I don’t follow any sport with any amount of regularity except for The CrossFit Games. But I know how to train people to be faster, stronger, more explosive, and more aerobically capable.

Everything I’ve talked about so far has been referring to traditional sports, but when you open it up further and just go back to thinking about physical culture as a whole, all the same principles apply. If you have a known task to prepare for, that is the task you should prepare for, and that is the road your training should follow to achieve top-level performance, if top level performance is what you’re chasing.

Something people have to realize is that there is a trade off between performance and longevity. Professional athletes—in any sport—are sacrificing a certain level of health for an incredibly high level of performance. They are willing to do this because they understand that performance has a finite lifespan. You can only maintain and improve at a truly elite level for so long, so if you’re going to do it you should do it NOW.

But, what does performance really mean when you take away the tunnel vision of top end performance? Aside from the ability to throw or catch a ball, run faster or longer, hit a puck, make a hit, swim faster, or score a goal better than anyone else, increasing performance can be simplified down to one idea, in my opinion: getting better at or becoming skilled at anything (improving performance) is simply the act of reducing the cognitive stress that action causes to the body. This is why we watch athletes make incredibly difficult tasks look painfully easy. They look secondary. It’s simply because they have trained and improved their relationships with their bodies to the point that they don’t have to think about it, they can just act on it.

This sounds like it should be the goal of any kind of training across all walks of life.

Just because you’re not an elite level athlete, does not mean that you should not chase the core qualities that high level athletes chase when you strip away the context of a given sport: coordination, strength, balance, agility, endurance, power. All of these things will improve your quality of living.

The important thing is deciding how you want to train. I love CrossFit, Gymnastics, and Olympic Weightlifting. Those are the things I dedicate the majority of the time I spend training to. Luckily, CrossFit is built upon the other two, so I can structure my training to encounter all three each day without always needing a dedicated time slot to each, but I also love to train and am currently chasing trying to be a high level performer, so I tend to have a slot for all three each day I train.

I’ll never claim to be a good distance runner. I’ll never claim to be a good football player or basketball player. What I have is a very middle-of-the-road level of strength, decent gymnastics skills, and a decent engine. I’ll only ever claim to train hard, be in shape, and enjoy the way that I train.

When you’re looking for something physical to do, it pays to be honest with yourself. What do you want to do? What appeals to you? I know so many people that WANT to do something other than what they’re doing. Why?

Listen, I love the shit out of the way I train. I really do. I try to do something I’m bad at every day and I’m someone that craves the opportunity to get better. And people should remember that any kind of training is a lot like strength: it’s always context specific. A CrossFitter might be strong in a CrossFit competition, but in the Strongman world they might not even win a beginners competition. Training is the same way: you should choose a style of training that fits the context you have for both health and desire. Because only you really understand what it is you are going to enjoy doing and dedicate yourself to. You are also the only one that understands what YOUR definition of health is. There is no one defining moment of, “Okay, this person is the healthiest because they do this.” Okay, yeah, sure, that person fits your definition of health, but look at all these people that do the EXACT same thing that don’t fit your definition.

Every style of training has different demands, causes a different stimulus, and brings on different types of adaptation in different people. It does not matter how I have gotten in shape. What matters is what works for you. You have to go find it.

“The needs of an athlete and the needs of a grandmother vary by degree, not kind.” We’re all after improved performance. Whether that’s in the form of better blood work, a lower body fat percentage, an improved 10K time, a Deadlift or Snatch PR, a better Helen time; it doesn’t matter. All of those can be markers of improved performance, as long as they fit your vision of what improved performance is for you. I know a ton of runners that don’t give a single shit about their Back Squat. And I know a ton of lifters that don’t care at all about their Mile Time.

Everyone has different markers. Everyone has a preferred way to train. Don’t let people sell you this idea that there is some magic combination. There’s not. Training has ebbs and flows. It peaks and valleys a lot. If you want to be good at running ultra-marathons, you’re going to have to dedicate time to that. Don’t be surprised or angry when you don’t get stronger. Same as if you want to be a good CrossFit athlete, don’t be pissed when Powerlifters are stronger than you. Of course they are. And I bet you can do more Muscle Ups than they can.

Physical culture is very big on the idea of, “Look, come do this sixteen week program and I guarantee you’ll hit six PR’s, plus be the leanest person in your gym, and be able to do a Super Total immediately after a Marathon.”

Trying to be great at everything all at once is called a Long Island Iced Tea and they fucking suck. Get some Bourbon. Take your time with that glass. Stay in your lane. And when you’re looking for a different flavor and buzz, move on to something else.

I truly think that the important thing is to move and use your body. Learn how how it moves and reacts and build some awareness for how you carry yourself through life. I genuinely don’t care how you choose to do it, just find something. And don’t let people berate your choice once you make it. Will you dedicate to it? Do you enjoy it? Is it working?

Then let it ride, man. Don’t look back. I’ve come to realize that people aren’t intimidated by people that are in shape. They’re intimidated by people that are committed to something. Everyone’s afraid to start because they’re certain that the next big thing, the great big fucking answer they’ve been waiting for, is just around the next corner, so they can’t possibly stop waiting yet.

Yeah, you can. And you should. Because the shit of it is that no one is coming for you. No one is coming to save you. And absolutely no one can give you your strength, endurance, or health. Those are all things you have to go out and get for yourself. No one will bring you your definition of health and success. Those are things you have to figure out on your own.

If you want my opinion, I think you should train.

I think you should work hard.

I think you should push, pull, run, jump, climb, throw, swing, and maybe bleed a little sometimes.

I think you should laugh your ass off.

I think you should chase that buzz you’re looking for.

Physical culture in all its forms and styles should exist in unison and partnership with one another, not against one another.

Because no matter what you choose to do, they all demand one thing in order for you to see improvement...

You have to work.

So, go ahead.

My body has changed more in the last year than it has at any other point in my life. As my mother put it over Christmas, “You’re somehow bigger, but also smaller, every time I see you.”

Weird, right?

It is for me. And that’s not something that I tend to shy away from. You see it all too often, the strangeness of change manifesting itself in the behavior of another. People come to the gym and they bust their ass. They start eating right. Maybe they start getting stronger, faster, their endurance improves. They start to see real, tangible, and actual change.

And then they disappear.

You wanna know if someone’s about to take a break from working out? Look at how much they improved lately. A lot of the time there is a break waiting just around the corner.

I think a lot of this comes back to people constantly chasing change. That’s the focus.

Change. Change. Change.

Be this, not that.

Lose weight.

Gain weight.

Be thinner.

Get bulkier.

Stop. Slow down.

Where are you now?

Be reasonable.

Remember, you get one body. The one you’re in is the only one you’re going to have for as long as it keeps walking around.

Why fight with it? Why berate yourself into thinking that you’re not enough? That you’re somehow “wrong” for the form you have?

You’re not.

There is no right or wrong.

There is only happy and unhappy.

There is healthy and unhealthy.

Something I’ve had to spend a lot of time doing is apologizing to myself.

I used to hate my body.

Truly hate it.

I used to self-sabotage better than anyone you’ve ever met. I used to stand in front of the mirror and just yell at myself. I’d just try to shame myself into going on runs or not eating again that day. No matter what I did or how much progress I made, it was never enough.

Grace is something I was never very good at with myself. I never gave myself any ounce of wiggle room to mess up. So anytime I did it was a huge catastrophe and I’d just fly off the fucking rail and eat everything in sight and stop working out.

Over the last year, I’ve learned a lot about patience and showing myself grace when it comes to progress and change.

And a lot of this is due to the nature of being a coach.

The best way I can describe is that for an hour, you have to be a calm little center of the world for your members. You have to make them feel relaxed and welcome. They need to know that the gym is a place you go because you want to work hard and add to the quality of your life, not take away or lose parts of yourself.

It’s never about being less. It is always about improving upon what is already there.

I always want to set the example. Always. If I’m in the gym or out of it, I always want to be living and acting in a way that I think members would be proud of. That tomorrow I can look back at today and know that I did it right.

My sister said it best a few weeks ago, “Your body and your brain have always been worthy of love and understanding. At every point and during every iteration of it of this process.”

I want you to go back and read that again.

Do it one more time, please...

Do you get it?

You are always worthy of kindness and grace.

You are always worth being treated well by others and yourself.

You are always worthy of the love the world has to offer and the opportunities that it holds.

That is truly what I aim for when I talk to anyone. I want them to know that they’re cared about. That’s what I want people to take away from interacting with me: that someone gives a shit. I want people to leave my classes feeling empowered, not judged, and knowing that where they are is just fine. We’ll take this one step at a time and I’ve got their back the whole way. That we will get there. That they are not alone in this.

Even when I was at my lowest, at my heaviest, I was still deserving of understanding and treating myself well. I’ve spent a lot of time making peace and amends with my brain and who I was. I’ve spent a lot of time going back and reliving moments with the side of my brain that is still that overweight, angry, and sad kid, and showing him how far we’ve come.

I’ve spent so long growing to appreciate the body and person I used to be. Because if he hadn’t made the choice to be healthy and try to improve his quality of life, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

I owe him this.

I owe him the time to go back and show myself some grace for the mistakes I made and all the times I tipped off the wagon.

My body has changed a lot this year.

It’s so strange to be developing any kind of a physique.

It’s so strange to feel, I don’t know, like an athlete...?

It’s so strange to finally be showing myself some damn grace and understanding. It feels so alien.

But it’s brought about this sense of calm. This sense of peace.

My brain has stopped arguing with itself. Maybe it just ran out of fuel for it.

Maybe my attempts are apologizing for all the things I said years ago finally worked and the angry kid in me is finally just sitting down and getting a moment of rest.

He needed it.

He deserved it.

So do you.

I have a tendency to rant, but I can honestly imagine myself at sixteen just walking up onto the porch and sitting down on the top step. Hoodie and shirt soaked from however far he had forced himself to move that day. No one around.

Just sitting.

Heart rate slowing.

Breathing coming into control.

It’s just quiet. That’s all he really ever wanted.

That’s all I remember wanting; just some quiet. For my brain to stop, slow down.

For people to stop the bullying.

Stop the hitting.

Stop the groping.

Stop the... whatever the fuck they chose to do that day.

It’s all I’ve wanted for a long time.

Just some quiet.

It feels so nice.

Whatever you need to do to find some quiet, go do it. Whatever you need to do to make some progress, go do it.

If you think no one cares, know that I do.

If you think you’re not deserving, know that you are.

And if you think it’ll never happen, know that it will.

There is no speed other than your speed.

And that’s as fast as you need to go.

No more.

No less.

I got a pretzel with a friend the other day and I ended up going on a long rant about two things...

1.) My lack of pride.

2.) People not being proud of themselves or others.

I went on for a while before I realized that I had just been talking too fast for way too long and I tried to wrap the whole thing up as quickly as possible... I am really, really bad at that last part.

I try to be an honest person. I’m not an enormous fan of bullshit and I have a really low ceiling for it. I feel like we all already have enough to do. I’m always amazed how flustered people get when you ask them something like, “What do you want?”

Do you know how many people just stare at you with a blank face when that comes up? How many of them just can’t seem to come up with an answer?

Here’s the thing... that question is not a trick. There is no right or wrong answer. It’s an honest question that needs an honest answer. It almost demands one.

One of the points I tried to make was that being honest and giving something an actual existence—even just in the form of words—makes it tangible. I have a journal that I keep and I try to write something in it everyday. It can literally say something as simple as the date and then, “Oh, ya know, today just sort of happened.” And nothing else.

But, on every single page, I write my two biggest goals at the top. It’s simple reminder: today I am asking myself what I want and I am giving those goals life by writing them down. I am making them real. And if they are real, they become attainable.

My mother told me a few months ago, “I have never seen you genuinely want something and not go achieve it.”

I always come back to the idea that I don’t have pride. I don’t. I don’t have much an ego—if any at all—and I really only care about my lane in life and those that I care about.

My definition of being successful is not beating someone at a workout or at any given event. It is not being considered a good Coach and having people seek me out for advice. It is not how much I weigh and it isn’t the amount of money in my bank account. It has nothing to do with outward appearance and everything to do with what I put out into the world each day.

A six pack does not equal a strong core and a three piece suit does not mean you’re a successful business man.

For example: I own a three piece suit and not one damn part of any business anywhere.

Being successful for me is waking up every day and doing the best I can. It’s doing what I can to leave people feeling better than they did before they ran into me today. It’s showing appreciation to those I encounter and letting them know that they are valued parts of my life.

This might sound weird, but I don’t have pride. I have a weird amount of desperation. That’s always what it’s felt like. I have this painfully hot fire to try and help and to try and see just how much I can give to my life and the lives of others. I tried pride. It’s always getting hurt and it’s never happy. Your pride will never be in a good mood. So, why should we hold onto it?

Your pride doesn’t strive.

It just “wants.”

It doesn’t do the work.

It just wants the success.

That’s why people never give the credit. They always want it. Fuck that. If someone does something that clearly makes them happy and that clearly took them reaching down deep and finding it, you better be proud of them.

When I hit a PR in the gym, of course I’m happy. I work hard and I want to know that I’m getting better.

But, when a member hits a PR?

I lose my damn mind.

Because that’s the good shit. That’s what it’s about, just coexisting with other humans. It’s about celebrating the success of those around us, no matter what our own definition of success might be.

Whatever they just did, that took some courage. They asked something of themselves and they delivered on it. If that’s not a reason to be proud of someone, I don’t know what is. People are so quick to jump to, “Yeah, that was okay, but you still didn’t....”

I think that pride for the most part just gets in the way. It makes you run when you should be walking and tells you to push when you need to pull. Give it to others. Put it out into the world instead. Celebrate your success and work your ass off every day.

Understand that it’s okay to take a hit every now and then. Because you’re just going to. You are going to be wrong. You are going to fumble and stall out. You are going to be the least educated person in the room, at some point. Someone is going to be better than you, at some point. Don’t let some bullshit notion of perfection turn you into someone that’s incapable of taking any amount of defeat or disappointment in stride and with some grace.

You’re also going to be correct. You’re going to prove yourself and others wrong. You are going to find success and you are going to figure out whatever it is you’re going through. You’re going to surprise yourself.

Judgment and pride lull you into this pattern of expectations and then break it apart with loud crashing and surprise. And suddenly the fault isn’t within your own brain, it’s something tangible in front of you. It’s something sitting across the table or standing next to you. Whatever the catalyst for that drop is, that’s suddenly everything that’s wrong.

... Which is bullshit. The fault is right there in your mind. It’s been building and boiling you up for however long it’s been since the last drop and made you comfortable.

When you constantly have this up and down of needing the credit and never giving it to anyone else—of always needing to be the best—I think we have a tendency to forget to be thankful for what’s in front of us and people feel that from those around them.

Always be thankful that you have the opportunity to get up every day and have a life. That you get to wake up and choose to be dedicated to something bigger than yourself. Always remember that the impact you have on others will carry on for far longer than any success you achieve if you achieve it alone.

Don’t hold that shit in. Don’t bottle it up and ration it out to yourself. When someone does something that means something to them, acknowledge it. Help celebrate the success of others. Let people know that you’re proud. I don’t care if you’re better than they are at any given thing on any given day. They are working their ass off just like you are. Maybe it’s in a different field. Maybe you think their endeavor is pointless.

That’s not your call.

What is your call is to lift them up. Pride is about the self. Not others. I have so many friends that have hobbies that I know nothing about. But when they’re excited, I’m excited. Because they clearly worked for something good and damn well got it.

Does it matter if I understand? Nope. Not one damn bit.

Because I understand empathy.

I understand hard work.

You have to let people know that you’re with them, all the way.

We have to lift each other up, not pull someone down to our level or lower.

And if you’ve done something lately that you’re proud of, but you don’t feel like anyone cares, I care.

I care a lot.

You’re a fucking force of nature.

I’m proud of you.

Keep going. Keep making that shit tangible and keep striving for it. Leave that pride and ego shit behind, tuck your shoulder, and keep working.

I will if you will.

Deal?

I don’t really know what I’m going to say here. So if it’s okay with you all, I think I’m just gonna talk for a little while.

Cool?

Cool.

I usually wish I had better news for people. Not that I go around reporting on all the bullshit happenings in everyone’s life’s, but rather, I truly wish sometimes that I didn’t feel the impulse towards honesty.

This year is going to be like a lot of years before it. Someone is going to hurt you. Someone will break someone else’s heart. And it may not be a relationship, friendship, or even an acquaintance, but someone this year will show each of us that not all humans show compassion and that it tends to be saved for someone else.

My goal most days is to just be someone that sixteen year old me would be proud of. Proud to see. Proud to know. Proud to be. And sometimes I fail in this. A lot of days I do, honestly. I find myself angry or getting worked up for minuscule reasons. I find myself forcing patience when I wish it was just a natural state. Patience and compassion are both learned behaviors for me.

I think there’s a reason we don’t have all the answers to all the stories we tell ourselves to get by. It’s that blind sort of acceptance of the fact that, “no, this is true.”

But, no it’s not. That wouldn’t make any sense.

“No, still true.”

Oh, c’mon, man. Really?

“How are you this naive?”

I’m not, I’m just saying...

We run. Hard. We run from things that we shouldn’t and I’ve always found that kind of fascinating about humans. About people. They will run so hard and fast from those that treat them well and show them the love they deserve. They will defend to the end people that manipulate and run around them. We will do anything to play devils advocate for the assholes and the users and be the first to point out the flaws of kindness and even making an attempt at understanding.

I find myself back up here, in my brain a lot throughout the day. I think. Probably a little too much and too often. I’ll find myself zoned out, a thousand yard stare on my face, just... thinking. Never with a ton of direction and never with any real sort of intent. Just a wild flashing of thoughts and sounds and yeah, yeah, yeah okay I’m back now, what was I doing?

Burn it up. I tell myself that a lot.

It, for whatever reason, always brings me back to my center. Always shows me how to get back home. Before a heavy lift. Before a MetCon that has me worried. Before a difficult conversation. Before telling someone something I’m scared shitless to say. It’s a reminder.

A reminder that honestly... fuck this. To hell with the hate. The negativity. I don’t make resolutions. Or, I haven’t before... but, what the hell, I could try to call this something other than what it is... and it is that. Sticking feathers up your ass doesn’t make you a chicken and saying, “This isn’t a resolution,” before you make a resolution doesn’t make it anything else.

Let it go, man. Just let it go. People are going to make the choices they make. They’re going to choose the people they choose. And they are going to do the things they do. That’s the thing about people: at the end of the day, people do what they really want to do. No more. No less.

One of the best pieces of advice my mother has ever given me about relationships, in any capacity or form, is, “If someone leaves you and says, ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ believe them. Because they’re right. Fuck yeah it’s them. Let it be theirs.”

When people show you what you mean to them, believe them. Let them keep it. That’s their choice, not yours. They have, with that decision and in that moment, shown you what you mean to them.

Listen me to. You are fucking glorious. You are full of light, regardless of whether or not you see it. You have something to offer everywhere and in every spot you find yourself. You’re going to stumble. Your light will tremble. Don’t let others dictate its brightness. That’s not up to them.

Don’t take on the bullshit of others. I know people want to. I know, because I do it all the time. There is something strangely enticing about the stress other people feel. Always something just a little bit curious about it. Something interesting about why this causes that, but with you that does not cause this.

Be there. Let them vent it. Let them breathe it. Don’t take it home with you.

Leave it in that tiny notebook on the bar in your head. It’s after hours and last call has come and gone. You’ve had your bourbon. The ice is melted. Your bottle is empty. And you will never solve the stress of someone else. You will never truly figure out why we do what we do.

It’s time to go home.

Time to take care of yourself.

All we can do is be there.

All we can do is be kind.

Show compassion.

Be understanding.

And it’s hard.

Believe me, I know.

I know of plenty of people that do not like me and lord knows there are plenty of people I do not like. But in those moments, when we could exchange a scowl or sneer or snarl, I always just feel this tiny reminder and push against that bar in my brain.

... Compassion is a learned trait with me.

I just smile and nod, even if it’s not returned.

That’s not the point.

... Being understanding towards others is something I’ve built.

I leave it alone.

I leave it where it is.

I let them keep it.

It is theirs, after all.

Please remember that we are more than the experiences we have in our tool belts and more than the actions of others. We will still be here long after we have become an after thought to the uncaring and ignorant.

Allow ourselves to find compassion and understanding within ourselves when we have a tough day, week, month, or even year. Let us not jump to the conclusion that we are weak or failing or ill equipped for this life set out before us simply because it can at times be a heavy thing to carry. I don’t have all the answers for my own life. Nor do I want them. Life should be more than a series of guesses you have about what’s around the next bend in the road. It’s more than just waiting for something to begin or end.

Someone told me one time that the only thing you can really depend on are the thoughts you have and the actions you take. When I have a thought, I hope I’m brave enough to give it real consideration. When I move, I hope I can move with some poise and effort. No laziness. No lack of want or need. The world deserves better than your half assed attempts at whatever you’re dancing around. Stop. Grab it by the fucking lapels and drag it somewhere new. Somewhere better.

Let it in. Feel it. This is one I’m bad at sometimes. I sometimes lack the courage to really feel what’s circling above my brain stem.

Let this be an honest moment. Move ahead.

Move with intent. Gnash your teeth and pound your chest if you need to. Scream as loud as you can, if that’s what it takes. Do what you need to do. But, it’s time to start taking care of yourself.

If you’re looking for bravery today I hope you find it. And if you’re looking for someone to just give a shit, hopefully you find that here.

A friend of mine told me recently that what makes me a good person is that I only want to help. I only want to add to. He also told me that it’s okay for me to look out for myself.

And that I should.

Burn it up, man.

Let it go.

Let them keep it.