Once Upon A Broken Heart — 4.2 stars

This was my first read of the year (In May, I began reading again) and it got me out of a year long book slump. It is very whimsical and I went into the book with the expectations I was given via Booktok. Do not believe Booktok, this book is so much better than I thought. I also adore Evangeline, she stole my heart from the first chapter, took me a while to warm up to Jacks though. This is the first book that has ever made me hate a character, but I cannot reveal who cause spoilers (It’s not Apollo though)

The Ballad Of Never After — 5 stars

Oh boy! I finished this book in an entire day and I loved every second of it, the absolute best book in the OUABH trilogy, there are scenes I still think about now that have me screaming in delight, Jacks really won me over in this book and I just love everything about it.

The Curse Of True Love — 3 stars

I also binged this book in a day (finished The Ballad Of Never After and this book the same day) and it just didn’t feel like a conclusion to the series. There were so many plot holes, all the new characters introduced are meant to delay the plot of the book but I hated all of them. And it didn’t feel like a satisfying ending to the series, thank goodness the novella is coming out in September

Dance Of Thieves— 5 stars

I am on my hand and knees for this book, I was put of reading this book for over two years and even though I did not realise I had to read the remnants chronicles first, I understood the story quite quickly. But you want to know what really got me to adore this book? Jase and his family. This book was so much better than I expected.

Vow Of Thieves — 4.9 stars

The second book in the duology is so close in being five stars, so close. But to me it felt like it dragged on quite a bit near the end, though I was very satisfied with the ending.

The Spellshop — 3.3

I did enjoy the book, the plot intrigued me but none of the characters are memorable, the only name I can recall is Caz and thats it. The book also seemed so very afraid of having a villian, it was very friendship is magic kind of thing, which is to be expected in a cosy fantasy so I had that suspicion going into it. Though like many fantasy books you do have to turn off that part in your brain where you question how the main characters can fall in love and get married in a matter of a few days of knowing each other.

Divine Rivals — 4.5 stars

Now, if I was only saying about the vibes alone then it would be five stars. I finished this book in a singular book, I was hooked from the first page. The writing drew me in as did the characters and the world. I will warn though that death is very sudden in this book, like very abrupt which at first did startle me as I wasn’t expecting it. Also I wish I had my own magical typewriter.

Ruthless Vows — 4.3 stars

Like Divine Rivals I finished it in a day, it is a bingable read and it does play on one similar plot line to Curse Of True Love but I prefer how Ruthless Vows handled it. It was a very satisfying end to the duology.

One Dark Window — 5 stars

I am in love with this series. Every single aspect of it had me in a chokehold that I never wanted to escape, the magic system, the plot. This was also my first dip into gothic fantasy and I loved it, Elspeth and The Nightmare caught my attention instantly, and the moment Ravyn graced my eyes. I was hooked. To me the plot twist was predictable, but regardless I loved waiting to find out if I was right and the moment I finished it I had to start the second one. This is also the first book that has almost got me to cry.

Two Twisted Crowns — 5 stars

What can I say? I love this series, I also love Elm and Ione, there is one scene in this book that really stole my heart and had me screaming (if you’ve read this book, just know it involves The Chalice). Every interaction had me drawn to the page and I finished it in a day. So unbelievably happy with this series, cannot wait to read The Knight and the moth.

The Bridge Kingdom — 4.5 stars

An arranged marriage where the FMC is a spy wanting to destroy the MMC kingdom from the inside, may I say more? This is the first book where the spice had been explicit and it actually felt deserved because it wasn’t in my face from the beginning, it allowed for it to happen in the later part of the book. Also the MMC (Aren) is hot. This book is also messy, like nearly every character is flawed and as the reader pieces will fall into place quicker than the characters, honestly it reads like a Wattpad book, which I am not complaining about. Also the angst in this book is unmatched. This is also the first fantasy book where it actually has the characters peeing in the wilderness and actually being impacted by their adventure. (Second book to almost make me cry)

The Traitor Queen — 4.7 stars

This is the second book to The Bridge Kingdom and one of my notes for this book is literally ‘LET AREN AND LARA GET BACK TOGETHER THE ANGST IS TOO MUCH’ and that was at the 67% mark. So they go through it. The book can be quite repetitive in its statements but you learn to overlook them and I really enjoyed the plot, especially because it’s showing that consequences have actions. Also I am not a big spice girl, I have to be in a certain mood to read it and I tend not to think about it. The spice in this book was really fucking good, and it was only a singular chapter so YAY!

Quick little rant: I have also learnt that every single romantasy that I have read love saying that ‘her/his tongues entered her/his mouth’. Even if the kiss is just a brush of the lips, which like, why? Why is every kiss in fantasy some passionate thing?

You leant that through your friends, all of them openly talking about their sexual experiences with cheeky grins and a gleam in their eyes. All of them being quite vulgar in their choice of words.

So you know what happens during it, the supposedly sexy words, the heated kisses, the actual intimacy.

Your friends just never disclosed what led up to sex. What was the transition of turning the other on to doing the deed.

You leant your head back in your chair with a groan, your mind racing to think of what scenarios could be done to entice a horny Lloyd to the bedroom.

The first idea that came was merely asking him, going up to him and saying “Do you want to have sex?”. The idea was simplistic and for a brief moment you liked it, it was straightforward and gave you an answer.

Then you realised how unattractive it sounded.

How unattractive you sounded just asking for intimacy, and when you did ask where would it go afterwards?

Would you be cordial the whole time? Awkwardly asking for everything and being stuck standing, wondering what is meant to happen next?

Would he realise he didn’t want you in that kind of setting and back out.

Would he start to view you in a different light, one that doesn’t equal the supposed attractiveness of intimacy, but instead repulsed over the fact you failed at being casual during it.

The second idea was what you think is some sort of foreplay, enticing him in with a lingerie, making him hot and bothered as he stared at you, wanting to touch you but your not allowing him.

The scenario itself sounded like something from a vanilla porn movie, so it must’ve been the right idea.

There were only two problems with that idea, you know nothing about the sexiness of foreplay and you do not own any lingerie.

Though, perhaps the lingerie could be substituted with your bra and underwear. There would still be little left for the imagination and he’ll still be able to take it off.

The last idea that entered your brain was to hide. Not some sort of intimate fantasy where you hide and he seeks you with the rewards of hot and hard sex afterwards. But actual hiding.

Concealing yourself in some realm far away from here with only books to keep you company. So you can immerse yourself into a world not like your own, where the sex scenes fades to black and you never have to know what the characters did together.

You wanted to hide in a world where you could read about mythical creatures, characters going on adventures together, sentient animal sidekicks.

In that world you wouldn’t have to worry about the prospect of being intimate.

But your not in some fantasy world where if you didn’t want to read a smut scene you could merely skip over chapters, or select books that don’t include those types of scenes.

You couldn’t turn over a page and be done with it. You had to face it.

Blankly staring at your desk, you decided to choose the second idea, you just had to make a few tweaks to it.

You never realised just how many unattractive bras you owned.

It had never been a thought process to buy a bra for the seek of being attractive over everyday use and comfort.

To you, it was clear that all of the ones in front of you were bought out of comfort, and wouldn’t be deemed as an item that would turn someone on.

Sighing you pressed your hands into your face, hoping that maybe if you pressed them hard enough that when you lowered them, you’d have a fresh set of bras that looked attractive.

The scene in front of you remained the exact same.

Your arms fell to your side at the exact moment you heard your front door open. Your eyes widened at the sound, your eyes moving to the clock on your bedside table.

Five pm on a Tuesday. Date night.

You didn’t realise how much time you had let pass, you had promised yourself you’d be ready before Lloyd arrived. That you’d have the perfect romantic night of intimacy planned and prepared.

“Hi my love!” Lloyd called out in greeting, placing his keys (your spare keys that you gave to him) down “I picked us up some takeout on the way here, thought we could have a chill date tonight”

The thought of him driving through the city to grab the two of you take out brought a smile to your lips, that smile fell when you remembered you were knelt in front of all your bras.

“Shit” you muttered under your breath, quickly placing the ones you had taken out back into the draws.

“My love?” Lloyd spoke again, his footsteps moving closer and closer to the bedroom.

Loudly you hummed, a sound that to you was tense “I’m here, just..” you trailed off and continued doing your job “busy..I’ll be out shortly”

“Do you need some help?” He asked standing directly outside your door. You mentally gave yourself a pat on the back over the fact you closed the door.

“No!”

You could already imagine the confused expression that had crossed Lloyd’s face, it was mostly likely now transforming into a concerned one.

“I mean, five seconds!” You harshly closed the draw, rushing to stand up from the floor.

For a moment you stood in front of the drawer, your hand slowly moving to the bottom of your shirt.

Was now a good time for some sort of foreplay? To allow your shirt to hike up, exposing your body in an attempt at seducing him into the bedroom.

Did you need to do anything special with your hair and makeup? Was not waterproof mascara recommended so you got the fucked good look afterwards.

Or were you meant to look softer? To instead of looking fucked to look loved up, was there a better outcome?

Are you meant to be getting fucked or loved?

Lloyd gently knocking brought you out of your mental rant “My love, are you sure everything is okay?”

No. Everything was most definitely not okay. But you couldn’t let him know that.

Hesitantly you removed your hand from the bottom of your shirt, you’ll perform the foreplay later. You’ll seduce him when your not slowly entering a panic.

“Yeah, everything is okay” You stepped towards the door, finally opening it and seeing your beloved.

Lloyd was stood in front of you, a clear bag of takeout in his hands. There was no GI in sight, only a sweater and trousers.

When he spotted you, he warmly smiled at you. Would he smile at you like that if you were half naked?

How would he even look at you? Would you see hunger in his eyes, his supernatural instincts taking over wanting to make you his more than you actually are.

Or would he look disgusted at seeing your body, trying to disguise it with affection but ultimately falling out of love with you.

Your smile wavered, Lloyd noticed instantly.

“Bad day..?” He lifted his free hand to cup your cheek, his thumb stroking along the skin.

You wanted to bitterly laugh in response, you wished it was just a bad day. You wished you could actually place the blame onto something. To blame your job, some stranger who annoyed you during the day, a shopping mishap.

There was no escape goat for you to use, it was all you.

“You could say that” You lied, tilting your head in the opposite direction to his hand. You could still feel the familiarity of his touch, but you didn’t want to melt into it.

Lloyd leant forward to press a kiss to your forehead “Then let me take care of you..”

You blinked at him, forcing yourself to smile in appreciation.

Would he say those words to you, when your naked in bed, completely at his mercy, waiting to see what he’ll do.

Would he whisper those words when you can barely function, your body hurting after losing your virginity, torn between crying and fulfilled.

What is even the proper response after sex? Is the partner meant to take care of you, or are no words exchanged as you leave to pee and take in the mess that was now left behind.

What would the mess look like?

Your friends never disclosed what happened after sex, only what occurred during.

You loudly swallowed in hopes it’ll drown out your thoughts “Thank you Lloyd..”

Lloyd gave your forehead another kiss and brought you in for a hug, your head resting against his shoulder.

You closed your eyes into the hug and made a decision that you promised yourself you wouldn’t regret.

After dinner, you were having sex with Lloyd Montgomery Garmadon.

Even if the thought terrified you.

Your thoughts were an endless whirlwind as you spent time with your boyfriend.

Every little thing he did, you wondered would that remain during intimacy.

Would he still hold your waist during it? Would the touch remain light or would it be harsh, reminding you of his presence.

Would his kisses change? Would they be slow and steady or would they be heated, a rush of teeth and tongue that was supposedly meant to feel good.

During dinner your thoughts became louder, the invisible timer to the inevitable starting to run out.

Had you bought the right condoms? Were there even a right kind of condom, sure you knew there were different sizes. You awkwardly found that out as you pretended not to browse the selection, silently praising the fact self checks existed.

What size was Lloyd?

You wanted to cover your face in embarrassment at the thought, he was sitting directly opposite you, smiling as he recounted a funny moment during training with the ninjas. And here you were, trying to imagine to size of his dick.

What if he had an abnormally sized on, would it still fit? Would he fit inside you? Would it hurt more if the size is bigger? Would it result in more blood?

You almost shuddered at the thought, you really did not want it to hurt, you didn’t want to bleed and be in pain. But according to everyone that was the normal.

Pain supposedly equals pleasure.

But how could to drown out the pain to make him feel good?

“[Name]?” Lloyd’s hand settled ontop of yours, you instantly jolted at the unexpected feeling then wanted to scream at yourself.

“Sorry” You apologised, lowering your gaze to the table, eyeing your uneaten food “Sorry, I was just..lost in thought”

“Would talking help?” He brushed his thumb along your knuckles, offering comfort, you appreciated the gesture.

You would rather not talk to him about how your overthinking the size of his dick.

“It’s okay” You dismissed with a shake of your head, staring at your food one last time before deciding you had lost your appetite “I’m gonna head to the toilet real quick”

Lloyd mouthed the word okay, giving your hand a squeeze them let it go.

You rushed out of the room as if everything was burning down. To you, it was.

Why did you have to overthink this? It was just intimacy, no one else was making a big deal about it. Everyone talks about it like it’s normal, sex it is normal.

It is a normal humanly function and all you needed is to get out of your head and find the pleasure.

You decided to take a detour to the bathroom, arriving to your bedroom. You hesitated in front of the door before opening it.

Exhaling through your nose, you glanced around. Your room certainly wasn’t movie quality sex scene material, but you doubted any room could actually look like that.

Slowly you stepped to your mirror, staring at your reflection.

You didn’t think you looked desiresble, especially not right now, how was one meant to look before being fucked?

You side stepped to your vanity, grabbing out the two necessities you thought you’d need. Non-waterproof mascara and lipstick. With the two makeup items in hand you returned to the mirror, deciding to do your mascara first.

Your hands shaked as you moved the brush to your eyelashes, doing gentle strokes along your lashes. You watched as the mascara started to make your eyelashes bunch together, the noticeable became more and more with every stroke.

But that’s what you wanted. That’s what every main character looked like moments before sex, it made them look desireable to their love interest.

You wanted to be desirable to your own love interest.

Once you decided the mascara looked enough, you moved onto the lipstick, glancing down at the shade that was once again meant to make you look seductive.

You parted your lips as you brushed the lipstick on, pressing them together to make the colour more presentable.

When you placed both makeup items down, you returned your gaze to the mirror. While you looked ready facial wise, your body was yelling a different story.

If anyone caught sight of your face they would be ready for intimacy, following you into the bedroom, preparing to ravish you. If they glanced down those feelings would instantly disappear.

Nervously, you began to lift your shirt up, careful to avoid ruining your makeup. The next to go were your trousers, and finally you were left standing there in your bra and underwear.

You blinked at your reflection in the mirror.

You should’ve been smiling to yourself, excited about what to come next. You should’ve been bouncing to the bed, settling yourself down in a sexy position and hollering Lloyd over.

That wasn’t how you felt, you didn’t feel all those thoughts rush out of your head, you didn’t start to rush to the bed, you didn’t start to feel giddy.

The thoughts only intensified, because now it felt real.

You were stepping into a world you were unfamiliar with, you had no map to direct you, no instruction guide to follow, no written foreshadowing that made you know that everything would be okay.

You didn’t know if everything would be okay, you didn’t know if everything would change in one single night, you didn’t full know what you expect.

You didn’t want to know.

But you had gotten this far, you were already partially undressed and had makeup on.

You gave yourself one last look in the mirror, uncertain if it was one of reassurance or your fight or flight activating.

Whichever it was, it forced you towards the bed, your footsteps sounding louder than they actually were. Slowly you settled yourself onto the bottom of the bed.

“Baby!” You called out, your voice sounded confident, like you knew exactly what you were doing. Your legs on the other hand were anxiously bouncing.

Lloyd’s reply was instant, he was already standing from the table “Yes my love?”

Now was your moment, to fulfil the next step of the relationship. You ignored how your legs continued to bounce, your shaking hands resting ontop of them.

“Can you come here, I have something to show you”

While you didn’t get a verbal response, you could hear his footsteps approaching, the noise becoming a constant echo in your ear the closer he became.

You adjusted your position, trying to push any thought entering your mind out.

You didn’t want to think whether you’ve shaved well enough or not.

You didn’t want to think whether you picked the correct colour bra or underwear or not.

You didn’t want to think of you needed to change your hairstyle or not.

You didn’t want to think how much it might hurt.

Your thoughts were silenced when Lloyd appeared in the doorframe, his eyes widened at the sight of you, half naked on the bed.

All for him.

This was all for him, for the thriving relationship, this was the natural progression of a loving couple.

Lloyd’s face became flushed, it was clear your appearance was effecting him, that he likes what he see’s. That’s good, that was the ideal reaction you wanted.

He smiled at you as his gaze traced your undergarments, appreciating what his view was. His eyes halted at your legs, they hadn’t ceased their nervous twitching.

You watched as the flush in his face lightened and his eyes returned to the respectable position of your face.

“We really don’t have to do this, if you don’t want to” Lloyd reassured, remaining in the doorframe, not even daring to walk closer.

You stared upsettingly at him, of course you wanted this, this was the much needed progression.

“I do” You nodded at him, shifting your legs to try and get them to stop their frantic movements “I’m just..a little bit nervous”

“About?” He tilted his head, and you assumed it was so obvious why you were nervous.

“Because it’ll be..you know..our first time” You thought you would’ve sounded more excited saying that sentence, but inside you only felt dread “I would think you’d be nervous about it too”

“I am” Lloyd nodded instantly “I just need to know you actually want this”

You wanted to chuckle under your breath, but instead you scoffed “I wouldn’t be half naked and dolled up if I didn’t”

“That doesn’t mean consent” Your lover stepped into the room, but didn’t move closer to you, he remained near the wall. Giving you space “And saying you want sex compared to feeling it, are completely different”

“I’m ready, both ways” You countered, frustration slipping into your tone.

You didn’t imagine this to be the foreplay, disagreeing with Lloyd over whether your ready or not. Unless it’s sexy to start intimacy through a disagreement?

“That’s not what your body language is saying” He gestured to your body, once more going bright faced at your lack of clothes.

You rolled your eyes at him “Your reading way too much into it, it’s just nerves”

“[Name]..” Lloyd whispered, the voice along rendering you silent, you lowered your eyes at the use of your name.

Lloyd stared down at you, and moved across the room, lowering himself in front of you, his hand resting against the mattress directly beside your bare knee.

“We don’t have to have sex today [Name]” He meet your gaze with a reassuring smile,

“But I have too..” You muttered, lifting your legs into the bed, pushing your head into your thigh, wanting to hide yourself from this embarrassing reality.

“You don’t..”

“I do” You tore your gaze to his, narrowing your eyes, the same eyes that were filling with tears you’ve been keeping back for days. Maybe even years “It’s the natural progression of everything, it’s literally the normal in every relationship. Every couple has sex and every couple enjoys it..so that means I have to enjoy it”

Lloyd stared back at you for a few silent moments, his mind racing to figure out what to say “You shouldn’t want to have sex all because it’s the right thing to do..”

“Then when?” You loudly argued “When am I meant to want it? How am I meant to know I want it? How am I meant to know how to initiate it, to look sexy during it, to not fear it, to not have to question whether I’ll still look attractive to you after it, to know what I’ll like and won’t like, to know how to behave afterwards”

The tears properly spilled during your words, your mascara running down your face. You wanted to have ruined mascara due to the intense satisfaction of intimacy, not because your actually upset.

Lloyd brushed away your tears “We learn them together. We learn what we like, we learn how we initiate it, we learn what we do afterwards and you’ll always be sexy to me..no matter what”

You metely stared at him, already knowing his effort to wipe your tears away were useless with how quickly they were flowing.

You let out a small hiccup sob and leaned forward, leaning into him for a hug. Lloyd caught you instantly, wrapping his arms around you and kissing your temple adoringly.

“It scares me Lloyd..” You whispered, feeling the sudden relief of saying what you actually thought be lifted from your shoulder.

“Why does it scare you?” He softly asked, tilting his back to look at you, briefly glancing to make sure you were comfortable on the bed.

“It’s supposed to hurt” You uttered “How can something that is meant to bring pleasure cause pain..? How can bleeding mean being in love..?”

“Oh, My love..” He pressed another kiss to your temple.

“Everyone says that sex is enjoyable, but how can it be when I have something inside me..stretching me out and doing something that I physically cannot imagine how it’ll feel”

Lloyd held you tighter, your face resting against his shoulder as your tears stained his sweater. You hoped the mascara would wash out of his sweater.

“How can I enjoy something where I have the possibility of getting hurt..” You whispered, sighing into his shoulder when his hand rubbed up and down your back.

You felt naked, completely bare in front of him, even though you still had your undergarments on.

“How can I focus on the ‘pleasure’ when all I’ve ever heard about are the negatives” You closed your eyes, hating the feeling of your mascara sticking to your skin.

Who had made the decision that heaps of mascara was the equivalent of looking sexy.

Lloyd gently shushed you, bringing you closer with a firm touch of his hand “I’ve got you [Name]..I’ve got you..”

You opened your eyes and focused on a wall, there wasn’t anything exciting about it, just a plain part of your room that was bare of decoration.

Was that what people do during sex? Focus on something else so they didn’t overthink the unpredictability of it all. You didn’t want to force yourself to stare out into oblivion.

“What if…what if I never want it Lloyd..” You quietly questioning, finally saying the words that have been building up in your chest for years.

Could you ever silence the thoughts, ignore the intense sex stories, filter out the negatives and actually do what needed to be done?

And if not, did that mean your relationship is doomed?

“Then we won’t do it” Lloyd did not hesitate with his answer, to him it was the only one that existed.

Your gaze moved from the wall to your lover, surprised by the understanding “But what if you want to..?”

“You matter so much more” He softly smiled at you, leaning down to rest his forehead on yours, his nose brushing against you “We might have sex one day, or we might not. Our relationship will never change, no matter the outcome”

You shakily sighed, your breath ghosting against his lips “It’s meant to be the next step..”

“The next step for what? What would it prove?” Lloyd questioned, raising his hand to delicately touch your cheek.

“That we’re compatible”

“We are compatible”

“I don’t know, everyone says that it’s meant to prove that couples are compatible or something similar” You defended, leaning your head back from his slightly.

Your friends never explained to you what being compatible in the bedroom meant.

“Well I think whoever said that is wrong, why should intimacy prove compatibility?” Lloyd countered with a small smile, his thumb stroking your cheek. Instead of leaning away, you melted into the touch.

Your lover’s smile widened at your action and he added “Besides, I think we’re pretty intimate with each other”

You blinked at him, the mixture of mascara stained tears and bewilderment were a stark contrast to one another on your face.

“What?”

Lloyd leant forward, his lips hovering in front of yours, as his eyes glanced down to them, the silent ask for him to kiss you. Your answer was meeting him in the middle for a chaste kiss.

You couldn’t exactly understand why he choose that moment to kiss you, but you could never deny the touch.

When the kiss swiftly ended, he smiled at you “See, that was intimate”

“It was just a kiss” Your own smile grew on your lips as you leant back, a brief shiver running down your body.

“Kissing you is always intimate” He whispered, eyes lingering on your face, his eyelids closing slightly. Pure adorable explored his face “So is hugging you, holding you, talking to you. Everything we do is intimate..”

You felt the butterflies swarm your stomach, fighting with your intestines to be let free. To swarm around the room and show to Lloyd just how much his words had affected you.

“Even just sitting together..?” You questioned, your fingers moving to brush a strand of blond hair out of Lloyd’s face.

“That most intimate of them all” He pressed a ghost of a kiss to your lips, smiling into it as he did so.

You were positive you were melting into a puddle at the sheer softness of his actions.

You let out a small chuckle and properly leant back, looking down to remember that you were partially naked and Lloyd was fully dressed in front of you.

Embarrassed you gathered the courage to do another quiet chuckle under your breath “I probably look rather silly right now..”

“You look stunning” He quickly replied, his gaze diverting down to see the goosebumps forming on your arms “A very cold stunning, but still breathtaking”

You crossed your arms over your chest with a glance down. Without prompting Lloyd stood up to your wardrobe, opening the draws in search of a pair of comfy clothes for you to wear.

You leant back slightly on the bed, happy to merely watch him search to provide you some warmth. Occasionally his gaze fell back to you, each time without fail he gave you a smile.

Each smile made you want to move closer and closer to him.

Eventually, he found a long sleeved shirt with pyjama trousers and he made his way back to you.

You expected for him to place them beside you, to say that he’ll wait for you outside whilst you changed. He did not.

“Can you stand up for me, my love?” He gently asked, placing the shirt onto the bed but kept the trousers in his hands.

You stated up at him with wide eyes, but slowly does as he obliged. Standing up for him and watching as he lowered himself to the ground, still holding the trousers.

“What are you doing?” You abruptly questioned, looking down at him and debating whether you should cover yourself with yohr arms or keep them at your sides.

So far the secret third option was winning, grab all of your clothes and hide whilst you changed.

“What I said I’d do earlier, take care of you” He rested the trousers in front of you, lowering them down so you can step into them “May I take care of you..”

Was this what was meant to happen after sex? Where the lover helps redress their partner and they promise to care for them, for the rest of the evening.

If so then this being done in all the wrong orders. You did not hate that.

Slowly you nodded and stepped into your pyjama trousers, observing Lloyd as he brought them up your knees. Your underwear being concealed as he tied the knot around your midriff, making sure the trousers couldn’t fall down.

Once satisfied with the knot, he moved to grab the shirt “Arms up for me” this time you didn’t question the words and did as instructed.

Soon enough you were concealed again, you smiled when Lloyd pulled the shirt through your head at the focused look in his eyes.

When he noticed your eyes on him, he reciprocated the smile and you were the one who leant forward to initiate the kiss.

Maybe one day this’ll be how you and Lloyd will start sex. You’ll kiss and it’ll feel natural as you both head towards the bed, he’ll be gentle as he leads you down to the mattress, kissing away your worries.

Today wasn’t going to be that day, nor will it be tomorrow, or next week or next month. You may never get the urge to go all the way, you may decide your content with never having sex.

Or one day in the future it might change, you couldn’t predict what could occur. There was a list of endless possibilities.

But right now you were happy to have this be the natural progression of the relationship, to be comfortable around one another no matter what either of you are wearing.

Maybe for now you should focus on the fact that your comfortable being half naked around him, and hopeful one day it’ll be fully.

That one day you could be nude in front of him and not worry that it’ll lead to sex, that it’ll just be being nude. That it’ll be non-sexual.

Your smile widened when the kiss ended, lovingly staring at Lloyd.