creating ren

There are days when I see you there,

With your eyes the same as mine.

There are days when I touch my skin,

But it still belongs to you.

I worry about the things you’ve said,

When you used this mouth we share.

I worry about the things you’ve done,

With these hands that touch my face.

And I know that now it has been years,

Since you walked far in this skin.

But some days I catch a glimpse of me,

And you are all I see.

Oh how afraid I am. Afraid of standing still forever With no fight and no choice.  Oh how afraid I am My ambitious dreams cannot fight my familiar vision, And I am standing on the road most traveled, Watching enviously the people who cartwheel down different, more interesting roads.

Oh God, how afraid I am. But today will be the blessful, luminous day that my eyes will finally open.

Today will be the day that I will discover that I have been standing my whole life on this road,

what is your earliest memory? I may have been two or three in this memory. I remember using a lemon squeezer to make lemon juice with my babysitter. My mom was there watching, possibly recording it. Unfortunately, I do not remember the taste of the lemon juice. I’m sure it was awesome, though.

what is your favourite memory of 2012? During the summer, I had been part of Soulpepper Theatre’s Youth Mentorship Program. We explored and created various forms of art, and presented what we created in a showcase by the end of the program. I was backstage during one of the performances, by myself. A certain tune came on that was part of our performance; I always found comfort in this tune. I lay my back against the wall of the backstage and thought to myself, “I love this. I love performing.” At this moment, I discovered my love for theatre.

what do you dream of? I dream of people in my life. These people do and say strange things in my dreams, but they don’t seem very strange while they are happening. Sometimes, I’ll wake up and I’ll smile to what I dreamt; these dreams feature someone I loved very dearly. Sometimes, I’ll wake up and feel longing; these dreams feature a good time with people I miss very dearly. I suppose those are considered nightmares.

what do you see at night? The day I am about to fall asleep from.

what is your favourite song? Rebellion by Arcade Fire. Every time you close your eyes…Lies! Lies!

how do you feel about your hair? Nothing too special about the hair on my head. The hair on my face, however….

what's your favourite publication (magazine, journal, etc)? Leonard Maltin’s Movie Guide. I’m fucking lame, I know.

which artist/institution of art/collect of artists has affected your life this year? The eleven young artists of Soulpepper Theatre’s Youth Mentorship Program and our two lovely facilitators, Paula and Christian (Chrishylipps). We explored. We created. We experienced. I love those guys.

I’d be kicking myself if I also didn’t mention Arcade Fire. I want to do badass things whenever I listen to them. That has gotten me in some pretty amazing situations. I totally recommend them.

what is your favourite novel of 2012? The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. 

what is your favourite memory of 2012? Swimming in the beautiful salty waters of Cuba, feeling the warm sun on my face, leaning back and sipping on mojitos.  how do you feel about your hair? Wish it were longer, healthier and voluminous.  what's your favourite publication (magazine, journal, etc)? Rolling Stones! Love music :)

what do you see at night? I see all the possibilities, all the beauty, all the misery and i smile and cry and laugh at all of it.

best and worst thing that happened in 2012? I fell in love and had to let go.

how do you feel about your hair? I love chopping it off. In the near future, I'm shaving it. Cutting my hair is liberating. It brings change. And it helps me let go.

what is your favourite novel of 2012? the night circus by erin morgenstern.

if you were a member of a Kingdom, who would you be? If I were a member of a Kingdom, I feel like I'd be a princess. Of course, that seems like a horribly cheesy answer but I have good reason for it. To me, a princess isn't just someone who is spoiled and sheltered, a princess is someone who learns and grows despite being raised a certain way. I guess, in a way, a princess makes me think of how we aren't really locked into one future, no matter how much we may seem to be. Even if the things were were raised to do remain the same, our behaviour and our way of dealing with and creating those things do not have to. I grew up being given so many wonderful things and being protected maybe more than was good, but I don't think that kept me from learning more about myself and still becoming the person I am right now.

what is your favourite song? My favourite song is The Coldest Heart by The Classic Crime. I listened to it constantly during a tough time in my life and it always seemed to understand me more than I even could. "A couple years and I'm a silhouette, my halo is broken now and I'm all that's left. I hate to disappoint but it's the way things went. I was blind to the things I did, and deaf to what was said." Even now that I feel so much better, it's like looking back through a window and seeing every feeling right there, staring back at me.

what is your earliest memory? The white sands and the crystal clear sea. Nah I watched my memories on VHS.

what is your favourite memory of 2012? First time I talked to "him"

what do you dream of? Creating my dreams/ Become an Animator

does anyone dream of you? Not that I'm aware of / This girl who I knew

have you ever encountered death? Accidents and Suicidal thoughts/ Nope still Alive

what do you see at night? Darkness and my red lights from the clock / different

perspective of my pillow

if you were a member of a Kingdom, who would you be? The Wizard or the Artist / the castle itself 

what is your favourite song? Poker Face / Migraine

When the darkness takes my shadow away,

I remind my self of my dreams. 

There is beauty I want to create and I'm not leaving

until I do. 

We're going everywhere.

When I glare at you, I’m most likely jealous. it’s because you’re smiling when I can’t bring myself to. Sometimes, sorrow consumes bliss. I find that taking life too seriously hurts us so I laugh at my pain, and yours. Let’s laugh at our pain together, because the one useful thing i’ve learned in origins of theatre tutorial is:

“Life is a comedy if we think about it, but life is a tragedy if we feel about it.” — Henri Bergson

Dear Stranger,

I’m sick.

Sincerely,

I am not just any other person

When I was younger, a simple mention of the word strangers would give me the image of a dark, clouded figure. I’d be struck with anxiety and think only of danger; of something to be both feared and avoided. I used to avoid strangers at all costs and if I couldn’t, I would glare at them to seem as tough as I possibly could. Of course, due to how young I was, my fear was probably a good thing. As I got older, however, it sometimes made things difficult.

If I needed help with something, I often struggled for long periods of time instead of simply asking a stranger. I feel like my fear fed into my shyness and created an internal monster. I knew that nothing bad would happen if I asked the person next to me on a crowded street for directions, but the monster advised against it. It told me I could find the place on my own and, yes, I could. The only problem was that I found the place after circling the area a dozen times when one simple question would have had me there within minutes.

When I began to work my shyness, the fear of strangers began to weaken. I went to Venice and Paris this October and met some very nice people. In Venice, I was eating pizza and a woman standing next to me suddenly asked if I liked it. She was visiting from Australia and had found this restaurant by accident during her first visit. The first experience made her write down the address just in case she ever came back. There was a time when I wouldn’t have carried on a conversation with her but I’m glad I did.

In Paris, my mom and I were talking on our way to the subway and this woman came up to us and asked us if we liked the city. We laughed at how obvious we were as tourists and then began a twenty minute conversation with her. She was also from Canada but moved to Paris where she met her husband. She was telling us about what it was like to move from so far from home and we even got a few funny stories about her new family. 

Strangers can be scary but that’s no reason to write them off. There are good people in the world who have interesting stories to tell. I still hesitate when asking for directions but I’m working on it, one pizza place and subway stop at a time.