Go Pack Go

I wish Emilia had said, “I forgive you, and your feelings mean a lot to me. But I need to focus on political responsibilities right now. And to be honest, I’m still figuring out friendship. It’ll take a while to sort out how I feel. And I can’t guarantee you’ll like the answer. I need to know you’ll respect that.”

I mean, that would have been a bit out of character. That kind of response requires a little more experience and self-confidence than she has. But if she could have said that, or if another character had said something like that on her behalf, I’d be more content.

It’s frustrating that, even though Subaru has grown a bit and apologized satisfactorily, he still thinks that his relationship with Emilia is guaranteed. He’s willing to be patient and give her time to fall in love with him, but he doesn’t consider that maybe she won’t. He says a lot of the same things Rem said to him before he shot her down. Yet he thinks he’ll fare better with Emilia than Rem did with him. 

To say “I’ll let you arrive at your own answer, because it should be the same as mine” isn’t romantic. You don’t get to dictate you crush’s thoughts. And you don’t get to assume that if you do all the right things, they’ll end up with you. Sorry. I know relationships are scarier and more vulnerable when the outcome isn’t guaranteed, but that’s life. Trust me, if the girl’s the sweetheart you think she is, she doesn’t want to break your heart, but her heart’s important, too.

By assuming that Emilia will fall in love with him, and telling her so, Subaru’s putting extra pressure on her (as if there wasn’t enough pressure and confusion in romantic relationships as it is). It feels really, really good to be loved—or even just to be admired. And when it’s your first time getting that kind of special treatment from a guy… it’s amazing. But it also clouds your judgment, and it makes it hard to tell what you’re attracted to—the feeling of being cherished, or the guy himself, or both. Sorting through feelings is difficult. And being told what your feelings should be doesn’t help. 

As a guy who’s had girls do this to me (and one who did it to me this week), I can tell you that it’s the most heartbreaking thing, to have feelings for a girl and not be given the time of day because “let’s just be friends.” This is part of the reason why “nice guys finish last.” Because nice guys say “okay, let’s be friends.” Whereas the aggressive guys use their charm or their body to force their way into the relationship.

I sit here feeling like a girl is special to me. The girl sits there, feeling that I’m no different than the 200 other friends she has on Facebook. Who’s the one being selfish here?

There’s a difference between “let’s just be friends for good” and “hold up, I don’t know what to think about you yet, and you’re making me uncomfortable with the way you’re rushing into romance.”(Or “hold up, I haven’t even figured out Level 1 friendship yet—I’m not ready to try something as advanced as romance with anybody.”) I’m not advocating indefinite friend zone. That’s not fair. A guy needs an answer. And a girl needs to feel safe enough to give an honest answer. So I’m advocating patience, gentleness, and respect with the end goal in mind: both parties have a chance to decide whether or not this is a relationship that will last. A relationship based on charm and aggression will start fast and more often, but it won’t end well.

(Side note: Subaru friend-zoned Rem… or side-kick-zoned her… or something like that. I guarantee it’s painful for girls, too, though I haven’t experienced it myself.)

Okay, we’re both taking things really personally right now. I’ve been in a situation where the guy’s feelings for me were stronger than mine for him, and it was a challenge to sort out what I felt—to give him a chance without worrying about leading him on. It wasn’t his fault: he was respectful, all-around-great, and did almost everything right. From the beginning, I made it clear that I was still figuring out whether I wanted a relationship period, let alone a relationship with him. I wanted to give him a chance, to give us a chance. So I did. And it was enjoyable. But I spent a lot of the relationship worrying about whether or not he was protecting his heart, even though I knew that was primarily his job, not mine. There were times when I wished we’d been just friends for longer—that I could have observed him surrounded by others, and perhaps learned little things that could have told me we weren’t right for each other without getting our hearts so deeply involved. I didn’t want to hurt him any more than necessary. I was worried that I so enjoyed how he treated me, I might mix that up with how I felt about him, and so lead him on. But I was always honest about how I felt. Once I figured out how I felt about our relationship, we ended it.

Oh, and this guy did a great job respecting me and the way I slowly processed feelings. I knew he’d be okay. And it was still hard for me to figure out that I wasn’t going to fall for him, then or ever.

All that to say, the reason I respond like this to Emilia and Subaru is that a girl needs to know she’s not responsible for the man’s feelings—she should be sensitive, sure, but not responsible. She needs to know that if her feelings never catch up with the guy’s, he’ll be hurt, but he’ll respect her, and he’ll heal. Because a sweet girl like Emilia knows how vulnerable guys make themselves when they make the first move. She’s the type who would take too much responsibility for Subaru’s feelings as a result, who could feel obligated to match his feelings… and maybe it would turn out fine. But maybe her feelings would never honestly catch up, and they’d both be extra hurt and extra disappointed as a result. 

I wish Emilia had said, “I forgive you, and your feelings mean a lot to me. But I need to focus on political responsibilities right now. And to be honest, I’m still figuring out friendship. It’ll take a while to sort out how I feel. And I can’t guarantee you’ll like the answer. I need to know you’ll respect that.”

I mean, that would have been a bit out of character. That kind of response requires a little more experience and self-confidence than she has. But if she could have said that, or if another character had said something like that on her behalf, I’d be more content.

It’s frustrating that, even though Subaru has grown a bit and apologized satisfactorily, he still thinks that his relationship with Emilia is guaranteed. He’s willing to be patient and give her time to fall in love with him, but he doesn’t consider that maybe she won’t. He says a lot of the same things Rem said to him before he shot her down. Yet he thinks he’ll fare better with Emilia than Rem did with him. 

To say “I’ll let you arrive at your own answer, because it should be the same as mine” isn’t romantic. You don’t get to dictate you crush’s thoughts. And you don’t get to assume that if you do all the right things, they’ll end up with you. Sorry. I know relationships are scarier and more vulnerable when the outcome isn’t guaranteed, but that’s life. Trust me, if the girl’s the sweetheart you think she is, she doesn’t want to break your heart, but her heart’s important, too.

By assuming that Emilia will fall in love with him, and telling her so, Subaru’s putting extra pressure on her (as if there wasn’t enough pressure and confusion in romantic relationships as it is). It feels really, really good to be loved—or even just to be admired. And when it’s your first time getting that kind of special treatment from a guy… it’s amazing. But it also clouds your judgment, and it makes it hard to tell what you’re attracted to—the feeling of being cherished, or the guy himself, or both. Sorting through feelings is difficult. And being told what your feelings should be doesn’t help. 

As a guy who’s had girls do this to me (and one who did it to me this week), I can tell you that it’s the most heartbreaking thing, to have feelings for a girl and not be given the time of day because “let’s just be friends.” This is part of the reason why “nice guys finish last.” Because nice guys say “okay, let’s be friends.” Whereas the aggressive guys use their charm or their body to force their way into the relationship.

I sit here feeling like a girl is special to me. The girl sits there, feeling that I’m no different than the 200 other friends she has on Facebook. Who’s the one being selfish here?