crawlingoutofmychest

There's still so much love inside of me

But so much has been lost in this war

Of trying to keep you, as well as my sanity

Lost parts of me just to hold onto you a little longer

Given pieces of myself you can never return

Now when we speak it's as though we're strangers

Almost

So much said in all of the silences

Words we're too late for

Even if you fell to your knees to declare your love

I fear too much has been done

I can never unsee what you showed me

I can never forget how disposable I was to you

Or how quickly you changed after using my energy

You got back on your feet and threw me away

But I'd be a fool and a liar

If I said standing here, looking at you I don't feel it

That I don't want everything I once thought you were

But were you ever anything close to my imagined version of you?

Maybe I loved you so hard for things you never really were

Despite all of this, everything my brain now knows

So many times I've been desperate to ask you

Why do you reach for me? Why do you return?

What am I to you? What do you see in me?

Will you ever love me? Will you ever choose me?

If this life was coming to it's end, would you call?

Would I be the only thing on your mind?

Or would you say nothing at all?

Was I your first real love? Was I ever anything more?

Are you scared to let go? Are you as attached as I?

Do you think of me often? Do you smile at the thought?

I am in despair, so many questions without answers

But if I asked you, could you hurt me or would you lie?

Would I be able to cope with the truth?

Would it be the death of this connection?

Would it finally force us to say goodbye?

Would it hurt you at all?

Will you search for me in others for the rest of your life?

Or could you live happily without me? I think you might

Perhaps this is all in my head

Perhaps you didn't fall

Perhaps I am wrong

No matter how close we became

I couldn't be seen as a broken little boy

From a torn home, with an abusive cast

When I've fought so hard to be the man I am today

To let someone into my darkness

To pray they will see it but still want to stay

To be known so entirely

I simply couldn't do

Until you

You know the void I have inside me

A devastating need to run before you do

A longing to be loved so fiercely

That I never have to question my worth to you

You have stroked my agony

Embraced my flaws

And made my darkest parts beautiful

You have made me feel worthy of love

You have helped me feel like I'm enough

You make me want to do better, be better

I melt in the presence of your warmth

My fear disappears with you

To be elevated, to simply be wholeheartedly loved

To think, I am entirely known by you

Despite promises to no longer love you

To stop this feeling inside of me that radiates throughout my veins

To say goodbye, and truly mean it

You still find your way beneath my skin

Into my subconscious, into my dreams

And we dance together, freely, as though destined

We have this moment, our hands touch

Our eyes meet

And finally my love pours into you

The yearning to collide with you so strong that you feel it coarse through your veins

We become one

As we began, somewhere in the cosmos

Stardust, atoms, that have loved one another for eons

To touch so delicately with such ferocity beneath the surface

Then I wake

We are once again in parallel universes

I can no longer feel you

I fear we will never find one another again

But I will always feel this

I thought it was to take their sadness away

To caress their soul and lighten their load

To bring joy and a small amount of hope

There's a part of me that weakens when they smile

That delights in their laughter

Like music that makes you dance

It heals the fragments of me that are fractured

That have spent years behind a facade of smiles

It turns out I was simply reaching out

Trying desperately to soothe the pieces of me

Wreckless with love, I was not

Of everything you knew I had seen

Cautious with my heart, I'd always been

Knowing all you know, could you believe

I saw my life with you

I saw our lives merging in the most spectacular way

I know now, it isn't to be

I wasn't enough, then

Perhaps there are little pieces of our souls that have to reach for one another, every once in a while to see if the love is still present.

Perhaps on the darkest nights we will still want to crawl this earth to be close to one another, to seek light.

It has torn me to shreds

Left me unhinged and desperate

Frantic and possessed

I have been rended by grief

From not being loved back

Yet I have still dismantled my soul

Brick by brick

To build a safe haven around you

So you remain unscathed by such force

In fact, I think you are oblivious

You do not know how I am engulfed

My love for you is so dangerous

It has overpowered my soul

And I have crumbled beneath the weight

A regret too hard to hard to admit aloud to you

But one that lingers, one that grows

As the days have become years too

I still miss you, you know

Although I know you were never truly mine

Despite all loves adventures

I've never managed to escape 'our' time

I still wonder if you ever think of me, of us

Of love letters never fully written

Or addressed

And a life not quite what it would have,

Or should have been

Of all the love you've found

I hope ours was the truest seen

If you ever find this note please just know

It was always you for me

In every lifetime, however far you go

I should have married you, before he