emptiness is a closet full of your old clothes
⟢ caleb/xia yizhou x reader (wc: 2.3k)
⟢ # - smut, angst, hurt/no comfort, f!receiving oral sex, just grief and sad wet fantasies
⟢ a/n - this is a really old drabble i wrote back in like… feb? march? lol i’m not that proud of it but i couldn’t stand the sight of it in my drafts anymore so here are my sad and doomed candy apples </3
⟢ cross posted on my ao3
If it hadn't been an explosion- would that have made it any more bearable? She could sleep in the same house she grew up in. Find solace in the same bed. Eat at the same table they all did. Hold on to all the keepsakes and memories inside. Nevertheless, how could she live in a house he haunts every corner of?
The word home doesn’t fit quite right in your mouth.
It’s true- there’s a roof over your head. Everything is just as they left it- as he left it. Precious photographs hanging on the walls with carefree smiles plastered on your faces, the images now leaving a bitter taste in your mouth every time you look at them. You’ve considered taking them down. Hiding from their gazes and stowing the frames away for safekeeping. You’re afraid- how long does it take to forget a face?
Surrounded by your most beloved memories, all your trinkets and pieces of nostalgia tucked away in boxes and collecting dust in the attic. It should be comforting, having tangible pieces of your loved ones left behind. This sickness gnawing away at your stomach almost feels out of place. The house is cold, empty, and lacks familiarity. You're a stranger to these walls now. Who did this belong to? Who does it belong to now?
He was here, he’s always been here, he’s still here.
He haunts every corner of this house.
Sometimes it hurts to exist in this space, all alone in the world he once loved you in. Everything feels shifted, off- wrong.
The world is happening outside your window while you’re lost in the dark trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to return to some semblance of normalcy.
It’s 9AM and the kitchen is still.
(“If you can’t decide, I'm happy to do it for you. There’s a whole recipe book’s worth I’ve memorized up here over the years.” He says tapping his temple.
“You have an early morning, don’t worry about me.”
As expected, your timid refusal is quickly dismissed. “It’s my job to worry about you, and when have I ever been too busy to take proper care of you?” His sincerity is palpable in the slight hurt you hear in his tone.
He’s peeling oranges, juice running down his fingers. Saliva pools in your mouth.
You smile despite yourself and sheepishly avert your gaze. “...at least let me help you.”)
The laundry room is a disaster.
T-shirts and hoodies- his hoodies strewn about. You move to do laundry and can’t resist the urge to inhale the faint smell of detergent still clinging to his old clothes. Cedarwood, citrus, and sweat. The scent makes you dizzy; it hugs you, comforts you, chokes you. The taste sits on your tongue. Temptation tugging at you to bury yourself in it until his scent sticks to you forever. Until it's yours.
The burning that begins to simmer in your lower belly brings crushing shame as you inhale deeply. You yearn to breathe the hot hair he exhales into your mouth, lick the sweat that drips down his neck. Zero in on every sensation he evokes by simply existing in the same space as you again.
The thought of washing it all away is inconceivable. Stripping down to your underwear, you slip his t-shirt over your head.
(“Come here.”
“Huh?” His sudden assertion pulls your attention away from your own set.
He beams at you and immediately starts to get in position. “Come sit on my back while I finish this set of pushups.” Confusion paints your face. Undeterred he grins, "Don't give me that look, I won't drop you now c'mon!"
You exhale a half hearted chide, “You’re so weird," standing and making your way over to him regardless.
The heat of his body seeps into every part of you that’s touching him. Feeling the movement of his muscles shift underneath you, steadily working both of you up and down with impressive ease. Beads of sweat start to drip down his face. Your mouth immediately dries up at the sight. You chew your bottom lip, silently chastising yourself for your body's automatic reaction to such a simple sight.
You picture him above you. Strong arms on each side of your head, foreheads touching as sweat drips down his temple. Bodies effortlessly sliding together as he thrusts into you hard enough to knock the breath from your lungs. Trapping you like a pinned butterfly, crushing you under his weight. Gentle smile adorning his pretty face as he ruins you for anyone else-
You’re wound so tight, body stiffening as guilt immediately washes over you.
“Don’t be so tense. I’ve got you, promise,” he chuckles between breaths.
He’s so strong, so sturdy; for himself, for the people he loves, for you. Always willing to be your pillar and the shoulder your tears can fall on.
Praying internally that your sudden fidgeting was perceived simply as an effort to keep yourself upright, you will your lower muscles to relax. The grunts escaping his mouth rumble beneath you, tying knots in your stomach. The groans send tingles down your spine and thrusts your imagination back to those long suppressed desires. You would beg on your hands and knees for him to color your body in blue and purple; leave his imprint on you every night. Mark you as his forever.)
Suffocating silence greets you as you brace yourself and enter his room. The whole world is too quiet without him. Full of cold silence without the sound of his heartbeat against your ear.
You make your way over and allow yourself to sink into and be enveloped by the comfort of his still unmade bed. To feel the soft caress of his cotton sheets. A cheap substitute for kind arms. Cold duvet wrapped around you. The closest thing you’ll ever get to being held by him again.
The burning in the back of your eyes matches the one tearing up your insides, skin prickling from the desire blooming in your lower belly.
It’s wrong. Depraved to fantasize about him this way. Shameless in your wanting, allowing mourning to warp into a gaping hunger you know will never be satisfied.
The images are so vivid. Purple on your neck. Flesh between his teeth. Prey willingly baring it’s neck in surrender. You'd willingly bleed for those loving hands. The taste of iron fills your mouth as you bite your tongue. Fruitlessly attempting to will away the sick, sharp arousal permeating your body.
You twist your body. Press your face into the pillow. A small whimper escapes your lips as the soft feel caresses your cheek and a familiar scent pulls you into a lustful haze.
(“Look at me, baby. What’re these tears for, hm?”
You love him like this- clear adoration in his eyes, unmistakable possession laced in his grip. His hand softly tips your chin up to meet your glassy stare.
“Nothing. I just miss you. All the time. Even when you’re right here in front of me.”
He kisses your temple, moves lower to kiss the tears leaking from the corner of your eye. You feel his lips move against you as he whispers, “I know the feeling all too well. I’m sorry.” A gentle hand caresses your cheek, roams down to your neck. He squeezes your nape and brings you closer, angles his face down to meet you in an achingly tender kiss.
“I’m not going anywhere. There isn’t a force in this universe strong enough to tear me away from you.”
“Liar,” you hiccup. “That’s a comforting thought though. You’re not allowed to leave without me. You wouldn’t do that right?”
“You are so, so beautiful like this.” Hungry. Lonely. A rabbit without it’s hunter. A lamb without it’s butcher. Miserable prey seeking it’s matching pair of canines.
He relishes in the thought. You’re both selfish, selfish creatures.
You want to claw at him. Etch yourself into his skin, his body; live there forever. Nestled in between his ribs where the soothing beat of his heart lulls you to sleep every night. Until you’re indistinguishable from one another, inseparable. Two souls housed in one body, destined to burn out together until you’re returned to the universe.
A sob wracks your body as you reach for him and crash your lips together once more. Unable to control the trembling in your voice when you pull back, a soft whimper escapes, “You’re mine, you know that?”
“I always have been.”
He wraps his arms around you and smoothly maneuvers you both to the bed. His hand cushions the back of your head as it meets the pillow, the tension eases in your body slightly as he follows suit and sinks his full weight on top of you. He presses another deep kiss to your lips and sighs into your mouth. You’re immediately pawing at him- reaching around his neck and chasing his lips with a pitiful noise every time he pulls away. Urging him to you, inside you. Closer, closer, closer.
He senses your impatience and allows his soft tongue to gently slip into your mouth. You let out a moan the moment his taste hits your tongue. Moving between soft pecks to deep kisses; oxygen is trivial, you would let him steal every breath left in your lungs. Mindless and ravenous, you imagine him swallowing you whole.
“Closer, please- need you.”
You almost regret those words the second they come out as he moves away- until he starts tearing apart every layer separating you both. A thick haze begins to settle in your mind as his hands return right where they belong. His tongue and lips descend on you and begin to follow a line down your middle, slowly teasing you as he finally reaches the damp fabric of your underwear.
He presses a feather light kiss below your navel and looks up at you with flushed cheeks and stars in his eyes. “Precious thing. What am I gonna do with you?”
“Anything you want,” you rasped. Pleaded. “Anything.”
“You wouldn’t say that if you knew half the things I’ve fantasized about doing to you,” he murmured. More kisses follow southward. He runs his nose down to the wet spot and inhales . He shudders. “You’re the most important person in my life. Those thoughts scare me sometimes.” Puffs of air tickle your skin as he chuckles. “Do you have any idea what these hands could do to you?”
You shake your head. “I belong to you . Use me as you see fit, tear me apart,” you beg. “Nothing you do could ever scare me.”
A broken noise escapes him.
“You ruin me, angel.”
He hides his conflicted expression by lowering his head again. You tremble as he licks a firm stripe up the fabric of your underwear. He kisses right where you’re pulsing. Breathes where you’re empty and toys with you until the cotton is completely soaked through. The heat is unbearable, your fingers find his hair and tug.
“No more.”
He kindly grins, a condescending tone dripping from his voice, “That’s not the way you’ll get what you want from me,” he turns and kisses the inside of your thigh. “You’re my good girl, yeah? So ask me again. Nicely.” Another kiss then a sharp pain that shoots right to your clit; flesh pinched between his teeth. A warning.
“Please.” Tears are forming anew in your eyes. “I want it. Please, please. Can’t wait anymore.”
You flinch as the unexpected sound of ripping fabric reaches your ears. His grip tightens as tosses your legs over his shoulders and manhandles you closer to him. The sensation of his tongue sends a sharp jolt of electricity through your whole body as he laps tenderly at your skin. Licking teasing strokes up and down your slit before suckling hard on your clit. Pressing into you hard. Kissing away the ache.
It punches the air from your lungs and sends your back arching off the bed. You attempt to squirm but Caleb is faster than you, fixing you with a bruising grip as he anchors your hips down onto the bed.
You’ve never known complete euphoria like this; and you never will, not unless Caleb is the one giving it to you.
He moans against you as he begins eating your cunt with the fervor of a starved animal. Prodding his tongue at your entrance, creating an obscene mix of saliva and slick. He drinks it all in, drinks you in. Drowns himself in your body, works your pleasure as you let out choked sobs and urge him in as far as he’s willing to go.
He’s merciless as he steadily brings his fingers to your entrance, softly opening your body to him. Carving himself into your heat, feeling you flutter around him like a wild heartbeat. Tasting you with ardent fervor and working a steady rhythm that sends your eyes rolling into the back of your skull.
You know you can only endure this merciless torture for so long, as the pressure begins to crest. You reluctantly chase the feeling, desperate for release, and already mourning the loss of his touch.
The force of your orgasm shatters you completely. He holds you through it all as the shock waves make it's way from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. Pleasant fog settles back in your mind, as you faintly recall the feeling of Caleb’s warmth momentarily shifting as he brings your lips together to feed you the taste of your coupling. His murmured words rumble against your lips, trembling with barely concealed emotion. Reverence you feel down to your bones.
“My baby.” he croons, “I’ll come home to you every time. No more tears.”)
Cold sweat and tears soak the sheets that once held the both of you as you dreamt.
His bed was going to be your tomb.
