regret in its purest form

vaguely working on a vampire comedy about a group of vampires dealing with the death of their sire, not because they're mourning him, but because they're rapidly realizing that a lot of the Vampire Rules were him just straight up fucking with them

what do you MEAN we can go out in the daytime, he just didn't want his neighbors to notice that he had half a dozen twinks in matching outfits hidden in his basement???

YES it’s about the stark absurdity of looking back on an abusive situation you thought was normal YES it features a scene where a bunch of vampires in anachronistic formal wear try a ton of off-brand sodas from the dollar store to see which ones make them puke

Turns out that vampires aren’t weak to garlic, The Sire was just allergic and if he couldn’t enjoy garlic bread then nobody could.

when u look at 2017 and think “oh that’s only like 3 years ago” and it’s actually 12,000 years ago and everything is gone and everyone you know has been reduced to ash and the world is completely different

they call me an undercover agent. the way i’m. under the covers :) cozy in bed :)

they call me a sleeper agent the way i. well. i shan’t say.

vampires are so full of shit. "oh the human race is beneath us, you're just livestock to us" I don't think you know what livestock is. do you feed us? care for us? protect us from predators? no. you just slink around dark alleys and ambush people. that's not what a higher being does. that's a bottom feeder. a parasite. karate punches your head off

Hey bro on a scale of nothingburger to everythingbagel how would you rate our gay sex last night

crotch is literally the most comfortable place to lay your hands. especially with thighs pressing on them. but im scared people will think im a pervert of sex

the way trump is talking abt hillary makes him sound like a scorned lover lmao what if monica wasn’t bill’s only side bitch??

you gotta be fucking kidding me

so how's that "running half the internet on amazon's servers" thing going for everyone.

hey so how's that "running half the internet through cloudflare" thing going for everyone