let's get mindful

i’m stuck in a loop. i have all these assignments due and i can’t study or work because i’m too scared of fucking it up. then comes the moment where i have no more time to waste, and the anxiety sky rockets and i feel like i can’t breathe. what does that mean? depression symptoms. motivation gets lost and suddenly i don’t want to do anything. i’m trapped.

people always equip this procrastination to “laziness” and it’s what i constantly tell myself, too. there’s nothing wrong with you, tiyana. you’d just rather watch tv all day and that’s why you’re not going to amount to anything. you’re just fucking lazy. 

it’s not laziness. if you could experience what i feel, you would understand that, too. the fear of failing is so instrumental that you don’t even want to try. i can’t paint a word picture of what it’s like to feel like you’re absolutely fucking worthless. i can’t express what it’s like to base your entire self-worth on your grades. everybody around me keeps telling me that i’m smart and that i need to stop putting so much pressure on myself, and fuck do i ever wish i could believe them. 

i have such big dreams for myself, and i want to achieve them so badly but this makes it so fucking hard. no matter what i do, i’m not good enough. no matter how hard i work, i will amount to nothing. unless i get 100% on every single fucking assignment, i’m going to fail. this is my brain, all the fucking time. people think i’m being dramatic but i couldn’t be any more serious. i’m always trying to prove myself wrong, but i never do enough to succeed in doing so.

The world feels as though it’s fading around me. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to do anything. I’m too scared to try anything out of fear of failure. I am a failure. I believe it again. 

This is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. Highs and lows. When I’m in the best part, I always tell myself I’ll be able to handle the lows. I have the tools and skills that were given to me in therapy, so that when I’m struggling I know how to pull myself out of it. Too bad I didn’t know how difficult it would be. Too bad I didn’t know I’d hardly be able to pull myself out of bed in the morning, let alone being mindful enough to use my skills.