From Atoms to Elephants and Beyond

This will be a hard year. Sometimes I think I'm so inconsequential. That nothing I do or say will stick with people or that people are so fed up with me or that those people who I love, they don't think the same way for me. That me making this tally of small insignificant things to make another's life just one bit better, it won't stand against some tumultuous tidal wave of scorn and loathing and apathy that people I've known for years have towards me. For a harsh word I said decades ago or some minor infraction will paint me to them in some offkilter light and I won't ever be able to fix it. I won't ever be able to change things because only the bad stuff will stick. And the bad stuff, it drowns me more than anything.

Idk. My place, my person of refuge was always chico. Even when I hated my own home, the people in it and achool and all the bullyin, I could just go two houses over and we would spend hours among hours just laughing and making each other happy. And when we got older and the world became a different type of harsh and we were tired, we'd just hang out and things would be alright. And then sometimes the signs would show that we'd get tired of each other and we'd drift a little but never for too long. We'd always come back, refreshed and anew and still talk and hang and crack jokes.

I worry I won't find that caliber of love again. So much of the world flies along in super speed motion and everybody is caught in their own lives that I wonder if I'll ever find a good soul to be resting with. To be content. Not all the time, no no. Just enough. That I'll find somebody that even if we drift some, we'll find our way back to each other again.

God, it's so frightening. I don't know how much time I have on this earth. Nobody really does but people plan for years, right? How do I plan when everything feels like sand flowing through my fingers? I feel so inconsequential sometimes, so... on the sidelines of other people's stories and the one person who made me feel like I wasn't, he isn't here anymore. And all those people in my story have moved on and now I must find new stetting, new characters, new stories to make. How do I even start?