Disclaimer: I am a Standup Comedian and professional sarcastic asshole… so this will be laced with tons!
Anyone who truly knows me knows my diehard love for Pearl Jam. Last night was my fifth show.
I have been a yearly subscription holding member of the PJ fan club which allows the ability to enter a lottery for the off chance of being able to score a shot at a cheaper ticket plus the added benefit of possibly being at the front row…. The ever-coveted rail spot.
Listen, I know a thing or two about spending the night on a cold sidewalk in anticipation of seeing one of your favorite bands…
I’ve done it for Pink, Florence & the Machine, and Pearl Jam. We’re called superfans.
I also know a thing or two about sleeping on the streets as a homeless child so camping out for my favorite bands is a walk in the park for me.
Moving on, when I got the email back in 2020 saying I scored 2 tickets to see my #1 all-time favorite band… to say I was beyond excited is an understatement.
I was geeked to be able to share this rare opportunity with my husband who had never seen Pearl Jam but always wanted to.
Fast forward two years past this crazy-ass cold that wreaked havoc on all of our lives and killed so many of our loved ones, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and even that guy you really didn’t like at the coffee shop but you didn’t want him dead… even that guy left us…
It has been a rough two years and after an epic 17th Coachella trust me, Pearl Jam was the perfect dessert for an avid music fan.
I was geeked to get there as early as I could. I, as another sometimes douchey superfan, understood the testament of getting there early if you want the rail.
Had it been up to me, I would have slept there last night.
We showed up about 1pm and realized we might have lucked out… the line of super fans wasn’t as long as I had feared.
I will say that I did try to bribe the girl at the front of the line and she was having none of it. You know what, I don’t blame her. Depending on my mood I might have made 500$ or body slammed some arrogant bitch like myself to the ground. It could have gone either way.
We did the smart thing and brought chairs, booze, and water to wait the four hours to be let in.
The whole time we're waiting around, I’m stretching and warming up for the sprint to the front rail.
I try to make my husband understand the severity of the importance that it is to get to the front of the rail. He naturally looks at me as if I have 12 heads and at this point I do.
One has to pee, one is thirsty, one wants to apply more sunscreen and the other is stressing the importance of going to the merch table before all the limited edition posters, license plates, and sweatshirts are gone… a lot is going on when rail ego starts to set in.
in the meantime of course being the social butterfly that I am; I quickly make friends with my line buddies as we crack jokes, tell stories and offer each other sunscreen.
I look up at one point and recognize a father and son I had made friends with waiting in line… we’re talking many years ago… only problem is I can’t remember his name or the show I met them at.. was it Pearl Jam? Was it The Black Keys? I don’t remember… I let it go cause I got Rail Ego clouding up my memory and my mind.
After about 2 hours they start herding the group to the security check and wrist band applications area.. we go through a whole lot just to have those coveted spots I’ll tell you what… as we get to the security checkpoint my husband realizes he forgot his glasses in the car and worse he’s gonna have a terrible time if he wears his prescription sunglasses the whole night.
Our lovely line buddies rally for us and assure us we can get back to our spot in line... I tell him to go alone considering I’m trying to smuggle an alcoholic beverage between my legs for him and I’m the next one going through…
Of course, I smuggle it in, when you have metal in your knee the metal detectors go off every time.
So, I wait for him by the wristbanding area as the guy scanned both our tickets on my phone.
Coming towards me is a father & son duo I distinctly remember from a previous show.
I mistakenly think he’s walking toward me because he remembers me too and I excitedly wave like a child saying hi to Santa… I ask do you remember me, we were waiting in line for a show... I think Pearl Jam 2014 or 13.. and he looks at me as if I had curb-stomped a puppy in front of his grown son… he waits a second before responding but making very clear with his face that he has absolutely no effing idea who the hell I am or what the hell I'm talking about… he says to me… no I think you have the wrong guy…
I’m absolutely mortified and instead of walking away… I decided to double down and say oh come on, yeah you do.. you were with your son.. right.. he is your son I ask...
he looks at his son puzzled and they both look back at me as he says.. yeah how did you know that?
I’m trying to save face and say yeah we met! I looked different... it was while we were waiting in line...
both still very confused just nod their heads as if to say, yeah, yeah whatever you say.. crazy weird lady.
Embarrassment washed over me like a hurricane as I just couldn’t wait for my husband to get back so I could hide in the crowd.. the looks on their faces as they walked away glaring at me will live rent-free for a long time to come...
Oh, I failed to mention I tried guessing his name… I guessed Aaron but it was Jason.. which I remembered as they were glaring at me because I had a recent ex named Jason.
Husband finally gets back and we join our line crew for another 2-hour wait to be let in.
At this point you realize as time is getting closer people are talking less to one another, saying their goodbyes, or exchanging info because once those doors open it’s every man for themselves…
In true superfan fashion, the second the doors open and everyone is filed in it’s one for a speed walk down 4 flights of stairs to the concert floor. You’re taking your time but also hustling as fast as you can.
We make it… I see the glorious spot I want to take. I don’t get there in time. A group of four women sprawl out as if they were at the annual Karens convention.
There are 4 of them in 6 or 7 rail spots...
I assumed they were holding spots for friends so I only ask once if it was possible for me to just squeeze right there...
I don’t tell her the following considering she was overweight herself and I could already tell she had I hate skinny gorgeous bitches energy...
You see, I’ve recently lost 55 pounds so I’m back to my gorgeous phase which screams confident sexy bitch who owns her energy and she was not having any of me... so I move over to the two skinny white girls and figured you know what.. you’re not gonna get anything if you’re shitty to any of these women.
I was on a mission of winning them over with kindness… I sat right behind them and quickly struck up a conversation between a few of us ladies sitting facing each other. I was thrilled to finally sit after standing for so long because my knees were super swollen… there was another woman next to me with a knee brace and as rubbed my knee I say to her… Sis, I totally feel your pain... I was comfortable calling her sis because we both knew we were both Hispanic. It’s an instant bond.. regardless that I’m Puerto Rican and She’s Mexican.. In a sea of white peoples.. we are sisters.
She looks back at my knees and asks what happened… I tell her about recently having my knees MRI’d I found out I had torn my meniscus on both knees and how I had already had surgery on my RT knee for an ACL tear.
She tells me she just had knee surgery two weeks ago and I tell her she’s very brave to come to a Pearl Jam concert.. she too came early in hopes of getting a coveted rail spot.
Rail Karen 1… in her defense, this is before she became Pearl Jam Karen. She decides to chime into our knee talk and proceeds to tell us she’s recovering from breast cancer.
We offer our support and I feel as if we had turned a page with all of our bonding.
I settle in my defeat and decide.. oh well I don’t get rail this time… but, it’s so close I can smell it... it’s infuriating as well because once the concert started she was also an obnoxious over the top rail person who blocks everyone’s view behind her.
So as we’re sitting there rail girl gets up to use the restroom, we tell her that her spot is secure… her other friend almost sits on her drinks if it were not for my intervention…
I will fess up. I did see an amazing opportunity to do a good deed in hopes that it would soften their Elsa Frozen white hearts... I was excited to tell Rail girl when she got back about how I saved all of her expensive ass booze and her merch from being soaked.
She thanked me profusely and we all started talking again.. my Mexican sis asked what I did and I happily told her I’m a standup comedian.. thankful rail Karen asked me how did I decide that and I told them the truth that after my parents died before I finished HighSchool and being homeless at the age of 16 will put you down some weird paths… and honestly I’m not sure if she wasn’t equipped to hear such awfulness or she felt guilty that she wouldn’t move over literally 4 inches so I could stand at the rail… she thanked me for saving her drinks and then proceeded to turn her back on me once the opening act started…
I decided to stay seated because my knees were already sore and I need to conserve my energy since I wasn’t going to have the rail to support me the whole night….
During the opening act, the guy to the left of the Rail girl asked if I was ok and I said yes and I thanked him for his kindness in asking and it finally occurred to me that the guy standing to her left was not with her as I had thought all along…
I still stood behind her for most of the show anyhow because I was there with my husband and wanted to have this experience with him. So I settled for second best and did my best to enjoy the show with hubby.
Pearl Jam was sensational despite the fact I wasn’t where I wanted to be and the few times I turned to watch my husband thoroughly enjoy Pearl Jam the way I love them made my night.
With about an hour left of the show, my husband had to use the restroom and said to me if I don’t make it back, get to the rail and enjoy the rest of the show…
I had to make my move.. the guy to the left had left a gap wide enough for a hand…
So I placed my hand on the rail and bent over to express that I was resting in between songs and the sweetest Angel in the world said to me, are you ok, I say no my knees hurt and I have nothing to lean on… he looks at me and says.. you poor thing, you can stand next to me… my face lit up and I thanked him and shoved myself between him and now… this is where she becomes Pearl Jam Karen and the Caucasity of the next few lines will enrage any human.
Please please please, keep in mind this is the same woman who told me she just recovered from breast cancer and is all about peace and love…
No, Pearl Jam Karen.. you are for you and you alone.
The demeanor in her when she realizes I’m at the rail is instant. She starts bumping into me even though I’m still bent over in pain.
I take full posting at the rail and force her over two inches and she says to me.
PJK: are you ok? Why don’t you leave if you’re not feeling well.
ME: I would be fine if I was allowed to have something to support me so I can enjoy the end of the show, without my knees hurting me.
You had the rail for most of the show with plenty of room for other people up here.
PJK: This is not cool...
ME: what’s not cool...
PJK: you being up here.
ME: Why not, what’s the problem?
What happened to your kindness and compassion? I told you I was in pain…
Are you really going to become the Pearl Jam Karen and be famous all over Twitter?
PJK: it’s the principal, we got here at 9am
ME: and I could give a Fuck about what time you got here. I’m in fucking pain and you want to be a petty bitch because you got here early, STFU before I body slam you with two broke knees!
She finally shuts the Fuck up and I get to enjoy the final act of Pearl Jam’s epic set exactly where my heart had desired front center stage rail… the stuff dreams are made of that white Karens are determined to destroy.
It’s not over though… my husband knows me well enough to know I’m going to stand at the rail in hopes of getting a setlist or something else memorable and I don’t plan on being disappointed…
Pearl Jam is taking its final bow and as they get close enough to see those of us on the rail I am making eye contact with the one and only legendary piano player Kenneth E Boom Gaspar!!!!!
I yell, point, and make a heart to tell him that I love him and he decides to toss me his wristband!!!!!!!!!!!
As I’m yelling thank you to him, I could feel the eyes of the four Greedy Pearl Jam Karens staring at me and I turn to them and the fat one says to me… Don’t you worry, you’ll see... Karma’s gonna get you.
I laughed right in her fat face and said actually Karma got all four of you tonight. The guy next to me who let me stand with him at the rail got something… as did I. Remember sharing is caring ladies.
I turn around to shake my savior's hand and thank him again… he’s kind to me as he shakes my hand in return… he pauses and says to the four… it was a real bitch move to hog up all the rail space… not getting anything from the band… that’s Karma.
Long story short kids with great Rail power comes great Rail responsibility.
Even as a super fan that usually in the past has been a little bitchy to people, I have never denied a person space at the rail if I could make room for them. If someone ever has had an ailment or needed support from the rail I have happily offered it to people.
Kindness matters... Pearl Jam is one of the greatest examples of a band that has always led with love, peace, and kindness towards mankind.
Pearl Jam is the definition of fighting for the oppressed… fighting for peace and love…
So to see these women behave so so poorly towards me & the other woman who was also in pain and say such nasty and vile things as and I quote the fat one “ I really hope bad things happen to you”
as I walked passed them with my prize…
It’s ok… it didn’t phase me… cause as I walked by the nasty comments…
I went through the list of horrific things that have happened to me in my life and wondered if those were the things she hoped happened to me…
I wondered if it was the years of physical child abuse I endured from 5 to 15.
The molestation at 9, 12, and 15.
The homelessness as a child and adult.
The death of both parents, losing 7 babies, being raped, sexually assaulted, and lastly surviving several suicide attempts.
I wonder if she meant that she really really hopes that one of these things would happen to me…. She’s in luck… they all did.
And you know what, I survived every single one of them not including the disastrous LA traffic my husband and I endured to get to the concert today. I've survived hell on earth just so I could ruin four Karens' night and reap the benefits of the good Karma that Pearl Jam bestowed upon me today.
I am blessed.
