Man when I was growing up and dealing with my undiagnosed, unmedicated ADHD and having the worst time, my parents would say, “If you can’t do this now, how are you going to handle being an adult?” all. the. fucking. time.
But all of my problems are actually so fixable.
My mom is out of town and asked me to take out her trash. I forgot. And when I remembered I had two seconds of freaking out before I put together a plan: I got two big plastic boxes, loaded her trash into the trunk of my car, and threw it out in my apartment complex’s dumpster. The only bad thing that happened is I had a small leak into one of the boxes, and I’ve already got that soaking with bleach in my tub. FIXING my terrible ADHD mistake took less effort than doing it properly and you are the only people who will know.
But nooooo when I was a kid it was always ~do it right the first time exactly how we expect or it can’t be done at all~. No fucking wonder I’m a mess of an adult now.
And can we talk about how “how are you going to handle being an adult?” encourages suicidal ideation as well? Bc holy FUCK
The fact is, if no one teaches you these coping strategies, if no one encourages your creativity and problem-solving, you WILL suffer as an adult - but that’s still not your fault.
SO many ADHD kids that go undiagnosed because they’re “gifted” or fly under the radar crash and burn in college. So many crash and burn trying to hold down a stable job.
This isn’t mean to be doom and gloom, it’s meant as an admonishment to parents and teachers and administrators and therapists and all other adults: if you see a child who is struggling and you do not give them coping techniques; if you do not teach them a different way to accomplish the task, or if you don’t encourage them to think up ways that work for them, you are setting that child up for failure.
I’ve had to do so much work just to stay afloat as an ADHD adult. It’s hard. Sometimes it feels impossibly hard. But I just keep trying to stick with the tricks I know work; to try out new ones, and if something is novel and works for a bit, great!! If the novelty wears off and the coping technique stops working, that’s normal for ADHD too. You are not FAILING if the thing that worked for two weeks suddenly isn’t working anymore. We thrive off novelty, period.
Some of the techniques will stick, I promise.
My parents spent years and years trying to teach me to keep track of my keys with shame.
Never. Fucking. Worked.
I’d do shit like walk around the neighborhood for two hours in winter rather than admit that my keys were lost again. And even when I could keep track of my keys, it was a constant drain of executive function points that I could have been spending on things like homework.
My husband hung little key hooks by the front door, and it worked instantly. Not 100% effective, but like 99% effective. And when my keys do get lost, instead of blaming myself, I stop and think about why the system broke and how I might need to modify it. Oh, there was snow, and dealing with boots and other outerwear distracted me as I came in the door? Yeah, that might happen. How do I incorporate key hanging into the process of wet boot removal?
as someone without ADHD but who lives with someone with ADHD who has in turn experienced all the constant parental shaming we’re talking about, the things he’s most terrified of doing or thinks i’ll get mad at him for are actually not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.
scared to use the oven in case he forgets to turn it off: ovens can stay on for a while. i’m never gone so long i wouldn’t notice and turn it off myself.
scared to forget to lock the door: who cares? we don’t have anything valuable anyone would want to steal, and they did, a locked door wouldn’t stop them.
scared to park in the garage in case he hits either wall and damages the property: yeah that would definitely suck but 1) he’ll get a scratch on his car, whoopdeedo, and 2) a garage door can be fixed. it might cost money but whatever. mistakes happen. all you can do is fix them.
scared to forget his laundry in the washer (which he’s done several times now): just wash it again.
scared to forget his meds before work: i bought him a little med bottle for his keychain so he can take a couple spares with him.
scared to forget something i asked him to do: i’ll remind him or, better yet, we’ll do it together.
scared to leave something out in the kitchen: ?? ??? i will put it away.
to me, unless something causes actual bodily harm or death, it’s not that big a deal. everything can be fixed. everything. the worst that can ever happen is that you lose time or money, and maybe it’s a lot of time and maybe it’s a lot of money, but the point is, it can be fixed. you can burn your entire fucking house down and as long as no one’s hurt, nearly everything can be replaced. no doubt it will suck and you’ll lose a few things of sentimental value, but it’s just stuff. just physical objects that you own. and the place you live is just a building. imo it’s way more worth it to live without shame or fear and make the occasional mistake/forget something important than it is to be constantly vigilant of what-ifs.
My life changed when I learned HOW to fix mistakes. When a mistake wasn’t a spiral to despair. When I finally quit trying to be perfect and decided to use my weird brain for creative solutions. ADHD brains are WIRED to be creative and beautiful problem solvers. When you accept that your can be GOOD at fixing mistakes, they become opportunities to shine instead of abuse yourself. And that’s a WONDERFUL feeling!
