better explanation, with two cups of coffee and two energy drinks.
first off, you could have had the decency to NOT include my deadname in that lmao thanks for that.
second off, when i say i grew up, i learned what I needed. not what other people did; what was best for me.
you never forced me to talk about things but log onto your old account -- look at all the messages you sent. the unprompted “i’m going to starve myself” or the “i am going to kill myself.”
i have said time and time again that we had some good parts. i have said it over and over and over again.
but that doesn’t rule out the bad.
you just don’t get it and i’m done trying to make you get it.
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It's because I hate myself, okay? It's because I'm fucking sobbing, drinking endless shots of vodka and crying over how much I hate that my life is okay right now. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it and I want you to feel better than I do because it's not fair for me to be okay when you're not. I should be suffering more than you right now. I should be.
And you know what hurts me most? Remembering how much I loved you and how I did that shit anyway.
That’s just how life goes, eh? The good people get played and the not-so-good get the fuckin’ piece of the pie.
That’s on you.
Your drinking and smoking and crying over how good your life is completely and totally on you because no one really does that. They enjoy things are going well and they take pride in it, okay? Because life is not just some fucking competition over who is the saddest and which fucker is the most pathetic. Life isn’t about sad faces and suicide attempts and how fucked up you can make a person. Life is about living and quite frankly, when I was with you (around you), I rarely did that.
You knew I shut down. You knew I refused to let my emotions take over until I thought they were going to kill me because I put you above all. You knew I did everything that a fucking tiny-ass fourteen year old could manage. A nerdy fucking kid who liked playing Dungeons and Dragons with his dad and had shitty senses but pretended to be cool for some fucked up people.
You didn’t love me. You loved who you thought I was; some weird kid that was easy to manipulate and get to bend to your every will.
“Oh, he’s a loner with daddy issues? I can make him kill himself if I wanted to! I make him believe e v e r y t h i n g I want him to!”
Keep in mind, those are reiterations of things you’ve said. Betcha didn’t know that I have a keen memory with those sort of things. Or that I write things like that down. Ooo, screenshot too! Hmm?
In an ideal world, things don’t end like this. We shake hands like some mature men, call it a day’s work, and let bygones be bygones. But I’m still a child that finds butt jokes funny. So that isn’t the way it ends. It probably won’t end at this either because we both know I just have to come running every time you call, no matter how angry I get at the both of us. But the anger is well-deserved.
You’re right.
You don’t deserve to be okay while I’m not. Because my life is a living hell currently but that’s fine. That’s great. You just live your life and I live mine. Karma will come for those who deserve it and happiness comes for those who work for it.
You know what hurts the most? I let you hurt me because that’s what love meant to me. Shitty.
Right now, I just wanted to hear from you. But I realize it's stupid.
before i do anything else, let me input your other messages so we both know what i’m referring to and when.
We both know there's nothing left in this, but I still miss you. I'd like to spend a couple hours just hanging out and making light conversation. Solely up to you- I just thought it'd be nicer than the other times. I wanna be able to talk and leave it on a nice note. I don't want to feel like it ends messy every time.. One more chance before you go to end things nicely?
I always had trouble making friends, committing time to people. It was the complete opposite for you and sometimes I think it was because you were a person I was meant to spend time with but I know that can't be true anymore. I wish I could spend just a little more time with you, still. Before you're gone..
I loved you, I so did. I still do. I can't fucking believe how much I still feel it. I remember conversations from several years ago and I think: fuck, I miss that. I miss how much my heart swelled and sped up to you responding. I miss how much excitement I felt when you got deep onto conversation. I miss how you hugged me and how you jumped on me with beanbag chairs. I miss those smiles and laughing- the snorting. I miss your weak ass singing and how your voice itself made me smile.
I really fucking love you. Sometimes I could be convinced you love me back. Won't you say something to me about it?
You need to listen, okay? I mean it; I keep saying the same things over and over and over again but just, for once, listen and understand why I’m saying what I’m saying.
I don’t know what you want from me, Rylie. I really don’t. You spend too much time playing back-and-forth and I’m fucking tired of it. One second, you’re “yes, you have issues with communication and getting over things and that’s why we’ll never work” and the next you’re telling me I have every reason to be upset because you played me like a fucking pawn in a chess game.
You say it’s just to hear from me but why? Why is it me you’re so desperate to be talking to? Why not Day or Paxton/Basil or Crys- just someone that’s not me? I never did anything super amazing or worthy of this attention or the hurt you caused, okay?
I’m not a bad person. I didn’t deserve what you put me through.
I was a kid, Rylie. I didn’t even have my own fuckin’ name picked out and I knew more about suicide than I did about English! Fucking English!
You say you loved me and that you still do, but then why did you do everything that you did? Because I don’t think you do that to a person you love. I don’t think you put them through the stuff that’s so draining they’re not even sure they can function anymore.
Your life is happy now, remember? You said that. Your life is happy! Your love life is amazing! Your parents and you are finally starting to build a relationship. All things you said. And you said I remind you of a time you don’t want remember so why do you keep coming back? If your life is getting to the point where I’ve been telling you it’s gonna get to, why do you keep coming back if I’m so traumatizing and terrible to look at? Hmm?
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#do u ever see shit like this and realize#that in the real world#this has literally no meaning#but seven thousand people on this website saw it#understood it#and then shared it with others#sometimes it just hits me (via literallyfuckeveryone)
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