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Claiming the luminous potion would make the nation strong and vigorous, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued an order Friday directing all Americans to drink a mysterious glowing liquid. “In order to end the chronic disease epidemic in this country, it is imperative that every man, woman, and child take a large swig of this wondrous concoction,” said Kennedy, who held up a corked bottle emitting a bright, almost neon, green glow and explained that the eerie liquid would be added to municipal water sources to ensure the entire populace had access to it.

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