Welcome To Me

Fabric Moths / Bumble Bees

Aries: Today your horoscope involves fire and children. The stars wouldn’t clarify anything past that.

Taurus: Too much horoscope today! You’ve got destiny leaking out your ears! Try taking a nap and waiting for this to all blow over/

Gemini: You’ve got a productive day in store Gemini. Will it be on something you actually want to do? Lets say there is some minor will enslavement involved.

Cancer: The current fashion trend of having a tiny electric train running along the brim of your hat will soon take a back seat to the tiny miniature train unions.

Leo: Things will come to a head today, it will be a sort of emotional climax. There will also be a musical climax, but it will be unrelated.

Virgo: Your desire to move in many directions at once will run into some trouble when you are drawn and quartered and your various limbs fight to see who is the Most You.

Libra: There is a bit of a somber mood over the stars today. A malaise.  Maybe you oughta tell them their horoscope for once huh? 

Scorpio:Today people may seem insensitive and crass. They are, but its because of the entity made of sentient echoes controlling their thoughts. 

Ophiuchus: Yes, finding a relationship is a “numbers game” but that makes you sound like one of those creepy pickup artist guys. Semantics man.

Sagittarius: There may be a bit of a dampen on your emotions today. Its because you are sopping wet. Absolutely sodden. Down to the heart.

Capricorn: You’re gonna show up late and miss out on the frenzy. Your friends till like you, but they did say the frenzy was going to happen at 9:30 sharp.

Aquarius: People are really on your same wavelength today. Tell em to buzz off, who said this was a public wavelength?

“Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull.” We have gien this specimen a careful and detailed examination and regret to inform you that we disagree with you theory that it represents ‘conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.’ Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the ‘Malibu Barbie’. It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it’s modern origin:

The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

The dentition patters evident on the ‘skull’ is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ‘ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams’ you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A) The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it’s normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly , we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation’s Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name ‘Australopithecus spiff-arino.’ Speaking personally, I for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to or nation’s capital that you proposed in you last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the ‘trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix’ that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe

Curator, Antiquities”

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