dog sting awareness day

the "Turn everyone into rodents now" act, as well as its proponents, have been ratified

hold on let me try to invent a version of myself who can get us out of this mess [holds really still for a minute and a half and then turns to you with a flat affect] we probably should have killed ourselves an hour ago

I'm like the arbiter from halo. Motherfucking lightning just struck my house while writing this post

t shirt that just says WHATEVER YOU’RE READING INTO MY FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AND BODY LANGUAGE YOU’RE MISINTERPRETING

Hi, I'm Dolly Fallover! Welcome to Jackass

*eminem voice* *falls into a hole in a sewer grate before saying anything*

sometimes when my mom gets drunk she goes into Liberated Women Mode, and one time she was real tipsy and while talking about her friend’s divorce, she very earnestly told me and my sister (both adults) that regardless of preference or relationship, she hoped we would both reach a point in our lives where we were having really good sex with really good people. and my sister said, “i do that now except the good people part” and i said, “sex is real?” and my mom didn’t love either of those answers

ur mom sounds hot is she single

my mom is in fact single, and if you are so determined then it’s not my fault when you find out why