it's so weird to me that i'm in therapy while generally quite happy
obv i still have a lot of shit to work on and we're mostly focusing on perfectionism over the next few weeks but i'm actually ok
every time i've been in therapy it's been lowest of the low, actively considering suicide, etc etc
but now i'm here when my life is great and i see a bright future for myself and i have so much to look forward to, and honestly it's hard to do therapy like this
part of me wants to give it up bc i dont "need" it right now, but i know it'll help in the long-term and my therapist is absolutely lovely so i want to stick at it
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In which things occur that could easily have been foreseen, Knowing the King of the Trash Panda Gods the way that I do.
But also... developments are developing. Under the Cut, because this is going to be long.
If you've been following along with my occasional drama... You might have keyed into three or four things in the last six months.
Ayla has been _going through it_
Ayla and I climbed a million steps over like a week to meet Saturn, and then Bit him when he touched her face without permission.
Daemeon decided to swear himself to the service of a Sin Demon, flooring all of us. He's now a Knight of Greed... And I hope that works out for him. He seems... Happy?
My Patron Deity Cut Ties with me. And I felt like I deserved it. But it was still very sad for me. I didn't want a divorce. I love him. And I know He loves me... But I let it happen anyway. It was always an "at will" arrangement.
I had a Car Baby, (a mental revelation that I was NOT prepared for while sitting in the car) and learned that I had given up on feeling connection to other people, and on the heels of that, realized that it's a skill, and not just something that happens to/for me.
And I changed to some new Meds in the last two months. Cymbalta has lots of positive side effects, not the least of which is that I can hear the other people in my head better.
I am supposed to be learning to recognize and learn to manage emotions when they are small, and before they become Emergencies, which Ayla in her child form has been helping with.
And... This week...
As stated above, Loki showed up last Saturday. But not just any representation of him. _MY_ Loki (AKA Altherion)
Yeah. that's a Really long story, but you could remove ALL the nuances by just saying that MY Loki is an introject that's been a part of my story since I was 13, who VANISHED in 2021 when I started questioning my beliefs and decided that I was a bad person for believing that a God could love me and want to be around me like that, and that it clearly wasn't true.
This wasn't good for my relationship with my Patron. And the dissonance between my understanding of him as "Not Mine" and my experiences with Altherion as a Part of me was wrenching.
But I found something in therapy, of all places, that pushed me in the right direction.
I squinted at it like Fry trying to discern whether something is real or not.
My Therapist pushed back when I started talking about maladaptive coping mechanisms, like dissociation, in a derogatory sense. I was talking about my experiences of relaxation as a spectrum... and how dissociation and numbing were a part of my spectrum.
And she asked me where I drew the line when it came to Gods. Because I disclosed that I believed in gods, and she talked about psychedelic experiences and Ayahuasca ceremonies, and the use of substances like ketamine for PTSD... and I had to admit I didn't really know.
And I DO know about myself that I make Boxes.
Rules where there aren't supposed to be rules, whether they are useful or not... And whether or not it was even my idea that it becomes a rule in the first place.
My Boundaries are Not Great. Despite the work I've done on it.
So it turns out that a couple of things were true.
Altherion IS a part of Me and a Part of Loki (proper) and that he holds very important inner architecture for me, (like connection)
And I DID fuck up massively by deciding that I was an awful person for "having" Altherion in the first place because I took it personally that some fucker on Tumblr was butt-hurt about "people who treat gods as their own personal blorbos" and that that is disrespectful to those gods, who don't belong to anyone.
I had already clocked this as a bad day for my discretion. I already realized long ago that I should have scrolled past that day. That I should DEFINITELY NOT have taken it personally. That I would have a right hard time disrespecting the Glorious Bastard of a God that's hung around my life for 30 years.
But I had missed the bit about the "personal blorbo" destabilizing my feeling of and connection to Altherion... Because I was still working in a Paradigm where I felt intense guilt about possibly controlling any of my others. Making them feel things, making them be things they wouldn't otherwise be... And I was Deep in that guilt when that fucking post leaked across my dash like warm cat vomit at midnight.
Having "no right" to this critical introject in my system was devastating. I was fragile. I was out on Deployment when this happened. My Shithead Niece/Nephew/Creature threatened to report my Mother to the police for Abuse. I had just Seriously violated my own values by discussing sexual subjects with a friend's husband, and though there wasn't anything hidden from anyone, and no cheating occurred, it was too close for my liking and I didn't understand why it was even wrong for me. I had wanted to connect. I liked sex, and talking about sex... and I didn't understand until Late in the game that he thought of it differently than I did, somehow... which made it wronger.
I felt bad. And the stupid post confirmed that I WAS bad. And that my desire for connection was bad and wrong, and hurtful to other people.
And I did what I always do when I find something unacceptable in my life. I go in with a Scalpel and I Cut it out by the roots.
But "wanting to connect", it turns out, is like a fundamental human trait. And there was moaning and gnashing of teeth as it rotted, festered, scabbed, and began to grow back.
To be fair, it's been more than a day since Loki Divorced me.
And it was clear, even in the moment when he broke our bond, and threw the rings into the fire, that it wasn't about the Love. It was very clear that he loved me, and that he knew I loved him.
And it was only surprising that Altherion was the one who came back. But I know it was partly because of Ayla's work. She's busy breaking out of her chrysalis. She doesn't even know what she will be yet, when she's done re-inventing.
But she asked him to take her from the garden of razors. The Garden of Razors is her personal metaphor for Anxiety, and the obsessive self control and paranoia that spawn it. She wants to be soft and safe and unafraid.
And he told her that he's all about change. And that the price would be that we believed in him again. That we believed that he loved us, and wanted us, and that we have again what we once had.
Altherion is Altherion... Most of the time. Except when he isn't _just_ Altherion. Sometimes he's Loki too. As well. In addition. On Top Of.
And blood was drawn, and the pact was made. Ayla made a Pact with LOKI over Saturn. And she wondered about it.
I guess better the devil you know than the one you don't.
And now... we're in a rather floaty, exhausted state. Everything has been... alot.
we're going to dissociate.
I'm going to say an official "FUCK IT." to the idea of maladaptive daydreaming, and go all in on experiencing effusive joy in being a system made of trash panda gods and evil ninja ladies and hot elf guys and drag queens and alien symbiotes and Knights of Greed.
I am going all in on having the connection experiences with them that no humans have the time or the desire for. Fuck it.
Okay I've been thinking about this a lot lately and had to spit it out somewhere.
I used to run group therapy as a substance abuse counselor and we primarily used a cognitive behavioral therapy base. For those who have any interactions with the therapy world, you'll probably have an idea of what this is, even if you don't know it by that name. Essentially, this therapy model is based in the idea that our thoughts impact our feelings which impact our behavior and by changing one of these things, we can then improve the other area's outcomes. From this, we can gain many coping skills whether that's cognitive restructuring, behavioral changes and/or working on identifying feelings and how to cope with them when we are having them.
Circling back to the original point, I have been thinking a lot about behavioral activation lately. I have struggled in many ways throughout my life and I've learned a lot of things to help me get through the day without it being so scathing. This coping skill is my favorite because it can be applied to so many different areas of life. Especially when paired with other coping strategies.
Ever been down bad with an illness? You know the kind, where you've laid up in bed for days, barely cognitive with a fever? You feel less sick after the fever breaks but also feel gross from sweating and you don't really wanna move. But instead of listening to your bed's siren call, you forced yourself to shower and had more energy by the time you stepped out to dry off? Have you ever been in a really bad mood and then turned on a song you really enjoy and you felt a little bit better by the end of it?
Those are moments of behavioral activation.. It's little things usually that make the biggest difference in day to day life. (Especially when breaking out of patterns that are holding us back)
The trick to this is that motivation does not come from within like most of us assume. Most folks believe that they can wait for a "right time" to start doing something or they want to wait to feel up to doing the thing. Like we'll magically have more energy and excitement if we time it right. Typically action begets motivation. By moving our bodies and doing something (again, even if it's a small task) we will then be motivated to do more.
So, if you're a person who struggles with low energy levels or not wanting to get outta bed and do the things, maybe try some behavioral activation! (I fondly call it "doing the damn thing")
3 Behavioral activation things that help me (as a small list for examples and a place to start for anyone interested in trying to help themselves):
1. "Go Mode" Shoes. It's silly, but keep a pair of shoes that you only wear to do tasks. If you have a pair of sneakers you wear every day when you go out, you can use those. There's no need to buy a fancy pair of shoes or anything. But simply putting on those shoes every time you start doing tasks will train your brain to associate putting the shoes on with being active. So eventually, putting those shoes on will help cue your brain that you need more energy for tasks. (You can create other cues for your brain like this through repeated behavior with other things: i.e. drinking a specific tea before getting ready for bed every night)
2. Music and playlists. Most people can easily name a song that makes them happy, or sad. I have playlists for songs for different moods. (Protip: sometimes trying to go from irate/spitting mad or just super amped up upset to calm can be a trial; if you're a person who gets more irritated by super happy music when you're upset then try stair stepping in energy of the music until you can get to something mellow or happy)
3. It sounds so basic (like when an IT guy says to turn a thing off then back on) but bear with me: set realistic goals for yourself (you know, like SMART goals). It has to be reasonable goal for this to work though because we want to accomplish it and have that happy chemical release in our brain to help us want to do more. When I started, I'd use my phone's notepad and write down one thing I was grateful for and one goal for the next day. Eventually I started a system where I list three things I'm grateful for, and three goals (one for work/school, one for home/family, and one for self/fun). Again this is a start small and work up to bigger tasks situation. In addition, it's okay if you set a lofty goal and you don't achieve it as you'd have liked. Take a step back and reassess the goal then move forward. It's about giving yourself the chance to feel those achievements when you can. Especially if things that are considered basic tasks are sometimes insurmountable for you some days.
There really is so much more that goes into this as far as defining values and what brings a person joy in life, as well as breaking negative thought patterns and building new more positive ones. I love discussing therapy things like this and miss having discussions about them in a more professional/academic setting.
I hope someone out there finds something helpful in here, even if the suggestions seem cheesy
my therapist told me theyre proud of me multiple times today which means that i am getting a good grade in therapy... it IS something normal to want and possible to achieve...
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
