Jesus. Okay. That was hard to read but at the same time, I wish this tidbit wasn’t tucked away in a book a lot of people won’t read (I’ve been meaning to get a copy but they never seem to have them in bookstores on my trips in, I should just order it ANYWAY).
The writers in game seem to downplay Cullen’s suffering to the point where Cullen seems entirely indifferent to what he faced. Certainly, I believe by Inquisition he has accepted what happened to him and has come to terms (mostly) with it but the long lasting consequences are still prevalent. We get one impassioned speech about his past when he is at his wits end regarding lyrium. He needn’t bemoan his trials and seek pity for what happened, he is not that man, but if you don’t actively involve yourself in Cullen’s journey, a lot of this severity of his stress and trauma can be lost in his stoic determination to remain present, strong and civil.
The ramifications of PTSD doesn’t seem as heavy as what it should be. And like someone else mentioned in a reblog (sorry I’m on mobile), fanfic writers seem to ignore this. I love Cullen happy and free and at peace but it shouldn’t come at the cost of ignoring what has ultimately shaped him as a person in the last decade or so of his life. You can have both.
I love exploring Cullen’s journey, his determination to better himself, his honesty with himself and his friends, and overcoming this obstacles by himself with the help of friends. I believe he would want at least that much–he doesn’t want anyone to fix his problems or excuse his actions but I also believe that he relies on the kindness of his companions and friends to see him through those darkest times, when he believes he cannot make it on his own (or does not believe himself worthy). This is most apparent when he fights with Cassandra about his worth in the Inquisition and when he asks the Inquisitor what he should do.
This is why I hate people who dismiss him or make him take lyrium because “haha he got what he deserved”. They don’t know all the miles he has walked to bring himself to this point, a shell of a man trying to regain some idea of self worth. To diminish him to the point where you think he is just a pretty white boy ignoring his mistakes (he never ONCE excuses what he did and actively says he knows the man he is, a man neither good nor bad but trying his best to make amends even at the risk of his own well being) does a huge fucking disservice to who he is.
I’ll admit, I get carried away with the happy feelsy fics at times, but that’s only because I do understand all the suffering he’s endured, and I know he deserves to be happy despite what his past consisted of. But like you said, I also don’t completely ignore what he went through and instead incorporate it into his character, making him standoffish at times, stubborn, suspicious, things his experiences have rendered him permanently.
Cullen is an extremely sad character, that’s a fact. His intentions from the beginning were for other’s safety and benefit, and even in Kirkwall and the Inquisition that remains true. All he’s ever wanted to do is help people, and for attempting to do so he became a shell of who he once was. In Inquisition he’s trying so hard to become that man again, understanding he’s done wrong and believing he doesn’t deserve sympathy, only for this group of people (specifically Cassandra) to reassure him that he is worth it, that he can endure his hardships and move on.
That’s why I find his relationship with the Inquisitor (romance-wise) so special and beautiful, because she loves him despite his flaws, his anger, his demons, and his addiction/recovery. The look on his face when she tells him she loves him? It KILLED ME the first time I saw it. I honestly don’t think the man had ever been told he’d been loved since he was a child by his family, and for someone he considers so above him and so worthy of awe and praise to admit she feels that way for HIM of all people; it honestly breaks your heart.
But I’ve rambled enough today. I love this man more than I love some people in real life. I see a lot of myself in him.
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*sips hard liquor from a “World’s Best Fandom” coffee mug*
Yes, you got it right, this is happening. Get comfortable there, in today’s episode we’re going to bust one of the most popular myths among cullenmancers of all time:
“Cullen can’t be a virgin in DAI because he’s hot, confident and 30”.
First of all, I’d like to point out that I’m very reluctant to the notorious image of DAI Cullen as a “chantry boy”, which basically means the face of DAI Cullen slapped on the DAO Alistair character. As ironic as it may seem the main accomplishment of forcing this image was a creation of strong belief within the fandom that the virgin!cullen headcanon is something utterly AU-ish, existing only in the minds of those who’re into virginity kink. I’m going to give you another perspective on this popular viewpoint.
I love the reference to the broken leg healing, it feels really accurate to how I’ve always seen his recovery.
This was a through and really interesting read! Thank you @commanderatherfuck for putting this together.
I guess we will never know for sure if he was a virgin or not.
Personally I don’t believe he is by the time Inquistion comes along and actually for some of the reasons mentioned above.
Cullen DA2 seems like a very dark person, clearly under immense strain, and it’s no wonder. In a few instances we see him act out of charcter to what we would expect from the more mature DA:I Cullen and he admits later that he was not himself for a time. As stated he is healing, painfully, and that is where I could see him seeking out physical contact. He doesn’t seem to want anything emotional in DA2 in his closed off state, and doesn’t appear to have visited the blooming rose, but I could see him sleeping with another Templar or someone at the hanged man. As despite everything he is human and suffering so does need some emotional support/connection and a feeling of control in his life, things which he could gain through intimate acts (amongst other things of course - but sex is often a solution or crutch for people, young men during turbulent times included). I do understand however that ptsd could make this extremely painful or maybe even impossible for him as we don’t know the full extent of his suffering in at Kinloch.
I think he sees himself in DA2 as dark, as a failure, and a broken man. While he usually holds himself to the highest moral standards i really could see him saying “fuck it” and seeking out drunken sex. I mean why not, he’s a broken faliure anyway, right?
I don’t see him being causal banging, but who knows, dark times often inspire dark deeds and many have gone down the route of finding solace in the bedroom.
I agree that the desk scene with the Inquisitor is much more than about sex, it’s about full commitment and acceptance, it’s about opening up and letting someone in. It’s about love. I just can’t help but feel if he was a virgin he would mention it to his LI? He has been fairly open through out and this would seem like a poignant moment to connect with her if he was still a virgin. Not to mention I’m sure he would be awfully worried about not being good enough/doing things wrong/embarrassing himself if it was his first time and he desperately wouldn’t want to disappoint her. From personal experience men ive known place a huge emphasis on being good in bed and I can’t help but feel he would mention something to avoid any perceived ‘short comings’ (excuse pun).
Those are my two pennies and i guess the summary is, who knows?! His creators, and they’re not likely to tell us when it helps feed the fandom. There is so much to his story, he is deep and complex character, flawed and beauitful for it. I know we all agree on one thing though, virgin or not, we love him. 💕
Frankly, I had been in the nonvirgin camp for quite a long time, so I totally see your points here. The realization that virgin Cullen just makes a little more sense had come to me gradually and suddenly.
Personally, I see 2 major obstacles to his sex life during DA2 – PTSD side effects and his unhealthy devotion to the duty. I kinda believe Cullen when he says that he was good at following Order’s rules, which kills the fellow templar version for me because of fraternization. The noname citizen is more believable, but again, I believe him when he says that he was not looking for anyone. And both of these arguments are dubious because Brianne did a great job. 🙂
I think the fact that he’s buttoned up all the time and takes everything almost too seriously is the determinant factor for me, I just don’t see him as a type of person who uses casual sex in medicinal purposes, even (or should I say especially) in difficult times. The main point of having casual sex is to blow off some steam and loosen up a bit. And I believe this part was very problematic for Cullen after Kinloch. Whatever happened during the Broken Circle, the one thing is for certain: self-control was the only thing that kept him from getting killed or possessed, which leads me to believe that this concept of never losing control could have been imprinted into his mind in rather twisted and exaggerated form. Add to this PTSD and Meredith's *we must always be vigilant* paranoia. Considering the circumstances sexual contact (if not any social contact) could have been really difficult for him at that period.
About desk scene, we haven’t seen what happened after faded screen. There is no evidence what they have told to each other and how exactly the actual sex was performed. Perhaps it wasn’t on the desk per se, as the next scene took place upstairs. That's another reason why I don't think that the desk scene is an irrefutable proof of Cullen’s experience. It’s really plausible. Either way can be proven and refuted, and this diversity makes the character even more delicious.
I'm not trying to convert anyone here, all I'm saying is that Cullen's background makes the virgin version possible and equitable. And of course, virgin or non virgin, Commander is always welcomed and loved here. ❤️
*sips hard liquor from a “World’s Best Fandom” coffee mug*
Yes, you got it right, this is happening. Get comfortable there, in today’s episode we’re going to bust one of the most popular myths among cullenmancers of all time:
“Cullen can't be a virgin in DAI because he's hot, confident and 30”.
First of all, I’d like to point out that I’m very reluctant to the notorious image of DAI Cullen as a "chantry boy", which basically means the face of DAI Cullen slapped on the DAO Alistair character. As ironic as it may seem the main accomplishment of forcing this image was a creation of strong belief within the fandom that the virgin!cullen headcanon is something utterly AU-ish, existing only in the minds of those who’re into virginity kink. I’m going to give you another perspective on this popular viewpoint.
The most common argument in defense of nonvirgin!cullen position sounds like:
“Cullen doesn’t act like a virgin in DAI”
I have two problems with this statement. First one is that this argument traditionally comes along with a comparison between DAI Cullen and DAO Alistair. The logical structure looks like: “Alistair was an awkward virgin in DAO. Cullen’s behavior in DAI is nothing alike. Therefore Cullen is not a virgin in DAI”. The mistake here is that Alistair’s behavior in DAO doesn’t define the behavior of every virgin in the world, not mentioning the fact that comparison between DAO Alistair and DAI Cullen is completely inappropriate. Don’t you think that it’s a little bit strange to expect the exact same behavior from a young and innocent boy and adult worn and torn guy just because both of them don’t have sexual experience?
The second problem I have is getting the “doesn’t act like a virgin” part. It sounds almost like there's some unified pattern of virgins' behavior when obviously there's none. The stereotype of a shy awkward virgin, incapable of saying two words without stuttering, is a powerful one but it is still a stereotype. Very blunt too, so it’s really surprising for me to see how many people are eager to fall for it. And just like any other stereotype, this one cannot be applied to everyone and certainly not to Cullen as a matter of fact. Cullen does act confident in DAI and the main reason for it is that he is mature first and foremost.
The lack of experience in sex alone doesn't nullify the general maturity.
I really don't know how to stress this enough. This is arguably the most bugging thing about the whole (non)virgin!cullen drama for me and the very reason why I decided to create this post. Cullen is confident because he's a mature, grown-ass man who's gone through ugly shit more than once and survived. He won't act like Alistair even if he is a virgin. It just doesn't work like this, okay? He's a mature adult, Alistair is a young innocent boy. And it has nothing to do with sexual experience. The concept of maturity is a little more complex than just the fact of having or not having sex in life. It's possible to be an irresponsible child with rich sexual life and a fully responsible adult without any sexual experience at all.
Lack of sexual experience is not equal innocence and Cullen is by no means innocent.
He's seen some shit, he's done some shit. Cullen has stable, fully developed personality, he mastered himself and earned his maturity hard way and that's exactly where his confidence comes from. Lack or existence of sex in his life is completely irrelevant for it.
Just to be perfectly clear: Cullen's confidence comes from his maturity, but his maturity doesn't come from lack or existence of sexual experience in his life.
Now when we cleared this up let’s figure out why virgin!cullen headcanon is at least equal to nonvirgin!cullen and why you don’t have to be an adept of “virginity cult” to embrace it.
The main reason why Cullen can be a virgin in DAI lies in his tremendously traumatized background.
@aurianavaloria has a wonderful lore-friendly character research on the matter, so I strongly recommend to read it to be able to get the whole picture.
I have a serious problem with how lightly fandom treats serious topics such as PTSD and mental trauma in Cullen's biography. I've seen way too many people among both fans and haters who either ignore the Kinloch incident completely or perceive it like some small unfortunate event while it was actually a milestone in Cullen's personality formation. Just think about it - young innocent pup who'd never seen abominations or even death before had gone through horrific shit: loads of gruesome deaths of friends and people he was supposed to protect, severe mental and physical tortures and possibly even rape. And right after that instead of long and proper treatment, he got straight into hands of charismatic zealot who gave him some sort of crooked sympathy, nurturing his fears and hatred.
This kind of trauma is not something that can be overcome fast and easily and it certainly had a major impact on Cullen's personality development.
I’ve seen more than once the argument that:
“10 years is a long period of time, long enough to get over with PTSD. I can’t believe he didn’t have any action during that time, not necessarily something serious, but you know, just regular banging”.
Well, let me tell you one thing – one of the worst aspects of having PTSD is that side effects linger for a ridiculously long time, some never go away even if the person recovering in peace, surrounded by family and loved ones. Cullen didn’t have the luxury of recovering, he was forced to face his fears on the regular basis. The only thing that kept him sane was faith, in Maker and in the Order, represented by ‘”supportive” Knight-Commander. To think, his relationship with Meredith was a true deal with the devil. She showed him some kind of sympathy as she had the similar experience in her lifetime, and, what’s more important, showed him that there’s another path to prevent any further pain. The proper treatment he truly needed after events of the Broken Circle was replaced by the false purpose, based on fear and fanatical devotion to the duty and the Order. It did work but in a rather distorted way. Cullen’s recovery was like an improperly healed leg bone – painful, unstable, with lingering side effects, but at least he still could have been able to stand. And that’s exactly why I find it difficult to blame him for the notorious “magesarenotpeople” drama. It’s way too easy to brand him a villain in DAII, however, all I see there is a young broken person, clinging for the shards of sanity and trying to find the strength to go on after the severe trauma wherever he can, even in the blind zealotry. Was it a wrong way to go? Absolutely. Do I have a moral right to blame him for it? Not even close.
So, long story short, 10 years totally may be not long enough to overcome PTSD, especially under the circumstances of constant stress and fear. The things are even more complicated if there was a sexual assault of any form during the Broken Circle. Sex and PTSD is a whole different topic for another day, let’s just say that impacts of a mental trauma can make sexual life really tricky. That makes the “regular banging” part quite dubious, not mentioning that casual sex is not for everyone to begin with. Some people do it lightly, some people don’t do it at all, either way is absolutely normal for any gender. Whether Cullen is the “regular banging” type or not and how badly PTSD affected his post-Fereldan sexual life is up to one’s headcanons. Personally, I’ve seen no evidence during the series that allow to affirm that Cullen divides concepts “sex” and “sex in the relationship”. The main problem for me is that one needs to treat casual sex lightly to perform it, and Cullen’s attitude towards pretty much everything is anything but light. Almost everyone who ever speaks of him during the game mentions at some point that he’s very serious, if not uptight. Hell, even Quis herself can tell him during the wedding cutscene “Always so serious”. This image doesn’t really get along well with the concept of casual fucking in my mind. But this is just my take on the character anyway.
Of course, all of this above doesn't prove that Cullen is necessarily a virgin in the Inquisition but it does prove that he has every reason to be one. According to WOT Cullen's attitude during Kirkwall period was cold towards both mages and templars, he didn't want to let anyone in and had a damn good reason for it.
There's a very high possibility that Cullen could have chosen to close himself from any kind of close social interactions (sexual ones like casual banging included) to prevent any further pain after traumatic events of the past and there's nothing strange or wrong about that.
For the record, I do recognize the power of headcanons and totally respect them. I have zero problems with the fact that some people don’t see Cullen as a virgin in DAI. That’s how headcanons work and I’m more than cool with it. What gives me cringe however is the fact that some people claim that Cullen can’t be a virgin in DAI just because it’s not “normal” for a 30 yo handsome man to be one. This is arguably the most toxic argument in defense of nonvirgin!cullen position ever. I won’t torment you with off-topic *virginity is a social concept* rant, instead of that I’ll just say that the modern world's concept of a 'normal guy' may not work in Thedas. I strongly doubt that the social pattern of a "normal man" who should lose his virginity in between his early teens and mid-20s is fully acceptable for Thedas. The society with the ultimate power of the religious organization is very likely to be less reluctant to the idea of adult virginity than the modern one. Chantry is presumed to have its members, templars included, virtuous. It's not required, yes, templars can marry and sex is not totally tabooed for people who serve the Chantry but apparently, physical temperance is a thing for andrastian religion (remember Alistair's memories of his Templar days or Sebastian's celibacy) and not considered as a deviation. My general point here is that meeting an adult virgin man in Thedas is more frequent occurrence and more acceptable social concept than it is in the modern world.
Speaking of Cullen in particular, the man can be a virgin in DAI because of his traumatized background, PTSD, and following lifestyle choices. Considering all that, you can see that the virgin!cullen headcanon has a bit more solid backup than just “cult of virginity” or “first-time-big-deal kink” and that’s exactly what makes the whole thing totally plausible. And yes, it is plausible.
The writer deliberately left the virgin/nonvirgin thing ambiguous and did a pretty good job with that I dare say. Every romance related scene with Cullen can be read either way. There’s not a single scene in the game that can categorically prove that Cullen is/isn’t a virgin.
O RLY? :
“Cullen laughed at Bull's dick joke - HALF-LIFE 3 NONVIRGINITY CONFIRMED”
Um, no? The only thing confirmed in this scene is that Cullen finds the joke amusing and that he actually has a sense of humor hidden deep underneath his usual polite cold attitude. Let's just assume he is a virgin in this scene. So why wouldn't he laugh? Because he's not able to get sexual context without actual experience? I don't think it works that way, getting jokes is about intelligence and sense of humor, you don't need to have the exact same experience mentioned in the joke to find it funny. Besides, look at Cullen's attitude in this scene again, it's not all that confident "good one, bro". He definitely feels uncomfortable, even more uncomfortable than Josie a.k.a. Ultimate Disney Princess, so this scene definitely doesn't seem like a solid proof of Cullen's sexual experience existence.
Yeah, that’s all good, BUT :
“He said that there’s nothing wrong with having a bit of fun – it proves that he is experienced!”
Once again, Cullen is an adult in Inquisition. He is aware of sexual intercourse existence and won’t faint or something just because he witnessed its aftermath. If he is still a virgin it’s not because he’s a prude or reluctant to the very idea of sex, but because of deep personal problems, caused by traumatic past. “Nothing wrong with having a bit of fun” can be a simple display of “live and let live” principle. For example, an asexual person can tell you “doing hardcore sex is totally ok if you’re happy with it”. Same idea here.
Bitch, please:
"Two words: Desk. Sex. Alistair is inexperienced. Cullen’s got moves. Fight me" “It’s not something a virgin would do” ”This is not the action of a virgin” “DESK SCENE”
Ok, we finally made it to the juiciest part of this episode. What could I possibly say against the almighty Desk Scene, the bastion of Commander’s Sexual Experience? Well, wonder no more – the answer is “conversation before it”. The paradox is – if Cullen’s pre-sex conversation would have been identical to Alistair’s I’d agree with y’all – the man is by no means a virgin. The guy tells the woman he loves how much he cares and asks her to spend a night with him here and now. After she says “yes” the guy fucks her mindlessly on the table. Very hot and yep, there’s definitely some experience right there. But it’s not what happened at all. Just rewatch the scene once again.
*video captured by Geek Remix
You do see the difference, right? He’s not asking to spend a night with him, he’s asking to spend a life with him.
He’s really tensed and frustrated all along, hesitating to ask the woman he loves to share a future with him because it seems «too much to ask». It’s a real commitment for him – to open up to someone first time in a very long time. He feels extremely vulnerable at this point and probably makes one of the hardest personal choices ever. He’s not even sure how to formulate his question because he’s afraid that he’s asking too much of her. And then she simply turns him towards her with the gentle “Cullen, do you need to ask?” as if she’s already made the decision he found difficult even to express.
Do you see how important for him this scene is? It’s not just “I totally want you here and now” moment, it’s “I totally love you and want you here and now” moment. The scene is hands down hot, but there’s so much more in it than just a simple steamy moment between two lovers. In fact, the sex itself is secondary in this scene, it’s more about feelings, acceptance and trust. What’s happening here is the guy who doesn’t consider himself as a good person asking the woman he deeply cares about to accept him with all his shit he’s constantly kicking himself for and become the part of his life. And she does. Unconditionally. The significance of this conversation for Cullen is so much greater than just “we’ll bang, ok?”, it means the end of the whole phase of his life, it means that he actually managed to get over with bitterness and chosen solitude after Kinloch, it means that he finally got a chance to live for himself with the person he loves by his side.
Mention that he didn’t start to rip her clothes off right after this realization, he’s still somewhat hesitant, the fists are clenched,“I suppose not. I want-”. Notice this little concerned pause after Quis knocks the bottle off his desk and then this one big “Fuck it” moment happens. Like all the pieces are suddenly fit - he trusts her, he loves her, he wants her, so no more doubts. The following *sweeping shit off the desk and expressing overwhelming feelings on top of the closest available surface* episode is an act of pure passion, fueled by strong feelings, that kind of passion when nothing except the person you truly want at this very moment matters, neither place nor past sexual experiences. And that’s why it’s completely irrelevant whether Cullen was a virgin prior to this scene or not.
I think the issue might be more if people played DA2 enough to get all of his dialogue. As an NPC, it’s easy to ignore him in the Gallows and not notice his struggling and slow turn around. A lot of stuff comes out if you side with the Templars and a lot of people don’t do that. Like, he’ll stand up to Meredith before she goes craycray in the entry yard - he’ll try to save the mage’s who surrender - and has a really good line about how being responsible for a mage’s actions is “What being a Templar is about”.
If you just blow through the game, only talk to him for quests, and always side with the mages, you miss so much and DAI Cullen comes as a big surprise. He wasn’t retconned, he changed while in Kirkwall.
What I love about Cullen’s development is that it comes in a very natural way. There’s no Marty-Stu bullshit there, like “the guy got severely tortured by the mages and then the year after we meet him in Kirkwall all Thrask-style, sympathizing to all mages.” Or “the guy was prejudiced about magic and mages because of personal trauma and then all of the sudden became radical mage-supporter”. Instead of that, there are some serious delusions, mistakes, lingering prejudices, overcoming, a personal crisis that make the character complex and believable. Cullen's flaws give him some real dimension, without them the character would have been just flat and boring.
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My absolute favorite character. I love her because she is intelligent, strong, determined and smart. I love her especially after playing the mission “In Hushed Whispers” in Dragon Age Inquisition.
What is your favorite character and why do you love him/her?
He wants to be one of them and he doesn’t see it yet. The rust that creeps in around the edges of shining armor, the blood that drips from a flaming sword, the poison in their veins. It feels safer where they are, these Templars, so protecting and proud. He wants to be one of them and can’t see it yet. He doesn’t hear the sickly song in their heads, see the blue in their blood, the chains around their necks. He practices in the barn, a wooden sword against a wooden dummy, pretends himself a shield in the dark. He reads the Chant by candlelight, mumbling the words in his mouth, remembering it in the morning. He wants to be one of them and doesn’t know what that means.
He remembers the first taste of it. The older Templars holding him down, the needle in the Chantry sister’s hands. Finding the vein, piercing through skin. Coursing through his blood, seeping into his bones. A rot, an infection, one of his own choosing. He is one of them and doesn’t want to see it. He knows his vows and the vows he keeps. He is good and faithful, untested, unshaken. When the storm comes, it does not start with rain. It starts with thunder. The thumbs pressed against his eyes. Hands that sink inside of him. Shape him, twist him, break him. Thoughts not his own, speech strange on his tongue. He knows his vows and the vows he keeps, but he stays broken.
It’s made clear in flame and in rubble, and he sees it far too late. He feels the chains choke tight around his throat, squeeze in his lungs. There’s rust on his armor, blood on his sword, poison in his veins, a sickly song in his head. He keeps a vial in a locked box, and the pain is a reminder. In the ruin of who he once was, he pulls at the strings of someone different. She puts a hand on his chest, helps him find something worthy. Safe and solid. They bury the box in the courtyard. Protecting and proud. She tells him he can do this. He feels like quiet. Her hands on his cheeks, silencing the song. Stronger when she holds him.
