All or nothing

It was a familiar refrain. I woke from my midday nap and checked my phone to see messages from friends about Linkin Park and Chester Bennington. This kind of thing has happened a lot recently. Whether it was Scott Weiland or Chris Cornell, my phone lit up with each untimely passing. Although we didn’t see Bennington’s death coming – something you rarely do with suicides – I still wasn’t surprised. These last 18 months or so have seen so much death in the music community. 

“Why do we mourn musicians and people we’ve never met,” I wondered. 

Much like most of my Facebook feed, we grew up with bands like Linkin Park. You would be hard pressed to find someone who graduated high school in the mid-2000′s who didn’t own a copy of Hybrid Theory. Music has a great way of letting us know we’re not alone and that there’s someone else going through the same things we are. I guess there’s a strength to be found in knowing that it does get better and work itself out. 

Each of these losses has stung. Whether it was Weiland, Cornell, Bowie, Phife, Bennington, or Prince this is true. Our music connects us to our culture and helps give us our identity. We remember those whose art impacted our lives. Losing one of these creators means losing that part of ourselves and that can be hard. 

I pulled out my copy of Hybrid Theory this morning. Listening to it was somewhat difficult. Parts of it are like someone reading their suicide note. The track “Crawling” particularly does: 

Crawling in my skin / these wounds they will not heal / fear is how I fall/confusing what is real

There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface / consuming, confusing / this lack of self-control I fear is never ending/controlling I can’t seem to find myself again/ my walls are closing in 

Without a sense of confidence, I’m convinced there’s just too much pressure to take / I’ve felt this way before / so insecure

Anyone, including myself, who has ever dealt with anxiety depression has probably felt like this. Your thoughts are irrational and they can be confusing and be consuming. You can’t just turn them off. Depression is something that doesn’t just get better with age. Chances are if you were a depressed 8th grader listening to Linkin Park, you may be dealing with the same issues as you grow. You may understand them better and learn to manage them better but they rarely go away entirely. 

Depression doesn’t discriminate based on status, wealth, race, gender, or religion. 

Suffering sexual abuse as a child gave Chester Bennington real wounds and those traumatic events can have lasting effects on the victim. He struggled with drugs and alcohol, much like his heroes Weiland and Cornell did. They were the same demons that eventually led to their own deaths. Bennington was just an angry young adult; he was telling us what it was like to be him and many of us were drawn to that vulnerability. 

–

While Linkin Park’s recent work didn’t compel me to listen as I did in the early days, I revisited his music last night. The man was so damn talented, more than just a screamer. Here he is with Stone Temple Pilots performing the ballad “Wonderful” on the 2001 Family Values tour. He shows his range in this performance of Temple of the Dog’s “Hunger Strike” with Chris Cornell; his baritone wasn’t heard often but he nails it. 

One of the most poignant performances I came across was his rendition of “Hallelujah” at Cornell’s funeral just a few weeks ago. And it would be on Cornell’s birthday Bennington’s life would come to an end. 

Captain Jack Sparrow (via nyctotines)