Good Morning~

The thing that people seem to notice the most about me is how "pretty" or "adorable" I am. Yeah, I sound sooooo stupid and full of myself, but I'm being serious. Your physical appearance is how people identify you, and sometimes whether they like you. Even to the point where the majority of what they like about you is your appearance. Like, is there not any sort of substance behind that that you can detect? Anything about my personality, individuality? I guess smiling and pretending all the time with a face like this makes it difficult for people to see any flaws, because I've been acting like I'm absolutely fantastic for a very, very long time, perhaps since I was old enough to understand the concept of pain and being alone. It's quite a shame having a face like this, because the owner doesn't appreciate it as much. If I ruined it, would people begin to accept me as a person rather than a statue? Or would they run away at how ugly and depressed my heart is? Maybe they'd pity me instead for losing my best feature.

I don't know if you already understand this, but I am a ticking time bomb, and I'm starting to phase into self-destruction. All the negative emotions that I've held will eventually burst and it incinerate everything in its path, even you, my love. I wish that one day you'd look at me and see the pain and sadness in my eyes, and finally realise that my words contradict my thoughts, and that yes, I'm really not alright, I really do want to talk about it, I really want you to hold me into your arms and let me cry. I don't want you to dismiss my emotional state as something you can't help me with. But I also wish I wasn't so good at masking all this, because it seems I have to spell everything out for you, and I don't want to have to do that. I love you, but right now, I wish you'd try to figure me out. I can almost swear that you only know and love one tiny section of me. The reason I don't let you in is because I'm scared you'll break and run from the me you know nothing about.

Tries, but fails. Smiles, but hurts. Laughs, but cries. Listens, but cannot hear. Thoughtful, but meaningless. Interesting, but characterless. Full, but empty. Loves, but can't find the heart to do so.

I can appear and disappear like a speck of dust dancing through the wind. I can always find a way to crawl under your walls, creep through small tunnels you didn't even know about. Fill your mind with panic, and watch you writhe in the torment of uncontrollable fear. I can allow the pressure of the world to seep into your bubble, play the ringing in your ears in a loop to hypnotize you. Whisper... Carve terrible truths and loving lies into your gullible brain, and cause the last drop of sanity to slowly slither away. Allow the energy holding you up to escape from your legs, cause you to collapse under it all. I could hold you there for hours if I wanted to. Let all the burdens crush your will into stardust, leaving only an empty, hollow "living being". Watch the rivers of tears stream from your eyes, your nails dig into clusters of tangled hair in fright, the mumblings and screams that bounce around the room and echo across the halls. But then I could leave you be. Until we meet once more. And then I can watch the transformation one can go through, let anxiety feed off you again and again, when and where you'd least expect it. Oh how fragile one can be.

I miss love. I miss being loved. I miss the sense of security you'd get from it. I miss the bitterness, the sweetness, the moments where I'd melt out of embarrassment. Being able to talk for hours and laugh and be silly and stupid and cheesy and not get bored. Getting frustrated about nothing. And those moments where my stomach would turn upside down and downside up over and over. I miss the hugs and kisses. And I miss the electricity that would shoot through me and how the temperature suddenly rose to 100 degrees Celsius when you'd appear. I miss being seen as attractive rather than a little sister. And I miss the times when I didn't have to worry about a thing because there was always someone there I knew I could rely on 100%. I just miss it so much. I'm surrounded by people who flaunt it all the time... And what makes it so much worse is that I don't know if I'll ever be able to experience it again.

Sometimes I just forget about how big the world really is. I was just lying down on the couch and looked at the ground for a solid minute. I realised how close it was to me. And yet, it reminded me of how small we all are. If you were to pin point a place on the globe and show it to me on an online map, I'd feel sort of scared because I would feel as if I was lost. Lost in this huge world of ours. A world that is just a tiny, almost insignificant dot of existence in this universe. And I am one single living thing amongst billions of others.

I remember as a kid that I didn’t have to put much effort into getting good grades and being “ smart”. I could lie back (or rather, forward) and tap away at buttons on the playstation 2, trying to finish off that one pain in the ass boss I’d spent hours on. When I did have to pull my head into the books, I was extremely motivated, and that seemed to carry on into my middle school years. Then I was blessed with the distraction that was a relationship. And then pressure and heartbreak, with the change of curriculum not long after. I seemed to lose my motivation to do anything this year: the year after those occurrences. The work is unbelievably difficult, especially since now I /have/ to study if I want to pass. I care way too much, yet way too little for my grades. I stress over passing, and then I’m not surprised when I fail. It’s almost as if I knew I was screwed in the first place. My friend offered to help me with my homework, telling me that I couldn’t afford to fail anymore. I dislike being helped and looked down upon, but that was the truth. I need to study, and I need to work hard, but first, I need the motivation to do all of this, and how can I get that if a failed test doesn’t faze me anymore?

Most of the time when I get home, I feel extremely exhausted. Sure, I don't do physical work for 8+ hours everyday, but there's a lot of thinking involved in everyday life. A lot of emotions to convey (How can people even smile for that long? Do you know how many muscles are used for that?). And if you're blessed with expectations, possibly high ones, you tend to come home with a package of homework and studying every day. Only once in a blue moon do you come home without the promise of more thinking and writing and then more thinking. I feel like all those who have sincerely worked hard to get to their graduation need a huge packet of cookies (not those who just sat down and whined about how hard their life is all the time, because that gets nothing done in the end).

I kinda do this a lot. It really sucks because when my teachers go around checking if you've done any homework or they bring up random quizzes, I feel a bit bad about it because I was "too busy" playing games or watching anime, or even just blanking out. And then I start to fail stuff, but that usually happens when I start a new year of school. Even now I'm procrastinating xD But my half excuse is that I'm sick, so I can't really think ^-^' eh, I should start doing stuff now that I feel a bit less burdened. Oh motivation, where have you been all this time?

I’m the type of person who scrolls through texts and messages of people that are very important to me. And today I chose (horribly) to look back on the conversations of my ex. I thought to myself “come on, this is pathetic, that ship has sailed”, but I kept on going, just laughing at all the stupid things we’d say, reminiscing in the lovely memories we had made, and all that stuff. It came to me that the most used phrase was “I am amazing”, and that was some sort of little inside joke. I’ve been told you never really get over your first love. I haven’t talked to him in nearly a year, and I’m trying to get these thoughts of that person past me. And if that person ever saw this, I would never be able to stand being around them again, because I don’t think they’d accept it. I looked at one of the birthday things he did once. I noticed something at the end of the message, something that had a meaning that I hadn’t noticed before. And it made me feel horrible, and I realised how much I missed us being… Well, us. What did it say? . . . “You are amazing.”