threads in a tapestry

sideblog for dissociative + parts stuff, I'm dipping my toes back into CDD spaces and being curious about parts after a few years.

every time I realize that it has been 10 years since my clearest/last memories, that everyone I cared about is long gone, and that I have zero influence on this life, it feels a bit like dying. my reality and sense of place in time is crumbling into dust in my hands, and there's fuck all I can do about it but stare at the fact of how unmoored I am and hold onto the dust of everything I loved.

I was backreading old posts on our (extremely private and unfiltered) vent blog and it was interesting to be able to identify my own writing, even without any obvious giveaways in what was written. while I couldn't match every voice, there were very noticeable patterns for many parts. adam is... rather acidic, is how I would put it. biting, corrosive, and sharp. theon swears a lot and can calm himself down and talk himself through what he's writing about. phoenix and stephanie can be quite difficult to tell apart without context clues, but we've suspected for a while that they're much more closely connected than they seem on the surface so it's not a surprise. neither of them ever writes in anger or frustration and their cursing is minimal. I couldn't tell you what identifies my own voice in writing, even though I can recognize it when I read it.

😵‍💫 hahah okay. did not realize my memory issues have gotten as bad as they have. I fully fabricated a memory of paying my phone bill when I had not, in fact, and it all snowballed into a minor emergency where I was forced to confront the fact that I cannot remember the majority of the last two months AND it was a money thing so it was deeply triggering. had a panic attack and switched at least once. it's resolved now, but damn.

I've been agonizingly present these last few months, and especially so in the last week since my realization, which has put me in close proximity to Theon for extended periods of time. we're both trying to grapple with the new knowledge and struggling. I hear him, and he hears me. it's an entirely new experience for both of us, but it's been comforting tonight.

Okay. Okay. I think I want to talk about what happened Saturday (?) night, but I need you all to bear with me because it's really hard to talk or even think about. I just need it out of my head.