badass;

Sheesh, that’s it? 

Agh, well, I’m happy you’re going to be my neighbor. I’ve got these nice string lights out on my back patio and a grill and a few comfy chairs. Whenever you and Love Interest Number One or Two want to come over, you can - oh, but only if you bring your baby. I’m a sucker for baby snuggles. 

Oh girl, no, not a single choice about it. Same with Soren and Miles. They seem like they’re getting closer - have you noticed that? I think it’s cute.

Mm, well, Gem is always an exception. How is she?

-

She’s a hot mess, but in like... the good Gemma way to be a hot mess. She’s really doing pretty great, but... I mean, you know Gemma. 

Alright, Mama, but I owe you whatever you want - booze, weed, a Spa gift card. And if anything happens, the hospital is twenty-four minutes away, twenty if I speed and hit all green lights. Agh, I love you. Thank you. When Benny comes home, you’ll be the first person who gets to hold him! 

Uh, damn right I’m the first to hold him. Him and Moon are gonna be best friends. They really have no other choice, right? 

Hell yeah, we can be neighbors! And if Soren knows what’s good for him, he’ll come with. Not that I don’t love what Miss Nora does over there, but damn, I think I’d go crazy if I didn’t have my own space to decompress in at the end of the day. 

-

I would not have stayed so long had it not been for Mina. She really thrives with community, and then, I was a dumbass and fell in love and then fell in love again and popped the second guy’s baby out. Now, though, now I need space. ‘Cause all of that still needs to be processed. 

Mom and Cal and Eli and Nora all took us to the parking lot at the very front of the camp, but only Lily and Rebel and I got on the school bus to go back to the camp. As we approached, we saw the “Camp Walden” sign and everyone started screaming. This was a boy-girl camp. That meant we had activities for just boys, activities for just girls, and activities for all of us. Lily and Rebel sat next to each other on the seat behind me, and I sat with all of our bags. I was on my knees, turned around talking to them the entire time and all of us couldn’t stop laughing. They really liked their headbands and we were all wearing them. We were also all in the same cabin. I was so excited - and I thought they were too. 

We got off the bus with our things and some older girls and boys waved at us as we did. We were supposed to find our camp counselor. Ours was named Magnolia, but that wasn’t her real name. That was a camp name. All of the counselors picked out names that weren’t real that we could call them. There was Magnolia, Lollipop, Cheeto (he was really cute), Trailmix, Peanut, and a couple others that I hadn’t learned yet. Magnolia lead us to our cabin, and it was already all decorated. We got to pick our beds, but we also had name signs to hang on them so no one got confused. I picked a bottom bunk and started unpacking. 

The thing about the sixth grade is that the last day of school wasn’t a celebration. Not how it used to be, at least. The last day of school meant that you were taking tests in the classes you hadn’t taken tests in yet and watching movies in the classes that you had. My mom checked me out early after I texted her that I finished my math test. I had a language arts test the day before and I gave my oral exam in Spanish on that Monday. The rest of my classes I turned in projects for, and so I knew the rest of my day was going to be documentaries, movies, and a gross school lunch. My mom had just bought the house across the street from my Nona’s, and while we were moving in, packing my lunch was now my responsibility... 

My name was called to the front office and my mom stood in the hall waiting for me. She didn’t have my baby brother, which I was a little sad about at first. She bent down and gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek. She always greeted me the same way when she picked me up from school early, “Hey girlfriend!” I smiled and she ran her fingers through my hair and asked if I was ready to go. As we walked out through the front doors of the school, I let out a big sigh of relief. “Guess what?” Mom asked. I didn’t say anything, but I grabbed her hand and gave it a small squeeze. “I just found out that you and Lily and Rebel all got accepted to go to sleep-away camp this summer.” 

I stopped in my tracks and my jaw dropped. I had been begging to go to sleep away camp for YEARS, but my mom never let me. She said I “wasn’t ready” and that I’d be too scared. She was probably right, but still. This year, though, was my year. It was all of our years, actually. After having my first kiss with Jack back in the fall, i felt like a whole new woman. Well, girl, but you get the point. 

“So I figured I’d take you shopping for some new stuff. I have the packing list printed out and we can get you all ready to go.”

I jumped up and down and threw my arms around my mom. “Is that why you don’t have Moon?!” I exclaimed. 

“You know he can’t hang,” Mom joked but it was the truth. Moon wasn’t fussy, per se, but he was a handful to take anywhere. 

Mom and I got in the car, and she even let me sit in the front seat. I hadn’t quite met the height and weight requirement yet, but sometimes she let me up front anyways. Soren always did, but that was our little secret. Mom and I first went to Target. We LOVED Target. Sometimes, after a bad day at school, she would take us to Target, buy us Starbucks, and we’d smell every single candle and feel every single pillow and blanket. Because we were in the middle of moving, Mom and I were going to Target a lot more and actually buying stuff! 

Mom let me pick out my own toiletries. Shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash, lotions, moisturizers! She even let me buy a razor but made me promise i would be careful with it. She was going to teach me how to use it that night. She let me pick out a new hair brush and new hair accessories. She let me get headbands and scrunchies and even found a bandana. She even grabbed some hair ties and bobby pins. I was the only girl in my whole grade who knew how to braid hair, so I was expecting to do lots of braids at camp. 

Mom and I looked at bathing suits. She made me get a one-piece because that was what was required at camp. Mom called it bullshit, and I agreed. “That is bullshit,” I said. Mom just laughed. I was allowed to cuss around her and only her. But we found a cute one-piece. It was pink and white striped and had little frilly things on the shoulders. She found a cover up that I liked and threw it in the buggy. She got me my own sleeping bag and a set of sheets for the bed in my bunk. We had to bring our own, and I was thankful for that! Momma even let me pick out a new blanket, a new pillow, and a caddy for all of my shower things. 

“Oh wait,” Mom called. “We gotta get pads.”

“I thought you used tampons,” I said. 

Mom, without even blinking said, “Not for me. For you.”

Um... what?!

“Gross! Mom!” I yelled. 

“What?” She said back to me. “You’re going to be gone for two weeks, and I want to make sure you are prepared if anything happens and I’m not there.”

In the sixth grade, some girls had their periods and others didn’t. I didn’t. I didn’t have boobs either, but Mom still let me wear a training bra. I rolled my eyes and talked her into letting pick out a cute pouch to put them in. If I HAD to take them to camp, they’d be in a pouch that no one would be able to see them in. 

After we left Target (we had spent a lot of money already), Mom took us to the mall. She said we had a uniform to wear at camp. We got t-shirts, polos, and sweat shirts, but we needed to bring our own bottoms. Mom said I already had a few at home that would work, but that it would be nice to have new clothes too. I picked out a couple of pairs of shorts and even a pair of pants if it got cold. Mom let me pick out a new pair of hiking boots since i had outgrown my last ones, and I got to buy new pajamas too. Before we left the mall, I asked my mom if I could get something for me, Lily, and Rebel. I picked us out matching headbands - each in a different color. Pink for me, duh; blue for Lily, duh; and yellow for Rebel. 

And that was it. I had so much new stuff and I was ready for camp. 

Mom and I went to the new house that night while Soren and Moon stayed at Nona’s. Mom let me have a sip of her wine while she taught me how to shave my legs. She helped me pack my bag with my new clothes and toiletries. She even threw some things in that she must have grabbed while I was at school because I hadn’t seen them. Mom and I wrapped the head bands in little bags and wrote little cards to Lily and Rebel. We’d give them their gifts in the morning. 

Mom was tucking me into bed when she said, “I love you, my girl.”

“I love you too, Mommy,” I said. She put my teddy bear in my arms and pet my hair with her hand. “When do we get to leave for camp?”

“Not for another week, but I’m glad we got all of this stuff done today.” She said. 

“Mommy?” I said as I felt her start to stand up. “Will you sleep in here with me tonight?”

“Scared?” She asked. We hadn’t really gotten used to how quiet the new house was. 

“No,” I shook my head. “I’m just gonna miss you when I’m gone.”

Oh, the McDonalds? They’re interesting. Married couple with a few kids - dad is a cop, mom is a lady who has one of those Cricut machines and just makes those tacky, glittery like “Lacrosse Mom” shirts you see on Etsy. They took down my Black Lives Matter flag I had in the front yard a couple’a months ago, so, I won’t miss them in the slightest. I think all the camera crews and trailers ‘n cars have been bugging them out for a while anyways. Good riddance. 

-

I think I’m gonna see if they’ll give me a tour of the place and I’ll put an offer in if I like it. Soren can either come with me or not, but I’m gettin’ out of this house. This was only supposed to be temporary anyway.

I’m just–it’s like–I did everything I could, you know? Every prenatal vitamin, folic acids, eating healthy. I even did more than when I was pregnant with the twins and Cam and he’s still a little mess. He’s the sweetest, tiniest little mess, and I love him so much it hurts my heart. It hurts and this sucks and I’m tired. I’m just really fucking tired…Um, sorry. Yeah. I don’t want to burden all three of ‘em on you when you’ve got Moony already to take care of too now. Maybe just Gus? I can see if someone else’ll watch Av and Cami. 

-

Yeah, but you know just as well as I do that even though you can do everything perfectly right, shit still happens. 

Hey, it’s alright! I only talked about it in therapy and cried about it for a few weeks. 

I know, I know. We could hear from across the street. Hey, listen. You live across the street. What’s it like over there? Your next door neighbors have a for-sale sign up and I’m hella interested. 

Thanks. I can barely see his little face with those tubes and tape on it. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, Colb, and then having to come home and still be a mama to three who need me? I’m exhausted. I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault. I know it’s not. Everyone’s assured me it’s not, but, I still feel like it somehow is, you know? 

No. Stop it. It’s not your fault at all. You had about as much control over it as Miles did. You kept him safe inside of you until it was safe for him to be out here, and now he’s being taken care of and you need to let yourself be taken care of too. Let me and Sore watch the kids and you and Miles go on a date night and go see your baby.