Waeve

I just woke up a few hours ago. My meds are starting to kick in. I was having a very serious and genuine, deep conversation (in-head) and it was... beautiful. It wasn't happy, but it was beautiful. Not the point.

Point is:

I had not had a single fucking intrusive thought today until someone made a noise in the other room.

I am so fucking PISSED OFF

Why my brain refuses to realize that intrusive thoughts CAUSED the good feeling to go away, I have no fucking idea. I've known that for almost a year now, yet my stupid fucking subconscious refuses to change anything it's doing

Before I snap my fucking android phone in half and yeet somebody's face into neptune, I thought I'd share the discovery!!!!

Basically:

MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS DID NOT START UNTIL SOMETHING STARTLED ME OUT OF FOCUS

AS I TYPE THIS, I REALIZE THAT INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS -AT LEAST FOR ADHDERS- ARE A SURVIVAL TACTIC.

Elaborating:

When you fall asleep and your heart slows too much, your body does the falling thing to make sure you're still alive.

It's not that intrusive thoughts are *Just* because your brain gets too quiet, It's because your life has never been completely quite before, or -like me- the few times it is quiet, something interrupts. And even if it doesn't piss you off, even if you don't jump like I do, your brain still registers it as not safe.

--

Falling asleep, heart slows a lot-

Body: *Sends adrenaline just to make sure it still actually works.*

Drowning, even mostly unconscious-

Body and brain: *Hold onto that last half-breath even if it feels like you're head is going to explode.*

Going grocery shopping or talking to someone you think is cool-

Brain: *Remembers what it felt like the first time your guardian was indifferent or mean about something that made you happy or calm.*

Things around you actually get quiet-

Brain *Sends a thought you hate just to make sure you're prepared for a sudden problem.*

TDLR 1: Your brain isn't mean on purpose, It's just paranoid and still has a will to live.

Listen. I know I'm just some random dude from a weird blog. But I'm trying to translate, to assist. Maybe somebody else needs this realization as much as I do. I apologize for the yelling earlier. I'm still just as upset, but only at my dumbass subconscious. Now some time has passed, and I have regained self-control.

(I also apologize for the above paragraph, my brain nags for me to do this, but I can't remember why. So:)

I am no psychologist. Here are my qualifications (why you should listen to me):

As my friends call it- "Disturbingly self-aware at all times."

Paranoid Schizophrenic with actual (unrelated) OCD, with years of experience dealing with it- more healthily in recent years.

Philosophy and deep thinking is simply my default. I use metaphors, but everything in this post is entirely literal, ...except the angry threat. (*begrudgingly accepts disappointment*)

I am a fiction writer. I don't know about healing people/first aid, but I know a LOT about how anatomy works, with many deep-dives on the psychology/evolution side.

People irl generally consider me a genius? Idk how to gauge that, IQ tests are irrelevant with this type of... smart?. I've been compared to both Da Vinci and Einstein. So, ...actually that's pretty fuckin' cool- (I AM NOT TRYING TO BRAG! I APOLOGIZE IF IT COMES OFF THAT WAY! I've never put it all down like this, and I'm just surprised and questioning my reputation.)

(Also, I love playing detective, so naturally I call myself Batman XD.)

Autistic; I experience the world, and every situation, from a view without any context.

ADHD: My brain automatically -As a guardian I hate describes- "Can watch three different movies at the same time, all in fast forward, and can keep up with all of them." ... Well, yes, but technically no. Idk if other ADHD people do this, but my brain "connects the dots" so quickly, I end up laughing at jokes I've never heard before the 'punchline', because I've already figured out what you're going to say next.

Now combine all that. I am kicking depression's ass and now I want to help you do the same.

I have only mentioned the relevant things. Please keep in mind that ALL of these have both advantages and disasters. Thank you for your patience and understanding. I am running on four hours of sleep. For the love of whatever, I hope this actually helps someone other than me.

Qualifications are noted because: This is all stuff (and stuff like this) that I am just always casually aware of.

𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒆

About you: the people who chose this pile have a tranquil and easygoing personality, that doesn't make them people pleaser but rather calm and collected, they have strong sense of morality, self-worth and resilience. You aren't a workaholic per say, you just like doing a lot of things and you are a perfectionist, even if it's hard to admit it. Yes, you are way mature for your age and this has shaped the person you are nowadays. You might've been told a lot that you are beyond your age and people think you are much older than you actually are, as that's just the energy you have, others feel safe around you or protected or they can let their guard down, that's something you have on people and it surprises you how strangers trust you their secrets. Most of your friends are actually the opposite of you, a little more crazy and immature, but it's okay for you since I see you actually like taking care of people, you find purpose on doing so, or were always taking care of someone somehow, since a very young age. You lare okay with an easy and quiet life, filled with little moments of chaos once in a while.

The life you have now could be in a period of stillness, noticing how everything changes so quickly you might be overwhelmed by sudden change, or in the contrary have learnt to except the unexpected and are prepared for things like that. That's because, maybe, in your early life there was never order and everything was always chaotic, unexpected and erratic. You might've been raised by impulsive parents that were too emotional or impatient and always expected you to be the adult, the grown one, to be the parent. Your childhood was maybe full of uncertainty and you never knew what was next, making careful steps to not disturb or make them angry, and it could've made you a people pleaser in your early years, but as time went on you came to realize there was no use in trying to do that, your personality formed by itself, everything you learned was by doing it alone or without any help from your parents. You were a very unprotected child and thus you developed extreme independency from this experience and always felt or told yourself you did not need anyone because you were neglected and thought that being all alone was normal. You could've face some sort of big betrayal from your parents or you always felt that way as they never properly took care of you and always saw you as a self-sufficient person, which you are, but they never showed their affection, your tutors were cold and detached, if you have any siblings they were like this with all of them, but specially with you; not seeing you as a kid but rather as a full adult. Going back to the topic, you could be very resentful towards the people who were supposed to be your big support system and turned out to be children themselves. You could've dedicated a lot of time trying to pull away from them either emotionally or physically, basing your life on being the opposite of what they are, that can be a reason as to why you like or are good at taking care of people and attending their needs.

Your strength is something big on your personality, you are resilient and very strong. But you've turned your good traits and your achievements into weapons against people who hurted or wronged you, nowadays nothing of what you do is for yourself but to prove yourself to others, even if you don't like what you're doing, it's important for you to be good at it, be the best at it, as if you could feel their eyes on your back, waiting for you to fail. Even if you have progressed a lot from what kind of hurt or resentment you had, there's a lot left and you are letting it control your work and everything you achieve. It's important for you not to fail, but you don't know why you do it sometimes. There's a lot of self-esteem issues, feeling you aren't enough in any aspect at all, prove to self-sabotaging and lack of real direction in life. You have made your life goal to live far away from what once called home or family, which isn't wrong, but by doing so you are focusing too much on what you don't want to be and neglecting what is it that you really want. Are you afraid you might like the same things as your parents? Have the same goals as your family? It could be possible that you are letting life changing opportunities go because of your fear of resembling even a little bit to those who you want to left behind. But you have the chance to use those traits given by them and make them your own, be the kind of person they could've been if they weren't who they are today. Your wounds are resembling the same they have but you can decide to heal them and not make them a part of your life.

ASTROLOGICAL ASPECTS THAT COULD BE IN YOUR CHART: Chiron in Virgo, Chiron in 10H, Chiron aspecting the 10th or 4th house, Chiron in Libra, Chiron in 4H, Chiron aspecting the Sun or Ascendant, Chiron in Capricorn.

𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒘𝒐

About you: the people who chose this pile are confident and charismatic, they might come off as intimidating to some people as they have a strong presence, they like their own physique or taking care of themselves physically, they have big personalities and attract others easily. You are a self-sufficient and dedicated person, super competent and also competitive, you like being in first place but unlike others that posses these traits, you don't define yourself and self-worth by how many achievements you have, but by a sense of renewal and mental/spiritual knowledge and learning. Learning and knowledge are super important for you, you are a very smart person and you've always know this, and probably were told that a lot too. You are a control freak on certain aspects of your life, one being how you present to others and how you are perceived, your goals might differ from what is expected for you to follow, but it isn't something that clouds your judgement, people might think you are vain and ruthless, it's true that you are upfront and can come off as rude or even antisocial.I personally don't think you have an issue being alone, but it's important for you to be in a community and connect with people that have your same ideals and enrich your life. Your life could be surrounded by people that depend or like being around you a lot, specially friends and coworkers, they look up to you and want to know what are you thinking. You're very influential in your circle of friends and it's not something you plan, it just happens.

On your life there's been more than one time where you felt like being made fun of or never taken seriously, your family never really listened to your opinions or cared to know what you thoughts, you probably had parents that were more worried about how you looked to other people than what you had to say, they dressed you in pretty clothes and taught you how to look good and how to take care of your appearance, but they might've failed to give life advices or be present in times of emotional crisis, these things made you feel neglected even when you had all the attention, as you could be only child too, they weren't paying attention to anything that wasn't superficial or easily fixed, and this doesn't make them bad parents but they always had their focus on that kind of stuff. You and your parents can share a lot of traits such as stubbornness, where they failed to recognize their mistakes or faults, is where you perceived to be more than what was expected of you. You could've been told to do one career or have a specific job your entire life but decide to do something you actually were passionate about. Your childhood was filled with these moments were they pretended to listen when they weren't, having planned your whole life according to them, they saw you as an extension of themselves and wanted you to achieve the same things as them or be what they never got to be. You could've felt like you had no other choice, you were taught to be confident since you were a kid, but when it came to your parents or family it was difficult to stand up to them, you felt unseen by them and this infuriated you as a child or a teenager. Until this day your parents could think nothing of what they did was wrong or not the best, they could not recognize their own faults and deny it if you try to tell them about your own experience, saying it wasn't like that at all.

The sun is a sign of confidence and a person who has a special light, this is you and this is your personality. You can achieve as much as you want and, much like pile one, you will try to prove yourself to your family and try to make them see how smart you actually are, trying to do everything they said you weren't capable of. It's almost like they look down on you when you aren't doing something they taught you to do, or they wanted you to do, it's very probable that you have parents that never let you explore anything beyond what they thought worth, and it was in rare occasion where they put your education or your decisions in first place. Although you are grateful for a lot of what they did for you, you lack the connection one has with their parents as they never apologize or care to recognize what they did wasn't the right way of doing it, the relationship can be shallow and this in terms has led you to try and find deeper connections outside the home, feeling lost a lot of the times and almost incapable of being vulnerable and sensitive without feeling embarrassment. It's important that you are in tune with all of your emotions, not only the positive one but also the bad ones and not let anger get the best of you as you can have bad temper sometimes, you could run off of situations you feel you're being controlled and leave when things get too personal, you feel detached from your peers and it's difficult for you to really connect with people, or, on the contrary you can get attached too soon one moment, the next you don't want anything to do with them. Working on being with people and having true and deep conversations with someone who wont downgrade you is important for your growth as a person. Accidentally you've attracted a lot superficial friendships or connections as that is all you know, it's important to recognize this and try to open up. Not to try to control every emotion you have and around who.

ASTROLOGICAL ASPECTS THAT COULD BE IN YOUR CHART: Chiron in Taurus, Chiron in Leo, Chiron aspecting Venus or aspecting Moon, Chiron in Aries, Chiron in 7H, Chiron in 5H.

𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒆𝒆

About you: the people who chose this pile are very unique and eccentric in their own way, they might've been told they are strange and people fail to understand them most of the time. The way you carry yourself is with self-confidence, you like to think of everything as made up or how nothing really makes sense, you laugh at the ridiculously of life itself, you might be into manifestation and manifest daily, you like conspiracy theories and believe in the multiverse and the ability to shift to another reality, yes, it's all that. You don't really take life that seriously, and believe it's all part of the process or everything happens for a reason, you are childlike in nature but also a logical person, analytical and likes tests of all kinds. You could be obsessed with the mind or the universe, your friends could say you are a strange person upon first meeting but as people get to know they realize how smart and mature you are, you just choose to be more relaxed. You could've grown up surrounded by people who took themselves very seriously or never let you play around, always had to be and act a certain way in their presence and it had made you feel bored of life for the most part, so you could be a person that likes entertainment or entertaining others, thus developing a love for art and creating. It's very possible that your family don't agree of what you decide to do but they won't say anything. . When it comes to friendships you could've experienced s lot of hardships since people take advantage of you or judge you a lot, so you go from group of friends to group of friends, your circle of friends varies a lot since it's difficult for you to keep friendships or be part of groups as you like to be alone and are very independent.

Contrary to the other piles, yours doesn't focus much on family, but on friendships, on connections and how you are seen by large groups of people. It could be that a few friends know the true you and are lasting relationship, but on a larger scale, in public and in society in general it's difficult for you to find a place of comfortability. Since childhood you could've been isolated from others either by your parents or other adults and it made people think it was hard to get to know, you are no stranger to loneliness and you could've been through periods in your life where you had no friends or no one who you could talk to really. And it's true, getting to you is difficult and it takes a lot for people to get a reaction from you or to impress you so they might think you are selective or a snob, when it's actually shyness or a fear of embarrassing yourself in front of others. Your life is full of these moments where you feel alienated from society and left alone as you could be too much to handle sometimes, or too eccentric, being made fun of your quirks and traits that made you you, this left you self-conscious about what kind of people you should let loose your personality and with whom to keep it hidden, you could've been bullied at one time when you were a kid, and this has shaped your personality deeply. It's difficult for you to be in public or present yourself to people as it's something very traumatic or you feel they will look at you weird. Maybe it is easy for you to make friend but it's hard to keep them, your need for belonging could've turned you into a person who's detached from all emotions as it's easier to deal with the constant sense of not belonging in a place everywhere you go.

The Hierophant in your spread is a sign of renewal, of letting lose of a mentality that holds you down and experiences that made you doubt yourself. Your relationship with people in general is very complicated and in turns, it's normal to feel resentful when you see how easy it is to other people to form meaningful connections and be able to present themselves in public without hiding the biggest parts of their personalities, there could've been instances where you were made fun of for the way you spoke or expressed yourself and your words, leaving you wondering if you bored people or said something wrong. You could be a little bit cynical and a know-it-all, maybe you said that it will get solved on its own or just pretended it never even bothered you but it did, and it still does. Tuning into more spiritual things and trying to find yourself in a way that's not usually normal for you it's going to help a lot, as you can have a really set up way of your belief systems and you dislike changing your mind, or don't want to indulge in more things that'll make you feel more weird. But this can seriously help in your growth and healing when it comes to rejection at a young age, following more spiritual practices, and, overall practicing on your own intuition can do a lot for you. I know you probably didn't had anybody telling you how to deal with loneliness or rejection at such s young age and you always had yourself for that, you are very special and unlike many other people, shouldn't tone down or hide your personality when you feel that you might get judged. Your own coping mechanism is hiding anything that resembles emotions and ignoring them when they aren't positive or playful as you could've dealt with sadness when you were younger, you try to keep your life positive, which is fine, but you can't ignore the negative parts too, you can get too clouded in negative thoughts that you don't see a way out and, for this to not happen you try to not pay attention to strong and intense emotions, but this won't do you any good. You could be exhausted as of right now, tired of always managing the same way and getting the same results, it's good for you to change the way you deal with feelings.

ASTROLOGICAL ASPECTS THAT COULD BE IN YOUR CHART: Chiron in 11H, Chiron in Gemini, Chiron aspecting Mercury or aspecting Sun, Chiron in Aquarius, Chiron in 9H, Chiron in Sagittarius, Chiron aspecting Uranus, Chiron in 3H.

𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒖𝒓

About you: the people who chose this pile are super shy and reserved, sensitive human beings that absorb everything like a sponge and guard themselves around people since they can become easily affected by other people's emotions. You are a very empathic and sensitive person, you are the sympathetic friend, the one people always go to for emotional advice and help them out. Your time alone, tough, it's also very important for you, since you get overwhelmed very easily and specially around a lot of people. Others might describe you as quiet and gentle person, someone who's on their own world a lot and nonconfrontational. You're probably interested in art or photography and enjoy being on nature a lot, it's not uncommon that you come across people that try to take advantage of you and your hospitality, although you aren't really interested in being the center of attention, it's easy for people to rotate around you and be intrigued by you since your reserved nature could be seen as mysterious and this attracts people a lot, this does attract a lot of people and you could be quite popular or necessary in your friend groups even if it's hard for you to believe so, you have a warming energy and people often get close to you to vent, which can make you feel like you're being used in some way. You could've been raised by strict parents or ones with a lot of rules where there was a way things should go at home and you decided to stay in the middle where you don't generate any troubles or disputes, you developed a way to be on your own world while the reality outside is chaotic and changeable.

How you like to be in is on calm and clean environment as your mind can be disorganized and it's not easy for you to focus when your place doesn't look a certain way, something you might've learnt from your family or parents is that you need your home environment to be a certain way and your mood can be severely ruined if you can't do the things you normally do. You're a person with a routine, and it could seem silly, but it's a way for you to feel in control of what affects you and how it affects you emotionally. As I said, your mood can change a lot because you need to follow certain routines in order to feel comfortable, and it's something that has progressed as you got older, something that isn't really shown to your friends since you don't like being an inconvenience but it's part of your personality, kind of like a way of predicting your unpredictable emotions, you can stress easily or get frustrated easily so everything must be exactly how you left it, at least in your home, where you feel most safe. You also have a really hard time when letting go of things and people that made you feel a certain way as you get attached and used to these things is difficult to let go of what they make you feel, clinging onto an emotion and replaying it in your mind.

The Tower talks about a false sense of control and security, believing in a structure that isn't actually there. You feel like your own emotions control you so much so that you externalize them and try to not activate any impulsive or negative feeling, you feel as though you're living in a bubble and can't never quite get out of there. Yes, you are a nonconfrontational person and you don't like pissing people off ever, but you are also very demanding on certain aspects of your life that, if not met, could make you uncomfortable and you'd want to leave. You are lead by your emotions and sometimes emotions aren't intuition and isn't something set in stone, you could fool yourself to stay in a bad situation or pretend there is nothing wrong or you don't need to get out of your comfort zone, a thing that's very important for you is feeling emotionally comfortable and you are lead by this a lot, letting a lot of things to pass you by just because you wouldn't give up routine for something new and that could change your life. Ultimately you are trapped in your own ways, your own experiences and how you perceive the world, aware that you purposely let opportunities go if you aren't 100% sure you will like it, but at the same time wondering why is your life stagnant, or why is it so hard for you to move on from past experiences. It's important that you don't close yourself up because what's being presented to you wouldn't be something you normally do, you might be so much inside of your own world to see what's beyond it.

ASTROLOGICAL ASPECTS THAT COULD BE IN YOUR CHART: Chiron in Cancer, Chiron in 4H, Chiron aspecting the 4H or 2H, Chiron in Pisces, Chiron aspecting the Ascendant or aspecting Neptune, Chiron in Taurus.

𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒇𝒊𝒗𝒆

About you: people who chose this pile are idealists and diplomatic, they are moralists and are lead by their ideals more than emotions. You are probably a spiritual or religious person, and these beliefs you hold them deep in your core, it's something you've been taught since you were very young by your family, or you learnt on your own and it has become a source of enlightenment in bad periods. You have a high sense of self and of what you believe in, and are a great inspiration for others around you, like friends and family. They think you are well educated, cultured and really good at teaching, they might see you as someone who's always immerse in their own world and learning something, they will probably always go to you for some sort of advice, but because of your distant personality it's hard for people to see you as someone who can give emotional advice instead of logical solutions. You could've develop a love for learning and teaching as well, helping people and enlightening them is something that brings you a lot of happiness and is your passion, growing up maybe you were seen as a nerdy person or someone who studied a lot, who took education very seriously and that can still be you in some part, but as years went by you've been feeling lost more and although you pretend to have everything in order or pretend to know what is that you're going to do at all times, you often feel lost and like nobody will land a hand to help guiding you so you have to do it yourself. You have a way of approaching people or relationships in general in a way that makes you look uninterested in forming meaningful connections, this leaves others wondering if you don't like their company but it's difficult for you to be demonstrative, physical affection is something that makes you uncomfortable as you could've grow up in an environment where that wasn't something common and your family could've been more cold and you always felt very misunderstood around them.

In your life, specially in your early life and with your parents or family there weren't moments where they showed their affection and it wasn't something common in your childhood, thus making it hard for you to form connections as an adult when you don't know how to show you like somebody without feeling uncomfortable or like you are being needy. Although your family is relatively normal, they could never quite understood you, your likes or your passions or anything that you talked about, you always felt left out in family reunions and like you were the black sheep of the family, you observed and pay attention to your relatives to try and mimic their personalities and act more like them, but no matter how you tried it was really difficult to feel welcomed. It's not strange that you fail to meet people as you don't think they'll like you or your personality. You don't quite feel like yourself, everything you are and everything you like was always put against you and this made you not know who you are, now as an adult you are having constant existencial crisis and/or crisis of faith and spirituality, you feel like your whole being is wrong and you should be different, behave differently, talk and communicate differently and dress and present yourself differently. You can't find something about yourself that you like, despise being composed by all the things that you like and everything you feel a love for, because it's you, it's impossible to see anything good in it, you can't be positive and can't stop being anxious at all times. You see yourself in the mirror and don't recognize the person on the other side.

The Star refers to someone who is enlighten by a higher forced, touched by the hand of a higher being and someone who has always been protected spiritually. That's you, you have always known what you wanted to do or what path in life you want, but reality has made your faith crumble and this makes you anxious, thinking of all the bad things that could happen and all the ways you could mess up when you are being divinely guided, and these issues are nothing but assumptions based on past negative experiences. You have a hard time letting go of things when they've hurt you and even a harder time not letting them define you, someone who's always had a very defined personality and ideals is going through a crisis thanks to your anxiety, you're thinking too much since you've been judged a lot all throughout your life and this has preventer you for experiencing new things. It's important that you go within and have a time of introspection, if you know what you stand for is worth defending, you should not feel embarrassment for what other people have to say. Is fundamental that you don't isolate yourself and try to expand your world outside of your family and you will find other people share the same beliefs that you do, people that understand you and care for what you feel passionate about. You need to find some sort of balance in your life as you tend to be too extremist and, when something doesn't go as planned you easily resort to negative thoughts and can't see beyond bad experiences, as someone smart and logical, you have to learn to separate what people think of you and what you actually are.

ASTROLOGICAL ASPECTS THAT COULD BE IN YOUR CHART: Chiron in Sagittarius, Chiron aspecting Saturn or aspecting Jupiter, Chiron in Virgo, Chiron in 12H, Chiron in Libra, Chiron in 9H, Chiron aspecting Sun or aspecting IC.

𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒔𝒊𝒙

About you: people who chose this pile are artistically inclined, emotionally intelligent too, they posses a lot of drive in everything they do but they can get obsessive pretty quickly. You are moved by the arts and you define yourself as a cultured person when it comes to music or art or reading, and we're always fascinated by these things. Dancing could've been one of your first passions too, something you did since a very young age or gymnastics, something to do with the body, and, as you got older you opted for exploring more options and it has always ended up in something artistic. You are self-taught and self-sufficient in almost every way, you could've learnt a lot of things for mere curiosity or because it's something you always wanted to do, one thing about you is that you don't like asking for help, not precisely because you don't like to bother others, but to prove yourself that you can do it alone, without anyone's help, to see how far can you go doing it alone and set it as a personal achievement. You are obviously a person who's constantly trying to achieve or win something in some way or another, most of the time is for personal gain as your ego feeds off of that and it makes you feel good about yourself. You could have little to no friends that are close since you are constantly looking inwards in how to better yourself and improve in your craft that you could often abandon relationships with other people, including family members as you never spend time with them and this makes them think you do not care about them enough, this is an ongoing situation in your life where your connections are never lasting since you never pay attention or dedicate time to them.

Recently, and, thanks events that have been occuring on your life; being as demanding as you are with yourself and your passion, it's possible that you'd left out some important things in your life in order to have more time for others, and this has not been rewarding you as you thought it would. But this isn't new to you, your entire life could've been like this, your parents or responsible adults never gave proper care to studying and making a name for oneself, or on the other hand they could've been highly strict and exigent but always towards you and never towards themselves. Showing little to no care for self-improvement you witnessed how your parents or family blamed everything bad that happened on circumstances and never on their own mistakes and wrong doings, being so stubborn to accept the fault than that same behavior could've damage seriously the stability and environment of the home, and you couldn't do anything else but watch. They would never accept what they've done wasn't correct or it wasn't the right way of doing it, you should also read pile two as it could have some messages for you as well. You could've, and maybe still are, dealing with irresponsible parents or family that worried more on how they were seen on the outside, while on the inside they lack self-awareness and emotional intelligence to deal with things that weren't rooted in material stuff. Thus making you terrified of becoming them when you are older, now you take every opportunity to enlighten yourself and take learning and studying very seriously, although none of this is bad, you almost never quite know how to balance things, and it reflects on everything you do.

It's important that you under that good Fortune is always on your side and you have all the tools necessary to achieve anything you want as long as the Wheel is turned in your favor, your problem resides on taking things for granted and thinking work or career or recognition comes first before all, failing at recognizing that without meaningful connections and experiences your art loses meaning, distancing from friends and family for the sake of art in turn made it difficult for you to work due to your lack of motivation and sadness, but you don't see this. You've been wounded by the lack of accountability of people who were supposed to guide you in life and in turn you ended up distancing from people in hopes you won't get disappointed or distracted, or thinking you will always have time to develop relationships once you succeed in life, but you might never stop wanting more, and that will make you even more lonely, and you only hurt yourself more. Don't isolate yourself because it's not doing you any favors and it will only keep you unhappy and will make you resent your work and everything you did to get where you are; is important that you take time to be with others, form new connections and new experiences, as that's the best way to develop as a person, to experience things and learn from those same experiences, you can't keep yourself in a mental bubble forever and you can't always do everything on your own. You need to accept that we, as human beings can't be alone and we need relationships to survive, hard work and respect are nothing when you have no one you can tell your achievements to.

ASTROLOGICAL ASPECTS THAT COULD BE IN YOUR CHART: Chiron in Aquarius, Chiron aspecting 11H or MC, Chiron in Capricorn, Chiron in 10H, Chiron in Scorpio, Chiron in 8H, Chiron aspecting Pluto or aspecting Mars, Chiron in Aries.

𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒔𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏

About you: people who chose this pile are notorious and ambitious, although they don't like usual or normal things they strive to be the best at whatever is it that they do, they are extremely charismatic and likeable, people are often intrigued by their upfront personality as they don't fear saying what's on their mind. You are a really good smooth talker and convince people to do things they wouldn't normally do, you are one of a kind and could've been told more than once that your ways or how you are brings a lot of controversy and potential enemies, your personality is not super loud per say you just call the attention easily and you have no issue making new friends and talking to people, this could make others think you are trying to call the attention, but that's just the way you are, a little bit erratic too, your personality could call the attention a little bit too much sometimes, and this could be sometimes good and other times bad as people think of you as too much or too explosive, or they like how true to yourself you are, there's a lot to say about you in social groups and people always have different opinions to the kind of person that you are, you should read pile 3 as well, there might be something there for you. You could have anger and trust issues and your childhood could've been ignored a lot or seen as less than by a male parental figure, so you learnt at a very young age to be self-sufficient and rely on your own judgement of things as adults proved to you to be distrustful or never lend a hand when you needed them as you could've been dealing with cold parents or a family that didn't know what to do with you when you were little, almost as they feared what you could become as an adult.

On more than one occasion you caught yourself manipulating people and things to your own advantage and were surprised of how well you did, or people often don't realize they're being played by you until they already did everything you want them to, and you don't even have to change anything about yourself to do so, this is why you kind of understand why people wouldn't trust you as you wouldn't trust a person like yourself either. Despite your self-reliance and tough personality, it's very easy for you to be dependent on people, especially when you have fewer friends or when you are in a relationship, it's difficult to not be overly possessive and emotional, you are very territorial as you don't have many special people in your life who you feel you can trust, so when this happens you resort to jealousy and possession and become dependant on them even without realizing. You hold very intense emotions at all times even if you try to pretend to be cold and detached, that's the opposite of what you actually are like emotionally, you need the constant comfort and reassurance from your friends to know if they still care about you or they still love you, and you don't even know this or ignore this aspect of your personality, your insecurity doesn't come from your personality but of the fear of being abandoned by your loved ones, and you can become really controlling to keep them with you, but this in turn makes them want to leave.

The Devil represents your shameless attitude towards the world and knowing your bad trials, making friends with them and showing them off, you have the believe that somebody should see the worst of you first and if they decide to stay still, they are worth your time. You clearly have a hard time trusting people in general and put up a hard exterior and never let your softer or more delicate side to get out, which has never worked for you in the long run, as you are constantly on a defensive mode and never let yourself make mistakes or act in a more emotional way, when you are in fact a very emotional person and repress it a lot. All of this has to do with the way you were raised and how you've experienced relationships at such a young age, that made you believe people are not to be trusted or that you will always be alone, when that's far from the truth, you need to let go of things that keep you in the past, that defensiveness that comes from your parents that never talked about their emotions and always ignored how you felt, it's a vicious and endless cycle that you keep on feeding because you can't let go of what they did to you. They weren't the best parents and a lot of what they did to you wasn't right, but you can't define your life based on the past, I see you did a lot of what you did growing up just to get a reaction from them and upset them but it's time to let it go. You have a lot of power and influence on people and you really shouldn't put tests and obstacles for people to pass them so they can be close to you, making meaningful connections is just as important as learning to let them go when they no longer serve you and do you no good holding onto the past.

ASTROLOGICAL ASPECTS THAT COULD BE IN YOUR CHART: Chiron in Scorpio, Chiron in 10H, Chiron aspecting Moon or aspecting Saturn, Chiron in 1H, Chiron in Leo, Chiron aspecting Mars.

𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒆𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕

About you: people who chose this pile are constantly looking for the meaning of life, they love numbers and the unknown, they have endless curiosity for the universe and for everything, they want to know about what holds beyond the explicable and thrive on the difficult tasks. You are a lovely and soft spoken person, you are important in your community and specially in your work or career, people might see you as someone who's very shy but very smart, you can't sit still a lot of the time and you always have questions about everything, you have curiosity in all your being and people might find it endearing while others find it annoying. You are a self-sacrificial human and always think that you must do the hard job alone, you over complicate things thinking that, in doing so it'll be better on the long run. You understand that there are some sacrifices that must be taken and there are some things we don't want to do, that we must do and it will be better as time passes, but this is your mentality for everything. Forever making everything difficult with yourself, you live stressed and have headaches all the time, you feel an urge to take care of everything and deal with everything alone, when it doesn't have to be like this at all, you shouldn't do all the hard work and definitely you shouldn't do it alone. Growing up it was probably normal for you to be given the more difficult tasks, maybe as the older sibling you always had to be responsible and you accepted that that's just the way life is, you should also read pile 1 as there might be something there for you. You like investigating and documentaries, real life stories and solving crimes, you plan on having a normal and quiet life that's not problematic and you are willing to sacrifice yourself and your sanity a little bit in order to live a better life sometime in the future.

Nevertheless, you often go to extremes unnecessary to get the job done, when it needn't be that complicated and you just.... Complicate it. You are often a very pessimistic person that expects things to go wrong or everything to explode in your face that's why you are so cautious and try to give your best at everything, feeling like if you didn't, things simply wouldn't work out. Now there are many people that depend on you and your criteria as you are responsible for a lot of things but that's also a self-imposed role you gave to yourself, steming from the responsibility you were given at a very young age, you feel like it's normal for you to carry so much weight on your shoulders, it's what's always felt normal to you and you don't know any other way, you could be in a work or career in medicine or science, something that demands a lot of your time as well. You might had been brought into a family that seem just like every other family as there was nothing unusual on the outside, but it was highly dysfunctional and it felt more like a house full of roommates and not a parent and their child, you never felt protected by your parents and you learned to never seek for their advice as it would be unhelpful and they would bring it back to them or generate more problems for you, so you learned to only say the necessary and to not share many details of your own personal life as they can be judgmental or project themselves onto you and your life.

You got the same as pile 4; the Tower, meaning an unavoidable problem that you are ignoring and it could very well be your health, both physical and mental health have not been prioritized by you, and it's important that you know that if you don't take care of yourself it'll only worsen. You grew up thinking your home was normal until you got out into the real world and found that the child taking care of the parent wasn't something common at all, and wince you wondered why couldn't your family be more normal or you feel betrayed by your own tutors, the same people that should've take care of you put all their problems and responsibilities on you and never wondered what could it do to someone so young. And it's likely that you never saw your family in a bad light, that you never resented or hated them until you realized what was actually going in your home environment, even now you probably don't even think bad of them, as you are a very forgiving person by nature, you don't have anything hateful towards them, and you are in a process of trying to let go of the troublesome childhood they made you go through, even if it's rough, you understand that your family and your parents are only human and holding grudges against them would be pointless. Still, there's always a part of you that hates to have to grow up so fast and never enjoyed their childhood, but one thing you can do now is enjoy your adulthood, the rest of your life shouldn't be filled with responsibilities just because your childhood was like so, now you have the choice and you don't owe anything to anyone.

ASTROLOGICAL ASPECTS THAT COULD BE IN YOUR CHART: Chiron in Cancer, Chiron aspecting Jupiter or Mercury, Chiron in 10H, Chiron in Libra, Chiron in 6H, Chiron in Pisces.

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