ash and oak

Parker’s auntie and woman who raised her, Fatimah, a well-poised woman who had been college friends with your own parents was still here, assisting in the clean-up even if it was after nine pm.

Parker had found you on the porch, off to the side of the back of the house, where, “Optimistic,” wasn’t playing as prominent and the night breeze whistled their own song through the closed in screen.

She paused at the sight of you, although your father already told her where she could find you, she took in the appearance of you. The profile, how you sat at ease, almost at a angle, in the cushioned wicker outdoor chair, one leg crossed over the other, which shined beautifully underneath the dim porch lights, that peeked out from the white ends of your sundress.

When Parker finally moved, the single step creaked underneath her weight. Her hand pauses at the door handle that she starts to pull closed, your eyes shifting to meet Parker’s.

Parker can visibly see you take an inhale at the sight of her too.

She doesn’t know how this is gonna go as she inches closer, picking up on the bubbles that sit at the top of your glass, before flicking her gaze to you. Her hands go into the pockets of her dark pants, gaze briefly staring out into the view of the backyard your father once ran around in with cousins as a young boy.

“Parker.” You address first, your eyes trailing over her frame before moving your gaze out towards the trees, so quickly that you don’t want Parker to see that you’re checking her over.

You’re mentally grasping that she still did in fact exist.

This was literally seeing an ex.

Just not a case of one—no Mýa.

It didn’t matter.

She could always feel your eyes.

Parker repeats your name back.

“What brings you by? I’m surprised you’re not working tonight.” You causally say, taking another sip of your favorite sparkling wine.

Parker shrugs, “Had the night off for once. There’s a big change coming around with my schedule soon—probably about to be a mid-shifter.”

You hum, “Nice.”

Parker blinks her view to you, “Nah. Think you’re just playing at it.”

Your eyes finally meet her’s as she continues standing. You feel your brows start to lightly furrow at her tone before your finger motions around your glass, “Oh, I don’t play games. You know that better than anyone. So why don’t you put your defenses down and sit next to me since you’re the one who came looking for me tonight.”

Parker scoffs, her tongue pushes against her bottom lip as she fights the urge to roll her eyes then…she sits.

You sip.

Parker is aware that you handle your drinks well but the gloss in your eyes is vulnerable…yet as pretty as a picture.

Pictures she still had even if it has been awhile.

“…you didn’t answer my question: What brings you by?”

You’re fishing and Parker understands.

She honestly doesn’t know why she’s here either. Didn’t miss how some of your family members that knew of her or even interacted at certain family functions pointed Parker out.

Parker Ellis did what she knew how to do best.

She kept it moving.

Parker clears her throat, hoping that it wasn’t so obvious that she was in fact staring.

A little too hard.

“Auntie-Ma told me she was here.” Parker tells slowly, referring to Ms. Fatimah, “…I thought about not coming since I’m not sure what type of situation I’d be stepping into but Sky told me to put my big girl boxers on and just do it—before she ditched me to go hang out with her fling of the month.”

You laughed.

Actually snorted at this information about Parker’s younger sister, Skyler, telling Parker to basically get it together. You still texted with Skyler every now and then, just checking in texts, wishing each other happy birthday’s and happy holidays—the usual. You were gonna be sister’s at one point in life. Officially…until you weren’t. And you also saw Ms. Fatimah around town a few times, always stopping to chat with a hug and saying, “hi,” to her in the background when she was hanging out with your step-mom and dad. It was as if things were normal.

Yet Parker was sitting across from you, nervous.

You can tell with the way she kept tapping her fingers against the arm of the chair and the way her leg slightly bounced.

Restless leg syndrome at its finest.

You almost offered her some ginger-ale and a stress ball.

“What’s this one’s name?” You quiz.

Parker turns her head quickly at that, her locs swinging with the motion, then silently realizes you’re referring to Sky’s relationship—not hers.

“Uh…after Athena the rest didn’t seem as important.” Parker puffs at a breath while you nod your head along—also once fond of your potential sister-in-law’s old girlfriend, “…think this one’s name is Kayden? K-pop? Something. Shit, I don’t know. I can’t keep up.”

A bubble of laughter rises in your throat.

“Well…she’s single. Free to do as she pleases.”

“Sure but at some point it gets old. She’s thirty.”

“And you’re pushing forty.” You argue, taking up for Skyler, who was always trying to find her way and Parker was just being the typical older sibling.

Parker quirks up her neat brows, “…Now why am I getting dragged?”

“When we met, you were in nothing but non-committed relationships.” You remind.

Parker pushes back, “Then I found something in you that completely changed my mind.”

“Yeah but…you didn’t choose me in the end.”

Parker sharply inhales at that and then her shoulders slump. She felt that. She shifts and buries her elbows into her knees now. At least that got her legs to stop bouncing around like a moth searching for a flame.

“I…take full responsibility for how we ended.” Parker sighs, almost glaring into the dim light before meeting your eyes, “I can’t apologize enough for it. It all probably started to sound like just words to you but...i mean it. I also can’t know if it was ever the right choice but it would have been selfish of me to go through with marriage when I had doubts about myself as a wife—not just as a partner.”

Your manicured finger taps at your scalp, carefully nodding, “I understand that now. Didn’t then. All I was focused on was the fact that you threw that on me three months before the wedding. How time felt wasted. I was hurt and angry. Incredibly angry. As fuck.” You breathe out a laugh, “Couldn’t picture a world without you in my future. As my wife. I really wanted that.”

And theres this grief that sits in Parker’s chest that—no amount of chest compressions could make it right. Make it stop.

“I did too.” Parker answers with a exhale, “Just didn’t think I’d be good at it for you. For us. At the time.”

Your head tilts as you really look at Parker.

Fears, goals, ambitions, all of it had been shared in your relationship plenty of times before. Her fears won the day she decided to call off the wedding. You felt so much all of the time that you couldn’t just continue on as if that wasn’t a big heartbreak. The silent treatment was heavy and anchoring, until you made your own decision to break that hold and leave.

Parker thought you would come back.

That you could work it out.

To fully talk it over but your anger said it all then.

“Maybe we did leap into it…but the love was always there.”

“Yeah…it was. Still is.” Parker trails off, a small smile playing on her lips as she silently reminisces about your time together.

Your laughter breaks through that, as you angle your body towards her now, elbow resting on the arm of the chair as you press your chin into your knuckles. There’s amusement in your glossy eyes as you stare over at Parker.

“Is this the part where you get down on your knees and profess your yearning undying love for me like this is a 90s r&b music video?”

Parker can’t help but to laugh too, that familar crinkle of humor appearing in the scrunch of her nose, “We both know I already got down on one knee before but I’d rather eat your great-uncle Earl’s nasty ass deviled eggs than embarrass myself in front of your people again, thanks.”

“Angie hid them before people could start talking,” You share, almost peeking over your shoulder as you mentioned your step-mom doing the honors, “The last thing we need is more roasting at these things but…at least I got a smile out of you instead of fighting words.”

Parker sits back into the outdoor chair, “I know how to act in public. I have sense. I am quite the professional—please act like you know about me.”

Your eyes immediately roll as you toss a napkin towards her, earning quiet chuckles from you both.

“So…” Parker starts.

You peer at her with the tilt of your head and with warning underneath your lashes, “Don’t tell me you’re about to be up in my business. Don’t do that.”

“What? I can’t have a relaxed conversation with you about your well-being?” Parker teases, “It’s not like i didnt remove myself from social media completely after ya know…things ended.”

“Don’t act like Sky or Ms. Fatimah don’t tell you things here and there.”

“What kind of things though?” Parker presses.

You laugh through your nostrils and suddenly get to your feet, “Nope.” Then you move around the table collecting up your things: empty glass of Prosecco, shades, your phone, and coach bag, “Not gonna do it.”

The corset portion of the sun dress keeps you more in tact than Parker’s crumbling curiosity.

She’s sitting on the edge of the chair now as you move, “Wait, hold up! I wasn’t trying to make you leave.”

You pause and turn your gaze to her’s, “You’re not…I just have other places to be. Just like you and anybody else on this planet. It’s not personal. Just a boundary. Hope you got some sort of closure tonight, Parker—if that was what you needed. Take care of yourself alright?”

THIS IS WHAT HEALING SOUNDS LIKE IN A SUNDRESS…

It was the genuine smile on your lips which matched your eyes that did it for Parker.

You caught her before Parker could even get the words out.

Before she could check up on what life had been like for you without her in it.

How your career in Special-Ed was going.

What side of town you lived on now.

Wondering who was loving you better than she could.

It’s clear you didn’t want to get into any of that and Parker had no option but to respect it.

So…

SHE LEFT HER SADNESS ON THE SCREENED-IN PORCH…

Once you were gone again and once she mustered up the energy to leave too.

The porch stood in its stillness.

The city carried on.

Somewhere in the house that Parker was once adjusted to, laughter and the clinking of dishes being put in place echoed through the windows behind her.

Life moved on without permission from either of you.

And as Parker finally stood, hands smoothing down her black pants, she heads out the back door instead.

In the opposite direction from you.

The screen door creaks and slams shut as Parker makes her way back to her car.

She fades into the August night.

Like the memory of what you once were.

𖤓 ｡𖦹°‧ ⋆☀︎. ˖°𓇼⋆ 𖤓 ｡𖦹°‧ ⋆☀︎. ˖°𓇼⋆ 𖤓 ｡𖦹°‧ ⋆☀︎.