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I think social media just serves to make me feel more isolated and misunderstood or like connections don't matter and don't mean anything... it's just so common that like, my work/thoughts/writing is RT'd/complimented right alongside work/writing that I feel could not be more diametrically opposed philosophically. Sometimes as funny as my work + people who explicitly hate me back-to-back... Its like ah shoot eh... that's the world at large...

I just don't really look at myself much anymore, if I can help it... whatever attempts I do make at selfies, I can't stomach keeping the result saved. There's something so incongruous now between the mirror image and the phone... which was always true, but in the past I tended to feel the phone image was at least an OK illusion, and I tended to stress about how "reality" would strike people once we met IRL....

aging is actually so weird when you already have like a lot of self-image issues.... I feel like I just don't, understand, changes, and I also can't tell when I'm having a dysmorphia moment and overly exaggerating or content-aware-scaling something due to a mental state...? Last night fsr my hands looked insanely wrinkly, like infinitely fractaling deep bevels into the hands, like a plastic bag stored ina tight ball later unfurled, I kept staring at them on the toilet (randomly) ... and I was like, when did my hands get crazy old ... ? worried .... why didn't I notice? And realizing now looking at them that they look normal ?? so that wasn't real... hmm!

I am back into the mindset 'the concept of anyone Knowing me fills me with dread and tension' which I honestly... really prefer to the opposite thing which is like, 'overly aware of just how much I am naturally both socially reprellant and socially repelled; mourning the inescapability of it'. its like the difference between just feeling my nature as it is, inhabiting it, versus feeling outside of my nature looking into it and going "urgh that sucks"...