I’ve Lived 1,ooo Lives

First and foremost, this is a vent/journal blog. It is a space for us to vent. Due to this, various mental health issues and possibly triggering content can show up here. We try to make it as “friendly” as possible, but this blog is more for us than others.

You may find things like depression, various types of tra*mas (referenced or hinted towards), signs of emotional distress, anger, bl**d (never intended to be graphic), psychotic disorders, panic disorder, and other forms of “edgy” vents.

Syscourse, discourse, and any other drama-type-debates will not be interacted with, even if it’s not being put into our space. On our account we may say things that may be controversial or “dispute-y”, depending on how you perceive it, but it is not stated as fact or with intent to draw in drama. It’s words spilt on a page on our current feelings or thoughts. If you have any issue with it that may interfere with our posting or your mental state, please get up and leave this blog. Block if you have to. I am not going to censor my blog for a situation you can just look away from.

With that being said we do put tw tags in our posts, and tws in a title if we think it is needed, and our vents/entries are never meant to be stated with passive aggression, bullying, hate or targeted distain. They may be emotional or thought-provoking, but they are written to be as civil as possible.

Third, if you’re younger than 17 DNI. Also, if you are over 25, I am not comfortable with you following me. You can interact but if I find you suspicious I will fucking block you. This applies to literally anything I see fit.

Fourth, saving and/or screenshots of our content is not allowed here. This is a vent account, use your common sense.

Fifth, System responsibility is a thing we follow, but respect the fact that at this point in time I may be delayed in the knowledge that someone else made a post on here. I may not get to everything immediately.

If there is any issue you think should be stated or encouraged to be corrected, you are free to give your constructive criticism on how aspects of our blog can be edited to be safer for others if seen more. Passive aggression and shifty replies will be ignored. If it’s something someone can very easily block or walk away from, please do not bring it up to me.

Now that I know I’m not above needing supply to function here is a non exhaustive list of things that give me supply as a narc

- listening to music that validates my emotions/internal experience

- watching characters that I kin/heavily project on and can live vicariously through

- talking to people.

- going to social outings, dressing esp nice for it. If it’s something considered “cool” like going out to dinner in a big city, blasting music with friends in a car, being noticed <3<3 I feel like I’m in a movie . Depression? Don’t know her

- dressing in clothing I can tolerate wearing, showing off fashion, even if it’s not in current trends or whatever tf. Clothing is like art to me and art doesn’t have an expiration date

- social media. I hate being perceived though bc of trauma but. It’s an interesting mix

- my antisocial behaviors. Sometimes. Like if I’m doing something reckless and it feels good, esp if it makes me feel free. I get the antisocial superiority and narc high combo and it’s HOT

- having knowledge on things both applicable and non applicable to me! If it gets heads turning and people curious OMG

- sometimes being respectful/considerate?? Like ex using tone tags (not the reason I use them, or even started using them), helping someone with a niche problem, etc. normally my aspd hates people pleasing and would rather die 1000 times but small transactional things are an exception when I want to

- using my hobbies and showing them off

- being complimented by strangers (if it feels genuine)

- my emotions/personal boundaries taken into consideration and acknowledged, especially if it’s with my disabilities or more stigmatized things or stuff I’m ashamed of

- people giving me space when I need it

- reading. I love knowledge

- dubbing songs, quotes, aesthetics, movies, or etc “my own”. It’s Mine now. Btw :3

- silly emoticons! I’m flavorful

- showing off my body sometimes

- fitting into well liked aesthetics or concepts, esp if it has depth and genuinely encompasses me as an individual

- having mutual connections with others

- small comments to me (depending on the person/where they are on my internal hierarchy)

- being taken seriously

- people appreciating all that I am/what I want to be

- gifts!

- people texting first, sending considerate messages, etc

- gifts that relate to my grandiosity!! Like omg you let me be me?? Marry me rn /j

- assigning me anything. I’m a certain color? What song am I? I’m special??

- validating trauma omg

- laughing at my jokes

- sharing hobbies that I have if I share them with you

So I made one

I really wish people talked about cult/isolation trauma more. I don’t know how people work. I don’t know how society works. Everyone who has surrounded me at some point in my life has been affected by my abusers because the extent of the coercive control they have held over me. I don’t know proper development and I don’t know how the world is, but im *trying*, trying so hard when the only blueprints for the world and how to be a human being was layered with twisted levels of abuse and abhorrent, borderline delusional excuses.