Kurt Hummel, domestic work and the socialization of young girls
Kurt Hummel spent over half his life (basically since his mom died) doing domestic and emotional labor for the people in his life. Like everything from cooking, cleaning, furnishing, emotionally regulating for others and even being the person with the "mental load" of making sure that everything was done effectively. He not only made all of Burt's lunches, but he also made sure to make healthy recipes for the sake of his dad's health. He was the person Finn lashed out at when he was getting bullied by jocks in s01e20. He was Rachel's main shoulder to cry on in New York (where he was also working two different jobs as well as studying in NYADA).
When the show says Kurt's an "honorary girl" it's supposed to be a joke, but it's also kind of true. Kurt does the work that's expected of women in all of his relationships. He's been doing the work expected of women since he was eight.
There's a general assumption that girls mature faster than boys, and while on a biological level that is complete bullshit, on a social level it's actually pretty true. Young girls are taught more about household chores than young boys, they are given toy kitchens and babydolls to play with. Young girls are also taught (maybe not intentionally) to be responsible for boys emotions and behaviors. Obviously as kids grow up we want both girls and boys to be emotionally mature and competent enough to live by themselves, but it's usually girls that are taught how (although hopefully that starts to change).
What makes Kurt so interesting to me is that while he was always into girly things, and I assume that Mrs. Hummel did teach him some kitchen skills (probably because he asked her too) I don't think he would have been as mature and competent had Mrs. Hummel still been alive, because he wouldn't have been suddenly socialized as a girl at home. He wouldn't have been the person in charge of emotional labor and domestic housework. And it's because Kurt was basically treated as a girl at home in the social sense (obviously not in a cruel or homophobic way, just in the "there's a role that needs to be filled and Kurt's the one that fills it) that he fits in better with the girls in new directions. It's not that Kurt is gay (cos Blaine is constantly with the guys) or even that he's girlier than the other guys. It's that he was taught to carry the same mental load and have the same emotional maturity as the girls in his life.
This is gonna get klaine and Blaine critical so skip this and the next paragraph if you don't wanna read that. This is also one of the main reasons I don't ship Klaine. Blaine is generally more masculine, and connects more with the guys in new directions, and there's all these times (especially in season 5) where Kurt is doing emotional labor for Blaine and is even giving up on himself for Blaine's sake- like with wss, with how he's the one consoling Blaine after the breakup during Thanksgiving and Christmas (even though Blaine cheated on him) and just the entirety of season 5 episode 16 and Kurt needing to comfort Blaine and reassure him even though Blaine was the one who attacked Kurt in stage combat and kept trying to sabotage his diet (also notice how in this episode Blaine even says that Kurt was always with the girls. And how later he talks about how much he loved being able to protect Kurt, which is similar to how traditionally men see themselves as protectors of women).
When he's with Blaine, Kurt continues to take over the role of "housewife", even though we know that he wants to be a star and work in fashion and/or Broadway. Kurt can't achieve these things and commit to the hours it would take to do it all if he's also busy with domestic work and handling all the feeling of his friends and husband. And Blaine reenforces the idea that Kurt shouldn't get to live his dream. Not intentionally, of course, but by subtlety seeing Kurt in the domestic role, and by how jealous he gets when Kurt's doing better than him professionally, he's continuing the pattern of all of Kurt's relationships; Kurt's in the background, supporting everyone else.
Honestly Kurt's ideal partner would be someone who would let Kurt shine. It'd be someone who is willing to take the load of Kurt and do the domestic and emotional work with him. Someone who would also acknowledge all the work that Kurt does and show genuine gratitude for it. Because other than maybe Burt, most of the people in Kurt's life don't even seem to realize how much he's done and given up for them.
Why do you think Rose's turn was his best performance?? It was Kurt's anger at always being in the background, giving everyone love and sacrificing his dreams only to not get anything back for it.
Anyways! Tl;dr from the age of eight Kurt was socialized very similarly to how young girls are, and I think it's something so fundamental to his character that you can't really discuss any of his long term archs (his relation to masculinity and femininity, his love life, his (lack of) autonomy and his space in the queer community) without understanding how he adapted to his mom dying by taking over her role in the home.
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