my dash is a mess

“I thought perhaps we’d only talk” Jeremy confessed. No response. Jeremy chuckled pausing his fingers as they ran through Simon’s hair.

“No, don’t stop.” Simon whined. He was lying in Jeremy’s lap, they had another late rehearsal and the pair had snuck away to a deserted hallway.

“We told Mr. Mazzuchelli that we were coming out here to run lines, Simon.” Jeremy chastised, but he began to run his fingers through the boy’s soft hair anyway.

“We don’t need to run lines. We both know the scene by heart.”

“Then why do you keep dropping lines, huh?” Jeremy teased even though they both definitely knew why. Simon didn’t say anything, just glared at Jeremy before sitting up and moving so that they we’re facing each other.

“So are you sorry, that we—“

“No! I love you Hanschen. As I have never loved anyone.”

“And so you should.” Simon finished the scene. Jeremy went to say something, but Simon stopped him. Simon mouthed ‘sing’. Jeremy raised his eyebrows questioningly. Really? They were gonna sing now too? Simon just nodded and gestured for Jeremy to continue.

“Fine.” Jeremy sighed and cleared his throat before starting to sing. “Oh, I’m gonna be wounded oh” Jeremy couldn’t help it, looking into Simon’s wide eyes, he wondered if there was any of Ernst’s truth with him right there. Sure, Simon was no master manipulator like Hanschen and Jeremy didn’t think that Simon would intentionally hurt him. Yet, here they were. Practicing their lines in some empty hallway, away from everyone else.

When Simon finally admitted his feelings to Jeremy, he felt like he was walking on clouds. Jeremy had had a crush on Simon for all of high school and now he knew his feelings were returned. Then of course, reality hit. It wasn’t safe for Simon to come out; he had no idea how his family would react, just that it wouldn’t be good. Jeremy respected Simon and wanted him to be safe, but he also wanted to hold his hand and sit next to him during rehearsals. Jeremy didn’t think that Simon could avoid him more than he had after their parking lot kiss, but he was wrong. After Simon’s confession, Jeremy thought they would be a real couple, but as soon as he and Simon started hanging out privately, all public interactions ceased entirely. Simon would barely even look at Jeremy if there were any other people around.

“Oh I’m gonna bruise you.” Simon began to sing with Jeremy, taking his hand and moving closer, exactly like Mr. Mazzu had blocked it. “Oh, you’re gonna be my bruise.” The song finished; Jeremy began to turn away, reaching for his script, but Simon stopped him. Simon cupped Jeremy’s face, turning him back so that they were facing each other before leaning in. Jeremy wasn’t sure if he was about to kiss Simon or if Ernst was about to kiss Hanschen, but he closed his eyes and leaned in either way.

Simon’s lips were soft against Jeremy’s. Jeremy remembered how awed he’d been by how soft Simon’s lips were when they kissed in the parking lot. But that was the only similarity between the two kisses. In the parking lot, Jeremy felt frantic, just waiting to be pushed away, now he took his time, wrapped his arms around Simon’s neck and pulled him closer. The parking lot kiss was fast and forbidden, this was slow and deep and open. Jeremy could pretend that this was normal, that Simon was his boyfriend, that they were allowed to just be teenagers in a relationship.

Simon slowly pulled away, clearing his throat and moving back a bit, picking up his script. His whole face was red and he wouldn’t make eye contact with Jeremy. It was hard for Jeremy to process Simon being embarrassed after he was the one who initiated the kiss.

“Was that Simon or Hanschen?” Jeremy asked jokingly, trying to clear the air and offering Simon an out if he needed it.

“Was that Jeremy or Ernst?” Simon replied. Jeremy sighed, he was avoiding the question.

“Jeremy. That was me.” He answered, hoping that Simon would take that as his cue to answer. He wasn’t exactly why this felt like such an important point, but he needed to know.

“Jeremy,” Simon began, rubbing his eyes. “That was me. Of course that was me.” He groaned, “Oh man, what am I gonna do?”

“What?” Jeremy asked, confused as to what Simon was referring to.

“I kissed you. I kissed you and I liked it.”

“Thank you?” Jeremy murmured, still not sure where this was going.

“You know what I mean. I shouldn’t even be thinking about kissing a boy, let alone actually doing it.” Jeremy let out a breathe, finally realizing what Simon was saying. He wished he could have been some sort of help but Simon’s family was way too intense for him. Don’t get him wrong, Jeremy still wasn’t sure how to match his faith with these new found feelings, but he just couldn’t even consider something that felt so right being wrong. It just wasn’t possible.

“Got it.” Jeremy said tersely. He moved back, away from Simon and picked up his script, leaning through it in an attempt to avoid Simon and maybe change the subject.

“Jeremy, please. I didn’t mean to…” Simon trailed off, gesturing vaguely at the two of them.

“Didn’t mean to what?” He scoffed, “Kiss me? Or like it?” Jeremy knew he was being harsh, but damn it, he had put his heart out on the line too many times to get rejected by Simon Saunders again.

“To hurt you. To dragged you into this.” Simon finished calmly. He seemed defeated. Jeremy didn’t respond so he went on, “You deserve someone who can hold your hand in public, or kiss you without freaking out. I’m not that someone.” Simon began to stand up, ready to head back to rehearsal.

“Damn it.” Jeremy muttered, pulling Simon back down and pressing their lips together again. The kiss was short and sweet, ending as abruptly as it began. “I don’t want someone. I want you.” Jeremy confessed as they pulled apart. Simon blinked at him, processing what had been said. If Jeremy was being honest, it didn’t feel real to him either. The proposal that this could be something, that the two of them could be something, seemed chimerical.

“Um, we.. we should get back to the scene.” Simon stuttered, smiling wide and turning his attention back to the scene.

Joaquin wasn’t quite sure how to answer Kevin. It wasn’t like Joaquin was ashamed of Kevin or anything, it was more that he was afraid. Not of Kevin, but of what would happen if the serpents knew about Kevin. If FP knew that Joaquin was dating the sheriff’s son, well, Joaquin didn’t want to even think about what would happen then. Kevin noticed Joaquin’s hesitation.

“I’m sorry. Forget about it. I don’t want to push you or anything.” Kevin began to move back down to the floor and his food.

“No, wait.” Joaquin said, reaching out and grabbing Kevin by the arm. Kevin turned and looked at Joaquin. There, in his eyes, was a kind of vulnerability that Joaquin had never seen from Kevin before. “Kev, it’s not you. I swear it’s not.”

Kevin hesitantly sat back down next to Joaquin on the couch, “Okay.. Well then what is it?”

Joaquin sighed. “I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Of you. Of this. Of, of the serpents.”

The last one seemed to catch Kevin’s attention, “I thought the serpents were okay with the fact that you were gay?”

This was it. This was Joaquin’s out. He didn’t have to tell Kevin about his fears of FP, about everything that he had done. He could just say that he was afraid of some southside homophobes. It was an perfect, easy lie, so why was Joaquin having such a hard time telling it?

“That’s not exactly what I’m afraid of Kev–”

“Damn it Joaquin.” Kevin sighed, but he didn’t seem angry. “I can’t believe I even asked you, I’m so dumb.” He brought his hand up to Joaquin’s face, gently rubbing his jaw with his thumb. “Of course, you need to stay safe. I’d rather be with you in secret then have you get threatened by some barbarian.” Kevin pressed a short kiss to Joaquin’s cheek, “I’m sorry” then he pressed his lips to Joaquin’s.

Joaquin leaned into the kiss wanting to get as close to Kevin as possible. How had he managed to land such a perfect boy? Kevin was smart and funny and understanding, and Joaquin was.. What was he? Right now, he felt like a shitty boyfriend. Sure he hadn’t actually lied to Kevin, but he hadn’t exactly told him the truth. Still, Kevin had jumped to that conclusion, he had tried to explain. Joaquin was rationalizing, he knew it. But he really didn’t want to think about it. Especially not when Kevin was climbing over him, straddling him and deepening the kiss further.

“Hmm, oh. Kevin.” Joaquin murmured. He brought his hand up from Kevin’s hips and to the back of his neck, curling his fingers into Kevin’s short hair. “What did I do to deserve you?”

“Shh.” Kevin whispered. “Shut up and kiss me.” He paused for a split second before adding, “And take your hair down.”

Joaquin laughed and removed his hands from Kevin’s hair to bring them up to his own, pulling out the hair-tie and shaking his head a bit to free his hair. Kevin made a sound akin to a growl before tackling Joaquin so that he was now lying on the couch and kissing him, hard. Joaquin moved easily with Kevin smiling into the kiss and decidedly not thinking about FP or the serpents or anything that wasn’t Kevin Keller (plus, Joaquin was pretty sure that he would not be allowed to call himself a gay teen if he let FP Jones distract him from a makeout session with Riverdale’s hottest).

They stayed that way for a while, just groping and kissing on the Keller couch. They didn’t pull away until Kevin’s phone began to buzz.

“You gonna get that?” Joaquin asked, slightly out of breath. Kevin was kissing down his jawline and neck, determined to cover him in hickeys it seemed.

“Uh-uh” Kevin mumbled from Joaquin’s collarbone. Joaquin just chuckled. He almost let himself fall back into Kevin completely, but when he turned his head, he caught a glimpse of the caller ID. Quickly he pushed Kevin away from his neck.

“Shit. Kev, it’s your dad. You should answer it.” Joaquin maneuvered his way out from underneath Kevin and Kevin answered the phone.

“Hey Dad.” As Kevin began talking to Sheriff Keller, Joaquin began packing up, buttoning his shirt, pulling on his jacket and shoes, searching for his phone in the couch cushions.

“Uh-huh. Yup. It’s all okay Dad, I’ll see you soon. Bye.” Kevin sighed, hanging up the phone. He looked up at Joaquin, who was still preparing to leave. “Do you have to go?” Kevin pleaded.

“Do you really want me to meet your dad like this?”  He gestured to his disheveled appearance, “I think I oughta go.”

Kevin huffed, moving to the side of the couch so that he could lean over the arm and kiss Joaquin again. “My dad’ll like you. I promise.”

“Okay, you need to go to sleep. You’re talking crazy.”

“Just, let me pretend okay?” Kevin replied blissfully, “Let me pretend that my dad isn’t the sheriff and that some serpents aren’t homophobic and that all my friends knew and we could kiss wherever we wanted with no worries.” Joaquin felt a wave of guilt crash over him. Kevin just smiled and gave Joaquin one last kiss. “I’m happy with just pretending.”

As he rode back to the Southside, Joaquin lingered on Kevin’s words. Kevin was happy with pretending, so why should he feel bad? Maybe Joaquin’s lie–no, omission of truth–wasn’t a big deal. So what if it forced Kevin to lie to his dad and friends? Even Joaquin couldn’t rationalize it really. Joaquin didn’t think he could handle the weight of lying to Kevin; he vowed to tell Kevin tomorrow that they could go public. Joaquin was a lot of things, a gang-member, a teenager, a brother, a gay kid, but he was not a liar.