Aish💥

I am sorry im not very consistent and kinda ditched this app. Hehe sorry

Today, I came back because instead of going to a therapist, I chose to rant here anonymously. I want to study at a university in another city. And my parents are like noooooo that's sssooooo unsaffeeeee , you dont know how cruel the reallll world isss (im a Southasian rapunzel).

We have been going on and off bickering because im deadset on that university cuz like its literally the best one out there. Why is everyone like that? Why can you not make an effort to get your head out? Why do I have to suffer because a lousy man is filled with ego and lust?

At instances like these, I want to simply stab myself in the heart and put an end to this drama. Its sooo frustrating and infuriating like hello? I can not even enjoy the mall alone with my friends, let alone travel alone. Like its sooo annoying. For once just for once, I want to live on my own terms, by myself, make my decisions, feel confident, and be on my own. The environment at home feels so suffocating with all the restrictions and other issues. For the past 3 years, I have wanted to move cities or country in the name of studies. Yes, I want good quality education, and yes, I want to be away from home while I get that.

I am almost done with my exams. There are only three left and they will take place in early June.

So for now I am FREEEIEE FREEIEE FREEEIE

But does that mean my life has gotten any easier? Buahaaha NO!

In fact, now I have to worry about internships, extra courses, university entrance exams, and SATs (maybe). I cant even make an impressive CV, the thought of interview sends chills through my spine (Im a softie :3). Asking for help is even harder like wdym I have to admit I can not ace all of this on my own. Theres sooooo much I have to do and I am still struggling with discipline and consistency.

I hope I figure all of this out and everything goes amazing. Cause I will crash out if it doesn't. Yall dont need to tell me how bad I suck, I know it. The only achievement I have would be my Olevel results. Can a CV be a one-liner? (^_^;)

Also, how the hell am I supposed to maintain a LinkedIn account. Yall are so demanding, but then there's so many overachieving nerds in my batch (no hate to them they are hardworking amazing ppl. I wish I could get some inspiration from them, but they're so cool how do I even approach😭).

Sidenote: I am rewatching wifty. AND, like, who decided to skip all of those fluffy high school moments from my life?? I also want an amazing cool group of friends. Hehe.

I may have used some excess minoxidil on my scalp, and now it itches :( so imma go

IF I AM THE PHYSICS NERD (the possibility to it is like 10%) THEN HAVE I CONQUERED THE WORLD??

Because I think that people who are naturally good at physics are like super cool. Even though I am one of those maths nerds, for the whole year, I had such a hard time understanding the concepts of physics, especially the entire dynamics chapter.

Yesterday, I learnt about cheap dopamine, and I think it was everything I needed to know about my brain chemistry. So like, yall know what's dopamine, right? It's the chemical in your brain that works as a reward system; so like when you eat your favourite food and you get that instant hit of joy and happiness. Yep, that's a dopamine hit.

Now the purpose of dopamine is to reward you for hardwork and the suffering that comes when you're grinding for a task (e.g. after a workout or like when you work super hard for a test and it's over; that feeling of happiness and satisfaction). It happens so you can remain motivated to do your daily hardwork and hence, remain disciplined.

Now comes the cheap dopamine hits. These dopamine hits are when you do something and it gives you that instant shot of happiness and joy. Like eating that burger from that particular restraunt. Or a more common example is the constant doomscrolling we all are addicted to some extent. It gives you 2 or 3 times the normal dopamine hits and mind you this type of dopamine comes without hardwork/grinding/discipline. Its like you lay in bed all day on your phone scrolling, eating junk food and you're still getting the dopamine. Now thats what we call "Cheap dopamine" because 1) It does not come off as a reward like the real purpose of dopamine is to reward you for good stuff yet this one comes by rewarding you for being lazy. 2) Its 2 or 3 times greater than the normal good dopamine hits you experience.

This is why these kinds of dopamine hits are bad for you.

1. Your brain gets addicted to those high dopamine levels. That is why many of us find ourselves constantly seeking a chance to scroll even when we have a high priority task at hand. It's like the key to unlocking all sorts of addictions; junk food, reels, or worse, like alcohol or drugs.

2. Your discipline is outta the window. Because when your brain is getting the cheap dopamine for free why will there be any motivation for you to grind or work hard. (Now that I think this might be the reason I am such a procrastinator😭)

In Islam, we have this thing called "nafs." Your nafs is the source to ALL your desires and cravings. A bowl of ramen almost every week even when I know it's gradually weakening my gut health, but, Oh I feel like it. Yep, that's nafs. Or the urge to nap in a physics lecture. It's like the powerhouse that pushes you to do stuff that may be harmful for you and even the community (e.g. stealing or trespassing just for the thrill of it). So, in Islam, we are told to constantly fight against our nafs. We also have a term for it "Jihad bil nafs" (Jihad means to fight). According to Quran and Sunnah, it is the hardest form of fighting. Because the thing is, your nafs is like a baby. The more you give in to it, the more spoiled it gets. You have to be firm with it. The one thing I have learnt is to go for the harder, more challenging stuff. Like take a cold instead of a hot shower in the morning, do things that constantly require effort from you. Actively prevent yourself from giving in to your nafs even in small harmless things, for example, not leaving dishes in the sink or making your bed first thing in the morning. All of this is training to your nafs so it is not as evil and does less work to push you in the loophole of desires . While doing all of this, you're actively blocking the cheap dopamine.

A few things that we are taught for Jihad bil nafs:

Reflection: Think about your purpose and how much you are actively locking in for it. How much effort are you doing for your future? Are you leaving room for regrets? If you're Muslim, reflect upon the Day of Judgement, and the fact that you will be held accountable for the time and resources you wasted, and questioned for the sins you committed and harm you brought upon yourself and on the people around you.

Firmness: This is literally all I wrote above on how to challenge yourself. You can also take inspiration from the life of Prophet Muhummad (PBUH) even if you're not Muslim.

Self evaluation: Reflect on a daily basis on your actions. Now I know it's hard when all you want to do is dump your body on the bed and snore, but being held accountable brings shame and guilt, which eventually pushes you to perform better. Someone once told that writing an hourly diary on what they did during that particular hour worked wonders for them. So erm, if you can go for it 💪 (cuz I sure could not do it😭). My only evaluation was done by my Asian mother, and that kinda worked for me, so I still need to work on my Self evaluation skills👾.

You can set goals for yourself to work against your bad habits. For example, no social media at least 2 hours after waking up.

If you're Muslim, please please please remember Allah using His names. When I tell you, it works WONDERS it does. Like praying to Allah for help, success, being grateful, when scared, guilty. ANYTHING. I repeat anything. Just remember Allah. It's like the key to everything. Also, Allah has asked believers to call upon Him using His Names, and He will respond.

Here are some Names of Allah you can use while making Dua:

Al Fattah (The Opener)

An Nafi (The Benefactor)

Al Wahhab (The Bestower)

An Nasir (The Helper)

Al Mujib (The Responsive)

As Salam (The Source of Peace)

There are ofcourse 99 names, but you can use these to get started.

If you've read till here tell me what you think of all of this.

Love yall,

I have like a 1000 tumblr post on pintrest, and boy, I think it was time I joined the platform. So yep here I am in hopes to write stupid blogs and all the things my inner child loved writing about.

For now, I am stuck with finals (Alevel CAIES) and the constant heartbreak cuz up till now atleast 70% exams were leaked. But hey I am gonna suck it up and try giving it the best I could yk. So toxic study motivations here I come.