Clearing My Headspace

I did nothing wrong. The power flickered on and off during a storm yesterday afternoon, and then again randomly late last night, well after the storm was over.

I’ve had issues with the circuits in the house not being able to handle a certain combo of appliances, and I’ve made adjustments. Despite knowing that, I panicked that I fucked something up that caused the last flicker. In reality it was likely just from crews working to fix something for other people who still didn’t have power back.

But my trauma had my brain wired all night, worried that I was the problem. I was literally shaking from the anxiety.

The top of my “to do” list today is to establish care with a doctor here in Florida. I need to get treatment for my perimenopause symptoms which includes increased anxiety (among other things).

I had autistic meltdowns because you treated me like shit and then you got mad about it. I hope someday someone says that out loud to you and you hear how fucking stupid that is.

My thoughts have been on a loop while I try to remind my nervous system that while I’m hurting it’s not actually my fault and the anxiety attack is unnecessary.

I need constant reminders that the person gaslighting me into thinking I’m the problem for reacting poorly to being bullied, is the actual problem for bullying me since childhood in the first place. That if I hadn’t been put on the defensive from the time I was able to speak, I wouldn’t constantly feel the need to defend myself now. That their disdain for my poor reactions to being bullied wouldn’t be a problem if they hadn’t been awful to me for the entirety of our existence together.

Have my emotions been uncontrolled and inexplicably intense in the past? Yes. Do I know now that part of that is autism and part of it is CPTSD? Yes. Is that an excuse? No, it’s an explanation that if I had any type of supports or therapy from the start, I could have had different life experience.

I feel disgusted that all of this has made me the black sheep. Ableism and emotional immaturity have gone so unchecked and no one has been held accountable for the cause but I’ve been ridiculed for the effect. I’m enraged that in the end no one gives a shit about the actual human they hurt - just that they’re seen as the savior they think they are.

The gaslighting is undeniable and was evident when I sent a letter that she rejected because I supposedly didn’t take responsibility for my actions and behavior. But what about her actions and behavior? There is never any accountability there. And I can never say the right thing. Communicating with her is an impossible task.

So, when I got a “last email” this week with devastating information and she once again blamed my lack of responsibility, I got angrier than I have ever been. I took a day to process, and then I decided I am absolutely fucking done.

Photo by Alexas Fotos on Pexels.com It’s been almost 365 days since I last spoke to my older sister, and about 4 months longer since I last spoke to my younger sister. I am sure that they’ve viewed this no-contact period as a “tantrum” or similar “immature” behavior because I didn’t like what they said to me or about me. At least that’s what I believe based on my past experiences with them.

But my own sisters laughed at the thought that I self-diagnosed my autism. One of them literally laughed in my face. They both ridiculed me.

Bullshit.

First, I know this was on the air in 2009, and at the time Asperger’s was still an acceptable diagnosis (or “high functioning autism), but that doesn’t make the statement any less inappropriately stereotypical or hurtful.

Side note: Dr. Asperger was a Nazi and a eugenicist. The diagnosis was removed from the DSM-5 and is no longer used. Some people (ie mostly white males who were the predominant group to get this diagnosis) do still call themselves “Aspis” but they are perpetuating the ableist and harmful Nazi supremacist ideals the diagnosis was born from. It is largely shunned by the autistic community.

The truth is that many autistic people feel very deeply. Overwhelmingly so… which can lead to autistic meltdowns and burnout. The reason it’s called a spectrum disorder is because it’s a variation of traits that are experienced and expressed in a myriad of ways.

Also, this notion that non-verbal autistic people can’t express themselves is major bullshit. They may express themselves in a way others can’t understand. They may have different ways to communicate other than through language.

I know it’s just a show and I know it aired a long time ago but these are the very harmful stereotypes and media portrayals that have left me unable to get a formal diagnosis as an adults, and left others without the supports that they need even if they do have a formal diagnosis.

I can’t stand Sean from “The Good Doctor” for the same reason. The stereotypes and naivety he portrays are the actual worst because it perpetuates the stigma that autistic people are clueless about social norms and emotionless drones. We are absolutely capable of learning social norms. We absolutely feel just like allistic (non-autistic) people

I have amazing friends who love and accept me but before I found them, I spent the majority of 40 years trying to make people like me, and pretending to be someone I thought others wanted me to be. I think all of that has taken a larger toll on me than I’ve ever realized before.

Taking the masks off has left me feeling like I can just be who I want to be, but it doesn’t erase old habits, emotions, and behavior from those traumas.

A neurotypical person won’t score above a 65. Anyone scoring above that is likely autistic (and may want to seek further evaluation).

When I first heard about it I was just curious… I scored a 145. After working to unmask my ADHD for a while I took it again. I scored a 158.

Today I took it again because I’d been doubting myself after my sisters laughed at my self diagnosis and belittled me for it.

I didn’t answer the questions truthfully at first. I kept justifying answers instead of just being honest with myself. My score was still 136. Even when adjusting questions to the way I think someone perceives me.

After changing those answers to the way I truly feel about myself, my score was 168.

If someone ever said to you “stop making neurodivergence your whole personality,” what would you say in response? Because by definition a neurodivergence is a neurological disorder (I strongly dislike that word but it’s the scientific term) affects your behaviors. Isn’t that at least a part of your personality?? How you behave and how you react to the world around you is a huge part of who you are, so why is it…

In my journey of discovering I’m finding that my sensory issues are not my ADHD and are more likely Autism related. It’s possible that two disorders coexist more than previously though, and that things like “sensory processing disorder” are more likely an autistic trait rather than a comorbidity of ADHD. Meltdowns happen to me when I’m overstimulated and overwhelmed from sensory processing issues. This can…

There are tons of good memories mixed with a lot more bad and it’s hard. I wonder if it ever gets easier. It’s all high school trauma.

I wonder if I’d known then that I was ADHD (and probably autistic) if any of this would feel different now.

It is A LOT to process. Probably going to be a longer post later.

I dealt with a lot of emotions over the weekend, particularly yesterday. Read on in the link to learn more.

I've decided to start typing out my thoughts and experiences learning about my ADHD and the grieving process that comes along with a late-diagnosis.

It's been helpful to express myself on my main blog but I want to be able to find all of these thoughts in one place, so I started a wordpress page and thought some of you will find it interesting or helpful. Or even if you don't but you know someone that will, please feel free to share this with them.