🦉This is an interesting breakdown! It seems i didn't provide enough context in the previous post. If the takeaway from the original is "you should be a doormate", I definitely did a bad job of explaining my suggestions! Let me try to respond, and maybe come to some conclusion about how to improve it via your suggestions :)
"this reads like you see intense emotions as not part of the everyday human experience"
It's unfortunate that my personal experience made you feel unseen here! As someone previously diagnosed with major depressive disorder, I sometimes feel a sense of distance from emotions as "normal". What language do you think I could use there, to be less alienating?
For Context, I'm giving advice here about how best to structure a relationship in which one person has more intense or more frequently intense emotions than the other person.
you do not have to be the one to calm the situation down every single time
you cannot control being hurt, it's not a switch you can turn off or on
You're not the first to point out that "don't be hurt" is a bit intense. I was trying to convey something like "Ideally, you want to set your boundaries and their consequences such that, whenever possible, you will not be hurt. Being someone who is generally able to take care of their own emotional state, even in the face of intense emotions from your partner, is incredibly good for keeping that partner safe in the relationship". What do you think of that phrasing?
if they do not get what they want the first time and keep asking anyway… that person does not respect your no and does not respect your boundaries. and that is an extreme red flag.
Totally agreed. It's unfortunate that there are people out there who, for various reasons, do not respect boundaries the first time they hit the consequences. It's a very scary thing to have a relationship with someone like that. Obviously, most BPD people are /not/ like that, but I happen to have had a relationship with someone who was, and it took a few times of breaching a boundary before she learned to respect it.
I suppose part of the reason I bring it up is that, well, I want even people who struggle with consent to have a chance to learn. And being a partner who is implacable in enforcing the same boundaires over and over is a chance for that person to /learn/ the skill of intuitively respecting consent... But I also don't want to encourage /anyone/ to have a relationship with someone who does not understand consent. I guess I don't know the best way to reframe that part.
if somebody breaks up with you because of how they feel at the time, and not because of what's going on, that's extremely toxic.
Similar to above, it's absolutely toxic behavior. It's also something I've experienced repeatedly, and something that comes up often on webpages dedicated to helping BPD partners. So I thought it was worth mentioning from the onset as a thing to expect, and how I recommend handling it.
you said "if not when" and then immediately go into saying "when they do return" take your own advice.
hahaha, very good catch! I should do that, apologies.
expecting somebody to come back every single time they break up with you… No
Ah, that's not what I was suggesting. Maybe I should have said "Never say 'when you come back', because it's a shitty thing to say to someone who is currently emotional. Even if you expect your partner to be back in a few hours, don't imply they will by saying 'when you come back', which is rude and treats them as not an adult capable of making their own decisions"
this is a guide on how to be a doormat in an unhealthy at best relationship, and abusive at worst.
That's a fair critique. I'm giving advice on how to have a relationship with people with a disability, potentially someone with significant past abuse and skill gaps. I've seen similar critiques leveled at advice to being the partner of someone with other personality disorders, mental disabilities, or even physical disabilities.
Ultimately, everyone should decide for themself whether they can be a good partner to whoever it is they love. Sometimes, the answer is no and you should break up! I don't advocate for staying in a relationship that is mutually detrimental and toxic. But, for this post, I'm giving advice to people who have decided not to give up.
