don't take the url literally lmao. this is for @bungoustraypups discourse shit bc i wanted somewhere to keep it all in case followers didnt wanna see it on their dash. im 26, he/fae/tiger pronouns OR any except for she/they/it dont use they for me its misgendering and there is no excuse for it. read my carrd but if ur disrespectful i will simply block u
hello and welcome to my kitchen / discourse blog! before u attempt it/if u are thinking about doing it, i delete all anon hate jsyk bc i don't like to give cowards any attention and i think it's funny <3
nasty ppl such as terfs/swerfs, transandrophobes/ppl who think trans men/transmascs arent oppressed specifically for being trans men/transmascs, anti-mspec lesbians/anti-mspec gays, pan/aro/ace/whoever exclus, fascists, white supremacists, and all people along those lines, who reblog my posts and/or try to fight with me get blocked immediately i don't waste my time you are not worth it, get help n become a better person
i don't send death threats nor do i suibait bc that's pure insanity. however telling terfs/fascists/etc to die is not a death threat nor is it suibaiting. u chose to be an active member of a hate group first and u can stop doing that at any point u just don't want to and therefore any violence (as if someone saying "die" online is violence but yknow for the sake of argument) directed towards you, you have brought upon yourself. cry about it to the rest of your bigot friends bc i don't care about you and never will
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Sometimes things are about transgender men. Sometimes we are in fact primary targets of bigotry. Sometimes transphobic policy is created with us in mind. Sometimes you need to center our voices. Sometimes you actually need to listen to us. Sometimes you need to have some basic decency and listen to us. Sometimes you have to consider we exist. Sometimes you need to have some basic decency and stop using us as punching bags. Sometimes you need to have some basic decency and uplift us. Sometimes you need to stop being a terrible person for a single minute. Sometimes you need to stop being transphobic. Sometimes you need to stop being transphobic. Sometimes you need to stop being transphobic. For just a moment. Please.
Man, it sucks that so much of the transfeminism tag is just people shitting on trans man/mascs and bending over backwards to justify mistreating us (and also denying our material realities as people that are widely seen as failed women and are thus treated as such).
No, your hatred of trans men/mascs is not somehow justified because you can couch it in a bunch of pseudo-intellectual jargon. No, acknowledging that trans men/mascs are mostly viewed as and subsequently treated like failed women in the eyes of society is not us "clinging to our AGAB" or weaponizing it against trans women/fems. No, trans men/mascs talking about our experiences or using a word you don't like to describe our experiences doesn't mean we're antifeminist. Yes, you are an asshole and need to reconsider your life choices if you disagree with any of this.
trans woman who thinks trans men are all uniquely predispositioned towards misogyny has normal opinions about other queer people and community in general
Just when you think people are starting to become amenable to the whole concept of "Hey, maybe transgender men are actually oppressed for being transgender men, you know" the tag gets flooded with 1847284 posts about how transandrophobia doesn't exist and we're all just stupid misogynistic chuds at the top of the patriarchy ladder who need to be taught feminism 101, or better yet, killed with stones
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Remember, trans men shouldn't be allowed in women's spaces™ or Sapphic space™ since they're men. Also they don't belong in trans spaces™ since they take value recourses from trans women who face challenges in life that the Tboy™ brain couldn't begin to even comprehend. But also if they try to organize their own spaces, they will inevitably become incels becouse a grouping of men is a threat™. And if trans men ever complain about being erased or invisible or not represented, that their fault for not doing the work!
Unironically I think the early to mid 20s age group in America has unbelievably bad consent boundaries on all levels and so much language to defend it but this makes me sound like elon musk if I say it however the commonality of someone who will be like “I had 47 panic attacks and it’s your fault” if you tell them no is insane
I rejected someone and got called “the scariest person I’ve ever met” with so much therapy speak interspersed like alright okay alright okay alright okay
“You just say whatever you’re thinking and I don’t know how to handle it” was verbatim part of this conversation. Also everyone hates to see an autistic bitch
When I was in this age bracket, there was a huge emphasis on improving consent culture via graceful rejection, and it's gone by the wayside. Which sucks.
Twice in my youth (once in high school and once in college) I was in situations where I was asking someone out and I could tell they were calculating in their heads the risks of rejecting me, and both times I said, out loud, "you can say no, I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't prepared for either answer." And then they said no. This wasn't some spark of special wisdom I had - I knew to do it because feminist conversations among my age group brought it up regularly. This isn't happening nearly enough anymore.
More recently, I was really glad when we got to "rejection sensitive dysphoria" in my IOP program and it was one of those symptoms where the therapists really emphasized how it affects others. Because it does.
Being someone who cannot handle rejection makes you much more likely to violate boundaries, and yes, that includes sexual ones. Yes, you, reader who has never hurt a fly. If you don't want to stumble backwards into sexually assaulting someone, fix your RSD meltdowns. If you keep them up it's only a matter of time. Because if you're nice enough to interact with, but are known to have RSD meltdowns, guess what happens when your friends and acquaintances need to reject you?
Some of the ways of putting it, above, are extreme to the point of ableism. However, RSD and a lack of distress tolerance are, in fact, how a number of people who are themselves hurting also hurt others in the process. Plenty of people who have their own pain manage to treat others well, not without some mutual awkwardness and emotion and often mutual pain but nevertheless well, because they have learned enough distress tolerance to get through a situation without hitting back verbally or physically, until they can get away and address their own needs.
Some of the moments I am least proud of in my life are things I did because I didn't have enough distress tolerance to stop myself. And some of the people who have treated me the worst in my life were notably unable to not tolerate envy and jealousy, frustration about things they were themselves bad at, or impatience, without lashing out and deciding to hold grudges/exact punishment, over these negative emotions that everyone experiences at some time.
So practice distress tolerance, and teach others that it is important to practice distress tolerance. It's through loving ourselves through negative emotions like that, that we become able to make the world kinder for each other.
I am really glad that of that last addition, because the foregoing comes perilously close to "neurodivergent people are more likely to do sexual assault", and I would rather we weren't stereotyping minorities like that, especially at a time when we've got at least two governments deeply digging themselves into the ableism trenches and specifically targeting neurodivergent people. Stereotypes can have a very real impact on people's safety, in all directions.
And yet we very much do need discussion about what happens when someone enthrones their struggle to take rejection gracefully and demands that others genuflect to it. That can't be normalised as harmless behaviour either.
Likewise, I don't want to overgeneralise about any given generation. I have absolutely watched young people in my community escalate conflicts because interpersonal conflict has only ever been framed for them through the lens of abuse, and the idea that someone might be inept but not malign can get lost. And still there can be very real problems of abuse going on in their lives at the same time, which they are also struggling to grapple with. I think this is a very hard time to be young and that we're lucky we didn't have to do it in the present social media panopticon. I know plenty of older Millennials and Gen Xers who fall into the same traps.
There's limited utility to teaching people how to do conflict if we are not also teaching them how to regulate and how to do repair. Repair can be scary and vulnerable, and of course there are situations when it is not safe, not appropriate, and/or not someone's responsibility to attempt it.
Sometimes repair is simply not possible or desirable. But it is something that I think many of us, of all ages, need to know more about. Because without having repair skills on hand, and without having regulation skills on hand, there can be such pressure on any friendship, any relationship of any kind, to never falter, to never land in the weeds, to never crack under strain. And that is one of the factors that, in my experience, does the most harm.
Unironically I think the early to mid 20s age group in America has unbelievably bad consent boundaries on all levels and so much language to defend it but this makes me sound like elon musk if I say it however the commonality of someone who will be like “I had 47 panic attacks and it’s your fault” if you tell them no is insane
I rejected someone and got called “the scariest person I’ve ever met” with so much therapy speak interspersed like alright okay alright okay alright okay
“You just say whatever you’re thinking and I don’t know how to handle it” was verbatim part of this conversation. Also everyone hates to see an autistic bitch
When I was in this age bracket, there was a huge emphasis on improving consent culture via graceful rejection, and it's gone by the wayside. Which sucks.
Twice in my youth (once in high school and once in college) I was in situations where I was asking someone out and I could tell they were calculating in their heads the risks of rejecting me, and both times I said, out loud, "you can say no, I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't prepared for either answer." And then they said no. This wasn't some spark of special wisdom I had - I knew to do it because feminist conversations among my age group brought it up regularly. This isn't happening nearly enough anymore.
More recently, I was really glad when we got to "rejection sensitive dysphoria" in my IOP program and it was one of those symptoms where the therapists really emphasized how it affects others. Because it does.
Being someone who cannot handle rejection makes you much more likely to violate boundaries, and yes, that includes sexual ones. Yes, you, reader who has never hurt a fly. If you don't want to stumble backwards into sexually assaulting someone, fix your RSD meltdowns. If you keep them up it's only a matter of time. Because if you're nice enough to interact with, but are known to have RSD meltdowns, guess what happens when your friends and acquaintances need to reject you?
there is an odd phenomenon i've been noticing since 2019 about people trying to use their mental health or disorders as an excuse to abuse people in several ways (especially sexually), and it's really disgusting to me as a mentally disabled s/a survivor.
you can't avoid consequences or accountability by using therapy speak or saying your disorder made you do it so i can’t be upset and i need to do what you say. fuck that.
"i have rejection sensitive dysphoria so you need to say ‘yes’ or else you're an abuser and an ableist."
i have rejection sensitive dysphoria too. do you know what i do? i don't abuse people. i journal about feeling hurt, and then i reflect and remind myself of stuff like "this person setting a boundary doesn't mean they hate me” and "the fact that they felt safe enough to tell me they were uncomfortable shows that they still care”. if your rsd causes you to manipulate and force people into shit, WORK ON THAT.
"i'm autistic so social cues and boundaries are hard for me so it's not my fault if i violate you" (this one especially pisses me off since i experienced this firsthand from one of my abusers and his defenders)
guess what? i'm autistic too. i struggle to tell when people are uncomfortable and what made them uncomfortable. and i know social cues are really hard for us, but there is NOTHING more direct than the word “no”. there is nothing more direct than someone outright stating they don’t want something. and sometimes a lack of consent can be subtle, i'll admit, but that’s why you should ask "hey can i do this" or "did it make you uncomfortable when i did that”. it is important for everyone to respect consent, and a disability does not exempt you from that. if your autism causes you to violate people, WORK ON THAT.
i can only speak on how people use rsd and asd as a shield because i don't have the other disorders that people try to justify abusive behaviour with, but if your disorder "makes you" abuse people, WORK ON THAT. it is not impossible to change or improve. it is not ableist to ask you not to hurt others. in fact, claiming you cannot change because of your disorder enforces the stereotype that mentally ill people are inherently dangerous and abusive. i would argue that using a stereotype that has been used to imprison and involuntarily commit people with mental health issues for centuries to justify your actions is at least a bit on the ableist side.
"you're manipulative toxic and abusive for not letting me do this / you saying no triggered me and you made me have a panic attack it’s your fault / etc..."
stop misusing terms meant for trauma survivors and people with mental health issues. guilting people into sex and romantic relationships is still bad even if you coat it in therapy speak.
it's so frustrating watching people use my disabilities to ”get away” with the same terrible actions that were inflicted on me. respect consent or fuck off. no ifs, ands, or buts.
tldr: if your disorder makes you sexually abuse people (or commit other types of abuse), get help and stop trying to act like others just have to deal with it. do not use “therapy speak” (terms made for abuse survivors and those with mental disorders) to justify shitty actions and manipulate people. respect consent.
#long read but holy hard agree#ppl who have no conflict resolution skills outside of exploding or shutting down are genuinely in need of serious help#like it's easy to shit on them or say theyre bad but the reality is so many of us are forced to 'fix' ourselves#and it is Not an easy process#you cannot learn how to healthily cope in a way thats possible for you daily over night#but you Can try#over and over little by little#if you fuck up ppl arent required to forgive you#but when you choose to double down over taking that step back to see the reasons why youve hurt/upset someone#youre also choosing to isolate yourself further#i should know LOL#ive only had to deal w one person like this over the last few years im truly lucky to longer be or have this kind of person in my life#bark
It's also... hard not to feel manipulative when someone's changing their behavior to avoid upsetting you... and you know you get upset easily / irrationally... but you also didn't ask them to do that.
And I suspect those are the more common scenarios, while someone explicitly saying "you have to [x] to avoid upsetting me" is kind of an outlier that's easier to analyse. Like, yeah, that's kind of unambiguously shitty, but because it's more clearcut it's not really the scenario that needs thoughtful consideration.
In one of my relationships, it was more like this:
me: [is upset]
friend: why are you upset?
me: [tries to explain, knowing that my emotional reaction is... IDK, excessive]
friend: is there anything I can do?
me: well, I'm not sure, but [x] seems to be a particular trigger? maybe if you didn't do that I'd be less likely to be upset?
When what I want to navigate to is a situation where it's... OK for me to be upset sometimes. Where that's just kind of a fact of life that doesn't require action. That people would just let me be upset without feeling like either they or I need to do something about it.a
But I also know that scenarios like the above can easily feel manipulative from the other side. (The particular friend in mind has told me so after the fact, about some of our interactions.) And I'm not sure there's an objective analysis that tells us one or the other of us is at fault. I don't think the situation was good for either of us and, not knowing how to change the basic "sometimes I get upset easily, without it being anyone's fault" aspect of the situation nor how to convince someone else to just let it happen, I have trouble figuring out how to navigate this.
Like, anyone who cares about you is going to want to figure out how to avoid you being upset, right? But that + "gets upset easily" is really all it takes to create some bad dynamics.
And advice like "fix your RSD meltdowns" is just unhelpful. Sure, wish I could. Best I've figured out so far is to have them alone most of the time, so that as much as possible I'm the only one harmed. But "just stop having [your mental health issues]" is... uh... yeah, that's also shitty.
“Haha remember when murder-hornets were gonna be a thing? What a nothingburger.”
Yes, because the Washington state government activated like a sleeper-cell and ruthlessly, systematically hunted them down and annihilated them.
“Y2K came to nothing amirite?”
Yes because an army of software engineers working around the clock, losing sleep, and busting ass till the last minute prevented it from happening.
“Remember the hole in the ozone layer?”
You mean the one that was fixed through rigorous world wide government action?
One of the root problems of our society is a refusal or inability by media to articulate that all those “it’s gonna be an apocalypse” disasters were not disasters because we collectively did something about them.
The good news is this is actually quite correctable. I maintain my firm belief that we as humans are capable of solving almost all of our problems, when we decide to do so.
And I still think that’s going to happen. I don’t know when or how, but I do know that abandoning hope won’t help bring it about.
And I refuse to let the cynics own a chunk of my heart.
i’m going to be really honest with you guys i think the tendency to read the absolute worst possible intentions into every action you don’t agree with is getting too automatic and it’s eating you from the inside out
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please reblog even if you can't donate. i need funds
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v/bmo: @kingoffankids
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apple cash: if you have an iphone i have an iphone and can give you my phone number
if there is another free method of money transfer you'd like me to use that is instant or can be done instantly (so not kofi), please let me know and i may be able to get it!
i would like to save up some money for a trip i want to make for my birthday, i'm setting my goal to $600 for this post since i'll be getting some money other ways too! so far ive got $0/$600
So many political posts I hate boil down to "I don't want to organize and work with people I hate and fight for small, incremental victories, I just want to start a revolution where everyone magically becomes an automaton who acts exactly the way I think they should act"
Like damn man, I want that too. Unfortunately I live in reality though so we're stuck with the first thing.
"Modern movements are too fractured, too aimless, with too much infighting and corruption among the leadership. What we need is a revolution, which famously never have any issues with those things" okay then. Good luck I guess
This whole line of thinking comes down to "the current systems and leadership are bad. What we need is a fresh start with only people who are good, and then all the systems will be good". Which is simply not how anything has ever worked!
"We don't have enough people, funding, and power to bring about changes through elections! We have to do an armed revolution instead which thankfully doesn't require people, funding, or power to pull off."
The other diagram pissed me off, so I made my own.
The other diagram, for reference:
Paraphrasing what another user already said, you gotta be extremely out of touch with discourse to think MRAs believe in afab oppression.
I'd argue that trans radfems have a much more solid overlap with MRAs on that front, because they repeatedly expressed that they believe being assigned female gives you a privilege. Their hatred towards detransitioners also stems from it - they tend to equate detransitioners with "afab only former trans men" and see detransition as something trans men are "allowed" to do.
a place where transmasc he/him users are welcomed as lesbians and not treated like the unwelcome straight men they are is not a safe space for transfem lesbians
lots of mixed feelings about this interaction but imagine being a man and speaking to women like this. like this beautiful witty clever cornfield creature is really HOLDING BACK when she makes fun of this "illegal dyke" guy (this style of name is sort of a dogwhistle these days btw)
like imagine being a man, seeing a woman dealing with the complexity of systematic abuse, and then calling her "you people" like that's at all an appropriate way to speak. incredible stuff
illegal-dyke is not a man, and is actually illegal in his country, which is yemen where it is illegal under article 268 for him to have sex with the group of people he's attracted to.
'you people' as in westerners who don't know anything about the real lives of trans people around the world.
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I always felt very confused when I see people online wildly ranting about how “trans men have invaded trans spaces and wildly outnumber trans women”, because in my personal experience, I’ve met many more trans women in my life (both online and off).
Nearly all the transmascs I’ve met in real life were teenagers (with literally one exception), and 80% of those teenagers ended up realising they weren’t trans at all.
I got curious what the actual statistics were like, so, I decided to go ahead and do some research.
I should add a quick caveat that all the sources and studies I looked at were exclusively from global-northern countries, as solid data from the global-south regarding queer individuals is extremely difficult to find due to transphobia in those countries.
The first result I found was this Official Government Report from 2017:
Official Government Statistics from the UK, in 2017, claimed that 77% of people with a Gender Recognition Certificate were MtF, while 23% were FtM.
But that’s old. Really old. So old, non-binary people weren’t even legally recognised! And times have changed a lot for the community. So, let’s look for something newer!
I found a Canadian survey from 2021. After all, aren’t Canadian statistics always the source for claims about “trans male prevalence”? Let’s take a look!
“31% of this gender-diverse population of Canadians over 15 were transgender women (31,600), 28% were transgender men (27,900), and 41% were non-binary (41,400).”
Hmmm. Curious. Given that this survey was taken in 2021, at the height of the pandemic, and accepted answers from teenagers, I’d assume that the numbers might be slightly skewed from how many people were experimenting back then. But, regardless of whether the evidence has a teenage-phase bias or not, we can see that trans women still slightly outnumber trans men.
I was getting a bit tired of not finding any evidence for these people’s wild claims of trans men being vile invaders overpowering the poor frail little transfeminists. After all, people wouldn’t just go on the internet and lie, would they? No way, right?
I spent nearly an hour searching for a study or statistic that had a decent sample-size and only allowed adults to answer. I was tearing my hair out. I was going insane. I was crawling on the walls. But, finally, I found gold.
A 2022 survey, with over 90.000 respondents, that only allowed reports from adults, and ran in the USA! This is perfect. The people complaining about trans men are usually USAmerican, so this must mean this study might finally give a source to their claims! Oh, it’s such a dream!
So, drumroll please…!
“Thirty-eight percent (38%) of respondents identified as nonbinary, 35% as a transgender woman, 25% as a transgender man, and 2% identified as simply crossdressers.”
Mm. You mean to tell me that… trans men... are not only less frequent than trans women… but also… they’re the least common group of people who actually identify as transgender??
Mmmmmm……..
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…. so…. the anger at “trans men invading trans people’s spaces” is…. unfounded, dumb, and bigoted?
truly i think this phenomenon where people get pissed at trans men for taking up space, and see us this way as ‘invading’ trans spaces, is a direct result of our erasure and the fact that, until very recently, we were way more likely to die super young than trans women due to even more pervasive and intense institutional and interpersonal misogyny against us landing us in domestic violence situations and asylums and shit like that even more often than nowadays (plus our still incredibly high suicide rate, even among trans people).
it’s kind of similar to the way people see trans people in general, or autistic people, people with ADHD, etc., as being everywhere now when in reality all of those groups are still a minority but less of us repress ourselves bc of increased awareness and decreased punishment.. or how cis men perceive women as dominating the conversation when they speak about 30% of the time while cis men speak the other 70% of the time. by that, i don’t mean to draw a 1-to-1 between cis gender dynamics and trans gender dynamics btw. trans women aren’t the same as cis men and things are way more complicated than either trans women or trans men being equivalent to cis men (or cis people in general) who are our oppressors.
what i mean is that people are used to trans men being out of sight and out of mind, and only recently has there been a movement of trans men intentionally taking up space in the trans community and refusing to be erased, so people think of that as evidence that we are oppressing and silencing other trans people by refusing to make ourselves small anymore in spaces that are supposed to have room for us.
people do feel the spotlight being moved away from being centered on them when that happens to them, and perceive that as losing their rightful share of the pie, when in reality it’s more like their share of the pie is shrinking from 95% towards 50% and they are angry now, while it’s at like 80% still. this is true of intercommunity trans dynamics as much as it is true of any other dynamic between a portion of a population that is visible and taken somewhat seriously (even if not completely, as in this case) and the other portion of the population that is erased and silenced much more consistently.
and the difference IS drastic bc now we aren’t letting ourselves be erased, but we’re still not that far from the zero visibility we were graciously allowed prior to taking matters into our own hands. especially in spaces for trans ADULTS or in all ages trans spaces. to date, the ONLY trans spaces i’ve been in that have had more trans guys than trans girls (that weren’t SPECIFICALLY for transmasculine people, or inclusive of all genders but still centered specifically around transmasculinity, and therefore more appealing to transmascs and our eggs and allies, like tboy wrestling or drag king performances) have been groups for specifically teenagers/kids back when i was still a minor.
every trans space i’ve ever been in that was for all genders and not focused on specifically one, and was for adults or all ages were overwhelmingly a ton of trans women, then some nonbinary people, then a couple of trans men. even in general queer spaces, when i see trans ADULTS there, then at least half the time, if not more often, they’re trans women, while trans KIDS are closer to half and half, maybe with a slightly higher proportion of trans boys than girls when they’re 10-16 years old.
I always felt very confused when I see people online wildly ranting about how “trans men have invaded trans spaces and wildly outnumber trans women”, because in my personal experience, I’ve met many more trans women in my life (both online and off).
Nearly all the transmascs I’ve met in real life were teenagers (with literally one exception), and 80% of those teenagers ended up realising they weren’t trans at all.
I got curious what the actual statistics were like, so, I decided to go ahead and do some research.
I should add a quick caveat that all the sources and studies I looked at were exclusively from global-northern countries, as solid data from the global-south regarding queer individuals is extremely difficult to find due to transphobia in those countries.
The first result I found was this Official Government Report from 2017:
Official Government Statistics from the UK, in 2017, claimed that 77% of people with a Gender Recognition Certificate were MtF, while 23% were FtM.
But that’s old. Really old. So old, non-binary people weren’t even legally recognised! And times have changed a lot for the community. So, let’s look for something newer!
I found a Canadian survey from 2021. After all, aren’t Canadian statistics always the source for claims about “trans male prevalence”? Let’s take a look!
“31% of this gender-diverse population of Canadians over 15 were transgender women (31,600), 28% were transgender men (27,900), and 41% were non-binary (41,400).”
Hmmm. Curious. Given that this survey was taken in 2021, at the height of the pandemic, and accepted answers from teenagers, I’d assume that the numbers might be slightly skewed from how many people were experimenting back then. But, regardless of whether the evidence has a teenage-phase bias or not, we can see that trans women still slightly outnumber trans men.
I was getting a bit tired of not finding any evidence for these people’s wild claims of trans men being vile invaders overpowering the poor frail little transfeminists. After all, people wouldn’t just go on the internet and lie, would they? No way, right?
I spent nearly an hour searching for a study or statistic that had a decent sample-size and only allowed adults to answer. I was tearing my hair out. I was going insane. I was crawling on the walls. But, finally, I found gold.
A 2022 survey, with over 90.000 respondents, that only allowed reports from adults, and ran in the USA! This is perfect. The people complaining about trans men are usually USAmerican, so this must mean this study might finally give a source to their claims! Oh, it’s such a dream!
So, drumroll please…!
“Thirty-eight percent (38%) of respondents identified as nonbinary, 35% as a transgender woman, 25% as a transgender man, and 2% identified as simply crossdressers.”
Mm. You mean to tell me that… trans men... are not only less frequent than trans women… but also… they’re the least common group of people who actually identify as transgender??
Mmmmmm……..
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…. so…. the anger at “trans men invading trans people’s spaces” is…. unfounded, dumb, and bigoted?
Mm…
Wow! Who could have seen this coming?
(I totally saw this coming.)
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